Friday, February 16, 2007

How Islam Has Oppressed Men

*with tongue firmly in cheek*

That's right. Men. For over fourteen hundred years we men have let Islam (and women) take advantage of us daily, discriminate against us on each and every issue of life, and it's time we fought back and demanded what is rightfully ours, and enlighten ourselves on how Islam is oppressing us men.

For example, let's start with prayers. I have to put on ten layers of clothes, gloves, earmuffs, then go outside in the freezing cold, wipe the snow off the car, drive to the mosque which is 10 km away, pray in congregation, drive back and by the time I am home, it's almost time for the next prayer. In Islam a man's best prayer is offered in congregation in the mosque. And what does my (future) wife have to do? All she has to do is put the TV on mute, place the praying mat on the floor, quickly say her prayers and then be back to watching Saas Hi Bahu Ko Maar Dala. And Islam says that's her best prayers. WTF?

So when I time my prayers with the commercials because Smallville is on at the same time as Maghrib, I am neglecting my duties, but for her it's her "best" way of praying and Allah gives her Great Rewards?

And all those relaxed prayer sessions will no doubt cause her to become lazy. After all we men know women don't really do too much work at home. We have to go out and earn, dammit, it's our responsibility. So if she becomes lazy and gets a little fat, can we criticize her? No, Quran tells us men "it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good" [Nisa: 19].

We all know women love to shop for clothes. And what does Islam do? Give her an EXCUSE to go shop for clothes.

"Honey, really, it's for part of my hijab. Seriously. I have to be fully covered, you know. And the Louis Vuitton bag? Well, Islam does not want me to attract men's attentions with my hidden ornaments, so I have to carry them somewhere, right? Besides, didn't Allah tell you men the best dinar spent is the dinar you spend on your family?"

And we men can't even spend 200 bucks on the Nike basketball shoes because all that is required from us is to be covered from navel to the knee (as if I am some Greek slave). And meanwhile, the wife is going "honey, does this abaya make my ass look big?" Well Islam wants me to tell the truth, darling ...

What about sex? Surely we men have the upper hand there? Surely a woman who refuses her husband's sexual advances will be cursed by 70 angels for the night? You'd think so, eh?

First of all, it doesn't say anything about the wife refusing sexual advances during the day. Those Department of Cursing Angels only work the night shift. Second, just because Islam gives you the right for sex doesn't mean you can have it. It's like, A owes me money, but if A doesn't pay up, I can't mug A as he walks down the street. Have to go to court and all that. I wonder if there could be a Court of Appeals (for sex)?

Husband: "You Honor, my wife the accused has not been having sex with me for sometime now."

Judge: "How do you plead?"

Wife: "I plead Not Horny, Your Honor."

Judge: "Hmm.. well I can't do much here. All Islam says is talk things over and come to a mutual understanding."

Husband: "What?!! Surely, there must be a verse or two about beating her? All the major religions have it?"

Judge: "Well, there is, but it's also being constitutionally challenged all the time. And we Muslims are limited to what the Prophet did, and turns out he never beat his wives, the pity. Maybe you can hit her with a toothbrush?"

Wife: "Well, if he was as built as his toothbrush, we wouldn't be having this conversation ..."

And I haven't even gotten the tax imposed on Men Who Are Not Thinking Clearly, also known as Mahr. It's time we men called for reformation within Muslim circles. We all know women can't really think properly, so maybe it's time to call for more women to be admitted to scholarly circles so we can manipulate them to make laws on our behalf.


saqi namah said...

Finally a voice of reason amid all the confusion in the world. Could it be true? Sheikh Mezba is the man who will finally bring the ummah to the 22nd century.

Anonymous said...

K,Sheikh Mezba, you "done" it this time. Just wait for the "Tidal Wave",will come later and comment, have to feed the baby now(I wonder what's the law in islam for men for that) sf :)

Anonymous said...

Oh I can't wait for the day your future wife reads this Mezba...along with your going back home to marry post...

ABCDlaw said...

Wife: "Well, if he was as built as his toothbrush, we wouldn't be having this conversation ..."

TOO FUNNY! And that article, a not very smart college friend of mine decided to put that link up on my facebook wall. Yeah it got deleted of course, my cousins are on facebook but interesting article.

About prayers, well move to a warmer place, see since it never snowed in Arabia, it's haraam to live in a place where it does. Follow sunnah and live in a hot place dammit!

Farah said...

Oye! Shut up lol I like Bengali men just like they are - whipped! Stop fermenting trouble.

Nowal said...

Boo hoo. Cry me a river mezb.

Anonymous said...

long time lurker... i rise to inform ye that thy words haveth moved me. i weep my brother, by yer side.

Sumera said...

Linked this to my blog Mezba :D It was too hilarious not to :p

'liya said...

"I time my prayers with the commercials"... eep.. I do that sometimes :S

Karim said...

ha ha.... surely it's the literalist interpretation of the book which makes Islam more funny ;)

built as his toothbrush... that was a good one... If Babar (the Indian Imam in Little Mosque show) would have been here he would say ... "Beware !!! This is a zionist conspiracy...."

mousehunter said...

Haha this was funny. I'm gonna have to take "BRAVEST" off my blog and give it to you. BTW, If you need a place to hide....haha.

Thou hast stireth the pot!

mezba said...

Saqi: Inshallah ta'la. If not the 22nd, at least the 11th.

Sf: haha.. oops.

Ruby: if she is already my 'wife' when she reads this, don't care then eh :-D

ABCDLaw: lol if we followed Sunnah and prayed Eid in an open to sky ground we would be frozen popsicles...

Farah: it's time for Bengali men to rise from the slumber and emulate their Saudi brothers!

Nowal: you are a feminist, you cry your OWN river.

Anon: welcome. No weeping, only standing up now (before standing down).

Sumera: thanx.

Liya: I always have to do that in the summer.

Karim: Maybe we should start some Baberisms.

Mousehunter: I know *ducks* but you live all the way in Brampton.

everythingiseventual said...

aaaaaaahahahahahahahahahah oh my god this is hilarious. just the other day i was thinking that if anything Islam is more hard on men than it is on women lol. but then i guess we all have to make sacrifices. oh and you forgot to include how men have to work, its their responsibility, so they cant sit at home no matter what hehehe. nice post. oh how i love my religion. :)

oh i hope you dont mind but id like to create a link to your post in my blog.

Nowal said...

If being a feminist entails educating you on certain things, then let me not delay a bit -

1. you get exercise on your trip to the mosque, fewer blocked coronary arteries, save money on the darned bypass operations. splurge on the nike shoes. or your wife's hijaab. would you like it if a shah rukh came by and took your rani away from you? (A)

2. an excuse to breathe in fresh air because Islam mandates you to. women in saudi are not allowed to leave their houses for days on end. a prisoner in their own homes.

3. she has NO excuse NOT to cook that darned meal or rub your darned feet. because after all, she stayed at home all day, isn't it? "lazy" - RIGHT! diapers and laundry get done on their own obviously.

4. the only tears men shed is when the team they're supporting in the cricket world cup thing is losing atrociously. not once every darned month because their abdomens feel like they're being twisted, with every drop wrung out!

liked the article though. good job! =)

Anonymous said...

Someone is a little ~~~bitter~~~


Dame Chick aka the Muse said...

Haha, cute and funny! Now come on, put on your ear muffs and go for Jumma (so you can't hear the imam; don't think I don't know what's going on in the little MALE head of yours ;) )

The Bengali Fob said...

Dr. Nowal has spoken! BTW, isn't Baber from Pakistan? The Pakistan flag was in his daughter's room.

Em said...

Hehe, great post, with a great topic!!

Since all your female readers are being so nice and quiet, I guess I'll take the initiative for some counter-thoughts (my tongue firmly in cheek, too!!)...

First the prayers in congregation -- well, we get at least 25 times as many rewards as a solo prayer that way. Unless Allah's weighed a solo women's prayer to be equivalent to a men's congregation, we get a WAY head start on the real race :). Besides, if you could afford a chauffeur to do the scraping and driving while you splurged on the in-car satellite ent, you'd be as cool, with the extra rewards. He didn't say 'don't earn', now did he?

And if she gets fat, why not take up wife #2 (or 3, 4 as the need may be) >;)?

Re splurging on the Louis Vuitton, well - you might just need the Breitling or the Tag Heuer to make sure you reach your jemaah on time -- surely that's justified? And of course you need you CK undies to cover what needs to be covered... who needs Nike anyway?

If she refuses sex, back to wife #2, as above. Action, my bro, why go to court? :)

Re the mahr, hmmm... gotta think on that one...

Great writeup, once again!

sonia said...

well mezba i do agree that men have it hard having to go to a mosque and pray - no wonder they like to take their revenge on women by ordering them about..

sonia said...

heh heh ruby, i'm with you - i think Mezba will be busy hiding this blog from future wife! ( unless she's been reading it all along..:-))

koonj said...

Mezba, you're in big trouble now ...

Because of those commercial-timed namazes, man.

mezba said...

1. I get no exercise by sitting in my car and driving to the mosque. Rather, I am so tired by the cold I come home and ravish my dinner.

2. I am in Canada not Saudi. The air is freezing -20.

3. Laundry = washing machine.

4. The pain the same, girl, same.

thank you.

SH: hehe...

Dame Chick AKA the Muse: the imam should be scared of me!

Bfob: Baber? I think so.. in one of the episodes he said "In Pakistan we used to move 10 women" or something like that.

Em: lol.

As for 25 times, women get the same if they pray at home right? That's my beef.

I like the wife #x option - that's gold.

Hehe.. good points.

Sonia: thank you. Someone agrees. Now go make tea for your husband :-D

Koonj: uh oh.