Tuesday, February 04, 2014

7 Irritating Things Brown Uncles Say To Slightly Heavier Younger People

Now, I am not exactly Brad Pitt. And I also don't have a six pack (well technically I do, but it's not showing up). And I am not also exactly in shape (unless you count cutish-oval as a shape).

However, I don't also need 2 seats on a bus nor do I need to wear a thobe ala Homer Simpson style to hide my pounds. I am somewhere at that happy stage where I don't eat all the time, but when I am hungry, and I go to the gym or work out when I want to, not because I have to post about it on Facebook.

However, tell that to brown uncles, who all think they are certified personal physical trainers (despite the fact that some of them wouldn't last 1 lap at the pool). Here's some oh-no-you-just-didn't-say-that things that brown uncles say to younger brown men that they would never say to a white guy. And not just brown uncles. Cousins. "Well-wishers". Co-workers. This is to all of you.

1. You seemed to have gained some weight.

Tumi to ektu mota hoye geso.

Oh gee! Seriously! OMG! I didn't notice! I mean, the jeans I bought five years ago don't fit anymore (and that I kept out of some morbid hope that I would go back to five sizes), but I was so blaming the washing machine and the recently cold weather for shrinking my clothes. Thank you so much for this revelation! I mean, I didn't know AT ALL that I am not exactly in shape since 1990 but now I do!

And what do you mean seem? Don't you trust your eyes?

2. You know, you should join the gym.

No way! Really?!! No I totally didn't think of that one.... thank you for suggesting something so earth shattering!!! Btw, I am assuming you are going to foot my $55/month plan, and personal trainer costs ... ? Hello? BTW have you seen your wife, the Brown Aunty? Also known as The Bus?

3. Wow, 2 glasses of Coke!

Ei boyoshe ektu control dorkar.

Hey! No one really NEEDS that extra glass of Coke (or even that first glass) but you know what. I am going to drink it ANYWAYS because Goddamnit it's refreshing and I don't care how many chain letters you forward about how Coke can dissolve the Great Wall of China or firefighters use it to clean their hoses. It's Coke and I WANT IT.

4. Have you lost weight?
Either you are suffering from severe eye sight issues, or dementia, or you are a pathological liar. Just. Please. Stop commenting on other people's weight. Just don't.

5. You’d look better if you were thinner.

Tumi jodi ektu chikon hoita tahole to hero lagta.

Hey, I have seen myself naked in the mirror, and I LOVE me. I am sure I could look much better but hey, I could also have scared small children. Which I don't, just FYI. So, yeah, whatever. Someday we all will die and for sure we will get thinner after that. Don't know about the looks though. Speaking of morbid things ...

6. I heard the other day a 30 year old complete healthy and fit man had a heart attack!

That's good, as I am definitely not 30 years old any more ...

7. You should start eating healthy. How about sticking to salads only.

OMG someday I will punch the person who will say that to me! Jibone kokhono salad khao nai, and now they are a nutrition expert.

And as if Salad is the ONLY healthy food. Most brown uncles who say this are either eating horrible deep friend ground beef samosas themselves or are married to chiria aunties who have never been overweight a day in their lives and still think they look like Suchitra Sen after 2 tonnes of make up.


I guess I should be happy I am not a girl. They get asked even weirder questions.