Top 10 How To Know You Are An Adult

TOP 10 ADULTING skills every person looking to marry should have

I am now at the age where people ask me to find someone for their younger brother or sister, or in some cases children. Must be my grey hair. In trying to arrange such things, I discovered a few facts.

Young people, particularly from our community, are incredibly immature, naive and clueless, and yet thinking about marriage. Now I am a big proponent of people marrying young, but you also have to have some level of adult-giri.

1. You should not be running to your parents for every single thing. Be prepared to be an adult and have some responsibility. This goes especially for brown girls and guys. Most of them have lived cocooned lives under the strict "protection" / prison of their parents, and have no clue how to live on their own. This mentality takes a lot of adjusting.

2. You should be able to make three decent meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No, I am not saying you have to be a chef of a five star restaurant, but at the very least you should know how to make tea, an omelette, rice, some meat item. This is actually basic survival. If you were dropped off in a strange city on your own in a fully stocked house, can you live? And no, frying frozen nuggets do not count.

Women sometimes get insulted when asked, "can you cook". The correct answer to it should be, "Yes, and also, can you?"

Many guys who live on their own in university can cook to a passable degree. But if a guy is living at home with his parents, you MUST ask him this.

3. Be clean and tidy. Not only is this part of the faith if you are Muslim, but you need to not be a slob. Especially boys - your mother is not going to do your laundry forever. Take the clothes and put in the washing machine. Tidy up after you eat. Clean your bathroom (you need to know how). Learn how to iron. I still can't iron properly, but if needed, I can press a shirt and pair of trousers.

I am not certain how you ask someone how clean and tidy they are, but a good clue is their car. If you get into their car and it's dirty as hell, ALL THE TIME, it's a good bet they are a slob. As a tactic, just ask them how often they wash their car.

4. Budget. If you are not paying off your credit card every month, or you go on expensive vacations ALL the time with no savings, you need to back off. No one on Instagram that is commenting on your nice bags is going to come lend you 3000$ when you suddenly need it. In two years after your graduate your student loan should be paid off. Live interest free. If that means a cheaper, second hand car, that's what it is.

Have you ever gone grocery shopping? Start doing it regularly. You need to know how expensive is a head of a lettuce, a pair of lemons, tomato on the vine, bunch of apples, a pound of meat etc. Dollar store can be your friend, but not for electrical stuff.

Guys sometimes get insulted if asked how much they make. Don't. The correct answer should be a range, along with how much as a percentage of your earnings you try to save every month. Also if the girl is working, she should be ready for the question as well. What's sauce for the goose, etc.

5. Plan your wedding. This goes especially for kids that leave everything to their parents. DON'T. If you feel like you are not adult enough, don't get married. If you are going to get married, plan your wedding. That includes how much should be the expense, how many people you want to invite, the venue, the date etc. Each and every detail. This shows you are willing to take responsibility.

This goes especially for girls. Most of them are only focused on the dresses or the dance rehearsals, leaving the burden of the planning to the parents.

DON'T.

This is your first big test of adulthood. Remember point 1.

6. Learn how to host people and how to have fun and make friends. This is much more for ladies as our society puts this responsibility on you. You should be prepared to receive guests in the house at any time. Yes, in Canada people SHOULD call, but sometimes they don't. Also, look at point 3.

7. Have a 5 year plan. This is a must. If your prospective person does not have a future outline of a plan, where they want to be career wise, family wise, or education wise, RUN. A person who is coasting through life, or is aimless and has no focus, is unlikely to be a good partner in life. They make good friends, not life partners.

8. Watch the news. You MUST know what is happening in and around the world. I am not saying be updated on the latest activities of each and every incident, but have a general idea. You MUST be able to string an intelligible paragraph on current events.

ANYONE watching only Indian serials, especially when you are in your 20s, is someone you want to RUN from. There is NOTHING good that comes out of Indian media except an Aamir Khan movie every now and then.

Bonus: If someone says their favourite all time show is "Friends" - it's a good sign.

9. DRIVE. Learn how to drive. Seriously. What's the matter with you? Especially if you are a guy. Just. Learn. How. To. Drive.

10. Hobbies. You MUST HAVE HOBBIES. I really don't know what to say if you say your favourite past time is sleeping or watching TV. Those don't count. Play some sports. Read some books. Travel. Hike. Cook. Develop some interests.

Those are my top adulting skills that I think any young man and woman must have. What do you think?

Inflated Desi Weddings

I was reading an article on cheap weddings and how a couple managed to get married on $4000 in a city where the average wedding cost was $27,000. That led me to think about our own desi weddings and how and why the costs are so inflated, and what we can do to lower the cost of a wedding so it is easier for everyone.

GUEST LIST

I think this is the no. 1 reason for a desi wedding to cost so much. I have seen a growing trend, particularly among second generation Canadian Bangladeshis, to have a smaller wedding. You simply don't have to invite your father's office colleagues whom you don't know, and whose kids don't for sure know you.

I personally feel you should invite only your close friends and relatives to your wedding. Relatives always should get priority, simply because they have a right over you, followed by close family friends. A typical wedding guest list for the average couple shouldn't really cross 100 people (at most).

This also has to involve a change of mindset of everyone, particularly the elderly.

"Oh, did you hear so-and-so is getting married, and didn't even invite us! How dare they?"

Well, if they are not close relatives of yours, they don't really owe you a wedding invitation (and even then, it depends on how close a relative). If I hear so-and-so is getting married, I simply wish them well, even if they didn't invite me. I love to give the example of a close Companion in Medinah getting married, and not inviting the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He didn't take it to heart and in fact gave him some valuable wedding advice that is passed on to this day. If the Prophet was living in a Bengali community, I always joke, he would be attending a wedding every day.

"Oh, how can you NOT invite the Prophet?"

This is a big lesson for us. It shows us that none of us should expect a wedding invitation and it also lessens the pressure on the wedding couple to have a big feast.

ACCESSORIES

Some of us who got married ten years ago, or more, now like to say we were lucky we got married before the Instagram age (aren't we old!) and Facebook was in its infancy when we got married. So much of weddings that we attend now seem to have, for lack of a better word, accessories, that make for a good Instagram picture.

Any wedding cake will not do. It has to be seven layered with two of the layers as separate cakes. Dessert is not some desi sweets - you MUST have a chocolate fountain so people can say WOW. A wedding car is not just any car - a limo or Hummer will not do any more - now you must get a super car. I have attended weddings where the car was a Rolls Royce or a Ferrari.

You MUST have a Photo Booth now - it's a standard. AND a wedding hashtag. After all, we have to check the social media after to see everyone getting 'tagged'. #XwedsY2018 There's no risk you will offend anyone you haven't invited because of course you have invited EVERYBODY.

I mean it's all nice if you can AFFORD it. And that's the key word. AFFORDABILITY. Your wedding should not be a burden on you.

What are some of the ways YOU think a wedding cost is inflated in our communities? 

How To Do Arranged Marriage Wrong (Especially Girls)

I once wrote an article defending arranged marriage in response to a nonsense CBC 'article'. In this post, I want to talk about some of the regressive attitudes and behaviours that make arranged marriages a fiasco in some South Asian families.

Warning: The writing may be blunt and to the point. It may make you uncomfortable, especially if you are one of the liberal secular feminist type. It's the truth.

More and more it seems arranged marriages in the South Asian diaspora are becoming a type of "last resort". The boy has played the field and now wants some "domesticated girl" so turns to his mother for help. The girl has been with a boyfriend for so long but suddenly the mother of the said boyfriend decided her "golden boy" would be better off with someone she chose, and the boyfriend is too spineless to say otherwise, so now the girl is left looking for a poor sucker who has no idea where she has been before.

Now these people are in the same 'market' as the boy and girl who has kept away from any physical relationships, kept themselves pure and looking to get married, but finding it extremely difficult to do so.

Parents of Girls

Don't reject a good proposal from a boy just because he is not a doctor or engineer. Despite it being 2017 2018, there is ... unbelievably ... desi parents who still are looking for a doctor or engineer for their princesses. Any other proposal from a thousand other good professions, be it teacher (2 months off, hey), public policy (stable job for life yay), consultant (travel the world, wow), lawyer (moolah much), writer (intelligent people), and so on are all rejected. Automatically, without even a glance. Now that is serious limitation to a good prospect for your girl. In the end she does end up marrying a doctor ten years older than her. Good, bad?

The other thing they do is they tell, convince, argue, threaten and cajol their daughters to please ... PLEASE ... do not get involved in any relationship ... we WILL find someone good for you, and the poor daughter believes it.

And then when it's time to look for a groom, they have all these reasons to reject perfectly good candidates:

He's not a doctor or engineer (civil doesn't count).
He's still living with his parents.
He does not want to leave his job and resettle to where WE are living.
He's not from our biraderi, gram, upojela and so on.

Meanwhile the girl who managed to land herself a good boy is looked at upon jealously.

Oooh oder to chokkor choltesilo (oooh they were having an affair)

Parents of Boys (especially the mother)

Your son is not the Prince of Persia. He's not even the best looking boy in your street. Yet you reject any girl who falls short of Aishwarya Rai standard. You are rejecting girls because you saw her once at a party and she was talking too much. You rejected a girl because she was from Borishal and everyone knows Borishali girls are like this (replace Borishal with Noakhali, Chittagong, Dhaka, NSU, Foridpur, English Medium, as appropriate). You are rejecting girls because they are only three years younger than your son and everyone knows 4 is the ideal number. You are rejecting a girl because she is a Project Manager at BoA and everyone knows career oriented women do not make good wives.

And when I say everyone knows I mean your fellow aunty circle and the good old Indian television serial.

Meanwhile the poor boy doesn't even know of any of this and is wondering why there is a shortage of girls and he should just have tried his luck with the Vietnamese girl in his study group.

Please ... PLEASE ... have an honest discussion with your son to find out what matters to HIM. Half the stuff people write in their biodata is pretty much useless. Who cares what your uncle's son's occupation or grandfather's place of birth was.

Girls

You are at a serious disadvantage in this process. Just accept it. Guys and their families (usually) hold all the cards. If you are aware of this fact, you can definitely not screw up even more.

One definite way to screw up is to have a relationship before and then broadcast it to the world, and then something happens, and now you are screwed. Your heart is a precious real estate - not just anyone and everyone should be let into it. Be very wary of falling for playboys and smooth talkers and please, for goodness sake, stop watching rubbish Indian serials. Life is not Bollywood. Life is more like the Quentin Tarantino movie.

If a smooth talking boy charms you, it's not spiritual abuse - you have been played. Be smart.

Also, Liberal feminists like to say to women that a) you are all pretty b) you are all good just the way you are. OK ... false, and false.

First - looks matter, whether you are a guy or a girl. So, rule number one. Please shape up. Maintain yourself physically. Now I know this is rich coming from me, but it is the uncomfortable truth that looks do matter more for women than men.

Second, be educated. It's a common myth that man-hating feminists like to spread that men are scared of a women who is educated. We are not. No man I know is turned off because a woman has a Ph.D. It's usually other reasons.

Third, have an opinion.
DO
NOT
BE
A
DOORMAT.

Another common fallacy by feminists is that men are turned off by women who are opinionated, strong willed or confident. No... we are turned off by women who are cocky. There's a big difference. If you want to know, its the answer to this question.

Question: What do you think of Justin Trudeau ?
Wrong Answer: Oh he's so cute .. heheheh
Right Answer: I think he has governed well enough, but I don't like the fact that he couldn't get a pipeline built in Alberta ... and so on.

Contrary to what feminists say, a young pretty intelligent girl will win over a young pretty dumb girl any day.

And that's the last point. Be young. If you know marriage is something you want to do, do it when you are young.

Boys

Please grow up.

Really.

I could go on and on but half the problems would be solved if desi boys would simply grow up, let go of their mother's apron strings and grow a spine.

What 'Love, InshAllah' and other so-called progressive Muslim feminists don't get

Look at the rubbish that Shahla Khan Salter wrote on Huffington Post.

Titled "To Our Muslim Sisters: Don't Let Faith Stop You From Getting Married", the article makes the point that Muslim ladies should feel free to marry non-Muslim guys.

I first saw this article when Love InshAllah linked to it from their Facebook feed. Even before I read it, Ihad an inkling of what the article would say, and why the authors of Love InshAllah would promote it.

To all Muslim feminists: You want to solve issues in Muslim societies? Solve them. Don't create new ones. Especially when the solution is already given and you don't like it because it doesn't fit your Western "feminist" views.
 
This article, like many on the progressive left, relegates religion to "do what feels right". In essence, they elevate an individual and their own feelings/desires over what is revealed by God and understood as such for generations.

Islam, like almost any religion, has laws. If someone doesn't want to follow those laws, that's fine, but calling oneself Muslim and then saying those laws are not really laws is like saying I am vegetarian but it's OK to eat chicken. These laws are not a buffet that you choose what you want. Like any religion, Islam severely restricts marriages to outside the faith. Only in some exceptional circumstances is it tolerated.

This article is saying you are Muslim but don't need to follow the law, it's OK. Marry outside the faith, it's fine. Islam says it's OK (actually it clearly doesn't). 

The article, and the author, tries to fit Islamic law to some Western sensibilities. The author is saying a husband doesn't need to be Muslim, but only has to "love" his Muslim wife and her "Muslimness" (whatever that means). The article adds that a woman has the ultimate freedom to choose her husband, any one she wants (not really: if she's Muslim she has accepted to live under some moral laws defined by God). The author goes on to say that since we face other challenges we should be able to marry whoever we want (not true, those other 'challenges' can be dealt with other ways).

The final advice itself is dangerous: "Follow your heart".

The whole concept goes against Muslim ethos which is "do not give in to your base desires if it goes against God's desire".

The so-called "progressive" Muslim feminists who form the bulk of Love InshAllah's fan club do not understand one clear thing: no matter how many times they post rubbish like this under the guise of "furthering dialogue" or "promoting an interesting point of view", real Muslims will stick to their religion, no matter how tough. 

Islam hasn't come to create problems, but to provide solutions. Muslim Feminists don't like this solution, so their create problems of their own.

Other articles on Muslim Feminism:

Why Muslim Feminists Don't Win

Why (Many) Muslims Have a Problem With (Most) Feminists

Do you need to spend $100K+ on your wedding?

Desi weddings are notorious for being a big affair. Over 300 guests is normal (that's actually small). In India and Bangladesh you can easily have a guest list of over 500. Large halls in Mississauga and Brampton in Ontario are testament to the fact that brown weddings are a huge business.

Recently a status started to be forwarded on social media (mostly by already married millennials) about a guy stating how he did not want to get married in a huge and lavish ceremony. Here's an excerpt (emphasis mine).

 You "invest" $100,000 and what do you get out of it? A few nice portraits of you and your family wearing some South Asian Halloween costumes? Or for a dumb 3 minute wedding video to put on youtube?
$100,000 for some pictures and a youtube video. How's that not a ponzi scheme? And here's the thing. I know many people in our community may be wealthy, but who HONESTLY has $100,000 to spend? Who REALLY has that much money?

Now here's the thing. If you had asked a twenty year old me I would have agreed 100% with this writer. Of course weddings in our community are needlessly large and shamelessly an occasion to flout one's wealth. When you are twenty, you are idealistic. You aren't experienced in the nuances of real practical life.

And you of course bring religion into it because you think it supports your ideal fantasy.

Of course Islam tells us not to be lavish!

Of course we should not be extravagant!

Here's the thing though. Once you are thirty plus, you start experience life as it really is, not as it should be. And you learn that many things you once idealized as black and white really has lots of shades of grey.

For example, one of the weddings (with Ramla bint Abu Sufiyan) of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was thrown by the King of Abyssinia himself. It's hard to imagine that wouldn't have been at least a semi-lavish affair. Moreover, when the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) married Maymunah bint Al Harith, he wanted to invite all of Makkah to his wedding. That would have been at least 300 people, if not more. So while Islam does take a stand against extravagance, and urges people to invite both the rich and poor to weddings for there to be blessings, it doesn't define extravagance.

And that is the whole point.

The answer to Do you need to spend $100K+ on your wedding is very simple.

It depends.

Do you have over $100K+ to spend? And spend so it won't hurt you, bankrupt you, derail your future etc.? Then go ahead ... spend it.

If you don't have that money to burn, then simple. Don't burn it.

Recently a friend of mine got married. His marriage was a blast. There were days of functions, of music, of masti, etc. It felt like I was back home in Bangladesh. Except it was all here in Toronto (or, to be precise, Brampton). I am guessing he has the money to burn. Who am I to tell him that this money is not going to buy him happiness? Maybe that's what he always wanted to do - have a huge blast at his wedding.

More and more millennials are now not following the older generation's lead in inviting every body in their contact book for their wedding. They invite only close friends and then have a huge party. What's wrong with that?

And also, there's nothing wrong if you don't want to spend that much. It's all a matter of what you want balanced with what you can afford.

When I was a student, I bought an old used car for $5K. Even that seemed a lot of money, but the car took me everywhere. I maintained it well and it served me for over ten years.

Then, when it broke down, I bought a brand new car for $25K. It did the same things as the first car did. I could have spent less, but I didn't. I wanted a new car, and I could alhamdulillah afford it. I knwo there's lots of comparisons between getting married and buying a car, so I am adding this one there as it makes the point.

I am not going to get into shaming anyone who had a big, beautiful, desi wedding. If you can afford it, and if you wanted it ... all the more power to you.

Ignoring Phone Calls

This actually happened today at work.

C: Hey man, why didn't you meet us for lunch?

D: Oh, I didn't know you guys were going. Why didn't you call or text me?

C: I did! Look at your phone! You must have over 4-5 missed calls and texts!

D: Oooh ... right. I actually thought it was my wife, that's why I didn't pick up. Sorry man.

The Art of Manliness (or How To Be A Man's Man)

So over the weekend of Jan 11, 2014, I attended a course taught by Sheikh Yahya Ibrahim on Surah Taha. One section near the end of the Surah is where Allah talks about Adam and Eve (peace be upon them). Here, the sheikh gave a small (and highly entertaining) lecture for men, on how to be men, as taught by the best man ever, Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.

Please note that since these are notes from a course, I don't have the sources on me. Mistakes are mine alone and may Allah forgive me. For more details, attend the Muslim DNA course by Sheikh Yahya Ibrahim.

1. When you eat, always eat with her.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would NEVER eat alone. If he was in the city and not on a campaign or war (and even if he was sometimes one of his wives would accompany him), he would ALWAYS eat with one of his wives. This was to show her how much he loved her, that would rather spend time with her than with his other Companions. Even if some other Companions were present, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would invite his wife to sit with him and share the meal.

When the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would have a meal with Aisha (may Allah Be Pleased with her), they would both eat from the same plate and drink from the same cup as each other. What the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would do is, turn the cup where Aisha's lip marks were left and would drink from that side of the cup. He would also make eye contact with her and then drink.

2. Whenever you buy something for yourself, always buy something for her.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would always buy a gift for his beloved wife (the one whose turn it was to be with him) whenever he was in the market. Sometimes he would buy for all his wives; but never did he buy something for himself and not buy something for his spouse.

3. Seat her where you are seated. In other words, make her sit with you.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would make space besides him for his wife to sit. This was even after hijab was enforced (and niqab for his wives). His last moments were spent with his head on the lap of his wife Aisha (may Allah Be Pleased with her). Even though there were men in the room (and his wives' rooms were very small), that did not stop him from asking his wife to be in the room as well, and with him. Your wife's place is not in the kitchen or the basement with the kids while men discuss important things, it's with the men, right by your side.

4. Confide in your wife more than you confide in any one else.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to confide in his wives often, and on important matters. When the Archangel Jibrail first showed up with Surah Alaq, he ran to his wife Khadija (may Allah Be Pleased with her) and it was she who comforted him (and thus became the first Muslim). Nineteen years later, when the stunned, shocked and dismayed Muslims at Hudaibiyah, flabbergasted at the peace treaty signed, refused to move after the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) ordered them to shave the hair on their heads, he turned to his wife Umm Salamah (may Allah Be Pleased with her) for advice. And it was she who averted the crisis. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) WOULD NEVER discuss the affairs of his wives with his friends unless there was an emergency situation.

5. When you ask something of her, be prepared to do the same for her.

The seerah and the stories of the scholars are full of how they made themselves look nice and appealing for their wives as they desired the same in return. One scholar, after his day's work, would shower and change his clothes and perfume himself BEFORE he returned home.

... And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable ... [Quran 2:228]

6. Tell her "I love you" often.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would admit in public his love for his wives. He told Amr ibn Al Aas in the mosque in public that he loves Aisha the most. He would often tell his wives of his love for them, and praise them often. He had nick names for his wives. For example, he would call Aisha as "Aish", and sometimes used to call her "Humairah" which meant "rosy cheeks".

He even had a code language with his wives, as explained by Aisha (may Allah Be Pleased with her) in the Hadith of the Knot.

"How is your love for me?" Aisha, peace be upon her, asked him. Not only did she want to know that he loved her, but how he loved her.

"My love for you is like a knot in a rope." The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) replied. "Strong and secure, the more people pull, the tighter it gets."

Later on, even if the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was in a gathering and Aisha was passing by, she would ask him, to the puzzlement of everyone else, "How is the knot?" And he would smile and reply, "As tight as the day I married you, Aisha."

7. Kiss her.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would kiss his wives. Sometimes he would kiss them on the doorstep of his house as he was leaving for the mosque. Once Umar and Abu Bakr saw him with Saffiyah (may Allah Be Pleased with her) and they averted their eyes and hurried on their way. He then called them back and said, "This is my wife."

8. Be generous with her and her children.

As per this hadith (a saying of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him):

"There are four dinars: a dinar which you give to a poor person, a dinar you give to free a slave, a dinar you spend in the Way of Allah, and a dinar which you spend on your family. The best of them is the dinar which you spend on your family." [Source: Bukhari]

9. When she's wrong, don't hammer her.

As per his advice, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) told us that when our wives are wrong, we are to forgive them, and not bring up the point again and again. After the Battle of Badr, his wife Sauda (may Allah Be Pleased with her) made an honest mistake that was almost a minor kufr, yet it was a mistake and immediately the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) excused her and never brought it up again.

10. Pray Together.

Even though the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was tall, and the room he shared with Aisha was so small that he could not prostrate in prayer if she was lying down - and he had to awaken her to complete his Tahajjud prayers - he did not just step out and go to the mosque next door. He would wake her up and they would pray together.

Last, but not the least ...

11. You are happy when your wife is happy, and Allah is happy when your wife is happy.

The logic is simple. The best man, according to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the man who is best to his wife. And Allah is certainly happy with you if you are the best. Therefore, if your wife is happy with you, know that Allah is happy with you.

How to Bring Someone Up (and then Down) in 30 Seconds

I was showing my wife a picture we took with my phone of my brother and I at RIS.

The Wife: Wow, you look SO MUCH younger (than your brother) in this picture.

Me (beaming because I am actually a decade older): ... well ... *modest cough* I have been working out lately.

The Wife: No, it must be because you are so much shorter than him.

*badum tish*

RIS 2013 Day 2 - Review

There is a reason RIS is for younger people. The last session ended last night at 11 pm. I skipped the entertainment portion and reached home at about midnight. It took me about half an hour to transcribe the notes and then some more to format it properly for the blog. By the time I was ready for bed, it was 1.30 in the morning. And then I had to get up for Fajr (no use reviving the Islamic spirit if you are asleep for Fajr, is it?); and here I was, 10 am, already downtown at the convention centre, ready for Day 2.

A talk by Ustadh Abd al-Karim Yahya on taking care of our souls got us underway. We learnt how the Prophet pbuh used to pray for his ummah, and he told us to pray in the wee hours of the morning. Our religion should help us connect with others and also pray for others. We should be a people who summons others and engage with others. We have to take our strongest concern to Allah, and then the strongest concern of others to Allah. He gave us a touching personal anecdote of how he prayed for his own mother to come to Islam.

He was followed by sister Yasmin Mogahed who continued her good form from yesterday, speaking on the same topic. Highlights included

-          Islam has come to free you from the servitude of man and make you a servant of Allah alone.
-          Freedom is not where you are free to do anything you want. That is when you are a slave to your nafs. True freedom is where you can be free from your nafs.
-          She talked about Qalbun Salim and how a Muslim is like a bird whose head is the love of Allah (without the head the bird will not survive). The two wings are fear and hope. The fear of Allah keeps us on the straight path and the hope of His forgiveness makes us do good. When the two are in balance the bird is in flight.
-          Islam is not a club of perfect people but people trying to do the right thing who will slip up at times.
-          Someone asked the Prophet pbuh how to get Allah to love him AND how to get the people to love him. He replied that you must have zuhd (detachment from the world: defined by Ali as not that you do not own anything, but that nothing owns you) so that Allah loves you and you have zuhd in what people have and people will love you.
-          The more you run after duniya the more it will run away from you and the more you run after Allah, He will put the akhirah and duniya in your lap. This is where I wished she would have given the stories of some of the earlier Sahabah who didn’t care about this world but only of Islam, and Allah put the world at their feet.
-          She talked of the verse 3:189-190 “Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding. Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], "Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” – that if we ponder on the creation of this world we will come to the understanding that there is a purpose to its existence and to our existence.

The next session was by Dr Seyyed Nasr on sacred sciences.  What is sacred science? Dr Nasr started by saying the word science has very limited meaning in the English language but other languages describe it better. In French science also includes moral sciences and in German it means organized knowledge. The Arabic world “ilm” is most complete in this regard, and the Arabic world Al Alim is an attribute of Allah. Dr Nasr reiterated that science without God is a bidah and how secularization of knowledge is a modern phenomenon (this theme would be touched upon again by Shiekh Hamza Yusuf later in the evening). He pointed out that ancient civilizations built wonderful scientific monuments (such as a damn in Sana or the pyramids) but didn’t cause an environmental crisis because they didn’t divorce the divine from science. The goal of science used to be wisdom but today it is power (remember, knowledge is …?). Modern science limits itself to quantitative elements. Islamic science was great and Islam doesn’t have the conflict with science that Christianity has because in Islam science is not an alternative to God but a way to understand Him better.

It was a great talk, and he had lots of examples – for example how Ibn Sina when stuck on a scientific problem went to the mosque and prayed, and how Al Haitham the father of optics used to have “Allah is the Light of the Heavens and Earth” in his lab, but at the end of it I had two questions that I didn’t get answered – perhaps this was good because a good talk whets the appetite so you can do your own follow up. My questions were:
What exactly IS sacred science? Is it just putting God in science?
And how do you practice scientific research differently in that case?

The following session was by Dr John Esposito. It was titled Get Up! Stand Up for your Rights! Now before I recap his talk I have to offer a criticism. His talk was very American. It was focused on US and US examples. Now while what happens in the USA does impact Canada, some of it is not the same. While 9-11 affected everyone, the Park 51 circus was a non factor here. We have our own issues (Quebec hijab laws) that should have been talked about. The talk should have focused on what we can do in Canada. Even some of the complaints about not having enough presence in the public square, the media examples (Huffington Post) - it was all about USA. Amongst the problems in Canada he could have mentioned Tarek Fatah and his ilk (the MCC). Another criticism of his talk was that he asked us to plug into the establishment way of doing things and to be involved with the movers and shakers and the levers of power, but he didn’t put any qualifications or restrictions here. Perhaps it was due to time.

He talked about the immigrant experience and how an immigrant group moves from other to being accepted. Muslims were on that path when 9-11 happened. We have to have greater media presence and contribute financially to organizations like CAIR and so on, and how we must avoid segmentation within ourselves.

He was followed by sister Dalia Mogahed on the same topic and she confirmed that yes, she is indeed the sister of Yasmin Mogahed. I LOVED her talk. She started by saying that Western societies are looking at Muslims like a tumor. They are wondering whether it is a benign tumor that is harmless, or a cancerous harmful one that should be removed. And muslims are saying we are harmless, harmless! No! Muslims should stand up and say we are a vital organ of the body and remove us, the body will wither and die. She then used the first verses ofSurah Muddassir to show how it is a guide to social activism.

O you who covers himself [with a garment].

Social activism and public work is a calling that you do because you have it in you – you don’t do it for fame or ambition or worldly benefits. It will put us out of our comfort zone

Arise and warn.

We have to rise and deliver the warning. We are not told to make everyone Muslim. That is not the aim. We have to divorce ourselves from the results – we will not be asked about the results. We will be asked whether we delivered the mail, not whether others read them.

And your Lord glorify.

Our work is for God alone. We should never let the ends justify the means. Our work is a way to achieve God’s pleasure. Don’t do it half hearted.

And your clothing purify.

And uncleanness avoid.

And do not confer favor to acquire more.

Do everything in the halal way and never be focused on just the results. Try to do it halal and Allah will give you barakah. Here I wished she drew on early history of the Sahabah and how they conquered the world with limited resources.

But for your Lord be patient.

Anyone in the public square will face brickbats and slander and hatred. They have to be patient.

Sheikh Mokhtar Maghraoui led the following session titled Light in the Midst of Darkness: Prophetic Guidance in Troubled Times. He said Allah has made both darkness and light and He is Light and all Light comes from Him, so if we want that Light, we have to come near him. Hardships can bring a mumin closer to Allah (no pain, no gain). We have to pray, salah, do zikr and prostrate to Him more often.

I skipped the following session for an extended bazaar break. So here’s my review of the bazaar.

It was TOO crowded. Now I haven’t been to RIS in the last few years so I don’t know if this was par for the course but it was packed and especially during the breaks it was really hard to move around (good practice for Hajj, I kept saying to myself). Moreover, there were only limited dining tables in the dining area (they were large and occupied by families all the time). Young people were eating by sitting on the floor outside the convention halls. My father and mother are senior folk who can’t sit on the floor due to bad knees, so I had to wait a while before we could find a free table (and it was a melee to get one!). So my advice to RIS would be to enlarge the dining area and get more tables there.

The bazaar wasn’t anything different. There were lots of books and bookstores had a large presence, along with the regular hijab, oudh and Islamic arts stuff. Overall the bazaar area seemed kind of small for me this time. Hamza, a character from a children’s series, made an appearance and was popular with kids. Eastern Toybox was another unique stall. Dawahnet and Soundvision too had their large presence (and they do a lot of good work in the community).

Back to RIS talks (it was now post dinner and the talks would be back to back). The next session I attended was Aspirations of a Believer by Sheikh Zahir Mahmood. He talked about how death was the end of all aspirations, and we all have to face death one day. The Prophet pbuh was one person who actually finished his work before his time was up, so we Muslims have to follow his example. We have to have aspirations and goals and have specific goals and ambitions. The Prophet pbuh gave the Sahaba aspirations and they conquered the world. For our life, we need visions, aspirations and goals. People with low aspirations will justify their life to themselves rather than try to improve it. Even in our prayers, for example, we have to ask for Jannatul Firdaus (2^nd best not good enough for Muslims). Too many muslims say they are ready to die for Islam, but they are not ready to live as Muslims. They should be focused on making society better, and their focus should start here, where they live. If today all the muslims of the world disappear, will anyone miss us?

He then concluded by that famous story of the three men stuck in a cave. Each man recounted a deed he did for the pleasure of Allah alone, and the covering rock of the cave moved a little. The first one recounted how he spent the whole night with a glass of milk in his hands waiting for his parents to wake up, the second one said how he avoided zina with his cousin, and the third one said how he gave the amanah of an employee back after years (with all resulting investments). The sheikh than asked us, if we were the fourth person in that cave, would we have any story to share?

He was followed by everyone’s (and my) favourite – Nouman Ali Khan. He actually had the audience stand up and stretch, and then facilitated a shahadah, before going on to his topic of Marriage. Key points include (with lots of humour thrown in):

-          Muslims in the west become isolated and the mosques where we meet people of different ethnicities we don’t spend a lot of time there, so we don’t get to know one another, especially for marriage and love.
-          Youth need to talk to their parents about marriage and their preferences.
-          Girls go on long academic tracks and the reality is they go past a cultural “expiration date” and have trouble getting married.
-          Parents are here, kids are here, no one is going BACK home. We don’t have a lot to pick from, so we shouldn’t judge a suitor by ethnicity.
-          The land isn’t perfect and is full of shamelessness of the worst kind.
-          Some people keep shooting down proposals because they are not perfect yet don’t see themselves in that light.
-          In desi culture your son is your retirement plan, so a girl is brought into the family as a “servant” and parents don’t look for an “intelligent girl” as she will mess up the insurance plan, and oppression happens in the house.
-          Youth, when you prematurely give your heart to someone, a heart which is a special gift of Allah, it has a spiritual impact. Don’t do it.
-          It’s OK to look for a spouse, but take a respective, responsible approach. The indirect approach is the best as satan gets involved when you get involved directly (late night text messages, flirting beyond control, skype sessions). Get to know someone, but get others involved. Deal with reality instead of cursing it.
-          There are two sides: the youth have to get more strict and the parents have to get less strict when it comes to marriage.
-          In Islam parents have to be obeyed, but they also have to be fair and just.
-          For guys, BE A MAN.
-          Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan shared that he himself got married at the age of 22.

The following session was by Ambassador Shahbazz and Tariq Ramadan on coexisting and behaving well with the “other”. I am summarizing Professor Ramadan’s speech below:

-          You don’t have to respect what someone does (his actions) but you can respect that person as an individual.
-          All the messengers could go to their people and say “Ya qawmi” – they were concerned about their people, even if they were mushriqs.
-          We are all neighbours in humanity.
-          About Nelson Mandela. Let’s take and learn from the good in his life. He was courageous and brave and didn’t sell his soul and forgave his enemies. As for his after life, we leave it to Allah and we remain silent on it.
-          We cannot isolate ourselves but must integrate in the society. We love everyone, but we love the justice in them and we oppose the bad they do.
-          Muslims must be the voice of the voiceless and they must stand up against oppression even if the victims are not Muslims, for example native rights here in North America. He brought up the example of Hilful Fudul from the seerah.

There was a nasheed performance by Outlandish, and I really enjoyed their track of Aisha.

There was also an address in video by the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, Justin Trudeau.

 

The best talk of the night was the last one – entitled When Worlds Wither: Guidance in the Latter Days by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf. If you could see one talk today, you should see this. I would urge everyone to buy a DVD or CD of this talk if you can.

He stated by asking us to pray for his mother who is 93 (he made a point that she was born when there was still a Caliphate). Sheikh Hamza Yusuf actually had a presentation on his topic that he incorporated into his talk. Again, I must stress that this recap will not do an iota of justice to his speech, it’s a speech about how we are raving our planet that should be read at the United Nations. I was so engrossed in the talk that I actually wasn’t taking notes as I should, so these are from memory as well. Again, PLEASE BUY THIS LECTURE.

Man is doing fasad (mischief) on earth when he is supposed to be its caretaker (caliph). The corruption is on land and sea and the sins of man have an effect on the sea.

“Corruption has appeared throughout the land and sea by [reason of] what the hands of people have earned so He may let them taste part of [the consequence of] what they have done that perhaps they will return [to righteousness].” Quran 30:41.

The corruption in the ocean has resulted in fish diminishing due to our sins (and the sheikh was supported by statistics and facts). Fires are spreading across the earth and as global temperatures go up so do fires. 15,000 people died due to terrorist acts and we have a war on terror, but 1.5 million people died due to pollution and bad air yet we do nothing about it.

The Quran tells us the animals are communities like us and have equal rights to earth, yet we don’t care about them. Dogs are now getting depressed because they live with people who are depressed and this is not a natural order of things. The powerful animals (lions, tigers, elephants etc.) are on an endangered list and the cockroaches and rats are not. And humans are now aping cockroaches and rats in our behaviour and leaving aside the lions and tigers. The ocean is getting more acidic and the star fish are dying and as corruption spreads to the sea, 90% of big fish stocks have fallen (90%!!).

What is increasing? Jelly fish. They are spineless, mindless and consume all the time – just like us humans today.

In all facts and figures he was presenting credible sources and news articles. He talked about usury and the uncontrolled growth and the “war of Allah” that is coming (and it’s not just in the hereafter) the banking industry has been close to collapse and Allah WILL bring it down. The rulers in power are making billions from war when the average people have no hatred between them naturally.

As I said, it was a very powerful talk that deserves to be seen, not just read as a recap from some blog.

So that was Day 2. A very good day with lots of great speeches.

When Searching For Right Becomes Wrong

I recently published a post over at Love Inshallah entitled "How I Met My Son's Mother" (the title was a play on my favourite sitcom How I Met Your Mother) which outlined my thoughts on the whole arranged marriage process, as well as some provocative conclusions I had of the whole situation. Of course this has resulted in some ladies getting mighty upset. There has been posts and counter posts against my original post, the editors thought it wise to add a disclaimer, and even altmuslimah got into the act. The kicker was the paragraph on the altmuslimah article that actually seemed to say being involved in relationships prior to marriage is a good thing.

The whole hullaballoo reminded me of one wise saying that I feel is a guiding principle of my life.

"Right is right, no matter how few follow it, wrong is wrong no matter how many acclaim it."

Having said all that, let me distill it all down to five main points which even those that had a go at me will have a hard time disproving. I don't mind criticism, and I ignore insults (both Prophet Musa and Muhammad, peace be upon them, far better men than lil 'ol me, faced insults and harassments over far more complex issues).

1. It is good to get married early. It is the Islamic thing to do.

Can any one really deny that Islam encourages us to get married early? The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) got married early (25 years of age), most of the Sahabah got married in their late teens or early twenties, and it was the practice of the Muslims to get married as soon as they were able to and were of age. And we are talking about guys here. Girls used to get married as early as 13 or 14.

Times and societies differ, but I think in today's day and age, a man should start looking for a wife sometime after finishing his university undergraduate degree (say around the age 24), while a woman should start looking sometime before (perhaps at the age of 21).

2. It is easier for a younger woman to get married as opposed to an older woman. Men generally prefer a wife younger than them.

Of course, whenever you say this, someone will then bring up the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him)'s marriage.

Muhammad (pubh) married Khadija who was 40 and he was 25, and she was much older than him and married 2 times prior to marrying the prophet, and had several children previously ...

While quoting this famous example of Khadijah, many people conveniently forget three main parts of her story.

• To be academic, Khadijah was only 28 years old when she married the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), not 40. This is the most authentic opinion. She was thus only 3 years older than her husband, who was 25 [Source, go to 21:30].
• Khadijah herself married at a very early age (her first marriage).
• Muhammad (peace be upon him) married Aisha, Hafsa, Zainab etc. all of whom were much younger than him (and who had all, with the exception of Aisha, been married before, and at an early age). In fact, Aisha was also very young, having just stepped into puberty.
• He encouraged young, single men to marry young, single women.

It is common sense that a woman is much more desirable as a marriage partner when she is 21 as opposed to when she is 31. And of course, no one decides to get married and poof! the next day they have found someone. It takes about 1-2 years of searching before you find someone. Starting at an age of 21 means a woman will generally get married when she is 23 or 24. If you start at 25, it's much harder.

Most guys who are in the arranged marriage process will be of the age 24-29. When you factor in that the average age difference between the husband and the wife in an arranged marriage is about 2-4 years, then you know why, as soon as a woman crosses the age of 25, she finds the pool of available men diminishing, and it gets harder and harder to find a suitable match.

A small disclaimer. I am not criticizing girls or guys who started looking but didn't meet someone. They are not single by choice. No, I am criticizing those who delay marriage for career, for education, for "I want to relax and have a good time".

3. Be chaste. You should avoid relationships before marriage and be professional in dealing with the opposite gender.

Surah Qasas verses 23-28 is a great anecdote of how Musa (peace be upon him) met his first wife. Men and women can and will interact, and this interaction should be professional, to the point and exactly what is necessary. A woman, if she likes a man, can initiate the proposal and Musa, as a young man, deals with the marriage proposal with the girl's father in a proper and honourable manner. There is no flirting, no "going out", no improper behavior at all. In fact, Allah praises his wife as "being shy".

Lo and behold.

I don’t appreciate the idea of if someone has been in a relationship then she’s automatically off the list

We’ve both had relationships before we met each other, and they made us more complete and interesting individuals, with a better idea of what we want and don’t want in life and in a partner

And of course, the altmuslimah paragraph (kind of strange for an article on a site with 'muslim' in its name to promote this sort of activity).

I’m tired of the attitude that women should be blamed for the relationships they’ve been in, and I’m frustrated that dating implies sex in the minds of so many Muslims. Spending some time with members of both sexes can be done in a halal way, can lead to a successful marriage in the best case, and (if nothing else) is a healthy way of developing comfort and a mature attitude towards relationships – a time investment that pays off when you get married ...

If you are "dating", you are going out with some member of the opposite gender just to have a good time, and you are then in a relationship (emotional, physical, doesn't matter) with someone ("he's my boyfriend"), then you are doing something that is not sanctioned by Islam. Can anyone really argue that? If you love someone, get married to that someone.

Some disclaimer, I don't think a broken engagement, or time spent with someone in 'getting to know them' (for a short while, for the purpose of marriage), or a divorce counts as a bad thing. Engagements break, you spend time getting to know someone honourably to find out that it won't work, and marriages fail - these things happen. No, what I absolutely cannot recommend is getting into an emotional (and perhaps physical) relationship with someone where all of society knows you as a couple and yet you are not married for years - why?

This applies both to guys and girls. I don't like the double standard that sometimes gives men a free pass for their behavior (boys will be boys) but holds girls to strict standards. A chaste, Muslim woman who has kept herself in check should have the full right to say no to a prospective suitor that has 'played around'.

4. Don't follow those who are not into arranged marriage.

It has to be said, if you are going to go the arranged marriage route, than don't follow as an example those who are NOT going to go through this route. Let me give an example.

There are many people who will have found their special someone through dating, or perhaps they met in the university and kept in touch, and then later started to "go out" with this person on dates and so on. These people are not the 'arranged marriage' type. They are in a long term relation with their special someone, and after some suitable time, they will get married. If the relation breaks, then they will find someone else to date, and marry.

These Muslims, while still being officially "single", are in a relationship. They live alone, work after graduation, further their careers while being in a relationship. However, they are not married, and will probably get married after a long courtship, perhaps at the age of 28 or 29.

If a Muslim man, or worse yet, a woman, looks to these people as examples, and thinks, "Wow, I too get remain single until I am 26 or 27, and then get married" they are in for a delusion. The two processes to marriage are completely different.

5. When it comes to children, women make the greater sacrifice, and Islam encourages having children.

A righteous son can act as sadqah jariah, and a daughter can be the key to paradise.

There is a reason why the mother has a very high status in Islam. In modern times, it's not sexism, or the glass ceiling, or the 'old boys club' that is the primary reason men rise higher in the corporate ladder than women. It's motherhood.

At some point, a couple will face the decision to start a family. And this will put the woman's career in jeopardy, even with great maternity benefits and laws. While she's at home, male colleagues will get that promotion, gather that extra experience and take that training. This is a sacrifice.

Moreover, most fathers will say they would prefer their wives to take care of their kids at home if money wasn't an issue.

This is another reason a woman should marry early. Then she has enough time to focus on her career or fulfill her dreams of higher education, whatever it may be, and still leave enough time for children.



These were my main points from my Love Inshallah article. As I expected, many feminists attacked me at once for my "privileged views" (whatever that may be). However, the truth has to be said. If people ignored their own opinions and their own "feelings" and dedicated more time to loving, understanding and following the sunnah, the Marriage Crisis that we in the Western Muslim community are facing (largely as a result of our own actions) will be no more.

The Chicken or Egg Paradox and Islam

Me: "You know, I have NEVER understood the chicken and egg paradox."

Wife: "Oh, it's simple. Which came first, the chicken, or the egg? It's it's the egg, who laid it? If it's the chicken, and all chickens come from eggs, so ..."

Me: "I understand the paradox all right. I am just saying it's NOT a paradox. I know the answer. It's THE CHICKEN."

Wife [puzzled]: "So how can you be so sure? Prove it."

Me [with an extremely self satisfied smug]: "Easy. This paradox depends on a non-defined starting point. Well, we all know Allah created everything. He started everything. So, He created a pair of chickens. They then laid eggs, and so on. Ergo, the chicken came first. QED."

There was a pause. This was it, I thought. A seminal moment in history. The age old paradox solved by Islam. Islam - the religion that has the answer to everything.

And then ...

Wife: "What if Allah created a pair of eggs?"

Wife Space

Wife to Husband: We need a new wardrobe. All our wardrobes are so small. I need some where to store my new clothes. Right now they are all in a box. We need a new wardrobe. A big one. Are you listening to me?

Husband dutifully goes out with wife and together they select a new wardrobe. Husband lugs the furniture back to their place and spends the weekend assembling it.

Husband (proudly displaying the assembled wardrobe to wife): What do you think?

Wife: Hmm ... it's too big.

Women!

How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding - Part 2

Following on from Part 1.

Rule Number 6
If you have seating arrangements, let it be known. Especially to the parents of the bride and groom.

I have been to weddings where they hired a fancy wedding planner who (claimed to have) made seating arrangements for 600 people. Except no one knew what it was; there was no big printed board informing people of their table number, or people to guide you to your seats. And on top of that, you ask the clueless clearly hassled parents of the bride and groom, and they tell you "Oh, you can sit where you want". Except that when you do, the bridesmaids get their panties in a knot because you committed the grand crime of seating at a "reserved" table.

Here's a corollary - if you invite 600 people (see rules 1 and 2) you don't need a seating plan.

Rule Number 7
Do not have a Quran Recitation in the middle of a disco.

"Alright, let's begin our evening with the obligatory recitation of Surah Rum."

"Now, everybody, on the dance floor! Let's welcome the bride and groom with the biggest, loudest, bhangra, EVER!"

Like, seriously? Not even a filler?

Rule Number 8
Do not discriminate guests by their skin colour.

If you take all the good tables and sit white people there because you know, they are WHITE and need special attention at a brown wedding, even if you have hardly known them as long as your own folk, you are a fob.

Know who your people are (black, white, Asian, brown no matter) and sit close friends and relatives at the good tables. They were there for you when you were trying to hide your boyfriend "good" friend from your father.

Rule Number 9
A gate dhora is an ancient tradition.

Speaking of said white people, do you know what scares them the most? The groom is entering the hall, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN there's this huge mob of people at the gate and they are all shouting! I have seen some of them take out their cellphones and start to video the commotion. Little do they know this is the ancient custom of "gate dhora".

Desis it seems are the best when it comes to this business. The custom of "gate dhora" perfectly combines their inherent skills of mathematics, cheapness, shouting and diplomacy, an all in one. Indians are the masters in this: "This amount is how much you love the bride" or "this amount shows how much you value yourself"! How do you argue against that!

Note to folks arranging the wedding: Always agree beforehand on the amount, and always, ALWAYS, have an adult to supervise the kids. We desis play cricket, so we don't have soccer riots, but we do have gate dhoras.

Rule Number 10
If you say "I am going to keep it short", please mean it.

Really, the only one who is allowed to make a long speech is the father of the bride.

If you invite 600 people, you should know that not everyone is there to listen to your best friend going on, and on, and on, about your road trip in the final year.

There's only so many times you can use "and one more thing" in a speech. The phrase "before I finish" should be uttered exactly BEFORE YOU FINISH. Not before you add "and last but not the least".

Happy Weddings, everyone!

Gender Segregated Weddings

Have you ever been to a super boring wedding? When you sit apart from your wife, in different halls, and don't know anybody else, so you converse via sms, wait for the food and then leave? Where the only sign that it's a wedding is the one printed on the notice board?

Welcome to your traditional gender segregated wedding.

Now if you ask anyone who prefers a gender segregated wedding, here's what they will say - it's more "Islamic". Is it though?

Remember, Islam DOES discourage free mixing between men and women but ONLY when they are ALONE; Islam does not prohibit ALL interactions between men and women in a public setting.

I find it hypocritical too. To paraphrase Wood Turtle's status, so you can talk to a girl at work or on the street, but you can't talk to her at a wedding without losing all control and giving in to your "impulses"?

Here's the three basic myths about a gender segregated wedding:

1. It's Islamic.

Not it's not. The concept of gender segregation is a Middle Eastern patriarchal practice called Namus which predates Islam. There is no evidence from the Quran or Hadith that enforces segregation of sexes^[2].

The Prophet attended a wedding that was NOT gender segregated. It was Abu Usaid As-Saidi's wedding, and his wife served the Prophet (and his Companions) with food, and even brought him his drink^[3]. There are plenty of examples from his life where men and women, not related to each other, ate at the same table.

2. A mixed wedding may lead to men and women flirting

There is even the idea that if something bad can happen from a permissible act, then we should prohibit the permissible act, even if there is good in it. This incorrect idea is taken to extremes in Saudi Arabia, where women are not allowed to drive lest something bad happens. The ridiculousness of this is proven by a Saudi study that says if women are allowed to drive, there will be a loss of virginity in the kingdom and more homosexuals ^[4]. Dr Taqir Suwaidan at RIS specifically rebutted this idea. If the idea was true, then the whole incident of "Aisha and the Necklace" would never have happened.

As long as there is no obscenity, touching, secret meetings and any sexual contact, go ahead and maintain healthy social interaction with the opposite gender. It's the Islamic thing to do.^[1]

In Bengali circles, it's well known that men and women meet up at weddings. I attended two weddings this year, the second one was of the groom and bride who got to know each other well during the first wedding. And what's wrong with that?

If your society is already so segregated (I am looking at you Saudis) that it's unhealthy and where a woman's eyes now make you crazy^[5] then you gotta wonder how on earth will a man and woman meet up. Maybe the driving ban IS the reason you have more homosexuals (something to think about?).

My personal theory is that societies with gender segregated weddings (Pakistanis? Arabs?) have more cousin marriages. I am sure there is a research paper somewhere here, but what is so wrong with a young man and a young woman getting to know each other, and then getting married?

And if you think a gender segregated wedding prevents men and women from flirting, you don't know your young men and women.

3. Women show their hair and dress up all slutty at these mixed weddings

First, why are you looking at these women anyways! Lower your gaze, men! Second, see first.

I am not responsible for what anyone does. I am only responsible for my own actions. At my own wedding, I had a simple additional line in the invite.

"Since this is a Muslim wedding, guests are kindly requested to observe Islamic sensibilities and dress modestly. Your cooperation is this regard will be highly appreciated."

Or something to that affect. It was a mixed wedding. And you know what? Almost everyone complied with the request. My non-Muslim friends even called me up to ask what would be acceptable. That's because in general, people are nice. I find that hardcore so-called religious people treat everyone else as assholes who need to be 'guided', and therefore controlled.

My view is that it's your wedding, so if you want it to be gender segregated it's your choice. My faith compels me to attend a wedding once I get an invitation and have no excuses, so I will attend. But please, don't call it "Islamic". Because it's not, and you do a disservice to all those men and women who get married in a decent mixed wedding ceremony.


References:

1. Sexuality in Islam, referencing Surah Hujarat from the Quran.
2. Segregation of the Sexes.
3. Bukhari, Vol. 7, No. 111
4. Saudi Arabia: Driving a 'threat to virgin brides', The Independent
5. Saudi to ban women with alluring eyes

Moving Out of Parents' Homes After Marriage

This applies more to people from Eastern cultures, but ...

When do you think a married couple should move out of their parents' homes?

The culture in the West is that kids move out of their parents' place when they go to university, and stay on their own from then on. With the increasing trend of later marriages, when the kids marry, they have their own place (either their own or rented) and this is where they stay post-marriage.

The trend in the East is of joint families (or extended families). The kids may go MUST GO away to university, but post-completion they stay with their parents as they work. If it's the son, when he gets a wife, the girl moves into her in-laws' place. The grand parents, the kids and the grand kids all stay at the same residence.

Which approach do you think is better? In both of these practices I find a lot of good.

1. Independence

In Canada, I see kids growing up with summer jobs (such as mall stores, or even yard work, or at the beach) earning their own money, and thus developing an independent streak develop early. In life, they are better able to think on their feet, have street smarts, think like an adult, and take on their own responsibilities a lot earlier (just not on Saturday nights).

In our Eastern culture, kids are NEVER independent. And this rule applies especially if you are the son - you are always a momma's boy. I have seen even grown men with their own properties call on their dad to fix every little thing in their place as they have no idea how to do it. Life is 'leaving it to parents' while you enjoy.

2. Family Values

In the Western culture (and especially North American culture), parents don't play much of a role in one's life post-adulthood. Sure, they are always there (especially during Christmas) or you visit them regularly (hopefully) but you are your own man (or woman, or er, both). People usually settle down once they reach thirty (with a string of boyfriends/girlfriends since then). Yes, I am generalizing a bit. But post-30, once they find "the one", they inform their parents, hold a wedding, and then again continue their own lives.

In our Eastern culture, a family is very important to us. Even if our parents don't choose our spouses, it is important that the new addition to the family "fit in" with everyone - so consequently people give a lot of thought about their families when choosing a spouse, and our parents have a lot of say in what we do (where we stay, our jobs, our marital life etc.). There is a bond of family that is stronger in many Asian cultures than in the West.

So again, when do you think a married couple should move out of their parents' homes?

I think ideally, a new couple should have their own place. It give them privacy and a space to grow on their own as a couple (free from other influences). If you are Muslim, it seems religiously, it is also the right of every wife to have a home of her own according to the standards of her own social group. In many instances it is encouraged for the new couple to be given privacy and be left alone. This of course doesn't happen when you have a joint family system where the morning after your marital night you are expected to get up and help make breakfast for 20 people.

On the other hand, from experience, I can say a new wife living with her in-laws helps get her and her new family closer. It helps develop strong ties between her and her husband's siblings, and respect and love towards his parents. Moreover, not everyone can afford to have their own place right away.

I think therefore, giving some time, if you have to live with your parents, you should put a time limit of two years, and strive to get your own place in the meanwhile.

And when you do, it should be close enough so you can still visit them often, and take care of their needs, because as a child one has obligations towards the parents, especially if they are old and vulnerable.

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none save Him, and that you be kind to (your) parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, "My Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy even as they cherished me in (my) childhood." - (Quran, 17:23-24)