Hardik Pandya and Rahul - Hypocritical to Blame Them Only

I hardly ever don't watch Indian Television. I find it full of crap, and the shows that are supposed to be comedy are anything but. I do however follow cricket. So recently I read about how two cricketers went on Koffee With Karan and the Twitter verse erupted on how sexist , misogynist and racist these men all were.

You can read about it on Buzzfeed, News18, and Bollywood Hungama, amongst others. Now, interestingly at first Buzzfeed actually published an article on how hilarious, vibrant and open the interview was. However, since the Indian feminist Twitterverse started to rant about the episode, Buzzfeed suddenly decided to be "woke" and criticize the episode as well.

Here is where I find the whole ranting of the Indian viewers hypocritical, especially the feminists (yes, I have no love lost for them).

1. The guys talked about sex and women as if they were conquests.

Well, blow me down with a feather! If Pandya and Rahul were "conquering" women, what were those women doing? These ladies followed the cricketers around, and if they slept with them, proudly bragged about the sex to their friends.

"I slept with that cricketer!"

If you have to blame one side for sleeping around, what about the other side? Why do women get a pass for being sluts? It is a hypocritical attitude.

I am not defending the guys. I find this culture of one night stands and just sex for the sake of pleasure without any strings attached abhorrent. Yet it has become the culture of the day. If so, why blame only the guys. The women weren't forced to do anything, so why should they get a pass?

2. Pandya was called a creep for watching women "move" in the clubs.

Now, once again, the double standards. You are at a club. Men are watching women. Women are watching men. And I guess some men are watching men and women are watching women. Yet only one of these is offensive. Why?

Once again we ignore the materialistic, YOLO, pleasure seeking culture of the modern youth and focus on "wokeness" where a man should never admit he is checking out a woman.

3. Pandya was also called out for appropriating black culture.

Now I am never one who agreed into this "appropriating" bullshit, be it Halloween costumes or otherwise. If Kim Kardashian wants to put on a Princess Jasmine costume, I don't see it as an affront to Arab and Islamic culture or appropriating what have you.

This is what Pandya said.

"I like to watch and observe how they (women) move. I'm little from the black side so I need to see how they move."

Now if you were to ask an average person three things they know about Black culture, they will tell you hip hop, booty shaking women in said hip hop videos, and basketball. Some may add a gangster culture. bling or low slung jeans.

So my question is, if it's offensive to identify "black culture" with "women moving", then perhaps rethink that whole booty shaking women in music videos? Pretty much it seems that's all that is glorified in black culture music. Or stop referring to themselves as "from the hood".

The articles (and the Twitterverse) are long and there are many more issues. However I have no patience to go through ALL of them. Suffice it to say that it takes two to tango, and if you find these cricketers' behaviour uncouth, unbecoming of a gentleman, and a bit like a 'fratboy', remember there's women who are going along with them specifically because of this. Criticize them too, and you have a point.

Otherwise, take a chill pill.

My Problem with the #metoo Movement

Let me just say straight off the bat that I am not an ardent feminist. Too often feminism today is used as a cudgel to spread hatred against men, organized religion and the clergy, as well as promote rampant deviant sexual behaviour and norms. I am a feminist when it comes to equal pay for equal work, equal legal rights under a secular legal system, and a workplace free from unwanted sexual harassment. However, too often nowadays feminism is much broader than that, and encompasses such radical ideas (such as #SlutWalk or female imams for mixed congregations) that it is impossible to say "I am a feminist". Especially when they provide blanket support to the #meToo movement.

Now the #meToo movment has had a lot of positive impact. It's hard to deny that sexual harassment occurs, and has occurred, especially in  highly competitive industries such as entertainment, media and politics. While harassment by definition targets both genders (such as the famous Kevin Spacey case), the overwhelming number of times it is the male perpetrator against a female victim. The #meToo movement has brought out these cases in the public and made it easy for women to report such advances, as well as brought on awareness. That is a good thing.

However, there are serious problems.

1. All women who allege harassment are speaking the truth and their allegations are to be believed.

There is a concentrated effort to say that ANY women who alleges certain harassment allegations is speaking the truth (because why would women lie) and therefore MUST be believed. Why would a woman come out with these "troubling incidents" if it wasn't true? Pardon my French, but what sort of legalized weed are you smoking?

The best example of this nonsense was during the celebrated Jian Ghomeshi trial. Even though Ghomeshi was legally charged and then legally acquitted of ALL five charges, rabid feminists still insisted that we MUST believe the women who came out with claims of non-consensual sex against him. EVEN though the court of the land found him not guilty. Even though the defense lawyer was able to prove inconsistencies in the witness's statements. Even though there were records of the alleged "victim" saying she loved what was done to her, after the incident. In an ironic twist, these same radical feminists turned on his lawyer Marie Henein - a female - for daring to take on the case and defend her client. You know, doing her job. Apparently the right to choose only goes so far.

Women lie. Women can lie. Take the case of Patrick Brown. The poor guy was all set to become the Premier of Ontario when two unproven allegations derailed his career overnight. His own political party, besotted with lust for power, turfed him. Then it turned out one of those cases had a glaring dishonesty, and now the whole thing is in front of the courts.

No one should be immediately believed when they bring forth a case of sexual allegation. Rather, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof is, and should always remain, on the accuser.

2. A woman should be able to remain anonymous when she makes the accusation.

Take the case of Aziz Ansari (and more on that in the third point). I am no fan of Aziz Ansari. I don't find him funny, I don't find him relevant and I hardly watch any of his shows. I also hate the fact that he is presented as a "true good liberal Muslim" and anyone who is not like him is a fundamental extremist. Anyone who drinks alcohol, has premarital sex, and presents those things as proper and not Islamic cannot be a good Muslim.

Yet, his career threatened to unravel when someone (called "Grace") wrote an article, anonymously, accusing him of sexual harassment. Almost overnight he was embroiled in the scandal and lucky for him it unraveled quickly enough. But again, you say that the accuser should be known so the accused can publicly defend himself (or herself), and then you will be accused of "victim shaming". Whatever that means.

I understand there is sometimes reasons for concealing the name of the accused, especially if the person being accused is in a position of power. However, this is only in case of an investigation (either from work's HR or from the legal prosecution). After the investigation is over and a charge is made, the name of the accuser and the accused should be a matter for public record. There should be no trial by media. Which brings me to my final point.

3. A bad choice by a woman is not a sexual harassment.

If you consented to it, without there being pressure of losing your job or life or something similar, it cannot be sexual harassment. Take the same Aziz Ansari case. It was a first class example of a date gone wrong (if it's true), but it's not sexual harassment. If he asked for something, and you gave in, you can't say he forced you. If you had said no, would he have harmed you? If not, then it's on you, not on him. Yet the #meToo movement ignores this vital aspect.

Another thing it ignores is that women are conscious, thinking individuals who are adults making their own sexual choices. Take the celebrated Nouman Ali Khan case, for example. Let us say it's true, and for argument's sake let us assume the scholar did marry (and then divorce) many women.

Did he force those women into marriage? Did he threaten those women's livelihood or life if they did not marry him? Did they not willingly start an affair with him, or exchange sexually graphic messages and texts? Are they not equally guilty?

All of this is of course if you believe the story, for argument's sake. Yet the feminists will say no, only the scholar is guilty. Why? Something called "spiritual abuse". Whatever the fudge that means.

Completely ignored is the fact that just as people can be attracted to beauty, they can also be attracted to power. Whether that power is political, economical, or the flowering oratory of a preacher who commands the attention of millions, is irrelevant. If people feel an attraction towards a preacher because of his position, that is not "spiritual abuse". That is giving in to your momentary desires and lust, and then later regretting it and trying to blame the guy, calling it "spiritual abuse".

IF it's true. Till now we have no idea WHAT the specific allegations against Nouman Ali Khan is or WHO even are the accusers. But feminists will tell you it doesn't matter, just believe these unknown, unnamed women who are "hinting" at something. So a man's career and life's work must be ruined, because, feminism. #meToo.

How To Do Arranged Marriage Wrong (Especially Girls)

I once wrote an article defending arranged marriage in response to a nonsense CBC 'article'. In this post, I want to talk about some of the regressive attitudes and behaviours that make arranged marriages a fiasco in some South Asian families.

Warning: The writing may be blunt and to the point. It may make you uncomfortable, especially if you are one of the liberal secular feminist type. It's the truth.

More and more it seems arranged marriages in the South Asian diaspora are becoming a type of "last resort". The boy has played the field and now wants some "domesticated girl" so turns to his mother for help. The girl has been with a boyfriend for so long but suddenly the mother of the said boyfriend decided her "golden boy" would be better off with someone she chose, and the boyfriend is too spineless to say otherwise, so now the girl is left looking for a poor sucker who has no idea where she has been before.

Now these people are in the same 'market' as the boy and girl who has kept away from any physical relationships, kept themselves pure and looking to get married, but finding it extremely difficult to do so.

Parents of Girls

Don't reject a good proposal from a boy just because he is not a doctor or engineer. Despite it being 2017 2018, there is ... unbelievably ... desi parents who still are looking for a doctor or engineer for their princesses. Any other proposal from a thousand other good professions, be it teacher (2 months off, hey), public policy (stable job for life yay), consultant (travel the world, wow), lawyer (moolah much), writer (intelligent people), and so on are all rejected. Automatically, without even a glance. Now that is serious limitation to a good prospect for your girl. In the end she does end up marrying a doctor ten years older than her. Good, bad?

The other thing they do is they tell, convince, argue, threaten and cajol their daughters to please ... PLEASE ... do not get involved in any relationship ... we WILL find someone good for you, and the poor daughter believes it.

And then when it's time to look for a groom, they have all these reasons to reject perfectly good candidates:

He's not a doctor or engineer (civil doesn't count).
He's still living with his parents.
He does not want to leave his job and resettle to where WE are living.
He's not from our biraderi, gram, upojela and so on.

Meanwhile the girl who managed to land herself a good boy is looked at upon jealously.

Oooh oder to chokkor choltesilo (oooh they were having an affair)

Parents of Boys (especially the mother)

Your son is not the Prince of Persia. He's not even the best looking boy in your street. Yet you reject any girl who falls short of Aishwarya Rai standard. You are rejecting girls because you saw her once at a party and she was talking too much. You rejected a girl because she was from Borishal and everyone knows Borishali girls are like this (replace Borishal with Noakhali, Chittagong, Dhaka, NSU, Foridpur, English Medium, as appropriate). You are rejecting girls because they are only three years younger than your son and everyone knows 4 is the ideal number. You are rejecting a girl because she is a Project Manager at BoA and everyone knows career oriented women do not make good wives.

And when I say everyone knows I mean your fellow aunty circle and the good old Indian television serial.

Meanwhile the poor boy doesn't even know of any of this and is wondering why there is a shortage of girls and he should just have tried his luck with the Vietnamese girl in his study group.

Please ... PLEASE ... have an honest discussion with your son to find out what matters to HIM. Half the stuff people write in their biodata is pretty much useless. Who cares what your uncle's son's occupation or grandfather's place of birth was.

Girls

You are at a serious disadvantage in this process. Just accept it. Guys and their families (usually) hold all the cards. If you are aware of this fact, you can definitely not screw up even more.

One definite way to screw up is to have a relationship before and then broadcast it to the world, and then something happens, and now you are screwed. Your heart is a precious real estate - not just anyone and everyone should be let into it. Be very wary of falling for playboys and smooth talkers and please, for goodness sake, stop watching rubbish Indian serials. Life is not Bollywood. Life is more like the Quentin Tarantino movie.

If a smooth talking boy charms you, it's not spiritual abuse - you have been played. Be smart.

Also, Liberal feminists like to say to women that a) you are all pretty b) you are all good just the way you are. OK ... false, and false.

First - looks matter, whether you are a guy or a girl. So, rule number one. Please shape up. Maintain yourself physically. Now I know this is rich coming from me, but it is the uncomfortable truth that looks do matter more for women than men.

Second, be educated. It's a common myth that man-hating feminists like to spread that men are scared of a women who is educated. We are not. No man I know is turned off because a woman has a Ph.D. It's usually other reasons.

Third, have an opinion.
DO
NOT
BE
A
DOORMAT.

Another common fallacy by feminists is that men are turned off by women who are opinionated, strong willed or confident. No... we are turned off by women who are cocky. There's a big difference. If you want to know, its the answer to this question.

Question: What do you think of Justin Trudeau ?
Wrong Answer: Oh he's so cute .. heheheh
Right Answer: I think he has governed well enough, but I don't like the fact that he couldn't get a pipeline built in Alberta ... and so on.

Contrary to what feminists say, a young pretty intelligent girl will win over a young pretty dumb girl any day.

And that's the last point. Be young. If you know marriage is something you want to do, do it when you are young.

Boys

Please grow up.

Really.

I could go on and on but half the problems would be solved if desi boys would simply grow up, let go of their mother's apron strings and grow a spine.

The Art of Manliness (or How To Be A Man's Man)

So over the weekend of Jan 11, 2014, I attended a course taught by Sheikh Yahya Ibrahim on Surah Taha. One section near the end of the Surah is where Allah talks about Adam and Eve (peace be upon them). Here, the sheikh gave a small (and highly entertaining) lecture for men, on how to be men, as taught by the best man ever, Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.

Please note that since these are notes from a course, I don't have the sources on me. Mistakes are mine alone and may Allah forgive me. For more details, attend the Muslim DNA course by Sheikh Yahya Ibrahim.

1. When you eat, always eat with her.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would NEVER eat alone. If he was in the city and not on a campaign or war (and even if he was sometimes one of his wives would accompany him), he would ALWAYS eat with one of his wives. This was to show her how much he loved her, that would rather spend time with her than with his other Companions. Even if some other Companions were present, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would invite his wife to sit with him and share the meal.

When the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would have a meal with Aisha (may Allah Be Pleased with her), they would both eat from the same plate and drink from the same cup as each other. What the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would do is, turn the cup where Aisha's lip marks were left and would drink from that side of the cup. He would also make eye contact with her and then drink.

2. Whenever you buy something for yourself, always buy something for her.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would always buy a gift for his beloved wife (the one whose turn it was to be with him) whenever he was in the market. Sometimes he would buy for all his wives; but never did he buy something for himself and not buy something for his spouse.

3. Seat her where you are seated. In other words, make her sit with you.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would make space besides him for his wife to sit. This was even after hijab was enforced (and niqab for his wives). His last moments were spent with his head on the lap of his wife Aisha (may Allah Be Pleased with her). Even though there were men in the room (and his wives' rooms were very small), that did not stop him from asking his wife to be in the room as well, and with him. Your wife's place is not in the kitchen or the basement with the kids while men discuss important things, it's with the men, right by your side.

4. Confide in your wife more than you confide in any one else.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to confide in his wives often, and on important matters. When the Archangel Jibrail first showed up with Surah Alaq, he ran to his wife Khadija (may Allah Be Pleased with her) and it was she who comforted him (and thus became the first Muslim). Nineteen years later, when the stunned, shocked and dismayed Muslims at Hudaibiyah, flabbergasted at the peace treaty signed, refused to move after the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) ordered them to shave the hair on their heads, he turned to his wife Umm Salamah (may Allah Be Pleased with her) for advice. And it was she who averted the crisis. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) WOULD NEVER discuss the affairs of his wives with his friends unless there was an emergency situation.

5. When you ask something of her, be prepared to do the same for her.

The seerah and the stories of the scholars are full of how they made themselves look nice and appealing for their wives as they desired the same in return. One scholar, after his day's work, would shower and change his clothes and perfume himself BEFORE he returned home.

... And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable ... [Quran 2:228]

6. Tell her "I love you" often.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would admit in public his love for his wives. He told Amr ibn Al Aas in the mosque in public that he loves Aisha the most. He would often tell his wives of his love for them, and praise them often. He had nick names for his wives. For example, he would call Aisha as "Aish", and sometimes used to call her "Humairah" which meant "rosy cheeks".

He even had a code language with his wives, as explained by Aisha (may Allah Be Pleased with her) in the Hadith of the Knot.

"How is your love for me?" Aisha, peace be upon her, asked him. Not only did she want to know that he loved her, but how he loved her.

"My love for you is like a knot in a rope." The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) replied. "Strong and secure, the more people pull, the tighter it gets."

Later on, even if the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was in a gathering and Aisha was passing by, she would ask him, to the puzzlement of everyone else, "How is the knot?" And he would smile and reply, "As tight as the day I married you, Aisha."

7. Kiss her.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) would kiss his wives. Sometimes he would kiss them on the doorstep of his house as he was leaving for the mosque. Once Umar and Abu Bakr saw him with Saffiyah (may Allah Be Pleased with her) and they averted their eyes and hurried on their way. He then called them back and said, "This is my wife."

8. Be generous with her and her children.

As per this hadith (a saying of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him):

"There are four dinars: a dinar which you give to a poor person, a dinar you give to free a slave, a dinar you spend in the Way of Allah, and a dinar which you spend on your family. The best of them is the dinar which you spend on your family." [Source: Bukhari]

9. When she's wrong, don't hammer her.

As per his advice, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) told us that when our wives are wrong, we are to forgive them, and not bring up the point again and again. After the Battle of Badr, his wife Sauda (may Allah Be Pleased with her) made an honest mistake that was almost a minor kufr, yet it was a mistake and immediately the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) excused her and never brought it up again.

10. Pray Together.

Even though the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was tall, and the room he shared with Aisha was so small that he could not prostrate in prayer if she was lying down - and he had to awaken her to complete his Tahajjud prayers - he did not just step out and go to the mosque next door. He would wake her up and they would pray together.

Last, but not the least ...

11. You are happy when your wife is happy, and Allah is happy when your wife is happy.

The logic is simple. The best man, according to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the man who is best to his wife. And Allah is certainly happy with you if you are the best. Therefore, if your wife is happy with you, know that Allah is happy with you.

Where are the Girls in this Mosque?

I was shopping in another part of Toronto the other day, accompanied by my siblings, and it was time for the Maghreb prayer. There was a big mosque nearby and we drove there. There was one entrance called "Sisters' Entrance", my sister entered from there, while my brother and I walked around the mosque to enter via the main entrance - aka the "brother's entrance".

It was a very nice, huge, ornate, well designed mosque. It was also quite new; the mosque used to be two portables fitting around 40 people before, now this was a proper mosque accomodating thousands. The main prayers were over; so my brother and I prayed by ourselves. The main prayer hall was divided into two sections - a glass barrier separating the dimly lit "private" space from the main hall - this is where we prayed. The sisters' area was upstairs.
As we finished praying, I noticed there was a dars (a lesson) going on. I sat down and listened for a bit. The speaker was an old bearded man, he sat in the centre of the main hall surrounded by kids and adults, and he was speaking in flawless English. The topic of the speech was taking lessons from the life of the Prophets and applying it to modern times. As I listened, I realized the speaker was really good, and the speech was excellent. The kids listened with rapt attention.
And yet ... take a look at the picture below.

Everyone shown around the speaker is a male. The adults were male, the kids were male, and of course the speaker was male. Where are the females.
"Oh, they are upstairs, listening too," Answered someone, when I asked them. "We have speakers and close circuit TV."
This is the problem, the big problem, in today's Muslim organizations. If you take a look at this picure, there is a LOT of empty space behind the men, in the MAIN prayer hall. Why can't girls sit here, in close proximity to the speaker, so they can personally ask him questions, or be inspired in way that only a face-to-face conversation can? Sitting behind the men will satisfy any requirements that orthodox Muslims can throw at them, and not to mention, teaching women this way is actually a sunnah.
I remember going to these classes, sometimes as a kid, often as an adult, when a well known speaker would come to the mosque, and being inspired by the Islamic knowledge imparted. If my sister or wife would attend, sometimes I would wonder why they were not similarly impressed. Hard to be impressed when you are looking at a curtain, I think!
I was reading Cartoon Muhammad's article "The Need for Muslim Women Leaders". He is on the mark on how certain segments of the mosque community (let's be candid - it's the more "religious" folk) who construct barriers (literally and figuratively) against Muslim women speakers.
However, the problem that I saw in this mosque, in this dars, prevent women from seeking knowledge in the first place. Muslim Student Associations all across Canada talk about Israel Apartheid, but we have to be honest and admit there remains an Apartheid system in many of our mosques that discriminate against half our community - the girls.
Contrast this to the times of Caliph Umar (the Caliph of the Muslim empire!) being corrected by a woman during a Friday Khutbah! Or even contrast this with the Sayeda Khadija Centre in Mississauga, Ontario. When I was there, the first few rows were occupied by men, and the next few rows were occupied by women. Sisters conversed with the imam (who was standing, in person, a mere 50 feet away from them). And this was no progressive "flaky" imam, this was Imam Hamid Slimi who also teaches at the prestigious Islamic Institute of Toronto.
If you are a woman, which mosque would you go to?

Wife Space

Wife to Husband: We need a new wardrobe. All our wardrobes are so small. I need some where to store my new clothes. Right now they are all in a box. We need a new wardrobe. A big one. Are you listening to me?

Husband dutifully goes out with wife and together they select a new wardrobe. Husband lugs the furniture back to their place and spends the weekend assembling it.

Husband (proudly displaying the assembled wardrobe to wife): What do you think?

Wife: Hmm ... it's too big.

Women!

What did the Android say to the iPhone?

Note: If you don't follow Bollywood, or do not understand Hindi/Urdu, this post is not for you. I apologize.

So, I have an Android, my sister-in-law has an iPhone. Sometime back, I read a joke online, thought it would be a great joke to pass on to her (she follows Bollywood!) and therefore sms-ed her.

What I sms-ed:

What did the mutter say to the paneer?

Tu CHEESE Badi Hai Mast Mast!!

What my sister-in-law received:

Tu CHEESE Badi Hai Mast Mast!!

Needless to say, she was a puzzled girl, and thank goodness it was all clarified as soon as possible, otherwise it would just not have remained an Android vs. iPhone issue!

Cuddle Your Wife for $1 Million?

May I never have Nasser Hussain's mentality.

Here is the story summary. Allen Stanford, a rich Texas billionaire, has organized the richest cricket match in history. This weekend, the winner of the 3-hour Twenty-20 cricket match between England and West Indies (or Stanford Superstars, as they are branded), will take home a cool $20 million. Imagine that, for three hours of work, provided you win, the $20 million is yours to be split amongst 11 people.

Yesterday, Allen Stanford apologised for his behaviour after being caught on camera flirting with players' wives and girlfriends. Er, he was not just flirting, he had his arms around two of the wives and another wife (of Matt Prior) on his lap [Cricinfo].

Stuart Broad, who was bowling at the time, commented: "When the pictures came up on the big screen there were a lot of gobsmacked people in our side. Matt Prior was in a state of shock, especially as his wife is pregnant."

After the apology though, here is what Nasser Hussain, the former English captain and now a commentator, had to say.

"It was pretty harmless, to be honest, and the wives must remember that their husbands are potentially earning a fortune by being here and they are in a lovely place having a lovely time in the sunshine.

If the man who is putting up all the money wants to give them a quick cuddle for the cameras is that really a big problem?"

Updated: Video.

Vacation Question

So I was surfing Facebook and then I noticed one of my hijabi friends posted her vacation pictures.

With nothing to do at lunch I clicked on her album. It seems she had gone there with a few of her girlfriends, all of whom are hijabis, and very conservative Muslims too.

Where did they all go for their week long vacation?

Er, Las Vegas.

So what does a bunch of hijabi wearing, Quran-toting, non-gambling, non-drinking, non-sex-show-attending Muslim chicks do in Las Vegas?

Seeing her online, I messaged her.

"So, you don't drink, you don't gamble, you don't attend burlesque."

"So, what exactly did you gals do in Las Vegas?"

And she, after a brief pause and with what I can only imagine in a beautiful smile on the other end replied with that famous line,

"Mezba, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!"

Er, something's wrong in the picture, methinks. :-D

Ramadan Conversations

"Hey, S!" My brother's friend called out to him.

"Whassup?" My brother replied.

"Yo, why don't you come to Tim Horton's after taraweeh prayers?"

"Er," My brother answered. "Isn't it kinda late? 11.20 the prayers end."

My brother's friend looked at him for sometime.

"What are you talking about? Oh, you mean you pray the full 20? I was talking about 8 rakats. That's over at 10.30!"

"Ah," My brother commented. "Oh well, don't know. Why, what's at Tim Horton's?"

"You should come." My brother's friend winked. "It's Ramadan and it's taraweeh. ALL THE GIRLS ARE THERE!"

* * *

"Oh, my legs are paining!" My friend tells me after we exit the mosque, praying only 8 rakats of taraweeh.

"Yah, I know!" I reply, knowing how long the prayers can be.

"You know," She tells me, "I was so lost after the 2^nd rakat."

"Ha ha." I answer. "I know exactly what you mean. During the 1^st rakat I am convinced that TODAY I will concentrate on my prayers. Then, during the 2^nd rakat I start planning tomorrow's schedule, and then suddenly rebuke myself for losing concentration. During the 3^rd rakat I am thinking tomorrow I have table tennis practice at 5 and I have to do this work project. By the 6^th rakat I have reviewed all my things to do tomorrow and the rest of the week!"

My friend looks at me for sometime, and then utters in a low voice:

"Well, I meant LOST as in mesmerized. The recitation of the Quran was just so beautifully done that I was really deeply into it!"

Sex and the City - Rant 1

What's the big deal with Sex and the City? I mean, Brian Griffin (Family Guy) apparently summed it up best after watching it with some gay friends: "... so it's a show about three hookers and their mom?"

I admit I watched a few episodes - no, I didn't follow it - just watched it when I switched on the TV and it happened to be on. It's a funny, witty show but if you listen to women everywhere, it has been made out to be some ... Movement ... something bigger than what it is, really.

At it's heart, Sex and the City is no feminist manna - the girls are obsessed with guys and their life is defined by who can successfully get which guy, and if all else fails, you can cure your heartache by buying an expensive pair of stilettos.

For me, Friends was more of a realistic portrait of 30-somethings who are single or leading single life. At least they didn't pretend to be happy and proud of their "love life is DOA" at 30.

In the end, Sex and the City is just another TV show, more often than not funny and entertaining, but just a show nevertheless. It is not meant to be an ideal of how 'professional' women should be.

For pure fun, take a look at the Sex and the Matrix parody.

The Missing Woman

A long time childhood crush of mine just had a baby daughter, leading me to experience a probably inappropriate twinge of regret that yes - she is well and truly gone. Indeed, it was the sight of her cavorting around on a rainy rooftop in a yellow sari that has probably fueled the testosterone-laden attraction of many a guy towards voluptuous full figured Indian women - now immortalized by Youtube.

However, as I lately purvey the tripe that now masquerades as 'Indian' movies - I see that this sari-clad beauty is now an endangered species. For example, in a song that brings the Canadian-Pakistani talent of Adnan Sami along with Kareena Kapoor, the scion of the famous Bollywood clan, you have this.

It seems more and more Bollywood songs now have our hero dancing with a backup crew that consists of people fitting one job description - you have to be a foreign, blonde female with an attractive figure that you will barely adorn with clothes. For example, the main attraction of the song Kiss Me Baby (yikes, English!) in the movie Garam Masala was this.


A rating of PG-13 on this blog prohibits me from placing some more pictures as example (also because I have a disk quota from Blogger) but you get the idea.

In affectionate remembrance of the truly desi woman, who died an untimely death circa 1990s. Deeply lamented by a large circle of admirers, Bollywood watchers and horny teenagers.

As an aside, I wonder if the large number of foreign women dancing to the tunes of brown men (literally) feeds some hidden desire of us desi men to control the exotic Other Woman. Go to the Facebook album of any of the resident desi "Studs", and you will see one typical picture.

In the club. Beer in hand. Foreign (usually White) Woman on arm.

I have seen even black men who have white girlfriends subconsciously introduce them around as if they are some kind of trophy. I wonder why.

Calling All Girls Re: CWC

It has come to my attention that some girls have no idea about cricket. Given that the Cricket World Cup (CWC) is beginning in a few days, here's a few pointers to aforementioned friends about cricket.

Vat is Cricket?

In the words of my uncle, Cricket is a vast conspiracy unleashed by the British Empire on their unsuspecting subjects. While the colonies wasted their time playing a game that required 5 days to finish, the British invented soccer (which took 90 minutes). Thus the decline of Eastern civilization can be attributed to the rising popularity of cricket.

Today, of course, we have reduced the game to last just 8 hours ONLY.

And NO, we do not know who is winning at hour # 7.

Vy Are Desis So Good At Cricket?

Cricket requires the batsman to hit the ball and run. The concept of hit-and-run comes naturally to us desis.

Vat Is An Over?

An over is 6 deliveries long. A bowler bowls 6 deliveries at the batsman. Then another bowler comes in. The time between this change of bowlers is the ONLY time you girls can talk to us guys watching the game. Suggested topics of conversation include "what toppings do you want on your pizza" and "do you want fries with that".

Vat Are Things To Avoid?

Girls, do not be corrupted by Western feminists that tell you the best way to bond with your man is to learn about his sport. We men do NOT want to teach you about cricket. We want to revel in your ignorance when the commentator says something like "That shot was better executed, but rather than dissecting the field, he managed to pick out the fielder at fine leg."

Statements by girls that can lead to broken marriages include, but are not limited to:

"I want him to score runs. He looks soooo cute."

"Is Imran Khan still playing?"

"So, how many goals did we score?"

Cricket Statements That Sound Naughty But Are Not

McGrath's balls are lovely to watch.

Dravid punishes the opposition by making them chase leather all day.

That was a lovely stroke by Tendulkar. He got into it early and held his poise perfectly.

Good V-Morning

(Me = me, Fib = Friend In Bangladesh)

Step 1: Kill the joke.

Fib: "What's up?"

Me: "Eito, just got to work. Snowing here."

Fib: "Oh, don't be grumpy, today is Valentine's Day!"

[me gets more grumpy]

Me: "So?"

Fib: "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!"

[me decides guys in Bangladesh are getting gayer by the second]

Me: "Actually I am celebrating Single Awareness Day today."

[cyber pause as I realize Fib may not have got it]

Me: "So I am going to be in S.A.D. mode all day."

Fib: "Really? I never heard of that day! It's on the same day as Valentine's Day? Is it something Canadian?"

[he's serious]

Me: *sigh* "It's a JOKE! S.A.D. = sad = no valentine = anti-valentine."

Fib: "oh, LOL!!"

[five minutes of Fib typing various combinations of LOL, LMAO and ROFL]

Step 2: Reinforce Desiness

Fib: "Are there no pretty Bengali girls in Canada?"

Me: "Sure, lots."

Fib: "So, pick a proper beauty."

Me: "Is beauty the only factor? Beauty is subjective."

Fib: "Screw that. Beautiful is fixed. Slim, and fair skin."

[me inserts Fair and Lovely commercial here]

Step 3: Destroy Ignorance which was Bliss

Me: "For marriage you need to go beyond beauty."

Fib: "Who the hell is talking about marriage? Just get a girl friend. Have fun. Do furti (masti)."

Me: "Does everyone in Bangladesh do furti then?"

Fib: "Sure. Well, all try. Some cannot do it."

[Fib sniggers]

Me: "You mean, girls in Bangladesh are so ... modern ... now?"

Fib: "Hell, ya. Lol you didn't think that? You've been out of the country for too long."

Why Do Men Go Back To Marry?

This post is dedicated to all my female friends, sisters and readers. This is probably my most raw and politically incorrect post.

Q: Why do Bengali men go back to Bangladesh to marry?
The short answer: Because they can. And because they don't get here what they can get there.

The long answer:
Before I go on, there are people who know me personally who read this blog. I don't want you to read this post and come to the conclusion that I am running off to Bangladesh to hunt for a bride, else I will personally come and break your leg. Or get my 'behna' from the previous post to do it for me. I was quite flabbergasted when on Eid a visiting friend asked me, "so when did you get engaged to this British girl?" I was like WTH yet somehow this rumor got started by one over-zealous blog reader.

(also, BTW, if you are going to start a rumor about me, can you consult me first? There are so many things I want people that talk about me to talk about ...)

Back to guys going back to Bangladesh.

It's only guys who have the option of going back to marry. For girls, this is not a serious option. Think about it.

We (the guys) go back, find an educated girl, marry her and come back. She joins us 3-4 months later after the paperwork is processed. Now she is here, but her educational degrees are not recognized, so she cannot work immediately. No problem, in our culture it's the man who earns. So while we go to work, she can study and get her credentials recognized, and then she can join the workforce. It's compatible with her upbringing.

Now imagine you, the girl, bringing your husband over. He was probably working in some good job in Bangladesh. Upon coming here, he has to retake university courses which could take as long as two years. Not only does he have to pay tuition, he has to depend on you for the family income while he studies. Bangladeshi men come from a very male-dominated society and it causes a lot of friction (mainly due to their oversized ego) when it's the wife who is the big earner in the family. On the top of that, his wife is not as submissive as the women he is used to - hence most of the marriages I see where the girl went back and 'imported' a husband has sadly ended in divorce.

The guys these girls married are decent guys to start with, but long hours at odd jobs, language problems, cultural differences, living with in-laws and lack of a proper job causes a lot of marital problems.

Thus it is to the girls' advantage to marry someone already here.

Now for the reasons why guys here go back. There is a saying: "Perception is truth". Things I say here may not be true per se, but the perception of them being true certainly is.

Number one, age.

Take the case of a Canadian desi girl. She has finished university. Age - 22. Now when her parents tell her to marry she will delay it. "I want to live and enjoy my independence first." Two years later - age 24. Then she will reluctantly agree to marriage. Parents start looking. It takes a while. Age - 25.

Guys - same thing. So both sets are looking at age 25. You think a 25-year-old guy wants to marry a 25-year-old girl? Very rarely. Parents have a big say in arranged marriages and most parents of sons want a daughter-in-law at least 2-4 years younger (and truth be told, the guys would like that too). In Bangladesh, most girls I know are ready to get married by 21. If you are the guy, who would you choose?

This is why many girls I know, who started to look for a husband at age 21 or so, met a person they liked, not one they had to settle for.

Number two, attitude.

Call it dhong, nokhra, playing "hard-to-get", whatever. It's cute at first. Then it just gets irritating.

Number three, demands. And being extremely materialistic.

Especially from mothers of girls. Groom must be a doctor. Groom must earn six figure salary. Groom must look like Abhishek Bachchan (even when daughter looks like Aishwarya's mom). And so on. Yes, guys also have demands. But you know what, when guys go back to Bangladesh, they will flash their Canadian citizenship, their condo, their brand new car and they will get a wife who will meet their demands. Unfair? May be. Read this.

Number four, respect.

Respect for the husband. Respect for his parents.

It's sad but in my opinion women here don't respect their husbands as much as women from back home. Statements like "well my husband is just another man who has to EARN my respect" just proves this point. There is a reason why God tells all kids to listen to their mom, and tells the mom to listen to her husband, and tells the husband to obey God to be fair and loving. Man is the head of the household. There is nothing to stop the women from being the neck that turns the head, but the head demands respect.

I have observed how my educated, rich, 'modern' (i.e. not illiterate buffoons from the village but NSU/Dhaka Univ) sister-in-laws from Bangladesh behave with their husbands. And I have seen how wives here treat their husbands. There is a difference. Doesn't stop my complaint that Bengali men are the most hen-pecked of the desi lot, though.

Respect for parents. I just came to know of a girl who wanted nothing to do with her boyfriend's parents. Boyfriend then told her he wanted nothing to do with her.

Despite all of this, personally I would probably marry a girl from here. Even though girls from back home are maybe more Bollywoodishly beautiful, charming, will make tea for me (my only demand), and so on, my reasons for marrying a Canadian Bengali woman would be as follows:

• All the above promote an idea that "Bengali woman from the motherland are beautiful, subservient, Islamic, obedient". This may be nothing more than an idealized version of how things were, not how they are now.
  
• If I marry someone from here I can be sure she is marrying me for me, not for my passport, not for my property and definitely not for my bank balance.
  
• I am not prepared to live six months away from her after marriage. Imagine "you may now kiss the bride, ..., and repeat after six months". The immigration hassle is a bother.
  
• She is used to the lifestyle here. Girls from Bangladesh (middle class and up) are brought up in a household where there are servants (almost always called Lalmoti or Rohim) who will make their tea, sweep their floors and wash their clothes. Here, we do our own chores. Moreover, a Canadian girl knows of the struggle for life here, and will not be harboring some false hope of the Canadian dream of two cars in the garage and two moose in the pot.
  
• From what I have seen, Canadian girls actually are smarter than their Bangladeshi counterparts in many ways.
  
• What they lack in respect to their husbands, Canadian desi women make it in love. They genuinely love their husbands (or so I like to believe). I don't have too much experience here (obviously) so I will leave this point here.

Related reads:
Brown Men by Chimichanga.
On Love and Window Shopping by Liya.
PhDs are sexy by Ararat
Superficial Hotties by Haleem.

On the "Hotness" Question

I was reading a friend's blog post on how she gets offended when someone uses the word 'hot' to describe a woman. She is not unique, I know many people like that.

I was at RIS when a hawker at a stall in the bazaar, while talking to a female friend of mine, described her a hot Trinidadian. Now this was in an Islamic conference! And of course my friend was all indignant and angry.

Moreover, when told about behaviour of aunties when picking brides for their wives, where the aunties would display the pictures of prospects on a table and then pick and choose, based on beauty alone, girls usually start foaming around the mouth.

"Hah, what about personality, what about this, that..."

Let me add my two cents here as a man.

Every man wants a hot wife. There. Now you know. I would love my future wife to be hot (for me alone). I would love to compose poems for her beautiful eyes or hair or whatever. I would love her to come sashaying down the stairs in a beautiful dress (be it a Western dress - shoulders covered of course, or be it a beautiful lahenga or a sari, or even the lowly shalwar kameez, or be it just a T-shirt) but every man wants a physically attractive wife. In other words - hot.

Now beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. While one may like long hair, another may like a curvaceous figure while yet another may prefer a tall, lanky girl, while others may base their criterion on voice, and so on. You will notice these are all physical attributes.

One thing girls forget about aunties selecting girls based on looks is that these girls have already been pre-screened by other factors. For example those girls would have been daughters of their friends, or some close relative, or of similar education, wealth and social standing, etc. In other words, similar mentality and compatible background. You know, for example a girl a university degree is bound to be smart, and so on. So looks are secondary. I have always told my parents I don't care (much) for looks, a girl has to be a good girl. Decent values. She doesn't even need to like Hindi movies. Most important is that we click.

Also, what about girls? Don't girls look for "presentability"? As in 'my guy has to be presentable'. He has to be tall. Smartly dressed. Not have a FOB-by accent. Rich is very good.

Of course girls are not superficial here. No no, then they are looking for "stability". Which is good for a marriage. As opposed to us men who are just superficial chauvinistic pigs who just want a doll. Sure.

I used to think girls who used to say "guys are superficial if they concentrate on looks" are ugly themselves. That opinion has changed as I met - "hot" - women who think similarly. So why do they get offended at the word "hot"?

As a guy, if some girl called me hot I would not mind (hehe) but I am comfortable with my body. Although when I go to the gym I am thinking of Shiney Ahuja (that's the body I want to build since John Abraham is now out of reach with his long hair - for those of you on my MSN list wondering what "Project John Abraham Failed" meant this was it).

I find it's usually girls who I consider 'hot' are not the ones that are physically the most attractive but those that are comfortable in their own skins.