Monday, January 15, 2007

Desi Marriage FAQ For Dummies

Q: What is an arranged marriage?

A1: Arranged marriage is the process through which a loser like him will get a knockout like her that he will never get in real life.

A2: Arranged marriage is the process through which she will get the BMW of her dreams by marrying the doctor of her nightmares.

Q: How many functions are there in a desi marriage?

A1: It depends on how much your parents love you and how much they are prepared to spend on you. Parents, if you have two kids, decide which one you love more now. The other one is going to elope.

A2: Three functions.

Q: What's the first of the three functions?

A: It's called a holud ceremony, literally the "yellow" ceremony.

Apparently, we have discovered a breakthrough scientific formula.

Brown + Yellow = White.

Q: What is the second ceremony?

A: It is called the akht. This is where the imam decides because a girl is silently crying she is happily agreeing to the marriage, whereas the boy (who should really be the one to be crying) has to soundly pronounce "I do" before the imam will say the magic words "you are now married".

They say marriage completes half of your deen (religion). It is observed that men become more religious after marriage. It is because they realize what they have gotten into and start praying more often.

It is also noted that men become fatter after their wedding. It is due to the fact that when a bachelor comes home, he sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. Whereas the married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Q: What is a walimah or reception?

A: This is the occasion where we invite all the people we don't really like but have to invite anyways (also known as relatives), so that they can stand and gawk at us making corny jokes about our supposed night of passion.

Q: Who is the first person to leave the gathering?

A: It's the imam. We invite him so he can say the obligatory Quran recitation, do some lecture on why marriage is important, eat and then leave, so we can start our gaana bajaana (music). It's usually best to invite Bengali imams. They know very little Quran so they usually recite Surah Asr (only three verses - very short). The translation is even shorter as they don't know Arabic so just talk in general of why the President of America is an evil man.

A guide to checking out the bride:

Yes, we all know why you are really in the line to take a picture with your 'friend' and your new bhabi - you really want to see how lucky the bast*** got. So this is how you do it.

1. Keep your gaze down.

Be like a good modest desi and lower your gaze. That way, when the time comes, you can look up. Slowly. And check her out completely from bottom to top. If you start at the top, once she starts saying "Hi" you are stuck, you gotta look at her face and make small talk.

2. Don't let out a whistle.

Very important.

How to check out the groom:

Just gaze at any standard guy in a tux and a tie. They all look the same.

44 comments:

Suroor said...

Hilarity personified! I thoroughly enjoyed it. Unfortunately I can't express how much I liked it and will end up sounding like a broken record. YOU ARE VERY FUNNY!

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isheeta said...

I am in shits and giggles!

So, Mezba, how close are you to completing your deen?! And I mean the Bengali way.

Maliha said...

Salamaat,
aww that's not fair...marriage aint that bad :)

I love it though, thanks for the early morning smiles :) (brown + yellow= white...hilarious!)

working said...

Haha! That was funny.

Zehra said...

"This is where the imam decides because a girl is silently crying she is happily agreeing to the marriage..." this is the funniest definition of marriage i have ever come across....thank you for the laughs! i certainly will be thinking about it when the imam conducts my nikaah this year. LOL!

The Bengali Fob said...

i noticed something. You are describing all Bengali men as nothing, but ordinary, but the women as...........!

Oh and yes, I want to know the same thing as Isheeta. I think all of us (your loyal readers) would love to know so that we can all crash your wedding!

The Bengali Fob said...

i noticed something. You are describing all Bengali men as nothing, but ordinary, but the women as...........!

Oh and yes, I want to know the same thing as Isheeta. I think all of us (your loyal readers) would love to know so that we can all crash your wedding!

The Bengali Fob said...

One more thing. That picture is starting to scare me! I wonder what that lady would think seeing her wedding photo being used like this... Poor woman.

mezba said...

Suroor: thanx sister. You will never be a broken record to me.

srkthebest11: I like your nick! But why 11? I will take a peek at yours.

Isheeta: lol status hasn't changed since the last time I met you!

Maliha: Thanx! You are the girl! For girls marriage is a GOOD thing. They are finally FREE from obeying the laws of the father's house and setting their own rules! lol I see lot of brickbats coming my way.

mezba said...

Working: Thanx. And Welcome.

Zehra: Will you be laughing when the Imam asks you "kabul hain?" lol I think the hadith followers will get a little confused here. Silence is considered yes, saying "yes" is considered yes, but laughter?

Bfob: Since I know who you are now (hehe) you will be among the first to be invited when I become more religious (i.e. complete my deen i.e. get ...). But, as you said the other day to Nowal, no compulsiveness yet :-)

mezba said...

And oh Bfob, all Bengali guys are the same dime a dozen. I am different. And better.

I thought that was clear. ;-) {lolz}

ruby said...

Mezba you're awesome...that was the funniest thing EVER...and so true! hee hee..
I have to stop reading your blog at work, me laughing at a computer totally gives away the fact that I am not working!

Anonymous said...

"that when a bachelor comes home, he sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. Whereas the married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge"


toooooo gooddd....that last part threw me off the chair....oh man...you are simply the best man! i just pray thats not gonna be the case with you runnig to the fridge first ;)

khonika said...

Mezba ... were the contents of this post based on experience(s)?

isheeta said...

I'm pimping you up, Mez, for Bfob:

He IS different, he IS better, and he IS smarter, and oh he pays well for da pimpin. :D

KIDDING!!! he's a good guy. Changes your mind about bengali dudes, not that I know much about them, sorry. Anyways, bored at school, but now got to run!

mezba said...

Ruby: thanx. Please continue to work hard(ly).

Sf: To tell you the truth that particular phrase wasn't original, I heard it somewhere before. But I thought I could work it into this piece.

Khonika: Not yet :-)

M&M said...

LOL hilarious. n its so true too:) keep it up. ur posts make my day.

Anonymous said...

:)

Asmaa said...

Hmm I didn't actually find that all too funny. It's all fine and dandy to poke fun at the institution of arranged marriages, but this just borders on being overkill man. The joke is dead.

mezba said...

Isheeta, thank you. And may I take the opportunity here to tell everyone that not only is Isheeta a beautiful woman, she is also SMART. And talented. Think about it.

PS. Ish, you know my account number ;-)

M&M: Thank you. It was all actually rather on-the-spur kind of thing. No edits, no revises.

Anon: :-))

Asmaa: Well, what can I say. I am not making fun of arranged marriage (not to say that process is terribly flawed, outdated and full of cliche contradictions). This post is more about our desi marriage ceremony as a whole.

You just had to be there!

Anonymous said...

Hey,I think you got another anon. person mixed up!LOL
You know where we come from,it's usual segregated,ie males/females don't sit together. I remember when I was still single,if it was a friend's wedding(which I rarely went)we would just wait just to see who/how the groom looked liked and we made fun of him! Sigh.... those were the days!!! :) sf

'liya said...

"It is also noted that men become fatter after their wedding. It is due to the fact that when a bachelor comes home, he sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. Whereas the married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge." - Too hilarious!!!!!! LOL

I feel stupid for asking, but I didn't get the "brown + yellow = white part" - can you explain?

Farah said...

3rd time putting this comment... stupid blogger sucks, move to wordpress already

Loved it loved it loved it loved it.

I was in splits the whole time. Ya I heard the bachelor/fridge thing before but you put it well.. hahaha..
especially desi uncles... bengali men don't need to tie their lungi their gut is enough!

ps. mezba you are on
Indiafm!

What did you do? maybe they will take movie ideas from you then

mezba said...

sf: lol anon is my most frequent commentator! Wow.. so that's what those girls were doing at one of my friend's wedding, making fun of him! When i get married I will be sure to be on the lookout for giggling girlfriends.

liya: we Bengalis have this ceremony called holud. I have seen some Indian/Pakistanis have it too (called it haldi ceremony). Holud means yellow in Bengali.

The ceremony consists of different people taking a bit of a yellow paste (called holud) and rubbing it across your face and feeding you little gulab jamuns and other sweets. Yes, it is exactly as tiresome as it sounds.

The idea of this yellow paste is that when applied will make your skin whiter. Although now everyone does it just because it's tradition, that's the original intent. Coz, after all, we all are supposed to want to be white.

Farah: Yes, I did get three emails from blogger with the same comment :-)

I am glad you enjoyed it.

About Indiafm .. yes.. I saw it.. knowing bollywood's pentant for stealing ideas (look here ) I don't know if I should be glad or not.

Maleeha said...

oh geez, this was too true. its funny because its true.

Saqi Namah said...

Earlier I suggested that CaptainChaos should write a book about desi marriages. Now I think you should write a companion book to his book.

ABCDlaw said...

Great explanation about desi weddings, but you forgot the most fun part of the desi wedding celebration-the MEHNDI! It's my favorite part of the whole thing, because it has all the classic elements:
1)Guys all dressed alike to resemble back-up dancers, Check.
2)A "friendly" competition between the bride and groom's friends/cousins about whose side is the best aka loudest singers. Check, and remember to bring ear plugs.
3)Choreographed dances.
4)Bride's sisters begging the groom for money. I think this is the first glimpse into the rest of his life. Welcome to Matrimony. Now don't be a cheap skate all 30 of the bride's cousins have to go out for ice cream on the money you give so PAY UP!

Also I think if any desi has a large amount of non-desi friends attending their wedding, they need to send out a pamphlet(actually it'll probably end up being the size of an epic novel) about the basics of a desi wedding. Mezba, you've done an excellant FAQ, and IA one day I hope you will be printing it out and sending it to all your non-desi friends along with the wedding invitations:)

PS Can I put you on my blogroll? Thanks

Haleem said...

lol... after Isheeta and Samosa teamed up, maybe there should be a guy team up as well

mezba said...

Maleeha: thanx, I wrote it as a kind of cheerful satire and it's great people like it.

Saqi: thanx - see response to Haleem below.

Abcdlaw:lol. I forgot about the mehndi. Actually Bengalis don't have a mehndi it's sort of rolled into the Holud, so I wouldn't exactly know what happens but it sure sounds like fun.

Nowadays white people watch so many bollywood movies anyways (my white friends all watched Bend It Like Beckham, Monsoon Wedding) that they know better than we do! lol

Haleem - I leave all arranged marriage posts to you bro! One of us alone should be able to do the job of two girls.. after all isn't the witness (or in today's term blog post) of one man equal to two women? lol we should be able to take on IshyMosa...NOT!

Those girls rule.

NAB and I were just discussing the other day that women bloggers are more serious in their blogs. It took one simultaneous day for ALL our female blog friends to prove that theory wrong.

mezba said...

ABCDLaw, about the blog roll.. sure.. honored.

Aisha said...

Mezba. 30 comments!!!! wow! I did an arranged marriage 101 but this is much more entertainng and informative at the same time. kudos :)

arafat said...

Dude. This has me nearly rolling on the floor with laughter (at work!!). Imma share with friends...

NAB said...

I am no. 33 Mezbollah.

Btw, the friend of yours who made the comment in your KANK article on Indiafm that he'd place a GPS on his wife's body...well, as long as he plants it with his own two hands, I doubt she'd mind one bit. *wink*

mezba said...

Aisha: thank you. I love my commentators.

Arafat: dude! work hard! lol you wont get a girl with no job.. haha.. desi girls know what pays the bills hyuk hyuk

Nowal: NOWAL!!!!

Oh my.

my my my...

Now where exactly do you place this GPS thing? And how should one be placed? As a doctor you can of course recommend some safe procedures to do so ....

Abu Sinan said...

All of this obsession with looking white. I dont get it. I love DARK women.

At least before I got married, that is! LOL

sonia said...

heh heh very amusing Mezba. oh and also - the reason the man gets so fat is the mother-in-law must force feed him.!

i just got back from dhaka and my poor husband has been so overfed..

mezba said...

Abu Sinan: But you are not DESI... our "standards" are gorafic.

Sonia: lol, but when you go to Bangladesh EVERYONE feeds you. People actually get offended if you don't clean out the table. I mean if it was me I would be like oh goodie leftovers!

koonj said...

Man, you're good! This was seriously good stuff.

"Arranged marriage is the process through which a loser like him will get a knockout like her that he will never get in real life."

I can't count the number of weddings where I've wondered exactly that. As for "love marriage," that's where the groom's family is whispering about how "she trapped him" and he could have done so much better.

mezba said...

koonj, arranged marriage is dilli ka ladoo. Ah well...

Sadiq M. Alam said...

gosh!

mezba said...

Sadiq, nice to see you here. Followed from my knighthood post, no doubt?

Mr. Evil said...

Absolutely Hilarious :D

Em said...

Salaam.
Hilarious post! Classic Mezba....

I read between the lines though, hehe... despite the "loser like him will get a knockout like her" and "take a picture with your 'friend' and your new bhabi - you really want to see how lucky the bast*** got" and "check her out completely from bottom to top", when the "married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge".... so that's the truth about beautiful woman, eh??? I kid, I kid...