Monday, March 05, 2007

Calling All Girls Re: CWC

It has come to my attention that some girls have no idea about cricket. Given that the Cricket World Cup (CWC) is beginning in a few days, here's a few pointers to aforementioned friends about cricket.

Vat is Cricket?

In the words of my uncle, Cricket is a vast conspiracy unleashed by the British Empire on their unsuspecting subjects. While the colonies wasted their time playing a game that required 5 days to finish, the British invented soccer (which took 90 minutes). Thus the decline of Eastern civilization can be attributed to the rising popularity of cricket.

Today, of course, we have reduced the game to last just 8 hours ONLY.

And NO, we do not know who is winning at hour # 7.

Vy Are Desis So Good At Cricket?

Cricket requires the batsman to hit the ball and run. The concept of hit-and-run comes naturally to us desis.

Vat Is An Over?

An over is 6 deliveries long. A bowler bowls 6 deliveries at the batsman. Then another bowler comes in. The time between this change of bowlers is the ONLY time you girls can talk to us guys watching the game. Suggested topics of conversation include "what toppings do you want on your pizza" and "do you want fries with that".

Vat Are Things To Avoid?

Girls, do not be corrupted by Western feminists that tell you the best way to bond with your man is to learn about his sport. We men do NOT want to teach you about cricket. We want to revel in your ignorance when the commentator says something like "That shot was better executed, but rather than dissecting the field, he managed to pick out the fielder at fine leg."

Statements by girls that can lead to broken marriages include, but are not limited to:

  • "I want him to score runs. He looks soooo cute."

  • "Is Imran Khan still playing?"

  • "So, how many goals did we score?"

    Cricket Statements That Sound Naughty But Are Not

  • McGrath's balls are lovely to watch.

  • Dravid punishes the opposition by making them chase leather all day.

  • That was a lovely stroke by Tendulkar. He got into it early and held his poise perfectly.

    cmamm said...

    I confess that I have no idea what cricket is. From the glimpses I've seen of it on TV it looks similar to baseball with the whole bat and running thing. But I absolutely hate baseball because its so looooooooooooooooooong and unbelievably boring. I have no idea how people can stand to watch a guy just swing his arm over and over and over and over again. So I doubt I could ever like cricket. That probably means we won't be getting married anytime soon I guess:) So sad.
    Actually to make things even worse, those statements that girls might say are exactly the types of things I say when I'm watching pretty much any sport with my brothers. They of course tell me to shutup leave them alone, and go away. Its a good thing I'm not married to them:)

    isheeta said...

    Still doesn't explain, mezba, about how exactly it works!!!

    8 hours long.... and yet men have the audacity to complain about how long Bollywood movies/songs are! hahahaha!

    "An over is 6 deliveries long. A bowler bowls 6 deliveries at the batsman. Then another bowler comes in".

    Oh. Ok. Um. Hmm. WTH?! You lost me at 'deliveries'. If it ain't delivering babies, what are they delivering? McGrath's lovely balls?


    My friend in India used to talk about some dude called Rahul Dravid/David(sp?). This guy apparently came out the same time as Hritik Roshan. So, is Rahul still playing? More importantly, how hot is Rahul? More More importantly, is he STILL HOT?

    Sorry, its cricket.. and you made a very good point.. its a man's game.. so yes, we can talk about the men in cricket. :D

    I know, isnt that just perfect, girls?!

    isheeta said...

    Oh and... if they had the game on Sat where Pakistan lost against Indians, doesnt that mean they already won? Or is it like the playoffs in hockey?

    sorry for all the q's.. if I'm goign to marry some brown dude that my parents set me up with, I figure its only fair I sound like I know my cricket.

    Btw, do guys in cricket have nice soccer legs? Soccer guys have awesome soccer legs.


    Suroor said...

    You are funny :) God bless you!

    Abu Sinan said...

    Cricket? No thanks. When I lived in England I used to live across the street from the head grounds keeper at King College in Cambridge.

    He was always trying to get me to go this test match or that. If I dont like baseball, which is just a bunch of men playing the women's sport of rounders, why would I like the slower game of cricket?

    I never took him up on the invitation, but we did head to some Saturday footie!

    Salacious Samosa said...

    I went to a cricket match last year in Karachi. India vs Pak... it was so bloody boring I can't even begin to tell you. And I was inflicted with 6 hours of it!

    And now onto more important matters.

    I like how the tiger at the top of your blog has an expression that's frozen in mid-lick. He looks like he's eaten a commentator, hopefully one I won't take the name of becuause Hai rabba who mera keema bana dega...Kya pata shaaid voh Urdu bee bolta hai...

    Did I also tell you that I have not slept since yesterday... oh wow, I am seeing lovley stars and the furniture has begun talking to me.. I hope I finish my paper today otherwise please call the hospital and advise them that I need a pick-up to the local asylum.

    Love you,
    Aunty Samosa

    mezba said...

    cmamm: Oh that's a tragedy. But then I never understood why people watch golf or curling either!

    Isheeta: Just for you, Ishy, I am including this picture.

    Australian crickets at the beach

    Haha! Please consider that I searched for this image at work (lunch hour) - and had to make sure none of the guys saw me search for this!

    Here's a Bengal tiger, or perhaps this in the pool (haha)!

    Isheeta: A delivery is a ball bowled by the bowler at the batsman.

    Rahul Dravid is still playing - he is now the captain of India. The game on Saturday was just a friendly one-off between players who have recently retired from the game.

    Suroor: God bless you!

    Abu Sinan: No! Cricket is not a woman's game. Not many men can stand for 8 hours with devoted concentration, whether batting or bowling or fielding. Cricket requires a huge set of skills - mainly hand/eye coordination - which is why cricket players are often good at squash, golf or tennis. Today's professional cricketers are amongst the fittest in the world. The only unfit players (probably) are the spinners.

    Samosa: haha. You are girl. Enough said.

    *mezba runs for cover*

    I love the tiger too! As far as I am concerned it's a tigress coz I keep looking at it all the time. You lower your gaze aunty!

    I slept very well last night actually. Went to bed at 7 and woke up at 7. That may be because I had been up for 36 hours on weekend but that's another story.

    Anonymous said...

    Gosh! I still don't understand cricket. The other game that I can't *stand* is baseball!!!!My husband tried to explain the game but he lost me half way.....
    I love(d)soccer when I was in high school(sigh),now, I just don't want to watch any of it, coz on wknds,my husband is glued to it and his *talk* doesn't make sense!!!!The good thing about soccer is that I understand it and I can sit and talk about it(if am in the mood) sf :)

    cmamm said...

    On an unrelated note I must second Isheeta's "Soccer guys have awesome soccer legs" comment. So absolutely true. Its what makes watching it completely worth while:D

    'liya said...

    Hey!! LOL

    But what's wrong with saying "So, how many goals did we score?" - wouldn't that show that we're interested and isn't that a good thing?!

    I agree with some of the other comments, I feel this way about pretty much any sport! Though I do like soccer... but not for the game... I think 'clothes make the sport' and male soccer players have the nicest outfits (um uniform?) :D

    Athena said...

    cricket sucks :P

    and one of my friends has been bugging us all to listen to him about cricket and LEARN all about it. At least some guys want us to know about it hmff (even though I'm begging him to shutup) hehe

    I suppose I should explain why I believe cricket sucks. Other than the fact that it's boring, everyone in Bd wasted my last Eid in Bd watching cricket :@. That was 10 years ago and I knew then that that was going to be my last Eid in Bd for a looooong looong time :(

    maryam said...

    the overs thing, is that from a one day-er or test series? coz i've always thought an over constitutes 10 deliveries.

    Sonia said...

    heh you've got an amusing uncle:

    "Thus the decline of Eastern civilization can be attributed to the rising popularity of cricket."

    hah ha.

    interesting. so how does it play out in class terms then..let's see. Football started off as a working class sport..the upper classes were busy playing cricket or lawn tennis. ( or sailing off abroad to spread cricket around the colonies)

    now everyone has to work, no more 'leisured upper classes' per se and the footballers are raking in millions...

    isheeta said...

    *waking up from her pool of drools*

    thank you, mezba, I had nice dreams of cricketers because of you. :D

    man, they are all SO HOT to trot!!!

    i am now going to follow cricket. starting with the link u sent me heh heh.

    Shoaib Muhammad said...

    Well portrayed cricket lesson! Keep it up :)

    Anonymous said...

    So yeah football?

    tanna said...

    lol, so that is why desis are good at cricket, from all that hit and run practice they get

    lol, niiiiice :P

    mystic-soul said...

    What is the male cricket and female cricket?

    MALE Cricket: short leg between 2 long leg.

    FEMALE cricket: Gali between 2 fine legs.


    AKA said...

    My dad is a huge cricket fan and I've tried to listen to him describe the rules while watching a games when I was younger, but each time I'd watch the next game, I forgot a lot of the rules he explained before! But I must say (though it may be a little embarrassing to admit) that I learned much of what I know now about the game from the Bollywood move Lagaan - that movie was like the Mighty Ducks of Indian cinema! You got to follow the story and learn a little bit as the characters in the movie learned as well :)

    Khulud said...

    I don't know why EVERYTHING has to take such a nasty and dirty turn.

    Just a thought!

    Rawi said...

    "Cricket is a vast conspiracy unleashed by the British Empire on their unsuspecting subjects."

    Nope. Cricket is the chicken come home to roost! It's when the colonized is better at what the colonizer taught him.

    Karim said...

    Congratz man... BD team beat NZ in warm up match !!!

    Enyur said...

    This was hilarious!!! By the way, I noticed you're in Toronto too...did you watch the match at Rogers Centre over the weekend?

    Enyur said...

    Err...sorry I guess I should've read your previous post! :p

    Anonymous said...

    *wanders off even MORE confused about cricket*

    mezba said...

    sf: I can't stand baseball either! But I am a purist who thinks it's just a flawed copy of cricket.

    cmamm: I will take you girls' words for it.

    Liya: *sigh*

    Cricket has runs, soccer has goals. They are like points. lol.

    Athena: imagine if we go to the second round! You will never hear the end of it!

    Maryam: An over was always 6 deliveries. And it's both ODI and test.

    And I thought you were an Aussie!!!!

    Sonia: these English were smart people. so Football has directly contributed to democracy and levelling off of the upper class.

    Isheeta: hehe

    Shoaib: lol.

    Ruby: Ok you I have to still convert.

    Tanna: Desis are also good at anything that requires taking a stick like thing and hitting a ball like object - squash, cricket, hockey...

    Mystic-soul: :-O

    good one.

    Aka: Lagaan is one of my all time favourite movies. I have a 2 disc set plus Dil Chahta Hai - a truly collector's item.

    Khulud: hehe... I blame... Shane Watson.

    Rawi: now it is.

    Karim: I know. I can hardly believe it - it was so close though.

    Enyur: yes!

    anon: *wonders off thinking who the anon is*

    Anonymous said...

    LOL :D :D about taking comments completely "out of context"!!

    and gosh..going through these comments I realized two things :
    i) there are soo many cricket haters, and
    ii) I thought I left "long" comments on other's blog posts..until now!!
    I've read essays, I must admit :D

    mezba said...

    Now I can't wait for summer for cricket to start!