Ignoring Phone Calls

This actually happened today at work.

C: Hey man, why didn't you meet us for lunch?

D: Oh, I didn't know you guys were going. Why didn't you call or text me?

C: I did! Look at your phone! You must have over 4-5 missed calls and texts!

D: Oooh ... right. I actually thought it was my wife, that's why I didn't pick up. Sorry man.

For so long we South Asians in Canada had to do with a milk jug. White people visiting our house would leave mystified as to why we have a milk jug in the washroom. What possible use could it serve? Alas, it has all to do the Lota, thus ensuing we have squeaky clean bums.

But fear not. Due to creeping Sharia / mass immigration / desification we now have the Mrs Bidet attachment.

According to Home Depot's website, it can be used by the whole family (though, presumably, not at the same time)! Only, why did they call it an "European bathroom accessory" ? Since when did those 17th century Europeans engage in bathroom hygiene?  

Types of Bangladeshi Cricket Fans

The Realist

Looking at our batting averages, Bangladesh cannot really win against any of the big teams. I will just be happy if we don't lost to Afghanistan and Scotland.

The Eternal Optimist

I just feel it. We have the bad results out of the way. Once we thrash Afghanistan, the momentum is with us. We just need to win against one of the big teams. And then three knock out wins. We can definitely do it, insha Allah.

The Fortune Teller

You will see Shakib al Hassan score three centuries. He will definitely score 112 against Australia. We will win against Afghanistan by bowling them 200 all out and chasing it in 43.5 overs. And we will make the quarter finals.

The Pessimist (somewhat related to the Realist)

Is there any point in watching any game of Bangladesh? We can't even win against Ireland nowadays.

The Superstitious

I have noticed whenever I switch on Cricinfo to check the score they lost a wicket. So this time I am staying away from the internet.

The Wannabe TV Analyst

They should send Tamim Iqbal one down. He is protected from the new ball and can build an innings. Nasir Hossain should work on his leg side shots. He has a good off side pickup swivel, but has problem with the footwork in execute his leg glance. He needs to get his eye behind the ball.

The Whitewashed

Did anyone catch Manchester United's latest game? Cricket ... nah, I don't watch that. It's so boring.

The Religious

Ya Allah! I have fasted for three days and prayed twenty rakah nafil namaaz. Please give us a victory. Or at least one century. Ya Allah, if Tamim Iqbal scores 100 today, I will sacrifice one goat. Well, and if the team wins.

The Cynic

It's all fixed, I tell you. They have bought everybody. Every match is fixed.

10 Signs You Are A Bangladeshi in Canada

1. You mom always watched Indian or Pakistani TV serials, because NTV and ATN Bangla came so late to the scene. You always made fun of those because Pakistani serials were all about loving your cousin and Indian serials was about designer dresses.

2. Whenever your mama or chacha called from Bangladesh (or rather, your dad called them because, face it, people back home are cheap), you ran away to hide. And your parents would somehow track you down because, let's face it, kotha boltey hobey.

3. You dad always paid $17/month (initially) for ATN Bangla (and then NTV) just to watch the news. Which was always the same crap. Some protest, lathi charge, 4 people dead, 3 people ahoto, and the Prime Minister on CNN saying her party is not corrupt.

4. Whenever your best friend tells you he or she is going to get married, there goes every long weekend of your summer.

5. Sometimes you reminisced nostalgically about your childhood in Bangladesh, and shared videos on Facebook like this one. But that's usually when the weather outside looked like this.

6. You have an abusive relationship with the Bangladesh cricket team. Where they abuse you by contriving to lose humiliatingly, sometimes from utterly winnable positions, and you promise to yourself you will never support them again. Come the next series again, you are back on Cricinfo, promising this time the "boys will do it".

7. But (on the rare occasion) when they do win, you party like only a Bengali can.

8. You never got tired of the opportunity to remind Indians how Anu Malik copied a song in the movie Murder from a Miles song ("Firiye Dao"). If you ever got tired of reminding them who kicked them out of the 2007 World Cup (and conveniently forgetting the 2011 World Cup).

9. Speaking of Bangladeshi bands, they don't make 'em like they used to any more (LRB, Miles, Prometheus). Those were the glorious 2000s.

10. You still need your dad when you go to buy a car, because he knows how to bargain the way you never will.

BONUS 11. Raymond's mom had nothing on the guilt trips your mom can engineer.

BONUS 12. Your sister has enough bangles to open ten churi stalls.

 

7 Irritating Things Brown Uncles Say To Slightly Heavier Younger People

Now, I am not exactly Brad Pitt. And I also don't have a six pack (well technically I do, but it's not showing up). And I am not also exactly in shape (unless you count cutish-oval as a shape).

However, I don't also need 2 seats on a bus nor do I need to wear a thobe ala Homer Simpson style to hide my pounds. I am somewhere at that happy stage where I don't eat all the time, but when I am hungry, and I go to the gym or work out when I want to, not because I have to post about it on Facebook.

However, tell that to brown uncles, who all think they are certified personal physical trainers (despite the fact that some of them wouldn't last 1 lap at the pool). Here's some oh-no-you-just-didn't-say-that things that brown uncles say to younger brown men that they would never say to a white guy. And not just brown uncles. Cousins. "Well-wishers". Co-workers. This is to all of you.

1. You seemed to have gained some weight.

Tumi to ektu mota hoye geso.

Oh gee! Seriously! OMG! I didn't notice! I mean, the jeans I bought five years ago don't fit anymore (and that I kept out of some morbid hope that I would go back to five sizes), but I was so blaming the washing machine and the recently cold weather for shrinking my clothes. Thank you so much for this revelation! I mean, I didn't know AT ALL that I am not exactly in shape since 1990 but now I do!

And what do you mean seem? Don't you trust your eyes?

2. You know, you should join the gym.

No way! Really?!! No I totally didn't think of that one.... thank you for suggesting something so earth shattering!!! Btw, I am assuming you are going to foot my $55/month plan, and personal trainer costs ... ? Hello? BTW have you seen your wife, the Brown Aunty? Also known as The Bus?

3. Wow, 2 glasses of Coke!

Ei boyoshe ektu control dorkar.

Hey! No one really NEEDS that extra glass of Coke (or even that first glass) but you know what. I am going to drink it ANYWAYS because Goddamnit it's refreshing and I don't care how many chain letters you forward about how Coke can dissolve the Great Wall of China or firefighters use it to clean their hoses. It's Coke and I WANT IT.

4. Have you lost weight?
Either you are suffering from severe eye sight issues, or dementia, or you are a pathological liar. Just. Please. Stop commenting on other people's weight. Just don't.

5. You’d look better if you were thinner.

Tumi jodi ektu chikon hoita tahole to hero lagta.

Hey, I have seen myself naked in the mirror, and I LOVE me. I am sure I could look much better but hey, I could also have scared small children. Which I don't, just FYI. So, yeah, whatever. Someday we all will die and for sure we will get thinner after that. Don't know about the looks though. Speaking of morbid things ...

6. I heard the other day a 30 year old complete healthy and fit man had a heart attack!

That's good, as I am definitely not 30 years old any more ...

7. You should start eating healthy. How about sticking to salads only.

OMG someday I will punch the person who will say that to me! Jibone kokhono salad khao nai, and now they are a nutrition expert.

And as if Salad is the ONLY healthy food. Most brown uncles who say this are either eating horrible deep friend ground beef samosas themselves or are married to chiria aunties who have never been overweight a day in their lives and still think they look like Suchitra Sen after 2 tonnes of make up.

Wow.

I guess I should be happy I am not a girl. They get asked even weirder questions.

How to Bring Someone Up (and then Down) in 30 Seconds

I was showing my wife a picture we took with my phone of my brother and I at RIS.

The Wife: Wow, you look SO MUCH younger (than your brother) in this picture.

Me (beaming because I am actually a decade older): ... well ... *modest cough* I have been working out lately.

The Wife: No, it must be because you are so much shorter than him.

*badum tish*

Conversations at a Bong Wedding

I attended a lot of weddings this summer. Bengali weddings in Canada are the best. We have Bengali people, Indian food, Pakistani dresses, Caucasian waiters and Arab imams, all under one roof. You can take a ginger ale and pose as if you are drinking Champagne for your Instagram. And our weddings aren't usually segregated, so it's fun, with music and masti and all.

Then there's these conversations:

Heavily made up aunty: Hey beta, how are you! I saw you when you were yeh high! How much have your grown! Do you remember me?

Me: Of course auntie! How can I forget you?

Later (to mom): Who was THAT?

---
Friend 1: Are they calling out dinner by table numbers?

Friend 2: Who cares? How will people in the line know we are not Table 37 and not 11?

Friend 1: Um, we are not white. That's the table that always gets called first at a brown wedding!

---
Twenty year old son: Dad, We can't sit here. This table's reserved!

Dad: Reserved sheserved! Dhut! That doesn't mean anything!

*turns the reserved tag upside down so no one can read it*

As I said, Bengali weddings are fun.

MCs, can you please, please, PLEASE, please not use this line:

"For Those ladies that are wondering... yes I am single."

Now that's just corny.

The Chicken or Egg Paradox and Islam

Me: "You know, I have NEVER understood the chicken and egg paradox."

Wife: "Oh, it's simple. Which came first, the chicken, or the egg? It's it's the egg, who laid it? If it's the chicken, and all chickens come from eggs, so ..."

Me: "I understand the paradox all right. I am just saying it's NOT a paradox. I know the answer. It's THE CHICKEN."

Wife [puzzled]: "So how can you be so sure? Prove it."

Me [with an extremely self satisfied smug]: "Easy. This paradox depends on a non-defined starting point. Well, we all know Allah created everything. He started everything. So, He created a pair of chickens. They then laid eggs, and so on. Ergo, the chicken came first. QED."

There was a pause. This was it, I thought. A seminal moment in history. The age old paradox solved by Islam. Islam - the religion that has the answer to everything.

And then ...

Wife: "What if Allah created a pair of eggs?"

Things I Learnt From The Movie Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl

1. You can make a fully functional website for a hotel chain of hotels AND have it be on the top of Google search list, all in one day.
   
   
2. If you walk into a Punjabi gangster's house in the middle of the night with his drunk passed out daughter in your arms, declare yourself as her boyfriend who has been clubbing with her when she is supposed to be at a friend's wedding, the gangster is likely to buy your house and pay by cash.
   
   
3. In India, everyone buys land and property by exchanging bags of cash as deposit, without checking the land value, or even the title deed. After all, how can you not trust this face?
   
   
4. If you are a steel titan and earn over $30 million a year, you will sell a painting for cash on advance to save Rupees 30,000 in tax.
   
   
5. The ringtone that is one the biggest Bollywood hits of the decade has only 7 downloads in a country that has over 881 million cellphone users. And downloading a ringtone is the ONLY way to install a ringtone on today's smartphones.
   
   
6. When you have a photo of the man who conned you out of your savings, AND 3 witnesses of similar cons, AND the present location of the man, do NOT go to the police.
   
   
7. Everyone in Goa is at the beach with well oiled abs. In a city of 1.3 million, it's easy to spot one man on the beach.
   
   
8. In India, to get billionaires to invest in hotels you are planning to build on an already saturated market, it is important to throw a big party. Business plans, market evaluations, cash flow statements, revenue predictions etc. are for suckers. And you don't even need to finalize a site for the hotel. You just need a party on a boat. WTF.
   
   
9. Then, after 8 billionaires DO decide to invest in your scheme (WHY?), you decide they are not really necessary, as your dad is rich enough.

More Bollywood Lessons:

Things I Learnt From The Movie Race

Things I Learnt From The Movie Train

Things I Learnt From The Movie Vivah

Wife Space

Wife to Husband: We need a new wardrobe. All our wardrobes are so small. I need some where to store my new clothes. Right now they are all in a box. We need a new wardrobe. A big one. Are you listening to me?

Husband dutifully goes out with wife and together they select a new wardrobe. Husband lugs the furniture back to their place and spends the weekend assembling it.

Husband (proudly displaying the assembled wardrobe to wife): What do you think?

Wife: Hmm ... it's too big.

Women!

How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding - Part 2

Following on from Part 1.

Rule Number 6
If you have seating arrangements, let it be known. Especially to the parents of the bride and groom.

I have been to weddings where they hired a fancy wedding planner who (claimed to have) made seating arrangements for 600 people. Except no one knew what it was; there was no big printed board informing people of their table number, or people to guide you to your seats. And on top of that, you ask the clueless clearly hassled parents of the bride and groom, and they tell you "Oh, you can sit where you want". Except that when you do, the bridesmaids get their panties in a knot because you committed the grand crime of seating at a "reserved" table.

Here's a corollary - if you invite 600 people (see rules 1 and 2) you don't need a seating plan.

Rule Number 7
Do not have a Quran Recitation in the middle of a disco.

"Alright, let's begin our evening with the obligatory recitation of Surah Rum."

"Now, everybody, on the dance floor! Let's welcome the bride and groom with the biggest, loudest, bhangra, EVER!"

Like, seriously? Not even a filler?

Rule Number 8
Do not discriminate guests by their skin colour.

If you take all the good tables and sit white people there because you know, they are WHITE and need special attention at a brown wedding, even if you have hardly known them as long as your own folk, you are a fob.

Know who your people are (black, white, Asian, brown no matter) and sit close friends and relatives at the good tables. They were there for you when you were trying to hide your boyfriend "good" friend from your father.

Rule Number 9
A gate dhora is an ancient tradition.

Speaking of said white people, do you know what scares them the most? The groom is entering the hall, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN there's this huge mob of people at the gate and they are all shouting! I have seen some of them take out their cellphones and start to video the commotion. Little do they know this is the ancient custom of "gate dhora".

Desis it seems are the best when it comes to this business. The custom of "gate dhora" perfectly combines their inherent skills of mathematics, cheapness, shouting and diplomacy, an all in one. Indians are the masters in this: "This amount is how much you love the bride" or "this amount shows how much you value yourself"! How do you argue against that!

Note to folks arranging the wedding: Always agree beforehand on the amount, and always, ALWAYS, have an adult to supervise the kids. We desis play cricket, so we don't have soccer riots, but we do have gate dhoras.

Rule Number 10
If you say "I am going to keep it short", please mean it.

Really, the only one who is allowed to make a long speech is the father of the bride.

If you invite 600 people, you should know that not everyone is there to listen to your best friend going on, and on, and on, about your road trip in the final year.

There's only so many times you can use "and one more thing" in a speech. The phrase "before I finish" should be uttered exactly BEFORE YOU FINISH. Not before you add "and last but not the least".

Happy Weddings, everyone!

What did the Android say to the iPhone?

Note: If you don't follow Bollywood, or do not understand Hindi/Urdu, this post is not for you. I apologize.

So, I have an Android, my sister-in-law has an iPhone. Sometime back, I read a joke online, thought it would be a great joke to pass on to her (she follows Bollywood!) and therefore sms-ed her.

What I sms-ed:

What did the mutter say to the paneer?

Tu CHEESE Badi Hai Mast Mast!!

What my sister-in-law received:

Tu CHEESE Badi Hai Mast Mast!!

Needless to say, she was a puzzled girl, and thank goodness it was all clarified as soon as possible, otherwise it would just not have remained an Android vs. iPhone issue!

Facebook Appeases Muslims

Recently it has come to many people's attention that Facebook has stopped growing in Canada. This story about Facebook's fall in numbers was repeated throughout the Western world.

As a result, Facebook has refined its growth strategy to target Muslims in the developing world. Following detailed customer analysis, Facebook has made the following changes to its interface.

Events:

It felt that the original Event attendance with its three buttons was completely blasphemous to Muslims.


After all, when you click "I'm attending", how do you know you will attend an event, in the future? Only Allah knows the future, and therefore, the button was changed.


Marital Info:

This was targeted more towards the wealthier Arab market in the Gulf. In the original interface, Facebook allowed for the following setup.


This has now been changed to recognize the reality that upto 0.1% of the Arab men have more than 1 wife.


Poking:


Poking has been controversial ever since the feature was launched. According to Sheikh A'anta Majnun, "poking led to touching which led to dancing which led to haraam yaani boking is haraam". However, the feature could not be disabled for the Muslim world as it was discovered that many Muslim men liked to be 'poked' by non-related women. Therefore Facebook arrived at a compromise and allowed men to poke a women's "waali" (guardian) back if he was so inclined.



The feature was disabled for Muslim women, as their 'poking' responsibilities were delegated to their "waali". On a related note, most women have not yet 'friended' their "waali" (this is yet to be solved: one solution recommended delegating all 'friending' requests themselves to the "waali" but that is being debated).

Pictures

Photographs and tagging friends has long been Facebook's unique features, and this was tweaked slightly for the Muslim users of Facebook. An app titled "Muttawafy" automatically scans and ensures that pictures conform to strict guidelines followed by Muslim women.



As an aside, for some reason this feature, while it was introduced a while back with default setting "on", was found to be disabled by most desi men.

Careful what you say ...!

So I am there at the office with my brother to pick up some papers and a package. it was 4.30 pm. At exactly 6 pm I had the badminton court booked.

I stared at my ticket stub. It said 560.

I looked up at the LCD display above. It said "now serving applicant 540".

Twenty people more, I thought, how bad could it be?

It was bad. It was so slow.

"What's the time?" My brother, and badminton partner, asked me.

"4:45 pm." I glanced at my watch and replied.

"Uh oh." He quickly calculated. "It will take us 40 minutes to go home in rush hour. We will be cutting it close."

"If by 5 we are ready to pick it up ..." I left the sentence unfinished. We would just reach home in time. Perhaps.

"Now serving customer 559." The LCD said.

"It's 5 o'clock." My brother announced, quite loudly.

"Yeah," I replied. And then I added, not realizing, in a VERY loud voice, "The countdown has begun."

Quite the wrong choice of words when you are at an embassy to pick up your visa ...

Superstitions

I recently read of the plight of a house owner in Markham who cannot sell his house because it is no. 4, which is "death" in Cantonese [source].

“Tetraphobia,” fear of 4, entered their vocabulary.

Having a 4 in the address can lower a home's value — "Agents estimate anywhere between $25,000 and $35,000," Graham Canning says.

The article mentions that the area was predominantly Anglo when the owners first moved in, but now is mostly Chinese (Hong Kong immigrants) - many of whom won't buy if there is the number 4 in the house address.

Now to me, this is quite silly. It's like the old joke where "so-and-so heard that 80% of accidents happen near one's home, so he moved". I then read some of the comments left by readers. Here's one:

Canada has been accommodating immigrants so long, that accommodating Canadians somehow fell off the map.

So says someone poking fun of an immigrant superstition, when you will not find a floor number 13 on most Canadian buildings! In fact, there is one condo in Scarborough where there are no floors that are numbered 4, 13 or 23!

In Bangladesh, most superstitions I grew up with tended to be fears of the dark. So for example you don't cut your nails after evening, you don't look at your shadows at night or if someone is lying on the floor, don't step over them. Some are pretty common sense but others are quite ridiculous - for example if your right hand itches you will have some money coming in!

So perhaps one should give the house owner some itching powder and get him to sell the house to a non-Chinese person.

How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding - Part 1

I attended a lot of weddings this summer, mostly desi weddings. If you don't know how desi weddings work, here's a primer. Now, in the interests of preserving sane-ness amongst desis, I give you (for free) my 5 tips on How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding.

*start*

Rule Number 1
If you invite 600 people, make sure the hall can, oh-I-don't-know, HOLD 600 people.

This is your wedding. If you can afford to invite 600 people, then PLEASE get a big hall. Don't think "half won't show up" and "we don't need air conditioning in Canada".

Here's a rule: 600 people = 600 chairs (minimum).

Rule Number 2
You know, you don't REALLY need to invite 600 people.

It's wedding, not a Facebook invite to a teenager's party. Brown people invite EVERY body, lest someone get offended. Sure, you may not have seen me for 10 years, but you will be offended if I don't invite you to an event where you will be ignored for the whole 3 hours because there's 599 other people who want to take a photo with me.

And here's some information for desi parents: "Mr & Mrs." is good enough. You don't NEED to add "and family" to John in the cubicle down the corridor whom you have never known but feel obliged to invite anyways.

Rule Number 3
Please Vet All Wedding Speakers, including the imam/priest.

So here's the situation. I attend this wedding where the food has NOT been served and there's a whole bunch of white people also in attendance (and being fussed over by the host) while the brown guys run riot and throw seating arrangement plans out the window (including PHYSICALLY lifting chairs and taking it to another table AND picking out the 'reserved' tag on some tables and chucking it) - when the long bearded imam stands up to speak.

"Greetings and peace be upon you," He starts. "So here is my tip to the newly wed couple. You have certain rights over each other."

And then he goes to entail how the wife should seek the permission of the husband before leaving his house and how she should always submit to him and the husband should break the news gently to his wife if he ever takes a second wife.

By the end of the speech I had learnt that homosexuals should be stoned to death and a couple can enjoy marital relations in any position (minus the exceptions) and how in this society every woman in a short skirt is a temptress and every man has to fend for himself.

All spoken with a very bad accent.

The food then arrived. I had lost my appetite.

Please pay close attention: VET ALL SPEAKERS. VET THEIR SPEECHES. If possible introduce tape delay.

And do NOT stone homsexuals to death.

Rule Number 4
Women Need To Pray Too.

This is more for Muslims but I have seen many weddings where the hosts go to great lengths to make prayer arrangements - for the men. The women? I guess you can pray in your chairs. I get it that some women may not want to pray given their state of ablution and the heavy make up but for those that wish to pray you SHOULD make the arrangements. If you can get a prayer space, the women can just pray BEHIND the women.

But that would make sense.

And while you are about it, can you get an imam who will NOT decide to read Surah Baqarah while leading that prayer? Seriously, Allah revealed short surahs for a reason.

Rule Number 5
Calling For Food By Table Numbers - a primer.

Please, please DON'T DO THIS. It makes sense when there's only 5-10 tables (see Rule number 2 and refer to white weddings as example). It makes NO SENSE when there's 60 tables. And it makes absolutely ZERO sense when you are reading table numbers in some random order of prime factorial and forget to continue after '39'.

Either have a buffet with at least 4 lines (2 tables with people on either side) so it moves fast, or have food brought to the table. If you want some priviledged people to eat first (i.e in-laws or white people at the office you want to impress), AGAIN, bring the food TO THEIR TABLE.

Otherwise, have a free-for-all buffet.

Again, see rule 1 and 2.

*end*

Extended in Part 2 ...

Lego Bollywood

So, following on from a busy Eid, I had a little bit of time on my hands this weekend.

Movie: 3 Idiots

A promotional poster for the movie.

Film: Baazigar

The scene that defined the movie.

Film: Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

The best song from the best movie of all time.

Film: Hum Tum

The characters from the comic strip in the movie.

Film: Mr India

"Mogambo Khush Hua"

"Main hoon Mr India!"

"Mr India laal rang pe dekha dete hain!"

Film: Om Shanti Om

From the song Dard-e-Disco (4 minutes into the song)

Film: Silsila

Song: Dekha Ek Khwab

"Fool bhi ho darmiyon to faasle huyain"

Movie: Slumdog Millionaire

The climatic scene from the movie, when Anil Kapoor goes "Chaiwala Jamaal from Aamchi Mumbai!" [images]

How To Spot The Eid Grinch

Are you an Eid Grinch? Do you not have fun on Eid? How do you tell someone if they are the Eid humbug? Here are three signs.

1. Working on Eid when they don't have to

2. Not giving Eidi or gifts to children/family

3. Staying home and watching TV all Eid day

Eid is meant to have fun. It is meant as a celebration, BY GOD, for all you have done in Ramadan. It may be a challenge to celebrate Eid in a non-Muslim country but it's not hard, nor is it particularly tough. Really, is it that hard to just have a good time?

Have a party. Arrange some games (here's some Eid game suggestions!). Visit your friends. Give your mom a call (and dad too). Forgive your enemies. Switch off the TV and go outside. Don't be a $$$$ miser, give some gifts!

Here's in advance a very happy Eid Mubarak to all my readers.

5 Tips for the Night Prayers

Now that the last 10 days of Ramadan are here (wow!), I thought I should rehash some of tips on how to attend the night prayers at the mosque during this holy time.

Tip 1: It is not a hurdles competition.

I know that there is a reward for being in front of the mosque. The closer you are to the front, the greater the reward, so the saying goes. Having said that, if you want to go to the front of the mosque, COME EARLY!

I am sick of people in overflowing robes coming late to the mosque and the bumping my head off as they try to leapfrog into a more 'rewarding' position. Must be a 'calculating muslim syndrome'.

Tip 2: You are not having dinner

I remember getting a chain email long time ago that if you want to show you appreciation to an Arab host, you burp to signal that you have enjoyed your meal. I have no idea if this is true or not. However, the mosque is not a dinner table nor have you been invited to a meal. I am speaking of course of the famous 'biryani burp'.

Yesterday I moved up (see tip 1) after 8 rakats to get closer to God. And then stood next to an uncle who kept 'burping the Ameen' for the next 12 rakats. As for my salaat, alas I spent less time contemplating on the meaning of the Quran and more time on fantasizing if I can order a hit on this guy.

Seriously, if you are going to stand for long time, control what you have for your iftar. An iftar is not another word for a 12-course meal.

Tip 3: Allah loves cleanliness.

And for muslims, cleanliness is half of faith, as told by the Prophet.

And besides, nowadays we all have Tide. Heck, even the Dollar Store has a cheap detergent you can use.

I know you are very worried someone will steal your precious "Timmi Hilfigur" socks (or else it's playoff hockey time and you haven't taken your socks off as you are winning - remember superstition is alien to Islam), but please, stop trying to kill other people when they are doing sujood, even though it is a blessing to die in sujood it is a greater blessing to have a long and virtuous life.

Tip 4: Stop scaring little kids

Children are a blessing, said the Prophet. When he used to pray, his grandkids would climb on his back and otherwise 'bother' him during his prayers, yet he never scolded them. Yesterday I saw an old uncle morph into a godzilla and scare the crap out of this little kid who had the misfortune of running in front of the dude while he was praying. I am sure that kid will have fond memories of the mosque in the future. Later on, when you are lamenting as to why the youth of today do not come to the mosque, it's because you have scarred them when they were the baby of yesterday.

Tip 5: Sleep first.

It's the NIGHT prayers. Most people SLEEP at night. That's why those who pray are doing something special. Note: pray. NOT SLEEP. If you have to sleep, please remain on your bed, not on my shoulder. There is actually a saying that you should not pray when you are sleepy. So either sleep before and then come to the mosque, or please stay in your bed.

To desi FOB uncles: If you follow the above tips, I am sure you can make your experience and the experience of the rest around you a lot better.

The iPhone Disease

If you are like me, you probably have a lot of friends (usually of the female variety) who are hooked on to their iPhones, swear by it and at every possible moment try to impress upon you as to how urgently you require an iPhone.

Now I can still have my (very) old phone, and an even older plan, as a result of which I would not pay Robbers Rogers a huge hefty monthly bill in data plans, and can concentrate on paying down my even heftier student loan first. However, this post is not about the telecommunications industry in Canada nor a discussion on where the idea of not being online all the time was viewed as common sense, but of a particular and a very contagious disease.

The iPhone disease.

This disease (it can be classified as a mental illness) manifests itself in many ways. Following are some symptoms.

I Have an App For That

Every normal conversation with an iPhone holder is interrupted with this favourite phrase of theirs. For example,

You: "I want to see how Ironman 2 is."

iPhone User: "Oh wait, I can tell you. I have an App for that. It's called Movie Review For Dummies iMovie."

[5 minutes of caressing the iPhone later]

iPhone User: "it has 3.5 stars ..."

You: "Hmm. I have some time to kill. I wonder where it's playing."

iPhone User: "Oh wait, I can tell you. I have an App for that. It's called Theatre For Dummies iTheatre."

[5 more minutes of caressing the iPhone later]

iPhone User: "it's playing in X, Y and Z. Do you want to book tickets? Coz... I have an App for that as well."

Touching the iPhone

Every iPhone user has to touch the iPhone every 5 minutes or less. It's a built in withdrawal symptom. Try it - talk to an iPhone user for 5 minutes and see if they don't whip out the monstrous brick every 5 minutes or less. You may be having a perfect conversation with them but they will still take it out, check something on it and then remark to you, "Oh isn't that funny? Look what Mike posted!"

Do I care what Mike posted? I was talking to you!

If it's not checking their email, or boasting about an app (see above), it's tweeting. Again, you will be having dinner, and the iPhone user will be tweeting:

"having dinner with @so-and-so. #fun!"

Why do you do this? It would be pathetic if not for the other iPhone user tweeting back:

"@iPhoneUser1 you too? Me too! #goodtimes #fun"

It's all an excuse to touch the iPhone.

Comparing Notes

As soon the iPhone user comes into contact with another iPhone user, there is some sort of signal which allows them to ascertain that the other person also belongs to this not-so-exclusive club. They will instantly both whip out their iPhones (see point above) and start comparing notes.

"Oh, what a nice skin."

"Oh, that's a nice screen filter."

"Oh, do you have this app? You must get this app. It tells you how much battery the other apps are using!"

"Oh really, nice! Btw you MUST get this app. It makes snide remarks about anyone not having phone with a data plan!"

"Oh lovely! But you MUST get this latest app. It automatically calculates how much happiness the iPhone is giving you and transfers an equivalent amount of money to Apple immediately."

"SWEET!"

So, if you and your friends have an iPhone, do check that you do not succumb to this deadly disease. It's very curable, I tell you.

- Posted from my iPhone