Should Kids Be Banned From First Class?

 
As a dad who just flew halfway across the world with two young boys, I can tell you that flying with kids isn't easy. While the older one kept himself busy with movies and games and toys (thank you Emirates!), the younger one couldn't understand why he was cooped in that small place without any seat (that's why we flew when you are less than two, kid, coz it's cheaper!).

I think 8 hours was our longest flight (Toronto to London) and it was the maximum we could really handle. We broke up our flight to India into pit stops. Couple of days in London, some days in Dubai, and then to India, and same on the way back. And I think this kept us sane; we wouldn't have been able to handle a 15 hour direct flight back with a screaming infant. And then a screaming toddler because the screaming infant bit him. Fun!

So when I read on the news about a bunch of passengers miffed about a crying baby in first class (and Delta's awful reaction to that), I could understand. You paid $10,000 to ride first class, and you want to ride in comfort. Screaming baby, especially someone else's screaming baby, does not equal comfort. Though if you paid that much for a Delta seat of all airlines I really have to question your logic, I mean Delta?!!

But you know what, deal with it. You paid for your seat, not someone else's. An aircraft is a shared place and there's all types of people. Just like the uncle who keeps burping in the mosque (and who I really want to take out ban, but can't), you have to tolerate noises from other folks that are discomforting to you.

One flight I spent next to someone who wouldn't take the hint and kept trying to make conversation with me (in case you can't tell, I am an introvert kind of person on a flight, and also not on a flight). Another time this lady behind me did nothing to control her wild toddler who kept kicking my seat. That's what goes on in a public space - you have to deal with inconveniences.

I have noticed this same trend go to other discussions, such as the insane proposal to ban strollers on public transit. Now, granted, some strollers look like SUVs, and some inconsiderate moms really just "park" their stroller at the entrance while blocking the pathway on the bus for others, but most are simply ordinary folks trying to use the public transit just like you and me.

I am often trying to sleep on the subway ride home, but sometimes there's two chatterboxes who sit adjacent to me and talk in a loud voice all the way. I mean, like, you know, it's like ... what the hell .. you spend the entire Islington to Kennedy talking about nothing. But you can't really start implementing "quiet zones" on the TTC subways.

So if a parent wants to pay and take their screaming kid on first class, why not. Deal with it.

Most Irritating South Asian Habits

Don't misquote me - being South Asian is a great thing. I used to joke with my wife that there are two types of people in this world. Desi - and those who wish they were desi.

Of course, being the huge multi cultural amalgam that South Asia is, there are some ... shall we say ... extremely irritating habits that we have that I absolutely, with all my heart, hate. So let's be controversial and list them.

1. Not taking off your shoes or sandals when entering someone's house.

I am going to call out the ladies here. What's with NOT TAKING OFF YOUR SANDALS when you come into someone's house? I know you spent a lot of time putting on your sari and getting the pleats right while wearing your sandals to match for the height, but please take off your bloody sandal when you step foot into the house!

I have decided to stop being polite on this issue and just call out people who do not take off their shoes when entering my house (politely, of course in a passive aggressive manner, we are still Canadian) by sending this article to them in their mail.

2. Picking up someone's baby when clearly you shouldn't.

Humanity, as a whole, have a thing for babies. We love to cuddle them, hug them, pick them up, kiss them, and say nonsense words to them. It's overall a good thing, and no doubt plays a part in the propagation of our species. However this is NOT a good idea when you have a cold and are sneezing and full of germs and antibiotics.

At a party recently this aunty who clearly had the sniffles (btw why are you EVEN AT THE PARTY? Couldn't you call and cancel since you clearly are spreading germs all over but I digress...) wanted to pick up my baby son because she was seeing him after a long while and how much he has grown etc. etc. That's where I stepped in and said, "But aunty you have a cold."

That should have been enough but like a bulldozer that mated with a rhino the comment clearly did not penetrate her consciousness and she replied, "Oh it's just nothing. I don't even have fever any more."

That's when I said, "No aunty, I would prefer you not touch him."

Further discussion was prevented when my son so helpfully decided at that point to burst out crying and shrieking with all of his power so I deftly exited the room with him and deposited him with his mother. Good timing, son!

When I returned I overheard aunty saying to someone (another aunty), "Oh nowadays these kids read too much from online. In my day ..."

3. The Weight Watchers Club

No, this isn't the club of uncles and aunties who are trying to lose weight (although they really could). No, this is the cabal (yeah, that's the right word) of uncles and aunties who have noted down with precision what you used to weigh at a certain point in time and how much you have put on from that time till today. I have written about them before.

I think one day I will really lose it if some uncle tries to make some comment.

"Oh, so you seem to have put on some weight ..."

"Oh, so your daughter is going out with a white boy ..."

4. Not Showing Up For Time. Ever. Even For Your Own Wedding.

I get a wedding card and this is really how it reads.

6 pm
Arrival of the guests.
6.30 pm
Entrance of the Bride and Groom.
7 pm
Nikah Ceremony
7.30 pm
Cake cutting ceremony and speeches
8 pm Skit by the couple's friends and relatives
8.30 pm
Dinner

And this is how I edit it.

6 8 pm
Arrival of the guests.
6.30 9 pm
Entrance of the Bride and Groom.
7 930 pm
Nikah Ceremony
7.30 10.30 pm
Cake cutting ceremony and speeches
8 pm Skit by the couple's friends and relatives  rescheduled after dinner
8.30 11 pm
Dinner


I think this post is to be continued ....

Junaid Jamshed, Blasphemy and Misogyny

So Junaid Jamshed, the famous former-singer-turned-preacher from Pakistan is now in trouble. One short clip from one of his many lectures has now gone viral. Here, Jamshed recounts a story that happened to Aisha and her husband the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

Aisha was the favourite of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and would always try to seek his attention. One day she decided to fake illness by wrapping a towel around her head.

“What happened, what happened?” inquired Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).

“Ah, my head is bursting with pain!” she complained.

To which, he said, “Oh Aisha, if you were to pass away, the Prophet of God would personally offer your funeral prayers. How fortunate would you be!”

She stood up at once and raged, “This is what you ardently desire - that I die, so you could spend more time with your other wives!”

Jamshed goes on to say that the nature of women cannot be changed even by Prophet.

Now apparently this is a blasphemy as per Pakistani laws. A blasphemy against the character of Aisha, the Mother of the Faithful, may Allah be pleased with her.

First of all, I don't think the story is correct. I remember reading about this particular incident, and it happened during the last few days of the life of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He was sick, he was on his deathbed, and he entered the room of his beloved wife Aisha. She too had fallen sick, and she was complaining "My head! My head!". So then he told her, "Nay! It is I who has to cry my head! My head!"

And then Aisha complained, "Ah, my head is bursting with pain!”

To which, he replied with tenderness, “Oh Aisha, if you were to pass away, the Prophet of God would personally offer your funeral prayers. How fortunate would you be!”

And then she playfully gave the reply, "And that is what you want! After you bury me, you will return to the house and spend your time with another wife!"

The story completely changes here - rather than someone seeking attention and pretending to be sick, this is a story of a loving back-and-forth between a couple who are comfortable and romantic with each other. It's a beautiful story of love.

So Jamshed, in an attempt to portray the allegedly "frivolous and fragile nature of women that even the Prophet couldn't change", twisted this story around to make Aisha an attention seeking woman.

Second, even if we give Jamshed his version of the story (which is wrong), is it blasphemy? The people around the Prophet, such as members of his own family, were human after all. They all had human failings. Sauda, his second wife, once made a comment after the Battle of Badr that the Prophet corrected, as it was a comment of Jahiliyyah. There was an anti-Semitic comment directed once at his wife Safiyya bint Huyayy, who was of Jewish origin, by another wife - which he also corrected. It is not blasphemy to say the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) sometimes made minor human mistakes for which they were forgiven by Allah, and which serve as examples for us.

And finally, are we so caught up on what Junaid Jamshed said about Aisha, that we completely ignore his sustained record of misogyny and disrespect towards women?

Now I first saw Junaid Jamshed when he came to Muslimfest in 2011.

He gave some speeches and talked about a few incidents from the life of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), sang some nasheeds and closed of with Dil Dil Pakistan, which the crowd loved. He repeated the act every time he was invited to Muslimfest subsequently. One could be forgiven for thinking he is a scholar of the seerah or someone who has studied extensively on religion.

Here is an interview where he is telling men not to teach their wives driving. He is praising himself for not teaching his wife (coincidentally also named Aisha) driving, and he tells men that one good thing they will do is not let their wives drive. The interviewer then asks what if a woman has no one to drive her (her husband has died and she has no relatives to help her out or they are busy), is she to remain helpless and not drive. To which Jamshed of course has no answer but then says this is just a hypothetical situation and he doesn't answer hypotheticals.

Jamshed of course has done a lot of good and called a lot of people to Islam. We can take the good from him and ignore the bad. But let's call out the bad - the misogyny and the shaming of women. In the offending video, for which he is now charged with blasphemy, he goes on about the nature of women.

He is of course a product of his culture and Pakistani culture isn't one where a woman is empowered. But that is of course not Islamic culture, and today we have forgotten that. The average Muslim has outsourced the religion to these pseudo-scholars and ignored learning of their own religion and history. it used to be that Islamic scholars were experts in both science and religion, and were the smartest of the class. Today, it's usually the low achievers and failures of the class that are hustled into the madrassahs and religious schools. So when these scholars say something bogus (such as woman cannot drive), then the average (and now) ignorant Muslim doesn't have the knowledge to fact check this. And when these scholars are given to positions of power (a sign of the Last Days), they make laws to that effect. So religion, rather than becoming a solution, is now the problem.

Our religion and culture is one that produced Umm Salamah, who set out on a camel to travel alone from Makkah to Madinah. It has Nusaibah, a woman who took the oath of Aqabah and fought in the Battle of Uhud with a sword, and fought in subsequent battles after. Our history includes Khawla bint Thalabah, whose complaint against her husband was heard by Allah and is mentioned in Surah Mujadilah, and whom the Caliph Umar used to listen to respectfully as she lectured him on Islam.

Let us not use the hullaballoo over a stupid blasphemy law in Pakistan (which is used mostly to settle scores with minorities and make their lives miserable - a sad fact of history in Pakistan) to excuse the bigger problem at play - the misogyny in the culture that holds back half the population and forces on them a false understanding of male privilege in the guise of religion.

Love Astaghfirullah

I just read this piece on Love Inshallah.

The Single Girl's Survival Guide for Desi Weddings
http://loveinshallah.com/2014/10/08/desi-surivival-guide/

Remember, these are the same folks that raised a huge ruckus when I said women (and men) in Islam should marry early, and there's nothing wrong if you set criteria (such as looks, age etc.) as long as you put piety first.

Now, remember that was my view, and I would like to think it's also the Islamic view (marry early). Some of these women replied on how un-Islamic that was, what was wrong with desi marriage itself, what was wrong with me etc. They kept bringing up the example of Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) - how I wish they would really read up on her! There was even a disrespectful twitter hashtag going around ‪#‎whatwouldkhadijado‬ if you can believe it.

Now go ahead and read this lady's post.

The world she is describing is an alien world to me.

A world where desi uncles and aunties are the chief enemy. A world where a woman is content with random dates and marriage is far down the priority list. A world where women are so insecure they clutch their husbands possessively (her words, not mine). A world where you can take a fake date to a wedding. A world where you share a magical "first" kiss a dozen times over with dudes who may not figure in your life after that one day.

It's fine if you want to live in that world. It may even fit your social values fine. Just don't call it "Islamic". And don't bring up the name of Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) when you want to justify your lifestyle.

7 Irritating Things Brown Uncles Say To Slightly Heavier Younger People

Now, I am not exactly Brad Pitt. And I also don't have a six pack (well technically I do, but it's not showing up). And I am not also exactly in shape (unless you count cutish-oval as a shape).

However, I don't also need 2 seats on a bus nor do I need to wear a thobe ala Homer Simpson style to hide my pounds. I am somewhere at that happy stage where I don't eat all the time, but when I am hungry, and I go to the gym or work out when I want to, not because I have to post about it on Facebook.

However, tell that to brown uncles, who all think they are certified personal physical trainers (despite the fact that some of them wouldn't last 1 lap at the pool). Here's some oh-no-you-just-didn't-say-that things that brown uncles say to younger brown men that they would never say to a white guy. And not just brown uncles. Cousins. "Well-wishers". Co-workers. This is to all of you.

1. You seemed to have gained some weight.

Tumi to ektu mota hoye geso.

Oh gee! Seriously! OMG! I didn't notice! I mean, the jeans I bought five years ago don't fit anymore (and that I kept out of some morbid hope that I would go back to five sizes), but I was so blaming the washing machine and the recently cold weather for shrinking my clothes. Thank you so much for this revelation! I mean, I didn't know AT ALL that I am not exactly in shape since 1990 but now I do!

And what do you mean seem? Don't you trust your eyes?

2. You know, you should join the gym.

No way! Really?!! No I totally didn't think of that one.... thank you for suggesting something so earth shattering!!! Btw, I am assuming you are going to foot my $55/month plan, and personal trainer costs ... ? Hello? BTW have you seen your wife, the Brown Aunty? Also known as The Bus?

3. Wow, 2 glasses of Coke!

Ei boyoshe ektu control dorkar.

Hey! No one really NEEDS that extra glass of Coke (or even that first glass) but you know what. I am going to drink it ANYWAYS because Goddamnit it's refreshing and I don't care how many chain letters you forward about how Coke can dissolve the Great Wall of China or firefighters use it to clean their hoses. It's Coke and I WANT IT.

4. Have you lost weight?
Either you are suffering from severe eye sight issues, or dementia, or you are a pathological liar. Just. Please. Stop commenting on other people's weight. Just don't.

5. You’d look better if you were thinner.

Tumi jodi ektu chikon hoita tahole to hero lagta.

Hey, I have seen myself naked in the mirror, and I LOVE me. I am sure I could look much better but hey, I could also have scared small children. Which I don't, just FYI. So, yeah, whatever. Someday we all will die and for sure we will get thinner after that. Don't know about the looks though. Speaking of morbid things ...

6. I heard the other day a 30 year old complete healthy and fit man had a heart attack!

That's good, as I am definitely not 30 years old any more ...

7. You should start eating healthy. How about sticking to salads only.

OMG someday I will punch the person who will say that to me! Jibone kokhono salad khao nai, and now they are a nutrition expert.

And as if Salad is the ONLY healthy food. Most brown uncles who say this are either eating horrible deep friend ground beef samosas themselves or are married to chiria aunties who have never been overweight a day in their lives and still think they look like Suchitra Sen after 2 tonnes of make up.

Wow.

I guess I should be happy I am not a girl. They get asked even weirder questions.

How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding - Part 2

Following on from Part 1.

Rule Number 6
If you have seating arrangements, let it be known. Especially to the parents of the bride and groom.

I have been to weddings where they hired a fancy wedding planner who (claimed to have) made seating arrangements for 600 people. Except no one knew what it was; there was no big printed board informing people of their table number, or people to guide you to your seats. And on top of that, you ask the clueless clearly hassled parents of the bride and groom, and they tell you "Oh, you can sit where you want". Except that when you do, the bridesmaids get their panties in a knot because you committed the grand crime of seating at a "reserved" table.

Here's a corollary - if you invite 600 people (see rules 1 and 2) you don't need a seating plan.

Rule Number 7
Do not have a Quran Recitation in the middle of a disco.

"Alright, let's begin our evening with the obligatory recitation of Surah Rum."

"Now, everybody, on the dance floor! Let's welcome the bride and groom with the biggest, loudest, bhangra, EVER!"

Like, seriously? Not even a filler?

Rule Number 8
Do not discriminate guests by their skin colour.

If you take all the good tables and sit white people there because you know, they are WHITE and need special attention at a brown wedding, even if you have hardly known them as long as your own folk, you are a fob.

Know who your people are (black, white, Asian, brown no matter) and sit close friends and relatives at the good tables. They were there for you when you were trying to hide your boyfriend "good" friend from your father.

Rule Number 9
A gate dhora is an ancient tradition.

Speaking of said white people, do you know what scares them the most? The groom is entering the hall, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN there's this huge mob of people at the gate and they are all shouting! I have seen some of them take out their cellphones and start to video the commotion. Little do they know this is the ancient custom of "gate dhora".

Desis it seems are the best when it comes to this business. The custom of "gate dhora" perfectly combines their inherent skills of mathematics, cheapness, shouting and diplomacy, an all in one. Indians are the masters in this: "This amount is how much you love the bride" or "this amount shows how much you value yourself"! How do you argue against that!

Note to folks arranging the wedding: Always agree beforehand on the amount, and always, ALWAYS, have an adult to supervise the kids. We desis play cricket, so we don't have soccer riots, but we do have gate dhoras.

Rule Number 10
If you say "I am going to keep it short", please mean it.

Really, the only one who is allowed to make a long speech is the father of the bride.

If you invite 600 people, you should know that not everyone is there to listen to your best friend going on, and on, and on, about your road trip in the final year.

There's only so many times you can use "and one more thing" in a speech. The phrase "before I finish" should be uttered exactly BEFORE YOU FINISH. Not before you add "and last but not the least".

Happy Weddings, everyone!

How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding - Part 1

I attended a lot of weddings this summer, mostly desi weddings. If you don't know how desi weddings work, here's a primer. Now, in the interests of preserving sane-ness amongst desis, I give you (for free) my 5 tips on How To Have A Perfectly Sane Brown Wedding.

*start*

Rule Number 1
If you invite 600 people, make sure the hall can, oh-I-don't-know, HOLD 600 people.

This is your wedding. If you can afford to invite 600 people, then PLEASE get a big hall. Don't think "half won't show up" and "we don't need air conditioning in Canada".

Here's a rule: 600 people = 600 chairs (minimum).

Rule Number 2
You know, you don't REALLY need to invite 600 people.

It's wedding, not a Facebook invite to a teenager's party. Brown people invite EVERY body, lest someone get offended. Sure, you may not have seen me for 10 years, but you will be offended if I don't invite you to an event where you will be ignored for the whole 3 hours because there's 599 other people who want to take a photo with me.

And here's some information for desi parents: "Mr & Mrs." is good enough. You don't NEED to add "and family" to John in the cubicle down the corridor whom you have never known but feel obliged to invite anyways.

Rule Number 3
Please Vet All Wedding Speakers, including the imam/priest.

So here's the situation. I attend this wedding where the food has NOT been served and there's a whole bunch of white people also in attendance (and being fussed over by the host) while the brown guys run riot and throw seating arrangement plans out the window (including PHYSICALLY lifting chairs and taking it to another table AND picking out the 'reserved' tag on some tables and chucking it) - when the long bearded imam stands up to speak.

"Greetings and peace be upon you," He starts. "So here is my tip to the newly wed couple. You have certain rights over each other."

And then he goes to entail how the wife should seek the permission of the husband before leaving his house and how she should always submit to him and the husband should break the news gently to his wife if he ever takes a second wife.

By the end of the speech I had learnt that homosexuals should be stoned to death and a couple can enjoy marital relations in any position (minus the exceptions) and how in this society every woman in a short skirt is a temptress and every man has to fend for himself.

All spoken with a very bad accent.

The food then arrived. I had lost my appetite.

Please pay close attention: VET ALL SPEAKERS. VET THEIR SPEECHES. If possible introduce tape delay.

And do NOT stone homsexuals to death.

Rule Number 4
Women Need To Pray Too.

This is more for Muslims but I have seen many weddings where the hosts go to great lengths to make prayer arrangements - for the men. The women? I guess you can pray in your chairs. I get it that some women may not want to pray given their state of ablution and the heavy make up but for those that wish to pray you SHOULD make the arrangements. If you can get a prayer space, the women can just pray BEHIND the women.

But that would make sense.

And while you are about it, can you get an imam who will NOT decide to read Surah Baqarah while leading that prayer? Seriously, Allah revealed short surahs for a reason.

Rule Number 5
Calling For Food By Table Numbers - a primer.

Please, please DON'T DO THIS. It makes sense when there's only 5-10 tables (see Rule number 2 and refer to white weddings as example). It makes NO SENSE when there's 60 tables. And it makes absolutely ZERO sense when you are reading table numbers in some random order of prime factorial and forget to continue after '39'.

Either have a buffet with at least 4 lines (2 tables with people on either side) so it moves fast, or have food brought to the table. If you want some priviledged people to eat first (i.e in-laws or white people at the office you want to impress), AGAIN, bring the food TO THEIR TABLE.

Otherwise, have a free-for-all buffet.

Again, see rule 1 and 2.

*end*

Extended in Part 2 ...

The iPhone Disease

If you are like me, you probably have a lot of friends (usually of the female variety) who are hooked on to their iPhones, swear by it and at every possible moment try to impress upon you as to how urgently you require an iPhone.

Now I can still have my (very) old phone, and an even older plan, as a result of which I would not pay Robbers Rogers a huge hefty monthly bill in data plans, and can concentrate on paying down my even heftier student loan first. However, this post is not about the telecommunications industry in Canada nor a discussion on where the idea of not being online all the time was viewed as common sense, but of a particular and a very contagious disease.

The iPhone disease.

This disease (it can be classified as a mental illness) manifests itself in many ways. Following are some symptoms.

I Have an App For That

Every normal conversation with an iPhone holder is interrupted with this favourite phrase of theirs. For example,

You: "I want to see how Ironman 2 is."

iPhone User: "Oh wait, I can tell you. I have an App for that. It's called Movie Review For Dummies iMovie."

[5 minutes of caressing the iPhone later]

iPhone User: "it has 3.5 stars ..."

You: "Hmm. I have some time to kill. I wonder where it's playing."

iPhone User: "Oh wait, I can tell you. I have an App for that. It's called Theatre For Dummies iTheatre."

[5 more minutes of caressing the iPhone later]

iPhone User: "it's playing in X, Y and Z. Do you want to book tickets? Coz... I have an App for that as well."

Touching the iPhone

Every iPhone user has to touch the iPhone every 5 minutes or less. It's a built in withdrawal symptom. Try it - talk to an iPhone user for 5 minutes and see if they don't whip out the monstrous brick every 5 minutes or less. You may be having a perfect conversation with them but they will still take it out, check something on it and then remark to you, "Oh isn't that funny? Look what Mike posted!"

Do I care what Mike posted? I was talking to you!

If it's not checking their email, or boasting about an app (see above), it's tweeting. Again, you will be having dinner, and the iPhone user will be tweeting:

"having dinner with @so-and-so. #fun!"

Why do you do this? It would be pathetic if not for the other iPhone user tweeting back:

"@iPhoneUser1 you too? Me too! #goodtimes #fun"

It's all an excuse to touch the iPhone.

Comparing Notes

As soon the iPhone user comes into contact with another iPhone user, there is some sort of signal which allows them to ascertain that the other person also belongs to this not-so-exclusive club. They will instantly both whip out their iPhones (see point above) and start comparing notes.

"Oh, what a nice skin."

"Oh, that's a nice screen filter."

"Oh, do you have this app? You must get this app. It tells you how much battery the other apps are using!"

"Oh really, nice! Btw you MUST get this app. It makes snide remarks about anyone not having phone with a data plan!"

"Oh lovely! But you MUST get this latest app. It automatically calculates how much happiness the iPhone is giving you and transfers an equivalent amount of money to Apple immediately."

"SWEET!"

So, if you and your friends have an iPhone, do check that you do not succumb to this deadly disease. It's very curable, I tell you.

- Posted from my iPhone

3 Idiots - Just Good, Not At All A Great Movie (and why Amir Khan is also not the Chosen One)

How was the movie?

Well, before I begin, three things.

First, if you are not into Bollywood skip this post.

Second, if you are going to watch 3 Idiots, watch it and then come back to this post. This is not a review, but a discussion, so I cannot guarantee no spoilers.

Third, if you are are a die hard Amir Khan fan, one who believes He can do no wrong and is the Chosen One and 3 Idiots is the Movie of the Year Decade then perhaps you should skip this post also, as this post makes sense and says some stuff that could be construed as blasphemy in your world.

Er, OK, so how was the movie?

Here's my quick take of the movie. It's a good movie. It entertains 80% of the time. Second half drags on. The twist in the story is unbelievable illogical incomprehensible. Still, overall, it's worth the $10 admission in a theatre and as I said, it's a good movie.

So, what's the problem?

Where I draw the line is when I listen to all this Amir Khan fans who have elevated this (and any thing he does) to unbelievable levels. Yesterday I went to a party and one guy was again saying the same thing and I couldn't take it any more - thus this post was born.

OK, so what exactly does this Amir Khan fan club say?

Well, first, they always say how meticulous and professional Amir Khan is and how realistic are his movies. Well, the first scene of this movie defies any logic.

A guy fakes a heart attack on a plane, makes the plane turn around, runs out THROUGH the airport, THROUGH security, rushes out of the airport and then goes on his business. Even given that this is India, in today's world, is that realistic?

I am not even going into another guy driving from wherever they are to Shimla half naked (yes, no pants). And exactly HOW LONG is a day in India? They flight is aborted in the morning, they drive around the town picking up another guy, they go to their old school, they go to another town 255 km away, then make a u turn and go somewhere else, and then again another city, and still it's just noon or so at the end of the movie!

Well it's just a Bollywood movie!

Exactly! I could accept all this from any movie. But Amir Khan's fanclub makes it as if their movies are the ONLY ones in Bollywood that are completely logical. And so I am nitpicking. I want to show that at the end, Amir Khan is only making a Bollywood movie. I mean, a still born baby comes alive when "Aal Iz Well" is said to his ear!

What other thing does Amir Khan's fan club say?

Well, they go on and on about his acting and how Shah Rukh Khan cannot touch him and why NO ONE ELSE can do this role except the Chosen and Blessed By God Amir Khan...

First, the role Amir Khan played is not a hard role. He will hardly get an Oscar nomination for this. He is playing someone eternally optimistic, always thinking beyond the immediate, fighting convention, the "modern Indian", wise, funny ... same roles.

It's a role he played in Taare Zameen Par, in Lagaan, in Dil Chahta Hain, in Rang De Basanti, in .... you get the point.

Second, R Madhavan has the toughest scene in the movie (when he tells his dad he doesn't like Engineering). Not Amir Khan. What's so hard about getting a hair cut, smiling with your teeth over your lips and saying "Aal Iz Well"?

Third, why do Amir Khan fans always have to put down Shah Rukh Khan to try and prove their Hero Deity is the greatest? They must suffer from some strange form of Inferiority Complex.

Well, at least Amir Khan is original, right?

LOL (that's me really laughing out loud).

The director must be a green person because he has recycled some horrible internet jokes that have gone out as forwards ever since email first started. He truly takes me back to my college days as one of the first forwards I got was "big butt seat" which when reluctantly (or eagerly, can't remember now) clicked upon (before the days of viruses and trojans) would lead to this.


The following still, from 3 Idiots, is however considered "original".



Second, as soon as Boman Irani (that's a whole post by itself) took out the astronaut pen, I groaned. Surely, Amir Khan is not going to tell this joke? But he did.

Oh, and remember the joke about exam papers and "Do you know who am I"? Groan. He put that in as well.

And now, let's come to some other shades of copying. Hero traveling out of the house, getting dressed in a hurry, forgetting his pants. Man! Shah Rukh Khan has done it to death in Dil To Pagal Hain and Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. Even he doesn't do it any more!

And finally, young college student trying to reform old grouchy headmaster whose own child has committed suicide due to the headmaster's fussiness about rules and practicality? Shades of Mohabbatein anyone?

Well, didn't the movie have a social message?

Which is what exactly? I am still trying to understand that. Does Amir Khan say don't study, grades are not important? Why is his grade in the movie first then? What exactly is the whole point of the movie?

On Bicyclists in Toronto

This week, one day, as I was crossing the street, my eyes glanced towards a cyclist who seemed to be veering down the wrong way on a one-way street. Only too late, I realized he was trying to beat the streetcar that was veering down its lane.

WHAM!



Of course it was totally the cyclist's fault. Not only was he going the wrong way, he ran the light and crossed the streetcar when he should have stopped and yielded. And now, he lay motionless on the street.

The streetcar stopped, everyone exited. Other streetcars on that line were now useless. The passengers would have to walk to the next line. The ambulance was there within 5 minutes, and traffic was stopped for sometime. All because one cyclist decided he, and his time, was above the law.

I later read on the news that the man succumbed to his injuries. I felt sad for him. A needless life wasted.

Driving downtown in Toronto has recently become very risky due to cyclists. At times, it feels like Beijing, with the amount of bikes on the road. It would be great if they kept to the side of the road or in the bike lanes. However, they never follow stop signs, traffic laws and ride haphazardly in rush hour traffic. Toronto has 3 near deadly collisions between a bike and a car everyday.

In my opinion they should register cyclists on the road, and force them to pass a basic knowledge test. Drivers are always taught to check their blind spot for cyclists when making a turn. Too bad the cyclists are too busy trying to outrun them instead. In a collision between a three ton vehicle and one person on two wheels, there can only be one winner.

And sadly, one loser.

Why Are We Bad?

It was a rare rainy day in a small sheikdom in the Middle East when I trooped into the mosque to pray Isha. After prayers, I met an older uncle who asked me about my future plans.

"I am going to Canada". I told him.

"Good," he replied. "Go, study and then come back. Don't stay there. It's not a good place for young Muslim men."

I have mused over that for sometime. Even when I go back to Bangladesh, I have seen that attitude from people that somehow, people in Bangladesh are better Muslims then people who live in Canada (or USA). When I went to the UAE, I met people who snobbishly told me, "Why do anyone live in Canada, that too, a Muslim?"

Here are my reasons why I think we Canadians (and the West) are not only better Muslims, but better human beings that those living in "Muslim" lands.

In Canada our buses have spaces for the handicapped.
In Bangladesh you are lucky to make it to the bus stop if you are handicapped.

In Canada we say "Excuse me" when someone steps on our toes.
In Bangladesh we push people out of the way.

In Canada we live respectfully with the Jews and while we disagree on many things, we treat them as our friends and neighbors.
In Bangladesh Jews are the cause of all problems and the reason why there is so much war all around the world and after all, everything is Israel's fault and part of a conspiracy.

In Canada I can pray and fast on my own terms.
In Saudi I am beaten if I am outside on the streets during prayer times.

In Canada we elect our leaders the way Muslims elected Abu Bakr as their first leader.
In the Arab lands ... well, never mind.

In Canada when it is illegal to discriminate against a person based on his skin color.
In Muslim lands it's all about Fair and Lovely.

In Canada I can run my own business and not take interest if I have to.
In Bangladesh I have to pay bribes at every level and not to mention protection money to local hoodlums for every business.

In Canada molesting a women is against the law.
In some Muslim lands molesting a women IS the law.

In Canada we treat work as noble. A labourer at a construction site (work that the Prophet did) is as much a person as a doctor.
In Bangladesh, "they" are second class citizens and not even worth a mention.

We are open minded. We don't think it's a religious duty to beat our women. We don't believe in forced marriages. We don't believe in killing a woman because she doesn't cover her hair or describe them as "meat".

We pay our workers and sue those who don't. We read, discover and broaden our knowledge. We keep an open mind and don't pretend to act on God's behalf. We live peacefully with our neighbors even if they follow a different religion. Or even a different sect of our religion.

So, to reply to that uncle, "you are wrong. It's a great place to be a Muslim."

Music and Its Power

It might sound strange that on a post to deal with music and its power I can't exactly pen how I feel about it.

I like it. I like a good piece of music.

Music has power, of which there is no doubt. And anyone who denies it is denying the truth. Music has the power to move the souls of men.

I find it strange when people barricade themselves against this basic truth. I once met someone who told me "Music is haraam (forbidden) and nothing haram is good."

To me it seems that these people like to seek out anything that is fun and forbid it. They very much seek to enforce the ideology that we have not come into this world to have fun. Their mantra seems "Enjoin what is good and forbid what is fun"!

It is these same people however who have taken hero worship to a new level, especially at nasheed singers! I used to attended RIS until two years ago, and then could not due to schedule conflicts, but one factor used to rile me during RIS - the way some girls believed during the time nasheed singers would come.

These singers were singing devotional songs about the Creator and the Prophet, yet girls were screaming and somehow it was all 'halal'. Same behaviour, replace Outlandish with Junoor or Sami Yousef with Shah Rukh Khan, and the behaviour is suddenly 'haram'!

I appreciate a good piece of music, despite sometimes not even understanding the language. I can appreciate good talent and the hard work that goes into composing. As a blogger and writer I can understand creativity and applaud it.

Currently I am listening to one song in loop-de-loop mode. It's Bandeya Ho from the Pakistani movie Khuda Ke Liye.

In the movie, our hero is attending a music class and the class is given the assignment of partnering with someone of a different culture and language and come up with a composition that is the reflection of both. Bandeya Ho is the result.

I don't understand the lyrics, but the song is great.



Any discussion on music in Islam cannot be complete without mentioning this movie. The arguments at the climax of the movie, presented by the character played by Nasiruddin Shah, cannot be easily refuted.

Yet I have met many people who blanket ban music, despite lots of evidences to the contrary. During one Zakir Naik event I attended, someone from the audience asked him, "Is music haram?"

The scholar replied, "In my opinion anything other than daff music is haram."

Why daff? It's an Arabic drum that the Prophet permitted to be used in his presence.

I immediately thought why is no one asking, the Prophet IS Arab, so obviously his people will use Arabic instruments. What about musical instruments from MY culture? So am I to be subservient to the Arabic culture now?

But this is reality (and is a main reason why I don't respect Zakir Naik a lot). Muslims all over seem to have a cultural inferiority complex to the Arab culture (some of which is not even Islamic!). The most weird "Islamic" song I found posted on one Muslimah's blog was by an Egyptian singer. He was singing a love song to his beloved in Arabic.

One of the girls commented, "This song is so good but Astakfirullah. I am going to pretend the girl and boy in the video are married."

This is the sort of disconnect with reality syndrome that is prevalent amongst many in our community.

Eid, Er, Moooobarak?

Monday is Eid, iA. I have to admit I am feeling a bit like Scrooge - I am finding it tough to get myself hyped up for this Eid.

It's called the Bigger Eid, but I don't know why. I enjoy Eid-ul-Fitr more. A lot more. There's so many traditions with that Eid. A whole month you are in another world, and suddenly you are back. Gifts. Clothes. Visits. So much.

What about this Eid?

Someone told me there is of course the slaughtering of the cow. Er, I can almost hear the song:

Jingle Bells
The slaughterhouse smells,
Cow has had its day ....
In comes the butcher,
Saying ALLAH-u-AKBAR!
And the cow is dead .. hey!

Too bad we don't have any real Eid songs that are popular, eh? I am not even considering some of the childish Nasheeds like A is for Allah ... (c'mon, get more imaginative man!)

My dad does his sacrifice at a farm with another family friend, so in the morning after prayers they head off north for that. I have outsourced my sacrifice to our local butcher, he calls me when it's done and I just go and pick up the meat. My mother has further outsourced it to Bangladesh.

I wish Eid ul Adha could be more .. fun.

Oh well, Eid Moobarak.

Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Go forth and attend Qurbani
Fa la la la la, la la la la

To All Facebook Users

Can you please NOT upload the entire contents of your picture memory card to Facebook? An album is supposed be a few select pictures ... i.e. the GOOD ones. There is no reason to upload three pictures which are exactly the same except one has a closer view of the groom's nose than other ones. Similarly, blurry, out of focus, subject being blocked, etc shouldn't be uploaded. There is no reason to have a "Niagara Trip Album 1" and then "Niagara Trip Album 2" and then till "Album X"... just one album on that should be more than enough.

Can people NOT use the wall as a place to broadcast personal messages. I recently got a mini-feed from a friend's wall-to-wall that included details of her recent breakup, her cat's problems and the other replied with how her mother-in-law hates her. Seriously people, there is something called Private Messaging.

There is a button called the "Ignore" button. You don't need to add EVERY application to your profile so that another person, who is checking out your page, has his browser crash. Grrrrrr!

Instant message on Facebook. I hate it. It's small. It's annoying. I am surfing a page, dammit. Just add me on MSN if you wanna talk.

Can you name your albums something else other than "Random"? Seriously, show a bit of creativity. And "Album That Is Too Cool To Have A Name" doesn't cut it either.

And oh, stop sending me ANY application requests.

Sex and the City - Rant 1

What's the big deal with Sex and the City? I mean, Brian Griffin (Family Guy) apparently summed it up best after watching it with some gay friends: "... so it's a show about three hookers and their mom?"

I admit I watched a few episodes - no, I didn't follow it - just watched it when I switched on the TV and it happened to be on. It's a funny, witty show but if you listen to women everywhere, it has been made out to be some ... Movement ... something bigger than what it is, really.

At it's heart, Sex and the City is no feminist manna - the girls are obsessed with guys and their life is defined by who can successfully get which guy, and if all else fails, you can cure your heartache by buying an expensive pair of stilettos.

For me, Friends was more of a realistic portrait of 30-somethings who are single or leading single life. At least they didn't pretend to be happy and proud of their "love life is DOA" at 30.

In the end, Sex and the City is just another TV show, more often than not funny and entertaining, but just a show nevertheless. It is not meant to be an ideal of how 'professional' women should be.

For pure fun, take a look at the Sex and the Matrix parody.

Please Give Liya Your Support

My friend Liya's uncle is fighting a discrimination case today. Please head over there and give her your support.

This shit really pisses me off, especially after the Vancouver airport taser event.

And what pisses me off even more is the attitude of some people who then go "oh our police can do no wrong the guy must have deserved it, they get a lot of shit for doing their job".

Sidr Anger

It is hard to be a Bangladeshi and not think about Sidr.

First, I was reading an aid worker's diary.

Then there are local policemen, people who are meant to be trustworthy, who are using this disaster for their own ends.

I heard one story of a policeman stroking a young girl's cheek and telling her that if she went with him, he would give her some biscuits.

The girl, who had lost her mother in the disaster, told him that he should bring the biscuits out if he had some.

But how long will they be able to resist these kinds of men?

Doesn't it make your blood boil?

Second, I was reading Rezwan's post on Operation Sea Angel. To summarize, in 1991, Bangladesh was overwhelmed by a huge cyclone. The United States responded on May 10 1991 by launching Operation Sea Angel, a relief operation that involved over 7000 US soldiers, marines, sailors, and airmen. The relief efforts of U.S. troops are credited with having saved as many as 200,000 lives.

Think of this vast number and contrast it with this story. Last month, when I was in Dubai, I was at a store buying some bread, and got talking with the Indian owner. When he found out I was from Canada, he asked me, "so have you seen the California fires?"

Before I could reply, he continued, "Praise be to God! So many people dead and may God kill some more!"

I just ... did not know ... what to reply.

To be honest, it's not a one-way ingratitude. Hardly many people know Bangladesh contributed $1 million in aid to USA (that still sounds funny) during Katrina. Yet on my travels down South, especially in the Bible Belt, people were hardly bothered by what's going on outside their state.

"We should make the Middle East one big glass bowl," said one (it's a slang, meaning "nuke 'em"). "India, Pakistan, what's the difference?" Said another. "You guys are all weird." This was another (and I am not even from one of the two!). This ignorance and callousness goes both ways. Why?

"Bangladesh is being over-run by the militants." Said one New York junkie to me. "I know people are being dragged from their homes by the fundamentalists. They are raping Hindus on the street. We should send in the army."

*shakes head*

I don't know what the point of this post is. I am just upset at the scale of destruction and the callousness of people involved. I guess we can take relief from one thing - in 1991 the death toll was 138,000. This time it's officially 6000 and unofficially 10,000. It seems the early warning system and storm shelters have helped.

International Federation and Red Cross and Red Crescent Society:
http://donate.ifrc.org
Bangladesh Red Crescent Society
A/C No. 01-1336274-01
Standard Chartered Bank
Dhaka Bangladesh

This Dude Bugs Me

After work, if I don't have any studies to do, I usually tend to hang around with a few friends and either go to the gym or play some sports like squash or badminton. Since it's now Ramadan, we time it in such a way so that we can do our game, get a good work out, get a shower and just in time make it to the Multi-Faith center here. The local Muslim Students Association serves free iftar for everyone, and you get to pray your Maghreb prayers in congregation and then break your fast with other people too.

For the last few days I have been noticing a trend.

There's some people there who are clearly NOT fasting. That's ok, people have their own reasons for not fasting. But some people are even not Muslims (you can tell) and some even don't observe the decorum of the place!

For example, there's a guy there who shows up immediately after the prayers. As the volunteers are rolling up the prayer mats, he walks in with shoes. And he is dressed in shorts. SHORTS. For the last few days I have seen him in shorts. He gets his food by standing in line like everyone else. And he always goes back for seconds. ALWAYS.

I mean, I know you have come for the free food. We know you are a free loader. That's ok, most of us have done that over time at many places. But at least observe the decorum of the place! Have some respect for the values of the people you are freeloading off from!

Do I sound like one of those rednecks who scream refugees who come into our country must respect the values of this country and not demand change? Or am I right?

I am Muslim and I was NOT supporting Pakistan

After yesterday's cracker of a World Cup final (India vs Pakistan), I could not believe when Shoaib Malik, captain of the Pakistan team, took to the podium for the presentation ceremony and said this:

"First of all I want to say something over here. I want to thank you back home Pakistan and where the Muslim lives all over the world." [Youtube, 3:08].

Let me make one thing very clear to you, Mr. Malik. You are representing the PAKISTAN team. You are not representing the MUSLIMS all over the world.

It bugs me whenever Pakistanis assume that just because you are Muslim you are going to support their cricket team. Hello - NO! The Man of the Match was Irfan Pathan, an Indian, a Muslim (and son of a muezzin to boot).

Then again perhaps I should cut the Pakistanis some slack. They did just lose a humdinger of a match (the final of a World Cup) to their arch rivals. After all, Shahid Afridi did congratulate "all the Indian nations". I am sure the Cheehahah tribe north of Ontario would be happy to be acknowledged.

What a match! Oh, why was it on a Monday? And the star of the game for the losing side? A certain gentleman with this name.



Ah, what a shot! Then again, since I was rooting for India, this sort of headline on Cricinfo was not good.



Finally, Misbah fell.



Ah, you should have spelled your name a little differently! *cough* use a 'z' *cough*

On another note, after seeing a certain picture from the England-Australia game, I think I now know why Twenty20 cricket is gaining in popularity.

The "Racist" Fishing Cop

I was talking to another Bengali acquaintance of mine. I asked him how his weekend went, and he replied he had gone fishing for salmon to this place in Port Hope, where he had rented a boat with his family. Naturally, I asked him how it had turned out.

"Oh, it was terrible." He replied. "On the top of that, our boat was pulled over by a racist cop and he ticketed all the adults on the boat."

"Wait a minute." I asked, puzzled. "You got a speeding ticket on your boat?"

"No, no." He laughed. "We were fishing without a license."

"OH." A pause, and then, "how much was the ticket for?"

"155 dollars each." He replied miserably. "What a racist cop. There were four or five boats around us, all had white people fishing. The police boat naturally went to the only brown people on the lake."

At this point of course, I had lost any sympathy for him. I mean, it's not a speeding ticket where you are going 20 over, EVERY one does that. Fishing is simple. You go to Canadian Tire, and buy a fishing license - 20 bucks per person for the year. You can't do that - then the cop has every right to give you a ticket. And, as I told him, he was lucky. The police have the authority to sieze a person's car (because it is used to carry the fish home - fish that is now illegal because they don't have a license).

I am sorry - people are trying to be cheap - but in reality you are cheating the government. And for people like me who pay the fishing license, it's good to see cheats being actually caught and punished. And as for the cop being racist - not only could he have reasons for not going to the 'white' boats (they are familiar people, he knows them, he has checked their license before, etc.) but as long as you are doing something illegal, and illegal because you are cheap, you really don't have any excuse to complain.