AfD - The News That Could Occur Next Year in Germany

In a stunning upset, the Alternative for Germany (AfD) party has been declared the victor in the national elections, carving out a clear majority in the Bundestag.

The victory makes Frauke Petry, the spokesperson of the AfD, next in line for the Chancellery. The unexpected result also questions the very existence of EU, as Ms Petry repeatedly denigrated the institution during the campaign, and promised to take Germany out of EU if it meant, in her words, "subsidizing the lazy people of Greece and Spain with hard working German money". The results have thrown world markets into turmoil, further depressing the Euro.

Europe is in the midst of a stunning upheaval. Following from Brexit, and the shock election of Donald Trump as the President of USA (and the dismantling of NATO, followed by the cancellation of Paris Accord and the TTIP), Hungary, Holland have both voted to leave the troubled organization.

If Germany, a founding member and leader in the EU chooses to depart, it may well be the death blow to the EU. The Chinese yuan has already risen ten fold in thirteen hours since the election result.

It was thought for a long time that Germans would never warm to a political party pledging allegiance to neo Nazi ideals, denigrating migrants, peddling Islamophobia and anti-Semitic propaganda and insulting long standing allies. Indeed polls right the day before the vote gave a huge lead of 29.5 points to now outgoing Chancellor Angela Merkel.

The party has also pledged to take Germany back to its "Christian roots" and sought to strengthen the church and family values in Germany. Its closeness to the Vatican has also raised eyebrows, with the Pope choosing to remain silent on some of the outrageous statements issued during the campaign.

In hindsight, the Holy See must have seen something the polls had all missed. An anger at the current state of government, the bureaucracy in Brussels, the numerous Muslim migrants and the crimes alleged to have been committed by them (all debunked as false news by Politico Germany) and the "I-know-best" attitude of the ruling Christian Democratic Union.

It now remains to be seen how Europe will reshape itself in the years to come following this cataclysmic election.

Are You More Pious Than The Prophet?

Congratulations, you may now be more pious than the Prophet.

* * *

You will never kiss your wife in public, because after all that is what those infidels do. We are not of loose morals like them! No Public Display of Affection for Muslims! We may beat our wives, because that is in the Quran, supposedly, but we will NEVER kiss them in public.

Congratulations, you are now more pious than the Prophet. He used to kiss his wives in public ^[1] and never beat them.

* * *

Do you have fun? Astagfirullah! Come on! The duniya (world) is not a place to have fun!

Too bad the Prophet had fun. He used to engage in racing with his wives (sometimes he even let Aisha - a woman - win! *gasp*) ^[2], and he even carried Umama, his grand-daughter (Zainab's daughter), while praying.

WHILE PRAYING! *double gasp*. He used to put her down gently when he prostrated ^[3]. We would NEVER let a child interfere with us when we pray, eh? Guess we think we are more pious than him.

Yep. No fun please, we are Muslims.

* * *

You treat Islam seriously. After all, religion is not supposed to be easy, right? I mean, never mind that verse in Surah Taha where Allah is saying "We have not sent down the Qur'an to you to be (an occasion) for your distress" ^[4] - who cares about that! If it's easy it cannot be pious, we all know if you are truly Islamic you will do it the hard way! In fact, when the going gets tough, you know you are in the right path!

The above is actually the tag and title of a blog that encourages women who are pregnant, to fast. Even if it's a 18 hour fast (like in North America).

Too bad the Prophet recommended the easy way for us. Especially about pregnant women and fasting (a definite no-no) ^[6]. But come on! We are more pious than that! As the author asks, "Yes, why should I not fast whilst pregnant?" It's all about priorities. Yes, sure the Quran and Hadith may exempt you, but ... Allah will give you strength! Even if, you know, you are disobeying Him and His Prophet!

When Umar told the Prophet after the conquest of Mecca that prayers no longer need be shortened, as there was no more a fear of attack, the Prophet replied, "This is a charity that Allah, the Exalted, has bestowed upon you, so accept His charity!"

And in another place, *gasp* the Prophet even told his Companions, "So be moderate in your religious deeds and do what is within your ability."^[5]

But we are more pious than that, are we not?

* * *

Meanwhile, we Muslims have to defend the honour of the Prophet (by behaving dishonourably?). And the honour of ALL Prophets. So someone named a teddy bear after Muhammad (peace be upon him)? Off with her head!

Too bad Muhammad's own wife Aisha used to do the same thing.

And music! Astagfirullah! Isn't there a hadith that says "the love of Quran and the love of music cannot co-exist in the same heart"? Oh wait, there isn't? *surprise* Oh, it's just a quote by some guy named Ibn Masud. Oh well, it's good enough for us. No music at our weddings!

After all, it's only the Prophet's most beloved wife Aisha who narrated that when a woman was married to an Ansari man, the Prophet (peace be on him) said, "Aishah, did they have any entertainment? The Ansar are fond of entertainment." ^[7]

Once, according to Ibn Abbas, Aisha gave a girl relative of hers in marriage to a man of the Ansar. The Prophet came and asked, "Did you send a singer along with her?"

"No," said 'Aishah. The Messenger of Allah (peace be on him) then said, "The Ansar are a people who love poetry. You should have sent along someone who would sing, 'Here we come, to you we come, greet us as we greet you.'"^[8]

But come on now, we are for sure more pious than that! In the name of Islam we will segregate our women and put them behind that curtain. I ask you, did the Prophet allow women to be present in the mosques?

He did? Um... um, ignore that. Times are different now. No longer can we obey the Prophet's sunnah in accepting an invitation to a Jewish lady's house for dinner (you know, without wondering if the cow was facing Mecca when it was slaughtered).

We are way, way more pious now.

References:
1. Abu Dawud and Tirmidhi
2. Ahmad
3. Bukhari
4. Quran 20:2
5. Bukhari, Volume 7, Hadith 577
6. Abu Dawud, 2408; al-Tirmidhi, 715; al-Nasa’i, 2315; and Ibn Majah, 1667
7. Bukhari
8. Ibn Majah

Facebook Appeases Muslims

Recently it has come to many people's attention that Facebook has stopped growing in Canada. This story about Facebook's fall in numbers was repeated throughout the Western world.

As a result, Facebook has refined its growth strategy to target Muslims in the developing world. Following detailed customer analysis, Facebook has made the following changes to its interface.

Events:

It felt that the original Event attendance with its three buttons was completely blasphemous to Muslims.


After all, when you click "I'm attending", how do you know you will attend an event, in the future? Only Allah knows the future, and therefore, the button was changed.


Marital Info:

This was targeted more towards the wealthier Arab market in the Gulf. In the original interface, Facebook allowed for the following setup.


This has now been changed to recognize the reality that upto 0.1% of the Arab men have more than 1 wife.


Poking:


Poking has been controversial ever since the feature was launched. According to Sheikh A'anta Majnun, "poking led to touching which led to dancing which led to haraam yaani boking is haraam". However, the feature could not be disabled for the Muslim world as it was discovered that many Muslim men liked to be 'poked' by non-related women. Therefore Facebook arrived at a compromise and allowed men to poke a women's "waali" (guardian) back if he was so inclined.



The feature was disabled for Muslim women, as their 'poking' responsibilities were delegated to their "waali". On a related note, most women have not yet 'friended' their "waali" (this is yet to be solved: one solution recommended delegating all 'friending' requests themselves to the "waali" but that is being debated).

Pictures

Photographs and tagging friends has long been Facebook's unique features, and this was tweaked slightly for the Muslim users of Facebook. An app titled "Muttawafy" automatically scans and ensures that pictures conform to strict guidelines followed by Muslim women.



As an aside, for some reason this feature, while it was introduced a while back with default setting "on", was found to be disabled by most desi men.

The iPhone Disease

If you are like me, you probably have a lot of friends (usually of the female variety) who are hooked on to their iPhones, swear by it and at every possible moment try to impress upon you as to how urgently you require an iPhone.

Now I can still have my (very) old phone, and an even older plan, as a result of which I would not pay Robbers Rogers a huge hefty monthly bill in data plans, and can concentrate on paying down my even heftier student loan first. However, this post is not about the telecommunications industry in Canada nor a discussion on where the idea of not being online all the time was viewed as common sense, but of a particular and a very contagious disease.

The iPhone disease.

This disease (it can be classified as a mental illness) manifests itself in many ways. Following are some symptoms.

I Have an App For That

Every normal conversation with an iPhone holder is interrupted with this favourite phrase of theirs. For example,

You: "I want to see how Ironman 2 is."

iPhone User: "Oh wait, I can tell you. I have an App for that. It's called Movie Review For Dummies iMovie."

[5 minutes of caressing the iPhone later]

iPhone User: "it has 3.5 stars ..."

You: "Hmm. I have some time to kill. I wonder where it's playing."

iPhone User: "Oh wait, I can tell you. I have an App for that. It's called Theatre For Dummies iTheatre."

[5 more minutes of caressing the iPhone later]

iPhone User: "it's playing in X, Y and Z. Do you want to book tickets? Coz... I have an App for that as well."

Touching the iPhone

Every iPhone user has to touch the iPhone every 5 minutes or less. It's a built in withdrawal symptom. Try it - talk to an iPhone user for 5 minutes and see if they don't whip out the monstrous brick every 5 minutes or less. You may be having a perfect conversation with them but they will still take it out, check something on it and then remark to you, "Oh isn't that funny? Look what Mike posted!"

Do I care what Mike posted? I was talking to you!

If it's not checking their email, or boasting about an app (see above), it's tweeting. Again, you will be having dinner, and the iPhone user will be tweeting:

"having dinner with @so-and-so. #fun!"

Why do you do this? It would be pathetic if not for the other iPhone user tweeting back:

"@iPhoneUser1 you too? Me too! #goodtimes #fun"

It's all an excuse to touch the iPhone.

Comparing Notes

As soon the iPhone user comes into contact with another iPhone user, there is some sort of signal which allows them to ascertain that the other person also belongs to this not-so-exclusive club. They will instantly both whip out their iPhones (see point above) and start comparing notes.

"Oh, what a nice skin."

"Oh, that's a nice screen filter."

"Oh, do you have this app? You must get this app. It tells you how much battery the other apps are using!"

"Oh really, nice! Btw you MUST get this app. It makes snide remarks about anyone not having phone with a data plan!"

"Oh lovely! But you MUST get this latest app. It automatically calculates how much happiness the iPhone is giving you and transfers an equivalent amount of money to Apple immediately."

"SWEET!"

So, if you and your friends have an iPhone, do check that you do not succumb to this deadly disease. It's very curable, I tell you.

- Posted from my iPhone

Ban the Queen!

I think this lady should be banned in Canada. She has nothing to do with the Islamic faith, and she represents a mode of control over female (as well as male) Canadians. She is a political symbol, a relic of the medieval times and a culture that is from a foreign land.

Of course if you read my satire closely you will see I am almost using the exact words Tarek Fatah uses in his National Post article, as well as the Muslim Canadian Congress in their press statement.

Recently there's a big hullabaloo in Toronto because not only did some Shiekh in Azhar University call for banning the niqab, the Muslim Canadian Congress, Tarek Fatah's former organization, called on the Canadian government to ban the niqab in Canada, saying it's not part of Islam.

Now the media is playing it up but they should do their homework. Hardly any Muslim in Canada listens to Tarek Fatah or his MCC. No one cares about them. On every position their views are so out of whack with the general Muslim populace that they can hardly claim to speak for the average Muslim Canadian.

Second, the idea that potential bank robbers can use the niqab to do a bank robbery and not be identified is present in Fatah's article. To date, there's ONE such robbery (and it was a man!). On the other hand, countless bank robberies have been performed in shirts and pants. They cover a part of a person's identity too! Let's ban shirts and pants.

While we are at it, no one should enter a bank wearing a sun glass. It hides your eyes. Also, in the winter, you cannot wear a scarf around your neck or a monkey cap, even if it is -40 outside. You MAY rob a bank, I don't know. I also find the idea of cycle helmets, especially motorcycle helmets, offensive. I can't see your eyes if you are riding a motorbike on the road! How can I make an eye contact, as referred to in my G1 manual? A motorcycle helmet is preventing me from following the law, as well as concealing your identity, so let's ban that as well.

Finally, when I go skiing, I don't want anyone to wear a ski mask, ski helmet and ski goggles. I can't see who you are when you are skiing. What if you bump into me, how do I recognize you? There's a bank at the ski resort, what if you rob it?

I think we should ban stupid people.

Robert Langdon visits Canada

Robert Langdon chuckled to himself. Just how much longer could he fool Harvard into thinking a symbologist was a real professor's title? Thank God for good publishers. And Wikipedia.

He surveyed his latest landmark. He was in Toronto, Canada. In front of him was the CN tower. Langdon chuckled. Unknown to most Canadians, the number of letters in "The CN Tower" was 10 - the same as the number of provinces in Canada - truly befitting a national symbol.

It did not escape his attention as well that Alberta and Ontario each had 7 letters, symbolizing the symmetry of political bipolarity of Canada. Whereas Alberta was Conservative, Ontario was Liberal. Many people thought the bipolars of Canada involved Quebec - they were wrong. Quebec had only 6 letters.

Langdon focused his attention on The CN Tower. Not many people knew a sinister fact about the CN tower. It had 6 elevators, each capable of moving at 6 metres/second, while the antennae at its peak was 6 ft. Together, they formed the numbers 666, which, affirmed mankind's desire to speak to God by the opposite of The Good - The Evil - again having 7 letters, same as Ontario, same as "CN Tower".

Langdon was to meet his friend, Moses Abraham, the chief tour operator of the most visited tourist attraction in Canada. And Abraham was late.

Langdon had first met Abraham at a seminar he had given at Harvard on Canada.

"Do you know," Abraham had asked the American audience, "that the USA gets most of its oil not from Saudi Arabia, but Canada?" Langdon had nodded, and added himself, "Yes. All cries about our oil crisis in peril is a tad alarmist as our greatest source of America's oil is a stable country, given that the world's smallest jail is believed to be in Rodney, Ontario, Canada. It is only 24.3 square meters (about 270 square feet)."

Abraham had also nodded, and thus the two had become best friends. And now, he was late.

Suddenly, a small boy tugged at Langdon's jacket. He was young, seemingly one of the many tourists. "I saw a man being kidnapped," He said, obviously breathless from the encounter. He dropped this." He handed Langdon a Blackberry, yet another Canadian invention. Langdon's heart skipped a beat as he recognized it was Abrahams' Blackberry, through the unique telephone number of the Blackberry that was also the Date of Canada's Confederation. 647-107-1867.

Langdon did not question why the boy did not go to one of the 11 policemen always present at the base of the tower. He did not think why a man who would kidnapped would, instead of using his Blackberry to alert 911, instead write a brief SMS that held the code to a puzzle that pointed the way to the enlightenment seeked by half the world at one time in the world.

Langdon was on the case.

Facebook Moon Sighting

It has been an annual debate amongst North American muslims come every Ramadan. Do we follow Local Moon sighting? Or do we follow Global Moon sighting? Or how about the new ... Computerized Moon sighting? Which one is condoned by the Fiqh Council but for some reason not our local mosque (because the imam wants to celebrate Eid on same day as his relatives in Pakistan so everyone in the family can use the same Skype account).

And now, a new revolutionary way to determine the start of Ramadan.

For now, we bring you ...

Facebook moon sighting.

Ramadan starts when two reliable Facebook account holders, belonging to religion "Islam" with gender set to "Male" claim to witness the new moon on Facebook. In place of one "Male" account holders, two witnesses with "Female" gender can be (rarely) substituted.

How to sight the new Facebook moon?

Common Facebook holders do not have enough information to know they have spotted the Facebook moon. Such matters of strict important religious jurisprudence are best left to learned few (preferably gender set to "Male") Facebook account holders, who will then, based on their knowledge and experience set out the new "divine" sighting fatwa (also known as a "poke-wa") that impacts everyone else. Common Facebook holders are requested not to question the decision of these learned few (also called Administrators) as doing so would be tantamount to questioning God - weather conditions be damned.

If you are interested in knowing whether the new Facebook moon has been sighted, please login to www.facebook.com, join the group "Facebook Moon" and click refresh until 3 am at night (although it has been noted a new Facebook moon theoretically cannot rise after 11 pm).

If You Are Reading This ...

Dear C,

By the time you read this, I will have been long gone. I am sorry for doing this, but you have left me no choice. I know it will come as a bit of shock to you, especially because you have been such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch, but I am sorry - I just needed a change. I think you are pretty cool, but I just don't think we are right for each other.

First of all, I am compatible with Cancer and Leo, while you are cool with Capricon and Aquarius. I like long walks on the beach, you like making snowmen. I like action blockbusters, while you like Christmas feel-good movies. As for my favourite sport - do you even know what my favourite sport is?

This is not about you or about me "winning or losing", or about one of us being wrong - it is about two ways of being ... which do not fulfill each other, or go together. Though I had been open to having you visit with the thought that possibly we could 'try' again, after thinking about it a lot, I realize that it is not a good idea. I am very clear that we are not 'right' for each other.

Sincerely,

S.

Note: C = Canada, S = Summer.

Hi, I Would Like To Apologize For

Hi, I am a Muslim.

And today, I would like to apologize for:

[x] Killing a female relative for committing a sin

[x] Punishing a rape victim

[x] Rioting over perceived insults to the Prophet

[x] Blowing up buildings to make a political point

[x] Calling for ban on offensive books, ideas and symbols

[x] Believing that my holy book gives me the right to beat my wife

[x] Clerics treating women and children as 'uncovered meat'

Thank you.

Woman Arrested For Naming Horse After Prophet

Medina News Network (MNN): A young housewife who is charged in Medina with insulting Islam and showing contempt for religious beliefs will be brought to court on Friday, the Shariah court has announced. Aisha bint Abu Bakr was arrested after complaints that she had named her toy horse "Sulaiman".

"It is true." Her husband, Muhammad, is reported to have confessed. "I entered the house and I saw her playing with her dolls and toy horses. When I asked her what game she was playing, she answered 'Sulaiman's horses'."

In her defense statement, Aisha stated that she did not intend to cause offense, and only mentioned that "Sulaiman's horses also had wings" in reply to a query by her husband as to why her toy horses had wings.

Some Islamist groups are also upset at Muhammad's reaction to his wife's 'travesty'.

"Rather than admonishing Aisha, Muhammad laughed until his molar teeth could be seen." A community member commented under anonymity. "His failure to 'correct' his wife is clearly another insult to our Prophet."

Medina's top clerics have called for the full measure of the law to be used against Ms. Aisha and labeled her actions part of a Meccan plot against Islam.

But in Mecca, the Islamic Human Rights Commission was among the many (secret) Muslim groups to call for her immediate release.

Chairman Abbas ibn Muttalib said: "Both the Government of Medina, and the media, must refrain from using Islam and Islamic principles to legitimise this fiasco, which may result in the unjust conviction of an innocent person, and which will only lead to the promotion of Medinaphobia and further demonization of Islam." He also stressed that Islam was the fastest growing religion in Arabia.

In a separate news, charges were filed against Aisha's husband Muhammad himself for insulting the name of the Prophet of Islam, Muhammad (peace be upon him) and hurting religious sentiments of Muslims. During the treaty of Hudaibiyah, Muhammad was reported to have crossed out the words "Muhammad the Prophet of God" and replaced it with "Muhammad son of Abdullah".

In issuing the arrest warrants for Muhammad and Aisha, the lead prosecutor stated: "We are an Islamic nation that cannot tolerate, be silent or be lax when someone, whoever he or she is, insults our Prophet and sanctities."