Minebuster @ Wonderland

Along with some cousins and friends, went up the Minebuster ride on Canada's Wonderland with a handheld camera. After waiting what seemed like eons, we sat in the front seat.

Ride Operator [a 18-something girl]: You are not allowed to operate a camera like that on the ride.

Cousin [ever the flirt]: Why don't you take her video? She has a beautiful smile.

I turned the video camera to her. She did'nt notice that I was NOT recording yet. She gave the most dazzling smile and said "Ok but if you lose it, it's your fault."

Since it was my cousin's camera I just nodded ok. We went up.



The camera stored the movie into two parts. I wanted to upload part 2, which contained reactions of the various people on the ride as I turned the camera back to them, but I don't think the females in our group would be too pleased to see their 'ooooh', 'aaaah' and 'holy f*** that was awesome' broadcast all over the net. So if anyone can recommend an easy movie editor for 'asf' movies email me so I can edit out some parts and the ride can be seen to its conclusion.

Oh, the clouds decided to block the sun just as we went up. Aaagh!

Tags: Wonderland Minebuster

Lameass Conversations of The Week

At a social:

Aunty: So, when are you getting married?

Me [with perfect straight face]: "October 7^th. It should say on the card... oh!" Then pretended as if I suddenly remembered why we had not sent her a card, and slowly backed away. The mortified aunty took ten minutes to clarify from mother that I was a pathological liar.

Chatting with a friend's wife:

Me: So are you guys going for the new SRK movie, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna?

Her: Yes, but I am so conflicted, it has Rani Mukherjee in it. I hate Rani.

Me: Why?

Her: Well, she kept SRK away from Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Me: You are so gay.

At the park:

I go to the tennis courts near my house. A sole Pakistani dude, slightly older looking, was practicing his serves there and soon we are engaged in a friendly match. After sometime, I decide to take a break.

I am sitting on a bench, catching my breath. A white woman comes near the bench with a stroller. The baby is one of the most beautiful, most cute, babies I have seen. I tell her so.

"Thanks," she replies, sitting down on the bench, taking out the baby and placing it on her lap. My opponent comes to fetch me for the next game.

While I am talking to her, she starts to breastfeed her little toddler - just as I am in the middle of a sentence, and the other player is just about to tell me to get back to the court. He ofcourse, without solicitation from my part, begins to tell me (in Urdu) why women who breastfeed in public should go to hell.

'dekh kitna besharmi se yeh ...blah blah blah' [all the while looking, ofcourse]

After debating whether I should tell him to clam up, or quote the law that says what she is doing is legal, or just point out that we are in Canada and it's no business of ours, I just get up and tell the lady, 'Nice to have met you, better get back to my game now'.

Without missing a beat the woman replies, in chaste Urdu: 'Aapse milker khushi huiyee. Allah Hafez'. (nice to have met you, God bless).

Regardless to say, the depth to which my tennis friend's jaw fell was a sight to behold.

Tags: Toronto Desi

Of "Islamic" Bikinis And World Peace ...

She is Miss Australia.

She is of Lebanese-Indian descent.

She is a contestant for Miss World in September.

She is Muslim.

As usual, certain people decided to protest that a Muslim should not participate in these 'degrading competitions' [link now broken], while others have held her as an example for all Muslim women to emulate (really!).

The Sydney Morning Herald wrote " ... 20-year-old Miss Houssami's achievement of becoming Australia's first contestant of Islamic and mixed cultural background - her mother is Indian and her father Lebanese."

Miss Houssami also hopes to dispel myths about Islam by competing. "Religion is something that is interpreted by the individual and I try to focus on the moral values of religion," she said. "I will wear a bikini but not a string bikini, so as long as it is not skimpy."

OK, now I have heard everything. Wearing bikini is OK but string bikini not OK because you are Muslim. Second by participating in the competition she single-handedly will dispel myths about Islam. I have heard of Miss World bringing world peace but this is quite something else.

Sabrina Houssami is free to parade in front of millions in a skimpy bra for all I care. Just leave the whole religion thing out of it.

PS. BTW here is Miss Canada.

Tags: Sabrina Houssami Miss World

Divine Help For Gym?

Do I have Divine Support with my new latest work out regime?

First, I get myself banned (I think) from my favourite lunch place. Well I went there for lunch and they made me wait for over 40 minutes. Like all I ordered was fried bass and tofu on rice with mixed veggies - so simple. So I walked out. Given that this is the same place I go to once a week (when I don't bring lunch leftovers from home) for the last five years, I could have been a bit more considerate. The deed's done now, and I am not going back there. Atleast for a year anyways. The Chinese have long memories.

Second, I just discovered that one of the benefits to having a mayor who is a socialist is that he believes constructing sports complexes (such as basketball courts) will keep certain kids out of trouble. So they made a huge sports complex near my place.

And no one seems to know anything about it.

There are three tennis courts. One ice hockey rink. One badminton court. All are usually empty when I go there with my neighbours. PERFECT.

Third, summer weekends would usually find me fishing rather than going to the gym. However I managed to damage my rod (that's fishing rod) rather badly last time. The reel is in a knot. It would take over 3 hours to fix that. I would rather spend a couple of hours on the treadmill rather than untying knots and screws. My dad won't fix the rod for me as he wants me to 'take my own responsibility'. I cannot bully my younger siblings ... as they are not that young anymore. So off to the gym on Saturday rather than Rice Lake.

Then again, a new bakery did open right on our street ... [project john abraham cancelled]

Who's Fooling Who

I am at this fantastic wedding of a friend. It's the most gorgeous wedding I have EVER attended. Honestly, they must have spent $15K (atleast). Chicken tikka was an appetizer, and there were fireworks at the reception of the bride - literally. Some big ministers were there. They had dance troupes from some South Asian fest, who danced Indian moves to Bengali music remixed with English - but I digress.

At one point, an aunty pulls me aside.

"See that girl?" She points out at some of the numerous girls.

I try to squint. You see, all your life in the middle east you are taught don't look at girls (or 'you will be in jail') and suddenly you come here and finish school and it's all people ask you to do ... looook at this girl, will you! So I look.

"Yes. Which one?"

"That one." She points to this girl who is not only fair-skinned, but has blue eyes, dark long hair, dressed fabulously in a gold embroidered sari - but I digress.

"How would she go with your friend A?" Aunty asks.

"Ah," Now it becomes clear. Aunty is bride-hunting for her poker-playing son who is too busy (probably hitting some bar downtown) to take in this sumptuous wedding. Aunty continues, "she is from a decent family [already researched], is fair [but ofcourse], looks shy and decent [she did] and it seems to me is very traditional and family minded. Shongsharik. Just perfect for my son."

Now let me paint a portrait of her son. His parents think he is Raj from DDLJ. Devoted to parents, moderately religious, has no bad habits etc. Meanwhile, the guy once told me if I spend Saturday night not at a bar hitting some chicks I was wasting my life.

So I agreed with aunty's assessment. The girl was indeed traditional looking, shy, demure, submissive etc. Then I went back to my table. And took out my cellphone.

A few days back, a friend K had sent me a picture of him and his girl friend at an event. He in t-shirt, shorts and his new Rayban; his girl friend in a low cut top and tight jeans. I took that picture out. They made a nice couple. Then I looked at the girl.

Yup, same girl. What's more in fact, I knew of the girl. Demure, traditional and shy, my foot. This aunty is going to be in for a shock. Then again, she was probably perfect for her son.

Tags: Desi Arranged Marriage

Why Guys May Think (Twice) Before Getting Married

I attended a friend's Gaye Holud ceremony recently, which is a type of Mehndi-type Bengali ceremony. It goes something like this. You sit the bride and groom (nowadays it's just one ceremony together), grab the largest sweets (I have a fascination with gulab jamuns) you see and stuff them into the guy's mouth. Then you grab this yellow powder thing (called Holud) and rub it on the bride's face. It's supposed to make her fairer.

Anyways, I was at the event, taking in the delightful madness of it all, the friends of the bride showing some slick dance moves (and I mean slick) when I started to notice things. As a blogger, sometimes you notice something and go 'oh that would be so blog-post-worthy and file it away under your things-to-blog category'. I don't know if you have ever done that; I have.

So here's what I notice. Uncles who have a reputation as a tough dude meekly holding their wife's purses while the aunties dab their noses with fake brand name makeup. Uncles timidly following their wives who weave through the crowd to greet various people, even though they would rather be sitting in the corner discussing Harper's latest mishap with other uncles.

Few men, though not as bad as the walkman-carrying-Chinese dude, were similarly emasculated. Now I have been told that this is not 'sissy behaviour' at all - it's nice and sweet and thoughtful and romantic. Interestingly these comments are from girls. I guess I have not yet met that person for whom I can stand in the rain holding a purse, so until then I would not understand this behaviour.

However, as I reflected on this, I remembered Nowal's post To be married or not to be...?. I have made some interesting (and extremely sexist) comments there, which I can now elaborate (all in the name of humour, ofcourse).

Why Guys May Think (Twice) Before Getting Married

No more impromptu poker night. Yes, T called after work suggesting it, but wifey called immediately ordering you to bring milk.

When going anywhere with your wife, add 2 hrs to the itinery. She takes 1 hr to get ready. Then you gotta drive 10 km below the speed limit, which is probably 40 km less than your normal driving speed. Finally, just before you pull into your destination, wife wants you to pause while she checks her make-up again.

Before you reach your destination, you have to stop and ask for directions (which you hate) because wife didn't copy them properly in the first place.

While your wife may want you to be fiscally smart, try the following explanation with her.

"Honey I spent $30 on the fishing license. There's 10 summer weekends I can go fishing, so every weekend I am not fishing I am losing $3. Do you want me to lose money? Um... Honey? Where are you going?"

No more msn ... or yahoo ... because wife will be staring over your shoulder every time you want to talk to barbie_007_4_u

[submitted by my friend who saw me making this list]my reason not to marry ... so that I can fart comfortably in my sleep

Your wife may not like the above friend coz he's like Duprey. Then he crashes over. And you got a problem.

In conclusion, life is unfair.

Tags: Desi Marriage

Homework

Homework, as far as I can remember, was a chore. During my formative years, I first attended a school started by expatriates in the middle east. The teachers were mostly housewives who may know something about the subject they were assigned to teach. Homework was a great way to cover up the fact that they didn't teach the assigned material in the class - rather we got it as 'homework' or 'self-study'. So they gave us lots of homework. Ironically, the good teachers felt so enthusiastic about their subjects that they felt we should spend more time on that, so they too gave us lots of homework. Given that 100% of the teachers were either very good or very bad, we were doomed.

As soon as the Maghreb azaan was heard, it was 'down to the study table you go'. Dip your fountain pain into this Pelican inkpot and start on page 5 of English For Today.

One mathematics teacher we had in Grade 5 was the ledgendary Mr A. For his class, we had two notebooks, called c/w (Classwork) and h/w (Homework). Every chapter in our book had 20 easy questions, and 40 hard ones. He would do 10 of the easy questions on the board. Then have the smartest guy in class do the next 10. The remaining 40 hard ones would be 'homework'.

He was directly responsible for the detriment of my handwriting, improvement of my speedwriting and numerical association skills. Since his class was just after the break (called tiffin) we would spend the break happily skipping lunch while finishingcopying our homework from T (the smartest guy in the class). Overtime, the copying would represent a work of art in progress. A would copy from B, changing the statements slightly. C would then copy from B, changing the changed statements slightly. By the time Z copied from Y who had copied from X, the final copied answer differed so greatly from A that it was its own answer. Such, um, teamwork were later proved to be lifesaving during university days.

A: Let x be the number of apples in the cart.
B: Let y be the number of apples in the cart.
C: m is the number of apples in the cart.
D: n is the # of Apples.
E: a = # apples.
F: a = apples in cart (no.)
...
...
Z: refer to qn 1 where # of apples in cart is unknown, let this value be x.

Ah, school. Why the sudden nostalgia, you ask.

I was at my friend's place, and just overheard his 12-year-old brother talk to his classmate on the phone.

"Yo, Haseeb, you got the answers to no. 6? Good, come online and I will get them from you on MSN."

Kids nowadays.

Tags: Toronto Homework

Hanging Lecture Halls

Recently I had the chance to visit one of the new construction projects at the University of Toronto for work. They had a new building, the Leslie Dan Pharmacy building that had an interesting concept - lecture halls 'suspended' from inside the building's atrium.


The 'hanging' lecture halls.


Entrance to one such 'hall'.


Inside a lecture hall.


The upper deck of the 'hall'.


Do you know why there are raised grooves here? It's to prevent skateboarders from plying their trade on the name stone.


The nearby students' office, with the roof's dome retouched for the World Cup.

Tags: Toronto

Bengali Woman Power

Maybe those uncles who praise girls back home are on to something after all.

Brave wife 'fends off' big tiger

Wow.

Tags: Bangladesh

The Man On The Subway

Heading home on the subway around 10 pm last night, lost in depressed thoughts of my adopted team (France) losing after playing some attractive football, and my favourite player Zidane deciding to use his head - literally - I noticed a Chinese couple sitting on the seats opposite me. As multitudes of Italian fans in various states of drunkenness came on board, I observed the Chinese couple. There was something strange, what was it?

Then I noticed it.

Headphones plugged the girl's ears, as she closed her eyes and swayed to the music. The headphone cables ran from her ear, onto a black ipod - which was in the guy's hands.

Yes, while the girl sat and listened to her music, hands crossed across her lap, her boyfriend/husband dutifully held the mp3 player aloft for her. At one point, the girl opened her eyes and mouthed something in Chinese to her man. He obediently pressed a button to skip ahead to the next song.

Now Zidane, when someone allegedly insulted his mom, did the manly thing and, um, headbutted the guy. Would have been better had he paused and scored a winning goal, but now people can get the Zidane/head puns rolling (I can't think of any from the top of my head but ... ). This Chinese dude, man, you are a kalank to men everywhere. ;-)

Tags: Toronto TTC Men Relations

Take My Car, Please

An inattentive driver recently clipped my mirror while cutting in front of me recklessly, resulting in a needless hassle of going through insurance to get that fixed. It was due to this reason that I found myself on Tuesday morning talking to a car rental agency.

"Yes," the polite agent confirmed my insurance has paid for my rental. "Which car would you like, sir? I can get you another Altima, that's what you drive."

"Oh no." I rejected the proposal. "I am in the mood to try something else for a while."

After refusing a Ford Taurus and a Pontiac G6 I finally settled for the Impala. It was a newly redesigned car, I had heard some good stuff about it, and wanted to test it.

"Don't we all," A friend who overheard the conversation butted in.

"Huh?"

"Well, trying something new." He replied. "We all need to do that sometimes. I wish I could say that about my marriage. Haha."

Living in Canada, one thing that I still find myself getting used to is the casual way some men joke about their wife's infidelity. Their wives aren't really unfaithful, the men just joke about it.

For example, another acquaintance one remarked how tall his kids were.

"It's good 'coz I'm not that tall." He reflected. "Maybe the postman was. Haha."

Or, once another friend got flowers from his wife sent to his workplace on his birthday: "My wife sent me flowers. Knowing my wife she probably got a discount because she ordered in bulk. Haha."

Again, followed by laughter from the general audience, and a very bemused moi. This is ofcourse so wrong according to our cultural point of view, but then again, so is talking in the washroom and they do it all the time too.

As for now, I am enjoying my new ride, but can't wait for my car to get back from the shop. Somethings I like to go steady with.

World Cup

Well, I really got close with these predictions. I have decided I am NOT going to make any Final predictions.

So far, I always had ONE wrong prediction, while over 50% of the predictions were correct. Well, now, there is only ONE match left, and I don't want to jinx it either way. Yes, the World Cup final result DOES depend on this blog and what I post in it.

Tags: Car Wife FIFA World Cup

World Cup Predictions - 4

So England lost. My predictions about an English victory was a bit hopeful, but I felt England played very well yesterday. I have no complaints about the referee, but Portugal is a very tricky team. They riled up the Dutch (another good team) by making them lose their composure, plus they dove and pretended to be fouled, and yesterday they did this to the English hotheaded forward Rooney. As an English supporter I have no complaints about the red card, but do I hate Cristiano Ronaldo. Girls ofcourse like him. I think he looks gay, though not as gay as Sorin of Argentina.

However, the fact that Brazil lost almost (almost!) made up for England losing out (pre-emptive apologies to Aisha, Bengali Fob for the gloating to follow). Even an England supporter like me will agree that England is over-hyped and may lack a certain quality to make it a truly top side. I did not see them going past semis. Brazilian fans harbour no such confessions however. In their mind:

1. Brazil is the best team. No one plays more attractive soccer than Brazil.
   
2. Brazil never engages in dirty tactics like clutching shirts, diving or crying.
   
3. Brazil's stars are the most artistic (such as Ronaldinho).
   
4. All they need to do is turn up. The rest of us should just hand them the trophy and go home.
   
5. Brazil deserves an automatic berth at the final.
   
6. Football loses its lustre if Brazil is not in the game.

Well, yesterday I was happy (read ecstatic) that ALL OF THE ABOVE were proved wrong. There was only one team in the match and it was France. There was only one team playing attractive, attacking football and it was France. There was only one artist on the pitch and it was Zidane of France. I felt like the Arabic commentator and wanted to yell "Zidane! Zidane! ZIDAAAAAANE!"

I wonder who 99% of Bangladesh is going to support, now that Argentina and Brazil is out of the cup.

Having gotten that gloating out of my system, the semi finals are now too close to call.

Germany vs. Italy
This German side lacks a certain quality. The team is playing well, boosted by home support and is the most prolific team left in terms of goal scoring. However, Italy has only allowed one goal in (that too an own goal). Their defence is much more organized (and better) than the Germans and they are a truly punch and counter-punch team.

The key I feel will be the German defence. If they can avoid getting rattled, stay organized even when Klose and Co. go forward, and prevent Italy in the final third, Germany will win the game. The advantage for Germany are obviously the home support, German efficiency and organization, as well as their attacking flair. If you are attacking (Germany) and the other team defending (Italy) you are more likely to score a goal if you defence can nullify counter attacks.
Winner: Germany (perhaps penalties).

France vs. Portugal
Boy, no one saw this semi final! And are these teams evenly matched. Portugal has a coach who has never lost a World Cup match in charge, their players are all in form and good on attack (and Deco is back) while France as a team are in the form of their life. I have said before that if France plays like they played against Spain, they will beat Brazil. The question is whether they can sustain it for a third match, as the pace is no doubt tiring.

I feel the French do not have to play in such an attacking manner anymore. Portugal struggles to break down a good defence. They could not get past a tight Greek defence in the Euro 2004 final. They struggled against Iran for the first half until the Persians slacked off. They could not get past a ten-man England. Therefore the French will have to shut down the flanks, concentrate on not giving up the ball (unlike England) and play a much more possessive game than usual. Can they do it? Yes.
Winner: France.

Tags: FIFA World Cup

Superman Returns Sucks

Superman Returns Sucks.

If you are a girl you might like the movie. If I want to see a 3 hour borefest where the hero can punch up 10 people at the same time while having love troubles with his girl friend who is engaged to some else and have issues with his father at the same time, I would rather watch a Bollywood movie.

The movie is named 'Superman Returns'. It should have been renamed 'The Man Who Spies On Lois Lane And Imagines Her Naked With His X-Ray Vision Returns'. The story is littered with logical flaws. The cape is not red - it is purple. The blue is not the sky blue we grew up with, it's dark indigo. I could go on and on.

The reason I said girls might like it is because the whole frigging movie has only ONE action scene. The plane one. That's it. The rest are crap. It's more about *guys make a face here* love and feeeeeelings.

Do I (A Superman) Love Lois Lane?
Does She Love Me (remember: I am Superman)?
Why The Hell Does Lois Lane Have a 1930s Hairstyle in 2006?

Oh, and if you want a Pulitzer Prize, appararently all you have to do is trash your boyfriend in your local newspaper after a bad breakup.

Anyways, I am done ranting. I know people will watch the movie regardless, but if you want to save yourself some grief and a few hours of expensive sleeping, go watch Krrish instead.

Tags: Superman Returns

World Cup Predictions - 3

So, 5 teams from my original picks for the quarter-finals made it through. I must say Fayyad was right when he said experience matters. In Holland's case they were a young an inexperienced team to Portugal's Golden Generation, and it showed. The Portuguese were successful in ragging the Dutch and making them lose their composure.

France! France! From my childhood I remember Arabic football commentary where they would go "GOOOOOOOAAAAAL" and repeat it ten times - when the player went near the net (forget scoring the goal) - followed by 'Halwa! Halwa! Halwa!'. Except when France played, they would scream Zidane instead of 'GOAL'. Well yesterday, the French showed the value of experience and history. Spain has never defeated France at a competitive match and it showed. This is why when you have a close cricket ODI game between Australia and England, bet on Australia. When you have penalty kicks between Germany and England, bet on Germany. When you have a close cricket game between South Africa and Australia, DON'T bet on South Africa. History, experience matters. They will show a trend and the same team winning.

So, without any further ado, here are my quarter final predictions.

Germany vs. Argentina
Both have scored lots of goals, but Germany scored them against various teams while Argentina mostly against one. Germany has no wonder goals while Argentina a half a dozen. German defence is organized but weak while Argentina attack is strong. Germany is playing at home and looks better with each outing. Argentina looks jaded. The Mexican game was destined for penalty kicks until the miracle strike. At the end, German's home support and Klose will get them through.
Winner: Germany.

Italy vs. Ukraine
Italy has looked in form. Italy outplayed Australia being a man down. The so-called 'stubborn' Ukraine defence leaked 4 goals against Spain. Italy to take this low scoring snoozefest of a game. Ideally I would like to see both teams lose.
Winner: Italy.

England vs. Portugal
England has continued to play in an ugly but effective manner. Portugal will be muted slightly with the loss of Deco but they will take the challenge to England. However Beckham looks inspired and could be the difference.
Winner: England. *touch wood*

Brazil vs. France
I am going to go out on a limb here and predict a French victory. If they play anywhere close to how they played yesterday against Spain, Brazil is toast. They looked highly unimpressive against Ghana. One goal could have been offside, and had Ghana shown some ruthless finishing, we could have had a game.

And please, that 25-pass move that all Brazil fans are claiming outshone Argentina's 24-pass goal against Serbia? Pmffh! Argentina weaved their way through the Serbian defence in their opponent's half and scored while the game was still in balance. Brazil scored while the game was dead, they passed in their own half before using a lucky long ball.
Winner: France.

Tags: FIFA World Cup

The Italian Job

We were in a sports bar near work, during lunch hour, catching the Italy-Australia game. It was packed with supporters, mostly Italian, with a few Australian drinkers in between. I had an Inter-milan shirt on too. Even though I was supporting Italy, I also wanted to see goals, and even cheered whenever the 'Roos got a touch on the ball. Must have presented a confused sight to the other fans.

Suddenly, while it was still in the middle of the first half and the Azzuri owned the 'Roos, a man walked into the bar. This is not a joke. He was white, tall, extremely weird looking (like one of those Psycho movies), glasses, thin hair and sweating profusely (it was a cold day). He had a briefcase with him. He panted, walked up to an empty chair, placed the briefcase on the chair, and exited the bar without speaking a single word.

We all looked at one another in amazement. Then at the door where the man had just left. Slowly, everyone's attention drifted away from the screen and turned to the lone briefcase lying on the chair, unattended. Was it our imagination or was there a ticking sound from the briefcase. We all started to move uneasily. From somewhere a voice came out, "Um... call the cops?"

Suddenly, after what seemed like an eternity but was probably five minutes, the man returned. He had just gone out for a smoke! We all sheepishly turned back to the drama on the pitch. Recent arrests of alleged terrorists in your city does that to you.

When the officials called THREE minutes of stoppage time in the second half I just felt it. There was NO WAY the stoppage time could be that high (there were hardly any stops to the flow of the game in the half). Someone up there (in FIFA) decided to play it until one team *cough*Italy*cough* won.

When the ref called the penalty in the 94^th minute (remember THREE minutes of stoppage time?) it was all over for the 'Roos. The Italians may claim it was a penalty, but the rest of the world knows. At worst, the Aussie player could be called for obstruction which is AN INDIRECT FREEKICK and contrary to popular misconception CAN Be taken from inside the penalty box. While Italy was the better team it was sad that it took a referee's false call *eyebrows raised* to let them win 1-0 over the plucky Australians. Cheaters never prosper? Try telling that to the Italian team [secret training video].

So in the end my team won, but it was a dirty victory.

Tags: World Cup Italy Australia FIFA

Desis Rude?

We all tend to have a bit of laugh at ourselves time to time, but recently Mumbai was accused of being the rudest city on earth. While it's an Indian city and not a Bangladeshi one, I am entirely sure had Reader's Digest done the same survey in Dhaka we would have ranked alongside Mumbai. Same customs, similar people.

First, here's the survey. I do not agree with it at all, even though Toronto is 3^rd on the list of polite cities. It is the most bogus piece of trash I have read from that magazine. Here's why.

New York is ranked the most polite city on earth.

No matter how you try to spin that, it's plain wrong. There is no way NYC is the most polite city on earth. Hell, no. I am sorry for you if you live in New York. Really I am. I once asked a POLICE officer where the stadium was (we were on our way to a ball game). He looked at me, and said, "Well, as this sign here says in ENGLISH the stadium is this way..."

Toronto rules.

The criteria used was too Western. Naturally all the Western cities ranked up there (most polite) while Asian cities were rude. Let's see these 'criteria'.

- whether people opened doors for others in public buildings.

Do you know the population of any city in Asia? And how many of them are on their way to some public building at any given time? If you remain standing holding the door open for everyone you will never get in. Besides, those doors are of really old buildings and made of real wood, often years old. They are heavy. We push our own doors.

- whether they helped pick up papers dropped on a busy street.

Ever watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai? Rani drops her books and SRK is right there to help her pick it up, along with his 'dosti' bracelet. Seriously, the definition of 'busy street' in Asia is different - it's really busy. As soon as you drop something, it's trampled by millions of people. So we don't drop it in the first place, and if we do, we don't pick it up as it's damaged beyond repair. No wonder we desis are efficient.

- whether a shopkeeper said "thank you" when a purchase - big or small - was made.

Well, the last time a few British came to India to do a little bit of trade. They came to Bengal too, under Robert Clive. Some company called the East India Trading Company. We said thank you. They liked it so much that they remained for 400 years. So we don't do it anymore.

Tags: Mumbai Rude Reader's Digest

BBC: Mumbai disputes 'rudest city' tag

World Cup Predictions - 2

Going back over the predictions I made at the start of the tournament, I managed to correctly pick out 13 of the 16 teams for the Round-of-16. Ivory Coast has been a disappointment - if only their defence had been a little bit more disciplined, if only one of their chances had gone in against Holland, then the final matches of Group C would have been crackers.

I am supporting England. I don't want Brazil to win it AGAIN. They are good but c'mon let someone else win. I hope Ghana kicks their ass (not happening). So without meeting any meaningful opposition Brazil are on their way to the quarter finals and possibly the semis.

The form teams of the tournament so far are Germany, Argentina (but ofcourse), Spain, Italy (tendency to sit on a 1-0 lead may haunt them), Portugal (good coach but not too great players) and Brazil. England has been stumbling while France does not deserve to be here. My underdog team that I am rooting for is Australia. Croatia-Australia was the match of the tournament so far.

So, without any further ado, here are my knockout predictions.

Germany vs. Sweden
Sweden will be a handful for Germany but I expect the home team to prevail. It will be low scoring hard fought match (two European teams generally play out in the midfield).
Winner: Germany.

Argentina vs. Mexico
Historically Argentina had trouble against American teams but I don't expect them to break too much sweat in dealing with Mexico. Mexico are vulnerable against pacy counter attacks (as they showed against Portugal) which Argentina are good at (as shown against Ivory Coast).
Winner: Argentina.

England vs. Ecuador
If Rio Ferdinand is fit then I expect England to canter to a 3-0 win over Ecuador. The South American team can be frustrated by an organized defence and lack the quality strikers to penetrate. If Ferdinand is not fit, England will still win, but barely.
Winner: England.

Portugal vs. Netherlands
Tough one to call. Portugal has Figo while Robben stars for the Dutch. Equally matched in almost every category, I would give the Portuguese the slightest edge, as they have Scolari, a great coach. Plus, if the match goes to penalty kicks, the Dutch don't have a good record of winning those.
Winner: Portugal.

Italy vs. Australia
Much as everyone would like the Aussies to take this one, with Gus being a great tactical coach, the Aussies have too many problems to finish off a stubborn side such as the Italians. They don't know who will be the starting goalie, for one. Two, the Italians are great at set pieces, and the Aussies not so great at defending them. Three, the Italians have too much depth, experience and talent to lose to Australia. However, if the Italians take an early 1-0 lead and then decide to sit back, the Aussies WILL equalize. The way to beat Australia is to play attacking football.
Winner: Italy.

Switzerland vs. Ukraine
The worst sides to qualify for the second round play against each other. Given that Ukraine struggled to break down the 10-men Tunisian defence whereas the Swiss honed their skills playing against France and Turkey through the qualifiers, I expect a Swiss victory.
Winner: Switzerland.

Brazil vs. Ghana
Wouldn't we all love David to kill the Goliath once more? Sadly, Brazil has too much class to let the Africans trouble them. Well Ghana, you had your fun, you managed to put a smile on some peoples' faces and had your party, but now it's time to take your ball and your Israel flags and go home.
Winner: Brazil (by a distance).

Spain vs. France
The eternal bridesmaid versus the once beautiful maiden now ugly old hag. Whoever scores first will win. I expect Spain to take this, but just. France is not out yet, their coach looks like he has learnt the lessons taught by Korea in the game against Togo. Then again, it was Togo.
Winner: Spain.

Tags: FIFA World Cup

World Cup Flags

I was with some friends at the mall when one bought an England flag to attach to his car.

"That's such a bad investment." Another remarked, "England will likely go out in the quarter finals and your flag will be useless. You'd better buy a Brazil or Argentina."

The flag buyer looked around, lowered his voice and said, "Whenever England gets out, I will return this flag and exchange it for the current favourite and continue. Repeat if necessary. Thank God for Walmart's no questions asked returns policy."

That's our desi way of jumping on the world cup bandwagon.

I have noticed that during the World Cup, the flag wavers tend to be of the following types:

- Casual fans: They like this one team. It could be their country of origin. They will buy this one flag. And when the team is out, the flag disappears for another four years.

- Super fans: They like this one team. A lot. The flags will fly from all windows, nooks and crannies of their car. In the heat of the summer they cannot roll down their windows for fear of losing a flag.




- Confused fan: Then there is the fan who does not know which team he will support. So he puts out multiple flags of various counties. Also known as the 'Hedging My Bets' fan.




And finally, we have the

- Proud-To-Be-Canadian fan: This dude is just mad that normally cool folks are flying flags of countries he has never heard of. Besides, the national sports of Canada is HOCKEY dammit, not soccer! So he first flies the flag of a Canadian hockey team. But we know they suck and will soon be out of the playoffs, so now this guy is left fighting a lone battle flying the Canada flag.

BTW there IS a desi player in the world cup! [link]

Tags: World Cup

The Home-Sweet-Home Syndrome

"You should go to Bangladesh and marry someone there," advised a rather pompous uncle. "Girls here are too modern."

An amazing comment to make, as he himself was the father of two girls, raising them here from a very early age. However, he was not alone in making that comment to me in recent times. Apparently, if I marry some girl who has been brought up in Canada or is living somewhere in the West, she would a) not cook for me b) not respect me at all as all girls living here are beyaadober haadi ('bone' of rudeness) c) will have had previous relationships and d) will never care for my parents.

However, if I marry someone from Bangladesh (desher meye) I gather she will a) be able to give the chef at Sheraton a good competition from the amount of dishes she can make, b) will never refuse my commands (a robot?) c) will be 'pure' and Islamic d) will never ever dream of having her own home and will be shocked if I suggest getting our own place e) can sing like a nightingale and f) be an angel from the Garden.

Now I have been to Bangladesh couple of years back, having returned after a long time, and I can tell you things are not the Bollywood rosy picture they are portrayed to be. Hell, if you watch the Indian teleserials the villain in most of them will be the wife of the second brother imported from Kanpur. I call this picture of an ideal Bangladesh where the people sleep on flower beds and wake up to a beautiful morning by the cry of the rooster the 'Home-Sweet-Home' syndrome. Reality could be VERY different.

I am making generalizations, true, but aren't these uncles as well? Have they ever been to some of the university hang-outs? Shopping malls? Moghul gardens? Many of my friends and relatives who are in Bangladesh, my age, have met their spouses not through arranged marriage but by themselves. In many cases, they have gone out together for years, engaged in various levels of physical intimacy before committing to marital vows. In many cases, it hadn't worked out and they had moved on to other people. In some respects, they are more modern than people here.

As always, there are no generalizations. There are quite a huge number of guys and girls in Bangladesh who still adhere to family and religious values and keep themselves chaste. However, the guarantee that some older folk here make, that you go to Bangladesh and whoever you marry will be a chaste virgin who has never talked to a guy and knows how to make roti, polao, gulab jamun, porota and manchurian chicken is ... wrong.

Tags: Bangladesh Desi

Shyamol Chhaya

I just finished watching the Bengali movie Shyamol Chhaya (2004), directed by Humayun Ahmed. To be frank, it was my dad who made me watch the movie (I owed him one after I made him watch Swades). I was expecting a sappy, bad effects movie but I was pleasantly surprised.

Ahmed uses the stories of the people on a boat, fleeing their village in 1971 for a safer village, as a parable for the society they are living in. Various characters are fleshed out in the 110 minute story, and the plot is littered with constant twists to ensure that any part does not drag too long. Competent acting by all concerned, and a brilliant entry in anyone's collection.

Shyamol Chhaya was Bangladesh's official submission to the 2006 Academy Awards. It also featured in the Palm Springs International Film Festival, as well as lots of others.


A scene from Shyamol Chhaya

Tags: Bangladesh Shyamol Chhaya

Aishwarya Rai

I am talking with a friend about worthless movies. She asked me about the worst movie I saw this year.

"Mistress of Spices," I reply. "The book was passable but the movie stank."

"Who's in it?" She asked.

"Aishwarya."

"Oh, hmmphhhpssst!"

The last word was a cross between an expression of disgust, the hiss of an angry snake, followed with an excessive spitting action.

I have come to realize that brown girls hate Aishwarya Rai. Not just hate as in "I hate Mondays" category, but as in "if I see her on the road in front of my car I won't stop" category. Nearly every acquaintance of mine who happens to be a desi female has expressed this sentiment. And it's not because she's pretty. Angelina Jolie's pretty, but women don't seem to hate her with the same passion as what is reserved for Aishwarya.

"You don't like Aishwarya?" I continue.

"She's a terrible actress." Strike 1.

"She's good looking," I counter. "Extremely beautiful. If there was perfect-"

"She's a dumb bimbo." Strike 2.

"That has nothing to do with her looks. She looks good."

"She is ...." My friend seemed to struggle to find Strike 3. "How can you even say she is pretty? Ugh.. you men are so superficial. Hmmphhhpssst!"

I cannot understand why the vitriol is directed at Aishwarya. Let's face it - she is a baaaad actress. As in bad with a capital B. She has made some terrible movies. Yet, she is not dumb. Any actress with movies of that success flop rate would have married and have had kids by now. Yet, she is at the forefront of public demand. Her bad performance on Letterman aside, she has brains.

No desi woman will however concede to a man that Aishwarya Rai is beautiful. Only one girl I know conceded she could be "aesthetically pleasing".

Is there some actor we guys like to hate? I have seen guys stand around while their wives/girlfriends would exclaim "Oh I have to see this movie. It has Shah Rukh in it. Oh he's every woman's dream!" And the guy would be like "Heh". And continue sipping his coke-that-he-pretends-is-alcohol. We don't care. We somehow have convinced ourselves that if Brad Pitt would step between us somehow we would have qualities that Mr Jolie would lack. There is this one guy, though, that bugs me.

Abhishek Bachchan. Two or three years ago the guy's fashion sense was a green kurta with blue jeans and orange shoes (think Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya). He did a guest appearance in Neal 'n' Nikky for chrissake! And now, the guy's star is higher than his dad, his films are super successful, he is signing endorsements right and left, and has the fashion sense Italians would kill for.

What gives?

Tags: Desi Bollywood Aishwarya Rai

World Cup Predictions

At the risk of ending up with egg on my face, here's my World Cup predictions.

First Round
Group A - Germany, Costa Rica.
Group B - England, Sweden.
Group C - Ivory Coast, Argentina.
Group D - Mexico, Portugal.
Group E - Czech Rep., Italy.
Group F - Brazil, Australia.
Group G - France, Switzerland.
Group H - Spain, Ukrain.

Round-of-16
Germany vs. Sweden - Germany.
Ivory Coast vs. Portugal - Ivory Coast.
England vs. Costa Rica - England.
Mexico vs. Argentina - Argentina.
Czech Rep. vs. Australia - Czech Rep.
France vs. Ukraine - France.
Brazil vs. Italy - Brazil.
Spain vs. Switzerland - Spain.

Quarter Finals
Germany vs. Ivory Coast - Germany.
Czech Rep. vs. France - Czech Rep.
England vs. Argentina - England.
Brazil vs. Spain - Brazil.

Semi Finals
Germany vs. Czech Rep. - Germany.
England vs. Brazil - Brazil.

3^rd Place
England vs. Czech Rep. - England.

FINAL
Germany vs. Brazil - GERMANY.

Tags: FIFA World Cup

Stephane Dion Interview

I had the chance to interview Hon. Stephane Dion, former Minister of Environment and currently a candidate running for the position of leader of the Liberal Party of Canada (and eventually the Prime Minister). The interview is posted here.

Tags: Stephane Dion Liberal Party Canada

How Not To Mess That 'Date'

You know the drill. You come home from one day, planning on just how your Saturday is going to go (out with friends for a 'good' time - maybe even catch the new movie) when all of a sudden your parents ambush you with the biggest grin on their faces.

"It's fixed. We are meeting them tomorrow in the food court of the local mall."

Huh? In the few minutes it takes for you to clear your head, you recall a vague memory of seeing some blurry picture sent to your cousin sister's husband's hotmail (insertfullnametillAdam@hotmail.com). You remember saying 'not bad', and you will 'think about it later'. You also remember making up a quick excuse to leave the room immediately.

Well, now it has come to bite you back in the ass, as you get the first hint that your Saturday is not exactly going to go according to plan.

Compiled from advice from older cousins and friends, here are a few ways of how to deal with the situation.

1. You are going to meet someone. Officially sanctioned by the parents. Ofcourse they will remain ten feet away from you at all times (so you can forget about telling that joke about the Sardar and the pharmacist's daughter). And naturally, family members you never heard of will arrive at the mall. They are all running in the How To Make Things Even More Awkward trophy.

They will ofcourse, accompany you until you sit down at the table opposite your prospect. And suddenly, they will remember they have to check out the new sports shoes they have at Roots (the guys) or the new Dana Carling perfume at Sears (the girls). The extended family aunties meanwhile head to Dollarama.

2. Decide on what you are going to order at the food court. Avoid experimentation at this time. Don't order Columbian spicy cinnamon coffee with drop of mango leaves. It doesn't impress anyone, and you never know what will give you gas. Just get a double double.

3. Don't, EVER, discuss religion. Especially on a first meeting. There is no sane way to come out of that discussion looking good. Religion is personal - you should form your opinion from observation. Similarly, questions such as 'how many kids do you want' or 'do you believe birth control is allowed in the Hanifi sect of Islam' should be relegated to the dustbin.

4. Don't, EVER say 'well I am not ready for marriage at this time'. Why are you here then? To go on a date with ten members of your extended family tagging along? Not to mention making up stories such as 'I went bungee jumping on the Himalayas'.

Feel free to add more tips if you know some.

Tags: Desi

Long Weekend BBQ Pictures

I love summer. Give me +40 over -40 anyday. Last time when I went back to the Middle East, it was winter there - which was 25C. I was switching on the A/C while my cousins who lived there were freezing and putting on sweaters. The best part of Canada is the Toronto summer.


We men can cook anything on a grill.


Dodgeball Action - I


Dodgeball Action - II


Dodgeball Action - III - The opposing team plans an attack.


Dodgeball Action - IV - So do we.


Cake is good.

Toronto Crippled

Tourism Toronto named their promotion campaign Toronto Unlimited. Certainly not the situation in Toronto at the moment.

It took me an insane 2 hours to get to work today. Yes, the Toronto Transit Commission, a slow, cumbersome way to travel at the best of times, decided to go on a wildcat strike. TTC = Take The Car.

This was an illegal strike. In the middle of the duration of your contract, you CANNOT go on strike. The transit workers decided to cherry pick an issue and stage a strike. They should all be fired AND jailed. *rant on* If this was Bangladesh people would be calling in the army, some would be grabbing a hockey stick and beating up the striking workers (well maybe not). I do not condone senseless violence under any condition, but it seems in some dictatorships you get better public/medical service than here in Canada. *rant off*

Our elected officials seem to have no spine. Native protestors dig up a road in Caledonia and all the government can do is urge people to "be nice" (while they are tearing down hydro poles) *rolls eyes*.

The TTC union went on strike because they knew there would be ZERO consequences for their actions, except causing an inconvenience to 3 million people (but what do they care). The government should ARREST the union leaders, as well as every third driver or worker on strike (since you cannot arrest everyone). And the police should stick to their guns and remain firm, and throw those guys in jail for a month or two. Repeat for other illegal strikes.

If they do that, the next time a union decides to hold a city hostage by an illegal strike, they will think again.

I honestly cannot understand what the hell do some of those fat TTC workers do? Sit in a cushy chair in a comfortable booth and watch people pour coins through a slot. Fire the lot I say, and get automated gates and smart cards. And you want workers? There are so many recent immigrants ready to work for the TTC. And in my opinion, unlike the current seemingly good-for-nothing bastards, they will PROUDLY show up to work.

Tags: Toronto TTC Illegal Strike

The Blind Girl's Movie

For most of us, the Plan is clearly designed. When the time comes, our parents will try and arrange our marriages. Our focus, they ensure us, should be our studies that will prepare us for a stable future. Once we are settled in life, a bevy of candidates are thrown at us, of whom we pick a few - perhaps because they look good or sound interesting from a paper known as the 'bio-data'. Eventually, it all clicks and we end up married to a person we barely know but slowly grow to love over time. That's the Plan.

With all this, there are certain rules - we can have friends of the opposite sex, but that's it. There are certain lines that we cannot cross. We cannot be too flirty, we cannot 'play the field', we cannot dare to fall in love. We must keep the honour of the family and think with our heads, rather than live for the moment. It's all OK, because it will all work out in the end.

But what if you are blind? Deaf? Dumb? Have a disability? Suddenly, the rules don't seem to make sense anymore. Who will marry a blind person? Will he or she ever experience the love of another person?

Yes, I watched Fanaa, the new big movie starring Aamir Khan and Kajol. Those were the questions that were thrown at the beginning of the movie, and some stay with you till the end. All the main characters in the movie were Muslims. Should a blind girl, who admonishes her hero for skipping work as it goes against her values, or asks her parents for permission to marry the love of her life, decide to follow her heart and break apart all rules because she knows she may never experience love again? There is one point where she tells her friend - 'this feels right. And that's all I care'.

The movie was predictable to a huge extent, but given the hype and buildup, I am pretty sure it will make lots of money. Woodside was crowded when we went, and sold out. And like the Plan, there is one more fact that is constantly in the design when I see a movie at Woodside.

A guy with a huge turban or head will ALWAYS sit in front of me.




Update: A review that hits the spot perfectly.

Shiney Ahuja. Poor Shiney Ahuja. One would think he would have offers pouring in after 'Hazaaron khwahishen aisi' and 'Gangster'. I wonder what made him accept the script that listed his part as follows: 'Play football. Answer call. Drink tea. Die.'

Tags: Fanaa Desi

Mosque Candy

It was a strange sequence of events that found me at 10.30 pm on this Friday night inside a mosque rather than inside a cinema theatre watching X-men 3, or shooting some pool at a sports bar or bowling at an alley. I was at a friend's place away from the TO and he lived right next to the biggest mosque in that town. It was Isha time, the weather was nice and I wanted to go for a walk.

As I sat waiting for the prayers to start, I began to categorize the people present into groups. The older folk could have come straight from Pakistan/India/B'desh. Many still wore their shalwaar kameezes (with huge tea-stains at the corners), or were dressed in their thobes, stroking their footlong beards, their heads adorned with caps that had multiple patterned beads on it.

Then there was a group of young guys, around my age. They were seated in a circle, listening to some speaker in the center. They were dressed in long garbs, with jackets on top, and their heads covered in either caps or hoods. All had huge beards. Bits and pieces of the speaker's talk floated to me.

" ... must remain steadfast to our faith ..."

" ... be humble and kind ..."

" ... true salvation is in serving Allah ..."

Here, all this time, as I looked at those young people, I thought, 'boy, I have absolutely nothing in common with them'. Maybe it was just boredom but I was stereotyping these guys as strict conservative types.

I am used to our university crowd at the mosques - dressed in shirts, trousers or T-shirts and jeans. Beard is minimal (smartly trimmed or none at all), hair styled back, and so on. Guys who would pray and then drive off to the multiplex or mall.

I was a brown Muslim guy in a mosque filled with other brown Muslim guys and I felt like fish-out-of-water for some reason. How would a white convert feel?

Suddenly, a cellphone rang from somewhere. It was from one of those young men in the halaka circle. Frantically, he moved his hands from stroking his beard to searching the pockets of his dishdasha for the cellphone.

And why not? For the ringtone, in clear, loud, audible words to the rest of the congregation, was

I take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollypop
Go 'head girl, don't you stop
Keep goin 'til you hit the spot (whoa)

Maybe we have something in common with these guys after all.

Tags: Mosque Cellphone

The Da Vinci Code

Watched the Da Vinci Code on Saturday evening. Even though I enjoyed the movie, I wish I didn't watch it then as I was really tired (we got the midnight show as all else were sold out, and this was after a day of BBQs, dodgeball games and 'sari' races). If you have read the book, you will definitely enjoy the movie. If you haven't - well my friends who are in that category said they enjoyed the movie too. But you definitely have to be a bit smart to follow some of the plot.

And like, duh, the book is waaaay better. Obviously as you can do a lot more in the book. However, this is a very faithful adaptation of the book.

A word about Tom Hanks. Is this the same actor who was in Forrest Gump? What a lousy job he did in the Da Vinci Code.

About the protests spanning the globe - there's even fatwas issued by Indian Catholics on Dan Brown's head, proving that Muslims don't have a monopoly here - given the topic of the movie and the way the Catholic Church is portrayed, I would expect that. What I don't get is the number of Muslims (not a lot) who protested. There was even a march on Friday outside the mosque I went to for prayers.

For .. um, Chrissake, why? Given that 95% of what the Da Vinci Code says (I don't want to give spoilers here) is what Islam believes happened to early Christianity, I don't get it.

Tags: Da Vinci Code

At The Bank

The smiles we wear ...

I was in the bank today during lunch, waiting to deposit a cheque. In front of me were a couple. They looked lovingly at each other, had their hands in each others' rear pockets, and informed the teller they wished to visit their safety deposit box. To the world, it was just another happily married(?) couple.

Except that the couple were two balding middle-aged guys.

Living in liberal Canada, we see a lot of wild stuff, and we become desensitized to it. However, the sight of two gay men still strikes most people as a tad too much. Yes, you have your rights, just ... stay the hell away from me, seems to be the attitude.

It was interesting watching the teller's reactions. She was a young, 20-something blond girl, and as she looked up, ready with the smile that says 'Next', her face froze ... momentarily. Then she recovered and asked 'How may I help you?' before verifying their signatures and leading them off to the locker rooms. As she came back, I saw her give an involuntary shudder before fixing her smile back into place and announcing, 'May I help the next person, please?'

The lane besides me was having an argument. An older Chinese gent was ... loudly ... yelling at the cashier (an Indian woman - do banks hire any male tellers?) that his cheques were in order. The teller was trying, unsuccessfully, to a)calm him down b)explain that the cheques needed to be countersigned by his wife c)stop herself from blowing up. My teller, seeing the situation, told the Chinese guy 'she's just doing her job, it's bank procedure', before the customer again exploded as to 'how the bank should know he was his wife's husband and why they needed her signature when he was here and why ... blah blah blah."

In the end the Indian lady just got a Chinese teller to speak with him, while she herself gave him the cold shoulder. And the look. After he left, she turned to the next guy in line, smiled and said 'Hi. How are you today?'

It was so surreal. It was as if the incident with the previous customer was already forgotten. She was all smiles and hellos and other such niceties - but I guess that's good customer service. Reminded me of those news readers who would read a shocking piece of news followed by fluff in an equally unperturbed manner.

"[with grim voice] Authorities say five people are dead, including a child as young as five, in the shocking murder of a family that has stunned the small New Brunswick town with its brutality.

[pearly white smile comes on] In another piece of news, it's Baby One More Time again for Britney Spears, who has confirmed reports of her pregnancy ..."

Tags: Toronto Bank

Making My Family Tree

They were showing the myths discussed in the Da Vinci Code on the History Channel and mentioned a document tracing the genealogy of Christ - a family tree, if you will. The mention of those words made me reminisce about a particular incident from my childhood.

It was during my summer vacations, usually spent in Bangladesh. I must have been around ten. Now, when I used to travel from the Middle East to Bangladesh, it would mean losing connection with all my friends for two months, as well as giving up my favourite TV programs. I am talking before satellite channels (and the internet), and all of Bangladesh used to have one channel - BTV (still does). The only good program on BTV was Wednesdays, 10 pm, MacGyver. And this was if I was in Dhaka, and the power was there. For three days on every trip, however, my parents would go to our ancestral village. Which meant, for me, not even TV.

I used to be quite bored while in the village. First, as I mentioned, no TV. Second, the washroomstoilets used to be ... disgusting. The elders did nothing but chew bidi and paan and have red teeth. The young kids thought nothing of playing football in the mud. And no one knew of Sherlock Holmes! And if you think I would have a fun time with my cousins, think again. All my cousins who lived in the village were a) older than me and planning to pressure my dad to get them a visa, any visa, to Dubai b) younger than me who thought nothing of grabbing a cockroach and tearing off its legs one at a time. All the cool cousins were in Dhaka, it seemed.

So there I was, at midday, sitting all alone, reading my Tintin comic for the fourth time, when my dad walks in.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"I am BORED." Little spoilt me complained.

"Well, your Riaz bhaia's playing football." My dad offered.

I looked at him in shock. "It's raining outside. And the ball is not even Nike!"

My dad then had a bright idea. "Tell you what, why don't we make a family tree? It will teach you a bit about our family. We are descended from Isa Kha, you know.

So he asked me to get a piece of paper. Which proved easier said than done. At that time the only papers one could find there were newsprint papers attached to school notebooks, which my cousins were reluctant to part with (for some reason there was always paper when the elders were playing cards). I finally got stole one notebook.

"Ok," my dad said. "Write your great-grandfather's name down. It's so-and-so."

I wrote it down.

"Now we are going to note the names of his kids."

At that moment my uncle popped his head into the room and asked us what we were doing.

"Making a family tree." I replied. I had to explain what that was.

"Oh." My uncle popped his head out and started to shout, "Maqsud! Shamim! Faiza! Poppy! Rana! Come here! WE ARE MAKING A FAMILY TREE."

Suddenly there were 10 people in the room. I drew four lines under my great grandfather's name and asked, "so how many kids did he have?"

"Wait." My uncle interrupted. "There was 4 ... no 5 ... but that was from his first wife. From his second ..."

"He had HOW many wives?" I asked incredulously. At that age polygamy was unknown to me.

"Three." My dad replied quite matter-of-factly. I quickly added a few more lines under my great grandfather's name. 17 kids, to be precise. I was going to need the whole notebook.

And that's how it continued. It was funny how everyone 3 generations ago had 2 or 3 wives and atleast 15 kids (not counting those that died in infancy). The next generation may have children in single digits (like 9) but could still have 2 wives. The following generation had 1 wife and only 3 or 4 kids.

When we were finally done, half the village was in that room. Everyone kept reminding me of someone I had forgotten "but what about Kamal the son of Quddus the ...". It had taken 13 papers, 2 hours, and we found out we were related to the village MP's eldest daughter-in-law.

I still have those papers. And come to think of it, that one afternoon was some of the best 2 hours I had spent.

Tags: Bangladesh Desi

Did You Say 'Heads'?

The new Canadian quarter. I got this amongst my change today. I wonder what would happen in a cricket match at the toss were you to use to this coin and call 'Heads'? If it lands as in the first picture, you win normally. However, if it lands as in the second picture, you did say Heads (with the plural). Are two heads better than one?


Did you say 'Heads'?

Tags: Canada Coin Toss

Go Watch MI3

If you like action movies go watch Mission Impossible 3.

Ditto if you are a guy.

If you are a girl, Tom Cruise is in the movie. He's almost Shah Rukh Khan, right? Go watch the movie.

This was the perfect blockbuster to kickoff the summer (even if Toronto is going through a cold spell). Not once did I glance at the clock. Unlike MI-1, the plot is linear and not too complicated. It's basically an excuse to go from one action scene to the next. Unlike MI-2, the movie kept me at the edge of my seat and never lagged once. At one stage when Ethan Hunt (Cruise) was about to attempt another dangerous stunt I was like 'Bismillah Bismillah' before scolding myself 'Mezba - get a grip, it's just a movie, chill'. It was that absorbing.

I have often heard the phrase 'leave your brains at home' (usually in connection with some awful Govinda movies) but this is the first time I can say, you don't need to think too much. Just buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Three points if you can guess which other famous movie the junior male spy (the other spy besides Ethan and the black dude) acted in. As well as the villain's female bodyguard, remember where you have seen her?

So yes, go and watch the movie.

Now, on the other hand, if you hate Tom Cruise ... well, you should know people disagree with my movie reviews. I hated Rang De Basanti and enjoyed Lord of War.

Tags: Mission Impossible 3

Why Are You Marching?

I went to meet a couple of friends downtown to watch Mission Impossible 3. As we were walking down University Ave., I started to hear shouting and chants. We looked at each other - the chants sounded familiar. Could it be ... Arabic? And why were there so many policemen on the road, blocking off lanes?

Then they came into view. Marching straight beside Mt. Sinai Hospital, where it says "Quiet Zone", came hundreds of men in white tunic and green turbans, followed by women in jilbabs pushing prams with kids in tow, marching and chanting.




As we watched, puzzled, the march was led by a car with speakers attached to its roof, and we could see a guy inside, with a microphone in hand, screaming what sounded like nasheeds. And following the car was a marching band!




Apparently, someone forgot the memo from Saudi clerics that musical instruments are banned. Or are drums the new dafs?

But what were they protesting/marching about? As far as I could remember, the Danish cartoons were a distant issue, and we Muslims have it pretty good in Canada. Especially South Asians. Then came the banner.




Wait a minute - celebrating a birthday? Lost that memo too?

Honestly, Satan is very creative. A female Muslim ex-blogger and MSA exec of UofT once commented that the Ummah seems to have a lot of time on their hands. Looking at this march, I can't help but think she was right. We have so many issues to deal with. The lack of spaces allotted to women in the mosques. The false interpretation of Islam by many clerics. The oppression of women in our rural communities. The false cultural dogma that colours our religion. The awful treatment of expatriate workers in the Arab world.

It's hard to solve those problems. It's impossible to criticize our clerics. It's much easier to grab a 'I Love Muhammad (s)' sticker and go marching. So go ahead, pick up a placard.

As one Saudi girl who was with my friend remarked, "You know, I am an observant Muslim, but when I see stuff like this [women screaming at the top of their lungs that Muhammad(s) is protection against all evil and sicknesses - shirk in my book] and that if I were non-Muslim, I would think Islam is so-uncool."

Satan is indeed creative.


These tourists got more than what they paid for.

The Metro

Tags: Toronto Muslims

Its The Month To Be Desi

I was mistaken last night for a Gujrati. I know, I looking nothing like this guy, but apparently I don't have a Bengali face. Well, I am brown, so won't be mistaken for a Nordic ski instructor soon, but there was I, in the washroom of a sports bar.

I had gone to play some pool with a few friends, and was just emerging from the washroom, when this dude walked out of one stall. Then he looked at me, and without missing a beat, started to shoot off his mouth.

Well, it sounded Greek to me, but I could make out 'kemcho', amongst others. The he stopped, and looked expectantly at me.

"I am sorry?" I had a what-the-f-is-wrong-with-you look (I perfected that look).

Then the guy got really angry.

"You!" He waved a finger at me. "You are here and ashamed to be a Gujrati! Shame on you!" [he pronounced it same as in samed to be Gujrati and same on you].

And all I could think of at this moment was dude! wash your hands!

I wanted to tell him, loudly, in my best Punjabi accent "Oye! Tusi kya bolrao? Asi jaat Panjaaban!"

Instead, ofcourse, I said. "You are terribly wrong. I am Bengali."

"Oh," The guy deflated a bit. "Hokay!"

Still shaking my head, I walked out, before starting to laugh. I wished I did speak Gujrati, so I could understand what he was saying. And why would you start to talk to a stranger, IN THE WASHROOM, before you washed your hands? Eeeeyuck.

I wonder what he would have thought had he walked into our group, which included one Gujrati guy, who was actually yakking on the phone with his girlfriend in his mother tongue.

I have noticed this fact amongst some of us desi people too. We meet a non-desi, we politely talk about the weather, the terrible effect of potholes on our cars, and whether the Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup ... ever. We meet a desi - boom! We talk about how your father is doing, how much are you earning, how's your job, whether you are married, how the rash-on-uncle's-bum that aunty is so worried about is doing... wow. You may hardly know the guy, but you know how much his third son is earning.

Maybe it's because we don't like to talk about personal stuff with non-desis that we talk about the weather.

May is South Asian Heritage Month in Canada (h/t Isheeta). In Toronto, this would be the month desis throng to Dundas Square and Harbourfront for all the masti and fundas shows (May 20,21). During elections in January this year, I actually had MP Bill Graham, who was Minister of Defense at that time, hand me a pamphlet for the Liberal Party on the subway. And the pamphlet was in several languages, Hindi, Arabic and Chinese being some of them. The Minister of Defense! Can you imagine Donald Rumsfield handling out Vote Me in Arabic in downtown LA?

Long live desis and desi-isms.

Tags: Desi Toronto

Battle Of The Tank

My MSN nick read - 'my cichlids ate my oscar'.

I keep an aquarium of cichlids. Cichlids are usually African or South American, a bit wild and territorial, and come in pretty colours and markings. I have had my setup for sometime now, so my fish have all grown used to each other, marking their territories and so on. On Monday evening, I decided to get a new fish from the petshop and add it to the tank, after three years of no new fishes.

I was describing what happened next to a female classmate who had just come online.

FF (female friend): What do you mean they ate the oscar?

Me: Well, after I had floated the bag containing the oscar ...

FF: Oscar is a fish, right?

Me: Yes. So, I took the oscar out from the bag with my net and placed it into the tank.

FF: And next morning you saw the fish dead?

Me: No, no. I placed the oscar into the tank, and then watched as six cichlids attacked it, completely eating it live in three minutes.

FF: Gross!

Me: I wish I had taped it - it was like National Geographic.

FF: Wait wait. You lost a fish, and your ... sole ... regret is you didn't tape it?

Me: Well, I did spend 10 bucks on the oscar ....

FF signs off and may not reply because her status has changed to Offline.

So, I now have a problem - how to introduce new fish into an established tank of cichlids. I thought with the oscar's reputation for being tough it would be OK but apparently they are not very communal fish, and slow to move. All of which the salesman tells me later.

The advises I got are conflicting.

1. Add a fish that is twice as large as the largest fish in the tank. No one will dare attack it and it can take on all comers.
2. Add a fish half as small as the smallest fish. No fish will see it as a threat and ignore it.

Please feel free to add to that list.


Cichlids can be beautiful and fun fish to keep.

Tags: Cichlid Aquarium

Metro Police Museum, Darfur

On Sunday, I was in downtown, out for a walk near the Metro Police headquarters. They have a police museum there that I had been planning to visit for some time, so I popped in. What I didn't know was, at the exact same time as I entered the place, they were starting a ceremony to honour common citizens who had helped the public and police during the past year. So as soon as I swung through the doors, this huge policeman, decked in complete dress uniform, white gloves and a golden sword at his side, walked to me, smiled a welcome and handed a paper to me.

'Wow, what a fancy museum,' I thought, as I completely sidestepped the neat array of chairs where various people were seated, much to the surprise of that policeman, and made for the exhibits. Only later, when I found out why so many people were seated there, why was the Chief of Police there, why there were cameras for three local TV channels there, did I feel foolish. I could have been on TV!

Anyways, the museum itself, while not big, is pretty interesting. If you are ever in the area, check it out. The most intriguing display were the showcases holding real pieces of evidences from past crimes.

There was an utility belt, used by one man in his disguise in an attempt to infiltrate the apartment of a young woman in order to assault her. They also had the actual tape holding his confession, as to how he planned the whole thing, stalking the apartment complex for days before selecting his victim.

There was an iron, whose utility cord was used to strangle someone to death. There were actual forged cheques, ropes used to hang a murderer, actual bullets fired during a robbery, and so on.

Other interesting display of note were old traffic lights. In olden times, the light used to be stored in a nearby shop, and the lamp had four screens, two red, two green. A police officer used to fetch the lamp in the morning, and stand all day on duty turning the lamp one way or the other (red for stop, green for go). I don't know how people lived back then.

On the way back, I walked past a rally for Darfur. I posted about it here, but I think there are some people who pick a 'protest for the month' and go attend that protest (without understanding what they are protesting). When I was a student, the closest I came to attending a protest was when they considered reducing the hours the computer lab was open - we had to do our assignments man! CS does that to you.


A police car, with working lights and sirens, that YOU can get inside and switch on or off.


Showcasing real pieces of evidence from actual past crimes.


The result of running a red light.


A replica of the original police station (circa 1800s) where the museum now stands.

Tags: Toronto Police Darfur