Friday, December 01, 2006

Wanted: Halal Sins

How do you plan a "Halal bachelor party"? Talk about challenges. I, along with a few friends, have to plan someone's bachelor party.

Now normally that wouldn't be a challenge, given some of my friends. But, here, I am really stuck for ideas.

This friend is a more stricter Muslim. So, even though he 'fell in love', stalked the girl until she said yes, and wrote her name in blood (an invention and rumour that spread until it became fact), we have to have a HALAL bachelor party.

Now, this is an oxymoron. To join other oxymorons such as 'halal pepperoni' (look up the word in the dictionary people), 'attractive hijabi' (and the purpose of hijab is ...?), 'pro-choice Catholic' and so on. Or join other perplexing terms such as '100% halal'. Is there such a thing as '90% halal'?

When we slaughtered the cow we only said 'Bismillahi Allahu Ak' but at that point the maulvi choked on his paan and thus omitted the 'bar' from 'Akbar'. Therefore this cow is certified only 97% halal.

Anyways, so someone suggests Sultan's Tent to me. They got great food, great ambiance, and a great location.

Not to mention, belly dancing.

Apparently, since belly dancing is Arabic in origin, that makes it 'Islamic'. OK, whatever. When I called them up on the phone, the guy I spoke to even stressed that they have halal lamb.

Come enjoy exotic belly dancing. We also serve Halal lamb.

Also licensed by Liquor License Board of Ontario.

Nah, it won't do. Apparently it's a bit risque. Um hello, you guys all went for Temptations concert didn't you? And the Zee Cine Awards in Dubai? Not to mention people who paid $100 to watch Priyanka jiggle at the Air Canada Center in far less skimpier clothing (and a lot less belly, I might add).

So back to square one. There is Paintball. I am going to fire 100 balls at the guys who vetoed Sultan's Tent.


Maliha said...

that's hilarious! Paintball sucks for a party and be careful you Mozlems going out to practice jihadi tactics on the paintball court...

Anywho, they have a morrocan restaurant in DC with the same set up, halal meat, alcohol and belly dancing. How quaint.

Why don't you just do a house party? order some food, good movies, and hang out? just a suggestion..

Nermeen said...

Paintball sounds like SUCH a good idea! Fun, violent and messy just what you boys thrive on :)

Of course we cant talk, for these things the women always resort to all-girl dance parties.

mezba said...

Maliha, lol at the jihadi tactics of Paintball, my God that's a post in itself, think of it..

1. Paintball fi sabilillah.
2. Suicide Painter.


Nermeen, I think it will come down to Paintball and/or an NBA game.

I once snuck in to one all-girl dance party and liked what I saw before I was chased out. Unfortunately can't have that with guys. Too much emotional scars from dorm days.

'liya said...


Funny stuff!!

Let us know what you decided :)

Em said...

I don't know how athletic you guys are, but why not camp the night out in the woods or something (if it's a Friday night or weekend)? Cooking over a slow fire, sharing all the man talk in the smoke amidst the darkness... No car stereo or TV for distraction...

Em said...

Oh, loved the 97% halal gradation :)

Maleeha said...

my husband arranged a surprise bachelor party for his cousin at a basketball court and catered the dinner. the guys just played basketball and chilled. it worked out well.

Athena said...

Ooooh paintballing is a good idea and I suggest you wear a few layers: enough to work as padding but not too much that u die sweating. We went paintballing for my bday this year :D. It was quite a BLAST (pun intended)

- SH

Suroor said...

You are HILARIOUS! I love your sense of humour. I think "the school" made you so witty ;-) (lo, as if!)

I was reading the bit about 100% halal meat and choked on my coffee. I should just read your blog when I'm low :-)

Anonymous said...

of course you can have an attractive hijabi. all because someone dresses modestly doesnt mean they morph into an ugly witch.

Anonymous said...

LOL! 97% halal,now that got me cracking,I know eh, sometimes you think you are on the right track and someone stops you and tells you, btw, that is not 100% :)
Anyway,you must have seen this add on tv like 1000 times. The first thing that came to my mind was this place, yes,it proves that advertising works.
BTW, they even have Kosher catering,hehehehe!
PS, bellydancing, halal lamb, licenced liquor place, well, now what % of halal is that? Just be careful when watching the bellydancing and eating a piece of lamb, you don't want to choke! :) sf

Mango Addict said...

Entertaining post as always. I just have one qualm about it though. How can halal and the term 'bachelor party' go together??? Given the connotation to the latter is associated with booze and a certain non-halal entity popping out of a cake, I mean, the term is used to celebrate a man's last days of hedonism before he gets "tied to a chain" - as one of your older posts termed it.

Why not call the occasion the "Deen Party", since your friend is about to fulfil half of his Deen? Instead of calling it the end of his "glory days", let it be the beginning of his wonder years. Just a thought :-)

isheeta said...

Go anything with indoors.... paintball, arcades (I LOVE ARCADES!), laser quest, F-16 something plane simulation centers (there's one in Etobicoke).... personally me, the halal bachelor party sounds more like a boys night out that anything sinful.... however, as you have said, if they can watch priyanka gyrate her pelvis to the netherlands, then I dont know why they'd have issues witha house party.

singlemuslimah said...

I'm an attractive hijabi and there are plenty of us around.
Moving on........a "halal bachelor party" Great times! It is totally doable. One of my girlfriends had a "halal" bachelorette party. It was a lot of fun. We rented a small party room, had mocktails (awesome), tons of food, dancing, and inappropriate humor. All in all, a good time was had. See? No harm, no foul.

Aisha said...

LOL. I have nothing interesting to add but I wanted to let you know I thoroughly enjoyed reading this :)

Zak said...

Lol..what about halal dating?

mezba said...

Liya: Hopefully we will do something postworthy.

Em: er, camp out? It's freezing man! I know you are now in B'desh! :-)

Maleeha: Thanks for the idea but our guy wants something more. People nowadays!

Besides, our guy hates basket ball.

Athena (SH): I will be sure to take your advice. If we go to do something else after paintball I don't want to be "sore".

Suroor: Thanks! Yes, I am sure "the school" had a lot to do with wits. You were often at your wits' end and forced to dig deeper.

anon (9.47): I was just kidding. Sorry.

Sf: Thanks for the link, we did check it out. In the end cost was a factor, so we decided to go paintballing plus a few other "stuff".

mezba said...

Mango:"certain non-halal entity popping out of a cake" OMG that is funny, almost Behbood-esque in the comments... that is really funny.

Well, it looks like we will have to have a bachelor party. I am not responsible for the halal factor decreasing as the night increases. Hmm.... I don't think Deen party will fly with my friends.

Isheeta: Looks like we may have a halal/makruh combo. And one part will be paintball. I will post on it (hopefully).

Single Muslimah: Plenty of you around? Where? Please, direct us men. j/k Yes I know that was a bit of a stretch for a joke. Sorry.

mezba said...

Aisha: Thank you. Appreciated.

Zak: there IS halal dating. Only that it could lead to something non-halal....

Abu Sinan said...

Belly Dancing comes from Egypt, originally, so there could be an arguement that it is North African in origin. Either way, because something comes from an Islamic country does not make it halal.

Poppy and heroin comes from Afghanistan, I dont think anyone would try to argue it is Halal, not to mention the very word "Hasish" is Arabic.

Anyway, like Maliha mentioned, there are many places that serve alcohol, have belly dancing and live music, then talk about "Halal meat."

There is a place near us in the metro DC area called "Alif Layla" (One Thounsand Night) that does just that, they are owned by Christian Palestinians.

As for "Halal" dating, that could be a subject in and of itself. It is my understanding that two unrelated people of the opposite sex going out, unescorted, would most certainly be haraam.

However, if you have a member of the family along for the whole time, no harm no foul, I dont think.

There is a hadith that talks about when a male and female, unrelated are together, the third person is the devil.

It makes sense. Even people trying to be clean can be tempted to do things they might not otherwise do.

Halal bachelor party? For me it would probably be about dinner and going out and doing something fun, but yes beware the paintball.

We have about 8 Muslims here doing very lengthy prison sentences because they played paintball together.

You know, Muslims, military tactics, they must have been training to kill somebody right?

Baraka said...

Salaam Mezba,

Congrats on your win!


mezba said...

Abu Sinan, thanx, will be careful. I think Belly dancing originated in Egypt and Africa, as you said.It's always portrayed popularly as Arab though.

Baraka: THanks! Congratulations to you too!

isheeta said...

Mezba, I'm going to sound completely illiterate... but what is makruh? I heard shrimp is makruh, but I have yet to figure out what it really means in english.

mezba said...

Isheeta, Makruh means something not forbidden (i.e. no sin in doing it) but something also "not liked". It's permissible but not recommended. I have heard that about shrimp too, but never found the source. Thank God it's halal, coz tiger shrimps are the best. I know eating in gold utensils (like those old kings used to do) is makruh.

Abu Sinan said...


The only thing I have heard about shrimp comes from Shi'a sources, where I think they more closely match the Jews, which find shrimpy, lobster, crabs and the like haraam.