Monday, February 05, 2007

Random Rant

Dear Human Beings,

As you know I normally use this blog to sprout my brilliant ideas to change the face of the twenty first century Earth. However, occasionally I go through a boring weekend where I have nothing to do but think. Here are some random thoughts that had been bugging me for a while.

I realized despite building pyramids that stand to this day and other such marvels, ancient Egyptians couldn't have been too smart. They used to sacrifice virgins to appease the Goddess of the River Nile so it would flood and help their crops.

What a waste of a virgin.

If you do have to sacrifice anyone, why not some old people? I am pretty sure you could round up a few relatives who people would gladly volunteer. We all know virgins are rare and non-recyclable.

Or maybe, those Egyptian high priests were smart after all. Someone had to "test" whether she was a virgin ...

Then we come to the Islamic world. Somewhere in our books it is said that in the end times, there will be one guy looking after 50 women. Yet, despite this brilliant prediction, we try to persecute gay guys. What gives?

Think of it this way, the more guys that are gay - the more women that are left for the straight men! So, if one guy is gay, suddenly you can look after 100 women! Why doesn't anyone think like that? If your main competitor looks good, cooks great, knows all the floral combinations and has a keen fashion sense, wouldn't you rather he be gay?

Then we come to the modern era. Lately I have started to realize that some people are so stupid that they are too stupid to be properly stupid, y'know what I mean?

For example, dear Dell Technical Support guy. Could you please NOT tell me your name is Harry? It seems EVERY guy in Dell Technical Support is called Harry. When we all know it's really Hariharam Sundarlal Singh Jhunjhunwala.

Be imaginative man! If you have to pick a name, pick a cool one. How about Guru?

"Hi! Your laptop not working? I am Guru and I will help you."

And they never help you! All they ask you is to reboot and press F12 to run the diagnostic. And then they say "Oh it's supposed to be working, we'll just send you a new one."

Second, we come to Toronto drivers. This is the mantra we follow. When there is snow and ice on the road, of course we can speed. I mean, if we can't see the speed limit sign, that means speed limits don't exist any more, right? And why contribute to light pollution by switching on our lights? Be dark and mysterious, I say.

Third, do we really need democracy? In the past few weeks, the non-elected caretaker government of Bangladesh has arrested all the top evil politicians (barring the main culprits - the two ladies) and charged them with corruption. In the last two weeks they showed more balls than the previous government did in five years. When the US Ambassador Patricia A Butenis tried to interfere in our local politics, the caretaker government's minister actually had the guts to tell her to f*** off. She got so emotionally disturbed she is now taking an assignment to Iraq. Iraq!

Now that's called scaring someone off when they prefer Iraq to Bangladesh.

So it was a crappy weekend with lots of snow and cold and sun. How that combination is possible only God knows.

Confession: These two females threw themselves at me last night in bed and would not budge.

Current mood: Sleepy. Tired.


Anonymous said...

>>Dear Human Beings,
Brother why are you discriminating against the jinns who may be reading your blog?

>> Lately I have started to realize that some people are so stupid that they are too stupid to be properly stupid, y'know what I mean?

Einstein said, "Two things in the universe are infinite, the universe itself and human stupidity and I am not sure about the previous one."

>>So it was a crappy weekend with
lots of snow and cold and sun.

I had to endure -26 C and -40 with windchill factor so you should be happy.

Anonymous said...

I love the way your mind works; brilliant theories as always! :)

أبو سنان said...

Ever watch "Are You Being Served?" with Ms. Slocombe, you know the British comedy?

This is where she would talk about about spending all night in bed "petting her pussy".

If you havent watched it, you should!

I like the "Guru of laptop" idea.

mezba said...

Saqi... hahahah! I burst out laughing when I read that comment. I discriminate by species.

That Einstein was a smart fellow.

Baraka: hehe.

Abu Sinan: That's one of my favourite shows. I used to love British funny shows - such as Mind Your Language, the Faulty Towers and so on.

Anonymous said...

Man that was funny!

Toronto driving...I hear you! I was driving on the 401 today and its practically a blizzard. I pass his lady in a van putting on lipstick or something!!! In a snow storm! Are you INSANE!!! Well I passed her and got as far as possible from her! Lets hope for a better upcoming week.

Suroor said...

If ancient Egyptians sacrificed virgins they either had a surplus of them or they were clearly gay. Now if they had a surplus of virgin women then again they were clearly gay.

But as a labelled feminist I'd like to ask did they only sacrifice virgin women or were virgin men their target as well? Because if they only sacrificed women then I'm attacking! This means virginity is NOT important for me!

When there are 50 women to 1 man, what makes you think women will fight over that one man? Baby, 50 women don't need one man to look after them. Have you thought about WHY there will be this 50:1 ratio? :) You have no idea what liberal, strong feminists can get up to. Total annihilation! That one man will be a live sperm bank and the rest women know better ;)

I have IBM and live in the desert so can’t comment on the rest. Oh, and my pussy is male ;)

Enjoyed the post, my favourite MALE blogger!

Anonymous said...

I like Guru, they should all change their name to that :)

My husband used to work in tech support and someone asked him "How come you don't have an Indian accent?"

He was like "cuz I am not Indian" which came as a total surprise to the caller.

be nice to jinns; they have feelings too and can make your life tough if they want :) (judging from all the horror stories we grew up with).

Anonymous said...

"We all know virgins are rare and non-recyclable".....LOL! You never cease to amuse me. Quite frankly, if you're searching for a few old people I do have a some relatives to volunteer up...

As for Toronto drivers..*shakes fist*

Armeen said...

hi!!! lol if only everyone had innovative rants like u :S trying to encourage 'gayism' for a religious reason he he however we don't want you guys taking on such heavy burdens i mean taking care of 100 females!!! :O gosh guys have trouble figuring out one woman in their entire lifetime let alone taking care of her. so i hereby encourage lesbianism :P

Anonymous said...

Hey Lo.
I was sad. Your post made me laugh. Thank you :)

Watch 'Guru' if you haven't already. Aish wasn't dolled up as usual, hence was tolerable. Vidya did a swell job too.

'liya said...

"Confession: These two females threw themselves at me last night in bed and would not budge."

That was good lol :D

Anonymous said... adorable!

Anonymous said...

do jinns read blogs? hey that's a good one -i hadn't thought of that one before.