Signs You May Be A Bit Too ...

To be taken with a pinch of salt and generous dose of humour ...

Signs You Are A Bit Too ... Conservative A Muslim

- If you could ride a camel to work you would, as that was Sunnah, in your view.

- You can hide a miswak in your beard, and do.

- You quote verses and sayings in Arabic to fellow South Asian Muslims, and impress upon them as to how important it is to learn the language of the Prophet, and how easy it is. Ofcourse, the day you meet a real ARAB Muslim you shut up.

- You judge a person's piety by the cloth on their head or hair on their face.

- Wearing trousers, clapping of hands, playing the guitar, sports is all unIslamic activities to you, as they are imitating the foreigner and their ways. So says the desi cleric dressed in Arab clothes.

Signs You May Be A Bit Too ... Liberal A Muslim

- You are the master of re-interpretation. You are fond of saying 'Islam needs to be re-interpreted'. Not that faulty interpretations are to be corrected - reinterpreted.

For example, when Allah said do not drink alcohol - you have reinterpreted it to mean Allah is asking us to stop from consuming the addictive products of the day - so today we don't need to stop drinking but stay away from marijuana and the like.

- In a similar vein, mosque has become a place where Muslims meet, and where Muslims meet has become where anyone meets - therefore wherever people meet is a mosque - be it the local Starbucks.

- You are fond of saying 'atleast I don't put a cloth on my head and makeout with my boyfriend' and make out anyways.

- "The Prophet prayed in Arabic because that was his mother tongue. Today we should pray in our mother tongue." And so saying, you begin your namaaz (if you pray) with "God is great", before progressing to "Thee alone do we worship ..."

Tags: Muslim

At least he got his priorities right

"Hey," I speak to one of my friends. "I thought you were going to Bangladesh on Canada Day (July 1). Isn't your wedding a couple of days later?"

"Ya, about that," My buddy replies, "I talked to her and postponed it till two weeks later. You didn't know? Postponed it quite a while back."

"Oh really?"

"Ya," He answers with a goofy grin. "I got her to tell her father I couldn't get a holiday from work until a week later."

"Ah." I lean in closer. "So, why did you really delay the wedding?"

"Well," My friend has a really embarrassed look on his face now. "Transformers is coming out on the 3^rd of July, and I have always wanted to see that in the IMAX theaters ..."

Immigration Consultants

When we were thinking of moving to Canada, over a decade ago, the Canadian embassy was just being set up in the capital. It was a rented apartment, converted into an office, in a small, unremarkable building in an incognito part of the city. I remember going with my Dad to pick up some forms as well as some university information packages.

We took the elevator to the floor, found one hand-painted sign proclaiming 'Canadian Embassy' on a door. Pushing it open, we saw some movers shifting boxes of furniture.

"Hi," My dad walked to the empty desk marked 'information'. "I am looking for some information. Do you know where the receptionist is?"

"That," one of the movers came forward and shook our hands, "would be me."

"Oh," I interjected. "I also want to meet someone who can tell me a bit about universities in Canada."

"That," the man replied with a smile, "would be me again."

Ah! That man - was the Ambassador of Canada to that country.

That small meeting with the Ambassador, where he served us coffee from a can, a brand unknown to me then (Tim Hortons), led him to naming one of his friends who worked as an immigration consultant in the area. And it was through this guy that we, and almost countless others of our friends, applied for and obtained immigration to Canada.

From that one-man operation the embassy is now a sprawling complex with various departments to handle all its affairs, not surprising given the amount of trade and Canada's role in affairs in that part of the world nowadays. However, given the huge demand that is the result of people wanting to move to Canada, there are now hundreds of people free lancing as "immigration consultants to Canada" across the world, and many here in Toronto.

Truth be told, most of us know of at least one guy or family that are here on not exactly legal terms. They have filed for a "refugee" status while not being refugees at all, or have overstayed their visa, and what not. "Don't worry," is the usual response, "we got lawyers working on it."

The Toronto Star recently did an underground investigation into these 'consultants'. And their results are shocking. They had reporters wear wire and hidden cameras. The compiled videos are available on their website, and make for revealing findings. You should read that article and see the videos (the Karan Arora one is the best!).

I had mixed feelings when I was reading that article. Sure, not everyone comes here legally. But some people are just good honest folks who contribute to society, they are just caught on the wrong side of paperwork. But then I realized, shouldn't alarm bells start to go off when your consultant asks you to lie? When he or she says, "Don't worry, you wouldn't need to do anything, we will decide on a story for you."

What is unfortunate is that many of these 'false refugee' cases take years to settle (usually they are not approved). So after 5 years of building a life here, these immigrants have to get out of the country, are prohibited from re-entering because they have 'lied' on their application, lost tons of money. Meanwhile, the 'consultant' is free, richer and able to ply his or her trade on a new batch of immigrants.

I would blame the clients for not doing their research. But then, go to Bangladesh and go to one of these offices for these 'consultants'. They have certificates galore from everywhere to prove their 'credentials'. How would you know who is real and who is not? After all, not all immigrant consultants come recommended by an Ambassador.

A Useless Facebook Rant

1. The number of friends requests you have pending is NOT an indicator of how popular you are. Seriously, if you get your thrills by periodically looking at the number of people who want to be your friend and giving a quiet chuckle to yourself as you leave them hanging, you need therapy.
   
   
   
   On the other hand, not everyone should be your friend. I just met you. I don't need you to add me to your Facebook. I don't need you to see all my albums of my wild graduation party at the Keg convocation - remember ... I ... JUST ... MET ... you.
   
   Also, you really shouldn't be adding me. You are friends with the eleven year old kid I call my cousin. You shouldn't even BE on Facebook. Ah the good old days when Facebook was restricted to university students and alumni!
   
   
2. Your birthday should not be an indication of pseudo popularity. True friends remember your birthday. I call someone to wish them 'happy birthday'.
   
   'Ya,' he replies, 'but remember to wish me on Facebook.'
   
   
   
   WHAT?!! Again, the number of people who wish you HAPPY BIRTHDAY on Facebook does NOT translate to real life bosom buddies.
   
   
3. If you really want to increase the bonds of friendship with all your friends, do a bollywood lookalike album for all of them! *grin* Nothing will endear you more to them than comparing them to Mithun (or even better, Mamooty!).
   
   
   
   
4. And finally, "poking". What a useless thing to do!
   
   
   
   And what fun!

Why Nancy Will Kick Harry's Ass

I have to admit - I have not read a single Harry Potter book completely (on that account I haven't seen any of the Shreks either). I read a bit and then gave up. I saw all the Harry Potter movies (and I think only Azkaban was really good, Philosopher's Stone (or Sorcerer's Stone - can someone clear up the confusion) was passable, the rest all snoozeworthy). So I am one of those who are not going to camp outside the bookstore dressed like a witch and address each others as "muggle"s on Jul 21. I only know about the release date because I have been forced persuaded to buy a book for my sibling.

Don't get me wrong, I am not doubting J.K Rowling's literary prowess. When I saw each of the movies, I was amazed at how much she has going on there - and how many aspects of the story all tie in together. It's a proper fantasy - she has witches, magic, dragons, mythical beasts etc. all woven together with a little bit of mystery that gets solved in the end. Yet, I can't help but think - it's all so COMMON. For example, when growing up, I used to read Bengali fairy tales (yes, it wasn't all Hans Christian Anderson for me). There's Moha Upponnash, Thakurmaar Jhuli to name a few. There there was the famous Arabian Nights.

All of them told stories of demons so strong, yet their life was contained in a blue bird hidden in some silver cage. There was the ponkhiraaj - or the horse with wings. There was the talking snake. What J.K. Rowling has done is take all these ancient legends and fables and somehow packaged them all in a nice mix, palatable to the common people, and has done it well. She deserves every bit of her success.

Yet, there is something in the not-so-literary-masterpieces that I read as a child which is far, far better than Harry Potter. I am referring to the mystery series by writers such as Enid Blyton. When you read Harry Potter, you cannot dream of having the same adventures as a boy wizard (or there's something seriously wrong with you). But you can dream of being a member of the Famous Five and solving mysteries, or being a Secret Seven and having a clubhouse. Harry Potter's school? Yuck - go read The Malory Towers or The St. Clare's series by Blyton. Far more adventure but far more realistic.

And then of course there's Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys. Yes, the authors were not real, and yes, it was very formulaic ("and the last thing Nancy heard was a sharp blow, and then it all went black. Next chapter."). But it was so much fun! Harry Potter - 700 pages - that's not a leisurely story book - that's a dictionary!

And the final reason why Nancy Drew and her compatriots would kick Harry Potter's ass. Harry's only power is magic - that he cannot use in the real world. Nancy - she has wits (everyone knows where Harry's wits are - Hermione Granger). So using her wits and her legendary karate skills - Nancy will kick Harry's ass every time. Beaten by a girl, Harry, how do you like that?

And now Nancy has her own movie too!

Good or Bad Signs

Signs That Your Parents Are Thinking About Someone's Marriage
(played to the tune of Somebody Is Gonna Get Hurt by Russel Peters)

(Note, I said someone's marriage, so no stupid comments about moi!)

1. Your mother asks you if there is a hyphen between the words 'bio' and 'data'.
   
2. Your father suddenly has Hossain uncle from the travel agency on speed dial.
   
3. Your cousins are downloading henna patterns from the Web, and it's not even Eid.
   
4. Your mother is suddenly friends with that "flower lady" from the local mall.

If you are a guy:

1. Your mother goes "maybe it's time you did a Ph.D?" even though it's zero significance to your job.
   
2. When you are planning a Vegas trip, your parents hint that you should save that 2G for a more "fruitful" trip.

If you are a girl:

1. Your mother (it's the mother again!) suddenly going "maybe we should ALL eat more vegetables" *hint hint*.
   
2. Your mother signs your email up at the "Daily Indian Recipes Made Easy" website.
   
3. Suddenly you are being invited to all these ladies' tafseers.
   
4. A phone call from the local telemarketer selling you long distance to Jamaica becomes a source of concern to your father because it was a guy on the phone.

Feel free to add to the list.

The Story of a School Exhibit

A very interesting incident happened yesterday at a local high school in Toronto. I am not giving any links to the news story or pictures to protect the identity, but it provoked quite the debate.

The assignment was to build an exhibit, themed around corporations' influence on our way of life. Basically, the teacher wanted these students (Grade 8, mind you) to explore what would happen if corporations indeed took over many aspects of our lives. So what does one (Muslim) student do? She built a model of the Kabaa, but attached to each sides of the Kaaba were stickers, one of KFC, one of McDonalds, and a couple of other corporations. So basically, corporations had taken over the Grand Mosque of Mecca. McKaaba?



When I first heard of this exhibit - I thought now here is a true piece of art! Art is supposed to be provocative, and this exhibit suceeded in pushing all the right buttons! If you didn't know, corporations have truly been taking over the holiest of Muslim lands.

For example, now you can stay at Makkah Hilton, built right next to the Kaaba. Their website states "Wake up to an Art Deco-style room offering Kaaba or Holy Haram Mosque views, opening windows, and a seating area. Get to work at the workstation, relax with a newspaper on the sofa or refresh in the luxury bathroom. The Twin City/Haram Tower 6 rooms have a kitchenette."

Right next to the hotel is a shopping outlet, offering KFC, Burger King, etc. for all your shopping needs. So it would seem our young high school student wasn't that far off the mark after all! And it's not just their presence, these corporations have impressed upon the powers that be to destroy Islamic heritage sites (in the name of religion) to make way for even more of their presence [source].

So what happened at this school once this exhibit was present amongst other exhibits? Suddenly, a bunch of young Muslim men in that school decided it was up to them to defend the honor of Islam. So saying good bye to their girlfriends, taking a last sniff of their dope, snuffing out their cigarettes and chucking their half-empty beer cans into the bins, they marched en masse to the principal's office.

It was a near riot. Shouting, gesturing, threatening the student who made the exhibit with dire consequences, they forced the principal to act. She of course marched to where the exhibit was being held, told the student in no uncertain terms that exhibits were meant to foster the learning spirit and not to insult, and asked her to take down the exhibit. The mob went back to whatever they were doing.

It's a pity that the principal could not support the student who made the exhibit, or at least give her the option of defending her work, and succumbed to mob rule. The first place young people learn Canadian values of diversity, freedom of speech, peaceful resolving of differences, is our schools. Yet today, we have a group of youngsters who learnt that mob rule works.

Tariq Ramadan at York

I attended Dr Tariq Ramadan’s speech on Canadian Muslims and Citizenship at York yesterday. Lately I had been running into many bloggers, and it was no different last night. I met Safiyyah Ally, the host of Let The Quran Speak on a local T.V. channel here, who formerly used to maintain a blog and now writes as one of many at Disconnected Verses. Accompanying her was Asmaa of Randomly Placed. In fact, when another woman stopped me and went “Hey, Mezba!” I half expected her to be another blogger.

“Your face looks so familiar!” I told her, trying to think of where I had seen her.

“Idiot!” She replied, “It’s me, your cousin!”

What can I say, some girls look TOTALLY different in hijab!

The official title of the talk was Canadian Muslims And Citizenship – Roles and Responsibility. Dr Ramadan started with his observations that now Western Muslims seem to be categorizing themselves into two generalizations – the invisible “I am a Muslim but not practicing” or the “super angry, agitated and isolation-minded Muslim”. Then he said there are politicians who on one hand implore the Muslims to “integrate into society” yet by their actions, legislations and policies provoke the Muslims and push the right buttons to get an emotional negative reaction out of them. In the midst of all this, he said, it is our duty as Canadian Muslims to negotiate a middle path. Thus began his talk on how.

Before delving into the details, he gave a few objectives for Muslims here. First, he said, Muslims have to be sure they remain true to themselves, remain Muslims and live an Islamic life to the best of their efforts. At the very same time, they have a responsibility to the society in which they live. And then Dr Ramadan brought up the Canadian society.

It is a problem, he said, that many Muslims nowadays idealize Muslim countries when the rules of many non-Muslim or secular countries follow Islamic principles more. It is the duty of Muslims, he said, to reinforce the good in society and work to eradicate the evil. How, he asked, will you do that if you isolate yourself – you do not recognize the inherent good that is present in this society and in the hearts of Canadians, and similarly, he implored, how will you eradicate the evil if you do not study it, do not understand it or where it comes from?

Don’t be agitated, he said. Muslims are quick to react emotionally yet the Prophet always spoke softly, after much deliberation and thinking. A fast speaker is speaking on emotion, yet we have to have a vision, which means not reacting to every provocation. Having laid his groundwork, he now went on to specifics.

Respect yourself. If you don’t respect yourself, you cannot expect others to.

How do you behave with your parents? Lot of older Canadians, he pointed out, are unhappy with their kids because the kids grew up with the materialistic viewpoint of the 70s and have now sent the parents to old age homes to be lonely. Canada, like all Western nations, have an aging population and Muslims have to behave well with these older folk and that means starting at home.

Don’t be judgmental. You have to love the people you wish to change. You cannot go to a drug addict and look at him as a sinner and then preach to him. You have to love him. You wish to change him because you love him. Leave the judgement upto Allah and do your best to change the man. In other words, hate the sin, not the sinner.

Learn to forgive. A lot of people can get even, but truly not a lot can forgive. The Prophet, he pointed out, changed many of his enemies to friends simply by forgiveness. He told us to look up the story of Lubaba in the Prophet’s seerah.

One Quran, but many readings. Dr Ramadan reminded me of Dr Suwaidan here, when he again repeated that while there may be one straight path, there’s many different ways on that path. There are no second class Muslims, and Muslims have to learn to deal with the divisions and diversity of opinions that exist within the Muslim sphere before they can learn to deal with the greater diversity in our society. No one is a lesser Muslim because they do some things differently than you or I.

Be consistent in our standards and behavior.

Don’t just concentrate on Islamic education but also avail worldly education. Comparing Muslims of the past, he said not only we had scholars and muftis of religion but also of the worldly affairs. A scholar, he said, must remain in the service of the community. Today, he lamented, it’s the other way around.

Be vigilant of your rights. You have rights as a citizen but no government is going to protect it indefinitely. You have to remain aware politically, as well as contribute to this society. Get rid of this victim mentality and be an agent of change.

He concluded by reiterating his five Cs (Confidence, Critical Mind, Communication, Consistency, Creativity) and added a bonus C of Courage. There was Q and A session afterwards, on which his answers to the questions on hijab, the unfriendly (or not) media and the myth of conflict between Western and Islamic beliefs were outstanding.

It was a 2 hr talk and I am not doing justice to his really excellent speech as there are far more points and specifics that he delved into. Besides, as I said, some women really look different in hijab. Distractions, distractions!

Crappy Tire

I recently needed to buy a bike rack for my car. With the onset of summer, I have been actively biking around a lot lately, and Toronto is a great city for scenic bike trails. With this intent, I went to Canadian Tire.

The store near our place was being renovated, so the usual organization of stuff was lost. I went to the "Bikes" section and could not see the rack. Then I went to the "Auto" section. Similar results. No rack.

After searching helplessly for a few minutes,I flagged down one sales lady.

"Excuse me," I asked her, fully oblivious to what I was saying, "Do you have a rack?"

It took a full minute before I understood why the buxom lady was giving me the look. A minute during which I repeated, "A RACK! Do you have a RACK?" and then gestured with my hands for good effect.

Oops!

Ex-Squeeze me, lady?

Blogmeet at Pickle Barrel

Me: Please, be good.

My Hair: No. I was good for two days.

Me: Really?

Hair: Yes. I was good on Friday because Nowal was coming to town and your friends were throwing a dinner. I was good on Saturday because you were attending Desifest and meeting other bloggers and friends there ...

Me: Aren't you redefining 'good'? You were barely tolerable yesterday ...

Hair: Chup! I was GOOD yesterday, check your pictures. But three days in a row is too much to ask.

Me: No please, I beg you. I am meeting some bloggers today for lunch, I need you to be good.

Hair: Sorry, apparently there is a hadith somewhere that you can only expect hospitality to continue for three days only. I have already accommodated you.

Me: So? Today is the third day. And as for that hadith ...

Hair: Sorry. You are not counting Thursday.

Me: What? I was at work! That doesn't count. Please.... I beg you. Be good today! I am meeting Liya and Ahmed for the first time...

Hair: Sorry. No can do. I am going to look like you slept in a tub of Dabur Amla oil.

Me: You know what. I am gonna drive at 140 km per hour on the highway and let the wind through and completely mess you up.

20 min later: Hair 1. Mezba 0. Rain 2.

SO I had lunch with Ahmed, Samosa, Isheeta, Ruby and Liya.

Excerpt 1:

Isheeta: So which way is Pickle Barrel?
Ruby: This way.
Me (under breath to Ahmed): And we follow directions from a woman ...
Ruby: I HEARD THAT.
Me: Uh oh.

Excerpt 2:

Liya: You are taking a picture of your lunch?
Me: Um, ya.... sorry, it's for my blog.

[something only bloggers will understand]

My lunch a.k.a. 'simulated crap' according to the waitress!

Seafood Salad.

So what can I tell you about those guys(and girls)? They are great. Exceptionally down to earth yet very good and kind hearted people - something that is very rare nowadays. For Liya, her students are lucky to have such a cool teacher. Samosa and Isheeta, you make a dynamic duo. Ahmed, I must say this, even as a straight guy, WHAT BICEPS yaar. And Ruby, you give very good directions.

At the Desifest 2007

If you don't know the lyrics to a Punjabi song, just shout, at every 5 seconds interval, "Oye HOYE!" and you'll be with it. For additional effect, add a "Harippa" every now and then.

Similarly, if you don't know how to dance to the bhangra, simply raise your hand. No wonder Sikhs are such smart people, present everywhere. Their national dance is "Present, teacher".


(Check out the front row.)

If you are Bengali, don't expect any Bengali item on the itinery. Desi = Indian = Punjabi = Bhangra as far as anyone is concerned. Meanwhile, buy the t-shirt 'Bang a Bangladeshi'.

If you are a white guy, PLEASE don't dance the bhangra. Or move to the dhol. Or do ANY SORT of dance. People might clap at you, but we still think you are crazy.


White Dude Dancing.

Guess what Nowal's favourite chocolate is.


(A: It's Cadbury.)

Samosa and Isheeta run into me. I point them to this sign.


No Samosa For You

Apparently, I am not a true desi if I don't like eating bhutta (roasted corn). Now you tell me, does this look appetizing?


Like yours well done?

Meanwhile, going back to our white dancer friend:

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Click here if the plugin (above) is not visible, or for a larger version.

No Below 30 Maids

Renuka Chowdhury, the Indian minister of women and child development, has called for a ban on women under 30 to work as maids in the Gulf in a bid to curb sex trafficking.

While any attempt to improve the lot of poor women and children should be supported, it always vexes me when people try to cure the symptom rather than the disease. If your roof is leaking, you can't put a bucket under the leak and say all is well. Soon the bucket will overflow, leading to spillage on the carpet. Bacteria will grow in the stagnant water. Meanwhile your crack in the ceiling which caused the leak in the first place will continue to grow bigger.

Maids, abuse of maids and sex trafficking occur in the Middle East due to the complex nature of the society living in the oil rich states. First, the very example of the Prophet that is given in order to justify polygamy is completely ignored when it comes to household duties. The Prophet used to patch his own sandals, sew his own garments, searched his garment for lice himself, milked his sheep, and helping his wives with the household chores (Tirmidhi 5822). Yet today, in a typical rich household in the Middle East, there are maids to tend to the household tasks, nannies to take care of the babies, drivers to chauffeur the family, gardeners to tend to the lawn and so on. This culture of laziness has also caused a huge problem in modernizing the country - locals tend to ignore education (as their parents have huge oil wealth anyways). Ironically, the most interested in pursuing higher education with due diligence tend to be the females. So, where a family would require at most one maid, you have a whole army of servants tending to their every need.

Second, there is a superior belief, or arrogance if you will, about the supremacy of one race. This leads to looking down on many others as "rafeek", "miskeen" or what have you. Where else is it part of the culture to attend camel races where the jockeys are kidnapped children from Asia, malnourished to maintain a lower weight, and abused by trainers? Why did no one speak against such a vile and rampant practice for so long? Would any local permit his own kid to be a camel jockey? It is this sense of supremacy, of a feeling of one law for the locals and one for the foreign riff-raff, that ultimately leads to maid abuse.

Third, one has to examine WHY these local boys, sometimes as young as 14, look at the maids with lust. Is society causing unnecessary hindrance to natural inter-mingling of men and women that boys (and sometimes girls) have to resort to unorthodox manners to quench their subjugated thirst?

And finally, the fault must also lie with the governments of the subcontinent that knowingly allows its women to serve as maids abroad. They know they themselves have failed to alleviate poverty, to create employment and to structure social welfare programs. So while they busy themselves trying to legislate who can hug whom or tearing down video stores, they will turn a blind eye to the plight of women and children from their own shores being potentially abused as they just try to feed themselves and their family.

And everyone of them is Muslim!

7 Random Facts Meme

Suroor tagged me here. She wants to know 7 random facts about me.

1. My favourite comic book character is not Spiderman or Superman, but Tintin the reporter.

2. I love Matchbox cars. I love collecting them. So far I have more than 50 of those models and have to hide the collection whenever kids visit the house.

3. If I go on a road trip with my friends and I am not driving, I can NOT go to sleep. I would be consumed by the fear of the incompetence of the current driver. What if he crashes? If I get hit, I won't even KNOW if I am sleeping.

4. At one time, I simultaneously had a pair of lovebirds, a 90 gallon aquarium full of tropical fish, a cat and a hamster in the house.

5. I still have a MacGyver poster on my closet door. So what, he was the best.

6. I am fascinated by the concept of time travel. I think it's possible, but one can only be an observer, not an active actor.

7. Photography is my hobby and I print almost every picture I take. People have a collection of DVDs. I have a collection of albums.

When Talent Meant Something

In the old days, you needed talent to do something. Take for example a mundane tasks such as watching TV.

When we were in the Middle East, during the early days, there were no 24 hour channels broadcasting the latest desi soaps into our homes. All channels were Arabic, started at noon, and showed camel racing for the better part of the day. There was one channel, Channel 33, broadcast from a neighboring country, that showed a Hindi movie every Thursday night (the weekend night there).

Oh, how we would all wait for that movie. By the way, disregard complaints of adults that nowadays Hindi movies have gone too Western and show scantily-clad women in provocative poses. The 80s films all had a dance in the rain with the heroine in a white semi-transparent sari, 1 mandatory titillating rape scene followed by an obligatory maa-ka-doodh-piya-to-bahar-aja scene. In other words, family viewing.

But watching the channel used to be an art - and our family was the expert in that. We had an antenna for catching that elusive channel. Improvisations, such as twisted chicken wire, were added to it to 'boost the signal'. Thursdays our home would revert to something like this with dad calling out instructions:

"Ok you, go there, and twist the wire at a 45 degree angle."

"Alright, now sit at that position, OK? Don't move, and you will rotate with your siblings on every song."

Periodically a tap was needed into the antennae to achieve a clear signal. You had to tap it properly, at the right place with the right force otherwise you would miss the climax of the movie. Weather forecasts came into play, if it was a rainy day a metallic cloth hanger would be added to the wire to amplify the already enhanced signal.


Then came Zee TV. Our Arab landlord decided he too wanted to catch the latest Salman Khan video so we got Zee TV. And life was never the same again. Flip on the TV, the channel was there. All our skills of catching Channel 33 - gone!

Then there was of course the Camera Man Uncle. This uncle used to be seen at weddings, usually by himself, yet he was the most sought-after uncle. He had a huge black camera slung from his shoulders. Every now and then, some overdressed aunty with lots of make up or some young twenty-something girl with lots of jewelery and giggling uncontrollably would approach him and ask him to take a picture of their group of similarly giggling friends. Uncle would arise from his slumber, pretend to think about it for a minute, and then grunt a disinterested 'yes'.

He would then ask the ladies to pose. And scold them because the first picture would always be spoiled by someone. And the ladies, fearful of being on his blacklist, would do their best to oblige his strange requests, such as "You, come in front. You! to the side. And bhabi, you! to the centre please."

And then of course the girls (or ladies) would bug him for days after until he got to developing the prints. And they would be given, again with a remonstration of why they are not good subjects for pictures and when, back in the day when he was in Bombay, he could shoot Sri Devi and why she was a perfect model.

Nowadays, this uncle has been emasculated by the digital camera. Even my kid brother has one!

"Hey, take our picture, please." [At least he said 'please']

All of a sudden, as you are at a wedding wondering how to bypass the food line, when a camera with numbers such as Zikon 23.5 OPS23/22 is thrust into your hands. You take the picture. Criticism rather than thanks follows.

"Oh man, my eyes are closed. You didn't even say 1-2-3! You just went 1-2-click! Who DOES that? Here, take it again!"

And then, some other kid interrupts, "Oh don't worry. I have Photoshop x.z It has a program for handling bad pictures. We just have to correct the lighting co efficiency by a factor of 0.45, and increase the RGB value of the picture, with slight focus on increasing the R part." And off they go.

Sigh! The 80s.

The Tech Letter

Please explain the following to me.

From: Tech. Support Group.
To: Me.

We have analyzed the error report and regret to inform you that the Microsoft Wireless Notebook Optical Mouse 3000 you purchased is incompatible with Windows XP Service Pack 2. It's a known software issue. The problem can be rectified by upgrading to a more compatible mouse.

Last time I checked, Microsoft made Windows, right? You would think their software would be compatible with their own hardware ...

Lameass Conversations of The Week - 3

"How do you know," my fellow Torontonian cousin asked me, as we all gathered in Ottawa for a family reunion, "that we are no longer in Toronto?"

"Hmm," I pondered, "how?"

"When you realize that white people are really the majority in this country, and brown people a minority, and the fact that there actually exists Canadians who speak French."

* * *

I read an article that said "a mother's cells can migrate to her fetus and remain long after baby grows up" as thus:

Cells can migrate from mother to fetus and remain in their new home long after baby becomes an adult. A number of researchers are now investigating whether these cells cause disease or fight it, and whether most of us are living with our mothers and don't know it. [the Globe]

"Wow, this is a cool article," I thought as I emailed it to my mother, along with a message "Happy Mother's Day".

Mom emailed back, "Thank you, but remember you have to mow the lawn, water the garden, wash the car and vacuum the house."

"Tomorrow," I emailed back.

"Hmm," Was her reply, "I think you got more of your father's cells than mine."

* * *

"Remember," My Extra-Methodical-Aunt told her 10-year-old daughter, "as soon as the salesperson sees that you like it, he will try to increase the price. He knows he's got you! So be nonchalant, aloof, and talk to me in Bengali if you like what you see."

"Mom," Vexed daughter replied, "we are going to a garage sale!"

Link: Previous Lameness

Tasneem Khalil's Arrest

I was away in Ottawa so did not have the facilities to post on this - but as I write this, Tasneem Khalil has now been freed. It was an extra-ordinary 24 hours that saw the mainstream media in Bangladesh silent on the arrest of such a notable journalist, while it was his blogger colleagues around the world who rallied behind him and lobbied to secure his release. His crime - Khalil wrote a Human Rights Watch report about the elite Bangladeshi security forces and its alleged participation in torture and extra-judicial killings.

Both CNN and BBC carry a good background to his story. When the new military backed government took power in Bangladesh and vowed to root out corruption, all of us ordinary Bengalis rejoiced. We should have known "history repeats itself". When Musharref ousted Nawaz Sharif, the Pakistanis who were tired of corruption masquerading as democracy rejoiced at 'accountability in politics'. Today Pakistan is no better than it was on that fateful day when the military took over in Islamabad.

The only difference in Bangladesh is that the military is behind the scenes, hiding under the facade of a caretaker government that had long forgotten what its purpose was - to weed out corrupt politicians and hold democratic elections.

The English have a saying - 'absolute power corrupts absolutely'. It seems to fit Bangladesh aptly.

For more information and links visit Rezwan.

On Turkey, Desis in Canada

On Turkey:

Whenever I read about Turkey nowadays, and the problems they are having with electing a President, I keep reading about one thing.

The ruling party's candidate for President, Abdullah Gul, has a headscarf wearing wife.

What the f*** has this to do with anything? She wears a hijab, doesn't wear a hijab, how does this affect his Presidency? Why is a woman's cloth given so much importance?

You know, it's all well and good to fight for the right to be not forcible hijabified, which is what they are now claiming Turkey's women are afraid of. But what about those women in Turkey, in France, in Germany, who want to wear the hijab and cannot? Who speaks for their lack of freedom?

On Desis in Canada:

The Toronto Star recently launched a magazine exclusively for South Asians in Toronto, called Desi Life. One of the people interviewed for one story was this blogger, and that article is here.

Beware of these hijabis

Also, I always believed it is sunnah to know how to defend yourself in a fight. Hail the Ninjabis.

Meaning Of Words

One of my cousins visited us recently and we went to one of his friend's place. The guy had a cute one and half year old daughter called Shoma. She always had a smile on her face and you could see in her eyes that she was a mischievous kid. Since I didn't know anyone there, and my cousin and his friend were mostly reminiscing about their (now long past) school days, it was Shoma and me. And her grandma, who never got tired of telling me exactly what Shoma's latest word was since this morning. Shoma brought along ALL of her toys to me (according to her grandma, she never does this).

I have noticed kids either love me or hate me. Much like girls.

So the father comes into the room to see me pretending to listen to grandma, feigning interest in Shoma's dolls and trying to watch the Raptors game. So he decides he has to make a remark, and goes, "Wow, Shoma's taken quite a shine to you!"

"Yes," I replied without thinking, "she's very cute. I think she'll be one impish girl when she grows up."

"Impish?" The father raised an eyebrow. "Never heard that word before. What does it mean?"

"Oh," I paused to reflect.

Now all of you who are brought up in the British school system or in an English speaking country know what "impish" means, right? In this context it means "naughty in a cute way", "playful", or "teasingly mischievous". I told him so.

It's a nice meaning, right?

"Oh, ok." He smiled and left. I thought that was that, and went back to watching the Raptors blow an 85-71 lead.

"Wait," the father had suddenly returned. He had in his hand a dictionary.

Can you imagine that? Who takes something a guest says and then goes to check it in a dictionary? Hello? Didn't I just tell you what it meant? No, you had to go bring a dictionary and then find the word again in front of me. And it wasn't your Oxford Junior English dictionary either. It was - get this - Samsad English-Bengali dictionary. Written by some Bengali guy, with probably no knowledge of context, common usage or common sense for that manner.

This is what the father read aloud.

Imp. In common folklore, evil fairy or devil child. Adjective: Impish. ...

I guess this is one child whose birthday party I won't be invited to in the future.

The Aunty's Gripe

I thought this only happened in an old joke, but the following incident truly occurred!

An Aunty had come to visit Mom. Following is a snippet of their conversation.

"So, has your new daughter-in-law moved in?" Mom asked. She didn't know what she was getting into. "Didn't she get admitted to Ryerson?"

"Oh, yes. She did." Aunty replied, straightening herself into 'complain' mode. "You know, sometimes I wish we had spent a little bit longer in getting my son married. We should have continued to look at more prospects!"

"Oh?" Mom tried to fake polite disinterest as she realized where this conversation was heading. Aunty didn't take the hint.

"Yes," she continued. "My daughter-in-law, what can I tell you about her. LAZY NO. 1."

"Ah."

"Yes! She doesn't even get up in the morning to make breakfast for my son! I mean, he has to make his own cup of tea and sandwich and go to work. She doesn't even make lunch for him! Sleeps till 9 o'clock, can you imagine? This is what I get for bringing a girl from Bangladesh!"

"Well ..." Mom was trying, to no avail, to steer the conversation away.

"And another thing," Aunty was on a roll. "You'd think she'd prepare a home cooked dinner for him, but no! Every other day they are going out to eat! I mean, we are home! Sometimes they should eat with us!"

"I heard," Mom finally cut in, "your son-in-law is a gem."

"Oh, absolutely!" Aunty positively started beaming. "He's one in a million. He loves my daughter so much! Princess - that's what he calls her! He doesn't even let her wake up in the morning, says a 'princess needs her beauty sleep' - so cute! Gets up early in the morning to pray Fajr, and makes wonderful tea, and when I visit he makes me my morning tea too! My daughter lives in luxury. You know how good a cook my daugher is, but even then he takes her out for dinner every other day! Such a LOVING husband!"