Monday, January 08, 2007

Why Do Men Go Back To Marry?

This post is dedicated to all my female friends, sisters and readers. This is probably my most raw and politically incorrect post.

Q: Why do Bengali men go back to Bangladesh to marry?
The short answer: Because they can. And because they don't get here what they can get there.

The long answer:
Before I go on, there are people who know me personally who read this blog. I don't want you to read this post and come to the conclusion that I am running off to Bangladesh to hunt for a bride, else I will personally come and break your leg. Or get my 'behna' from the previous post to do it for me. I was quite flabbergasted when on Eid a visiting friend asked me, "so when did you get engaged to this British girl?" I was like WTH yet somehow this rumor got started by one over-zealous blog reader.

(also, BTW, if you are going to start a rumor about me, can you consult me first? There are so many things I want people that talk about me to talk about ...)

Back to guys going back to Bangladesh.

It's only guys who have the option of going back to marry. For girls, this is not a serious option. Think about it.

We (the guys) go back, find an educated girl, marry her and come back. She joins us 3-4 months later after the paperwork is processed. Now she is here, but her educational degrees are not recognized, so she cannot work immediately. No problem, in our culture it's the man who earns. So while we go to work, she can study and get her credentials recognized, and then she can join the workforce. It's compatible with her upbringing.

Now imagine you, the girl, bringing your husband over. He was probably working in some good job in Bangladesh. Upon coming here, he has to retake university courses which could take as long as two years. Not only does he have to pay tuition, he has to depend on you for the family income while he studies. Bangladeshi men come from a very male-dominated society and it causes a lot of friction (mainly due to their oversized ego) when it's the wife who is the big earner in the family. On the top of that, his wife is not as submissive as the women he is used to - hence most of the marriages I see where the girl went back and 'imported' a husband has sadly ended in divorce.

The guys these girls married are decent guys to start with, but long hours at odd jobs, language problems, cultural differences, living with in-laws and lack of a proper job causes a lot of marital problems.

Thus it is to the girls' advantage to marry someone already here.

Now for the reasons why guys here go back. There is a saying: "Perception is truth". Things I say here may not be true per se, but the perception of them being true certainly is.

Number one, age.

Take the case of a Canadian desi girl. She has finished university. Age - 22. Now when her parents tell her to marry she will delay it. "I want to live and enjoy my independence first." Two years later - age 24. Then she will reluctantly agree to marriage. Parents start looking. It takes a while. Age - 25.

Guys - same thing. So both sets are looking at age 25. You think a 25-year-old guy wants to marry a 25-year-old girl? Very rarely. Parents have a big say in arranged marriages and most parents of sons want a daughter-in-law at least 2-4 years younger (and truth be told, the guys would like that too). In Bangladesh, most girls I know are ready to get married by 21. If you are the guy, who would you choose?

This is why many girls I know, who started to look for a husband at age 21 or so, met a person they liked, not one they had to settle for.

Number two, attitude.

Call it dhong, nokhra, playing "hard-to-get", whatever. It's cute at first. Then it just gets irritating.

Number three, demands. And being extremely materialistic.

Especially from mothers of girls. Groom must be a doctor. Groom must earn six figure salary. Groom must look like Abhishek Bachchan (even when daughter looks like Aishwarya's mom). And so on. Yes, guys also have demands. But you know what, when guys go back to Bangladesh, they will flash their Canadian citizenship, their condo, their brand new car and they will get a wife who will meet their demands. Unfair? May be. Read this.

Number four, respect.

Respect for the husband. Respect for his parents.

It's sad but in my opinion women here don't respect their husbands as much as women from back home. Statements like "well my husband is just another man who has to EARN my respect" just proves this point. There is a reason why God tells all kids to listen to their mom, and tells the mom to listen to her husband, and tells the husband to obey God to be fair and loving. Man is the head of the household. There is nothing to stop the women from being the neck that turns the head, but the head demands respect.

I have observed how my educated, rich, 'modern' (i.e. not illiterate buffoons from the village but NSU/Dhaka Univ) sister-in-laws from Bangladesh behave with their husbands. And I have seen how wives here treat their husbands. There is a difference. Doesn't stop my complaint that Bengali men are the most hen-pecked of the desi lot, though.

Respect for parents. I just came to know of a girl who wanted nothing to do with her boyfriend's parents. Boyfriend then told her he wanted nothing to do with her.

Despite all of this, personally I would probably marry a girl from here. Even though girls from back home are maybe more Bollywoodishly beautiful, charming, will make tea for me (my only demand), and so on, my reasons for marrying a Canadian Bengali woman would be as follows:
  • All the above promote an idea that "Bengali woman from the motherland are beautiful, subservient, Islamic, obedient". This may be nothing more than an idealized version of how things were, not how they are now.
  • If I marry someone from here I can be sure she is marrying me for me, not for my passport, not for my property and definitely not for my bank balance.
  • I am not prepared to live six months away from her after marriage. Imagine "you may now kiss the bride, ..., and repeat after six months". The immigration hassle is a bother.
  • She is used to the lifestyle here. Girls from Bangladesh (middle class and up) are brought up in a household where there are servants (almost always called Lalmoti or Rohim) who will make their tea, sweep their floors and wash their clothes. Here, we do our own chores. Moreover, a Canadian girl knows of the struggle for life here, and will not be harboring some false hope of the Canadian dream of two cars in the garage and two moose in the pot.
  • From what I have seen, Canadian girls actually are smarter than their Bangladeshi counterparts in many ways.
  • What they lack in respect to their husbands, Canadian desi women make it in love. They genuinely love their husbands (or so I like to believe). I don't have too much experience here (obviously) so I will leave this point here.


Related reads:
Brown Men by Chimichanga.
On Love and Window Shopping by Liya.
PhDs are sexy by Ararat
Superficial Hotties by Haleem.

61 comments:

Farah said...

First to comment again. You have done it now. I thought you were going to show some sense and not post this but now we will be after you :-) lol

Anyways, I think I agree to some extent to what you are saying (about the age part). I am 24 and already my parents are on my case but it seems every guy I meet is a 30+ doofus who are set in their ways, and all the good guys seem to be going back to bd.

I don't agree with the respect part. In today's world men and women are equal and men also need to treat women with respect.

As for men here going back to woo bd girls with money and citizenship, I don't know if bd girls nowadays want to come to West as much as they wanted to before.

Anonymous said...

I was also waiting for you to post on this topic about why men go home for wives. My husband is/was one of *them*. Actually, during that time, he said there weren't many girls from back *home*. He wanted an educated girl who would come back here and continue her studies (did that!).I guess every guy has their own opinion,pple from my community are not that many here, so I guess he was *right* there. I got married at a very young age (19)and as soon as I came here, I first went to college, didn't have kids until 3 years later,so I had lots of time with my husband who is also my best friend. My husband cousin is also going back home to get married and I asked him again why go back when he can marry someone here, he simply stated he was interested in this girl, but she seemed demanding (this is not true for all other girls out there),anyway, I think we all want someone who is more like us, who would understand us, and also someone from the same background as ourselves.sf

Shabina said...

ah, mezba. if i hadn't been reading your blog for so long, i probably would have been offended by this post! :)

it sounds like you're frustrated with the marriage process in the west. which makes sense, b/c for practicing muslims, it pretty much sucks. (though i hear dating and stuff is all the rage in pakistan, etc)

coming from a woman's perspective, though, it's kind of sad that our parents sacrificed so much to move here and give us education, security, etc, only to regret that their daughters are now sitting too pretty to marry.

so...are we worse off for all these advantages b/c men are intimidated? or are we better off b/c we'll make better mothers by sharing similar experiences with our children?

end ramble. :)

mezba said...

Farah: According to most of my friends who went back to marry, the respect thing was a big factor in their decision. When I see the results, I see a mixed bag, but more often than not a Bangladeshi bride is more likely to revere her husband.

As for whether B'desh girls want to come to the West, I had a friend who told his wife (he was marrying from back home) prior to marriage that here she would have to do her own chores. Her reply? She was happy to sweep her own floors and make her own food because in the West she would get privacy, peace and safety and all other luxuries living here entails. And from what I see, there's lots of girls like her.

Sf: Your husband sounds like a man of good planning! I agree what I noted are mostly generalizations but to a large extent they seem to hold true. As for the respect thing, I think its only in "love marriages" in the west that are ideal.

Shabina: lol yes maybe frustrated before but not at the moment but definitely I think arranged marriage process sucks here as there is not too much of an avenue to meet other people, especially if you are practicing to some degree.

Your questions are obviously thought provoking and I don't have those answers at the moment.

Aisha said...

I expected to be very antagonistic to your post but you raise some interesting points. I think that my response will be too long for a comment. Please keep an eye out I will probably respond in the form of a post soon.


"This is why many girls I know, who started to look for a husband at age 21 or so, met a person they liked, not one they had to settle for." -- interesting... I started (or my parents) at 20-21. I was married by 22. I hae found its harder for the older girls now by which I mean they are only 24-27... but having a tough time..... I wonder why they dont have to settle at 21 but do later?

mezba said...

Aisha: you should have seen my first draft! I will keep an eye out for your post. I generally think girls start believing all that they read about boys and girls being the same not realizing that the "rules" of society are very different!

'liya said...

This is a bit off topic but...

it comes at an interesting time.

My darling V's best friend (a typical brown guy) went (or rather was forced) to go back to India to get married (he left on Saturday and probably just landed in India right now). This is a guy who is pretty well off, wants to be an actor and who goes to the gym twice a day. I find it fascinating that he's allowing his parents to marry him off to a chubby girl whose main goal is to be a housewife. He's not interested in her at all. He's made that clear to V (but not to his parents). He's agreeing to this because he thinks it's "easier" this way than to listen to his parents nagging. His parents have apparently "looked" at all the girls here and have found none to their liking. When he comes back in a few weeks he'll be a married man. Oh yeah, he just turned 24 years old. Only!

I can't help but shake my head. Sad. And not sad because I don't see how this could possibly work (he actually likes another girl here) but, moreso sad for the girl coming here. It's not fair for her. Oh but wait, she's FAIR and that's all that matters right?!

P.S. I'm being sarcastic with my last comment - plz nobody take offense! Mezba, you should do a post on the issue of a girl's colour...

mezba said...

Liya: I obviously don't know what is the personal situation of this friend of V's, but going by what you say here he seems to lack the balls to stay the course. While I would not suggest eloping with his girl friend, I would say just pause, and continue to preach to parents about this girl here until they come around or he realizes why they are opposed to her in the first place.

Now he is ruining two girls' lives. You know what will happen, don't you? He will come back and settle happily with his domesticated wife and never care about his (former) girlfriend. And while society who knows about their affair will render her a scarred woman.

*shakes head*

Anonymous said...

I liked reading this post Mezba you brought up some good points. But being a desi girl and im sure most desi girls will agree that all aunties think thier sons deserve the best regardless of what he has or doesnt have. Seriously there are enough aunties looking for Aishwariyas/models who should be educated and rich. The whole she should be a 'good girl' is all bs. If aunties and thier sons want an Ashwariya be prepared to become an Abhishek/Salman too!

NAB said...

If you girls think THIS was offensive, then be glad he refrained from putting up the original post. I saw red for days after and did NOT talk to him for hours. This is relatively nice. Paints us (western desi girls) in a more favorable light.

mezba said...

Anon: Don't have anything to say to that! I like Vidya Balan lol

Nowal: lol yes I did show you the first draft to get your opinion - and you told me to step into the 21st century from the 8th! Actually I think I evolved (in my thinking and outlook) from that first draft.

Atifa said...

Excellent post. It's so unfortunate that girls have to worry about the age factor so much. Guys get about 5-6 years more time to decide what they want and where they're going. But what can you do?

Suroor said...

Mezba, I must say that you are very honest. You have raised very important points and I respect you for your honesty. There is so much to learn from this post. You don't have the “I’m-so-great-I’d-marry-anything” kind of attitude and you are open about the situation which is dismal in itself.

“Aunties” who look for “fair, slim, and beautiful” DILs should look at their sons too from time to time. A mother is her son’s greatest fan – even if the son looks like a grey donkey with hair sprouting out of his nose longer than those on his head. And most mothers are blind. (I’m including myself here as the mother of a little man, mashallah, who I think is the best looking toddler although his teeth stick out like a bunny’s). These “aunties” should also remember their own rejection parties before they got married when they decide to reject a girl because of her skin colour.

Bravo! Mezba. Let me pat your back!

Neena said...

I’ve heard this complain from white Americans but I guess it’s applicable to Desi’s too.

The most irritating thing is women always wanted to marry someone who earns more than them and they want everything 50/50. In reality in most two income families its husband income which is shared and women’s income is out of reach. She usually spends it all on her personal stuff. In a nutshell she doesn’t want to be a house wife and on the other hand she neither wants to share expenses. Pretty illogical as to my FOB mind one partner need to take care of the household stuff otherwise why marry, you can live with a roommate like this. You all should know intimate feelings die fast if one partner felt cheated.

isheeta said...

ohboy.

where do I start, mezba?

And please remember when I address "Mezba", its with that lilting tone that you seem to like so much for your future wife to call you (instead of future-first-name-of-mezba's-offspring)
, only I'm doing that with a half-chuckle, half-nod.

Age: agreed
Attitude: agreed
Demands: agreed
Respect: not so much

My bhabi... a very modern well-to-do girl, is a girl from back home. True, she is very respectful to my parents... and while they were introduced to each other by family, it wasnt all arranged - it was part mutual attraction, and definitely part arranged marriage. Does she respect my parents? Totally. Is she comfortable respecting my parents? Not completely. How do I know? I'm her shoulder to cry on. There are a lot of respect issues she finds "ancient", and me being the same age group, I understand her point of view. At the same time, I think of my parents first before her, so I don't egg her on too much when it comes to disagreeing with my parents. Just like how girls put up this "attitude" or nokhra business initially which men eventually tire of, the novelty of being married to a "foreign" desi eventually wears off for the girl. Its very easy for the 'respectable' girl to forget what it is that she had/lacked 'back home', and wake up to the reality that is North America/new home away from home. I agree, girls here are a bit too lax with their new mother-in-laws, and Ive heard horror stories about how girls here even prefer/force the hubby to move out of the home. Ive also seen cases where girls from back home, now that they are exposed to a culture that is completely nuclear, start raising the issue of wanting to live the North american nuclear family way as well. Its all relative - you get a city girl, and compare it with vs a not so modern city girl.... respect is a matter of degree, and if she will be living with her in-laws or not.

My point? A desi girl here is just as capable of showing respect to her new in-laws as much as a desi from back home. In my opinion, if she truly loves the dude, she will make an effort to get along with the parents as well. JUST LIKE how he will make an effort to show the same amount of respect to the girl's parents. It works both ways. Moreover, I think its important to remember that just because the girl lives away from home, provides leeway for the guy to avoid the whole "But I respect your parents too! Its not my fault theyre in desiland unlike my parents!" issue.

BUT, do desi girls here show that respect to their in-laws as much? I have seen both sides... Ive seen horrible in-laws and daughter-in-laws. If both of them would stop taking advantage of each other, or remember that they dont have to fight for their husbands'/son's affection like its going out of style, respect wouldnt even be an issue. Its just relative. Stop being petty and respect stops being an issue!

My 2 cents there. I think we lose insight and say that girls from back home are more respectful, when instead this respect word has been confused with "subservience". Canadian girls don't lack respect for their husbands, as you say. Theyre nuts (in a good way!). They love their hubbies, theyve waited long enough (and thats LONG) to get their man of their dreams... I hasten to wonder why they'd throw that out because of a little argument! I'm not married though, so I cant say from experience here either. However, I CAN tell you that Canadian desi girls DO feel that they need to be on equal footing with their husbands...(and I have to say, I disagree with this... Im convinced men and women are significantly different from each other - physically, emotionally. They have different strengths, and should focus on this instead of both genders trying to win this 'equality'/inequality war)

As unrealistic as this sounds, I know for me, I dont care if my in-laws will be a witch to me... I'm going to make sure they fall in love with me instead. What better way to win over in-laws these days?! Reverse psychology!

Anyways, I didnt have to say this, because reading your conclusion at the end ... I think you know what you want, and I think you'll get what you want because you're realistic about it. Your post wasn't as raucous as you made it sound, I suppose a few drafts were necessary! At the end of the day, be true to yourself, I wouldnt worry if people bring out the bug guns. You couldn't have said it better when you said, "Canadian desi women make it in love. They genuinely love their husbands (or so I like to believe)."

Kudos, mezba!

mezba said...

Atifa: You are right that guys can wait a bit longer, but there is also the success factor. If I wait till I am 30 I will be competing with doctors and other people who have accumulated riches (too busy to marry) and are now 30. There are all sorts of factors. I say the earlier the better, for everyone!

Suroor: Thank you for your kind comments. Yes, most mothers of guys want the very best for their son. To tell you the truth, I think most guys know at heart what they can reasonably get, so they won't reject a girl based on their mother's standards if they are reasonably happy. I don't know about the girls' side though.

mezba said...

Neena: What you say about wives not wanting to part with their income is also the Islamic rule. The husband's income is to be split between his and his family's upkeep, including a stipend for his wife, whereas he has no right on his wife's income. This is Islamic law.

While it would be nice if one's wife wanted to contribute to the family income, enabling them to partake in luxuries such as vacations or that extra big TV screen, if the wife wants to hoard her income, Islamically the husband can do nothing about it.

mezba said...

Isheeta:

Thank you very much for sharing your story.

To a large extent I believe it also depends on the company one keeps. Your bhabi is lucky to have a person such as you for a friend, though you are quite the diplomat it seems between your mom and your bhabi!

As for the respect thing, I agree that it's a chance thing. I have heard of stories where the new wife, once coming into Canada, declares to her husband that she now 'has rights here' and won't be cooking in the kitchen! Also, you don't know if the girl you are going to see in Bangladesh also has a "chakkar" (affair) with someone else, and is just marrying you because her parents are forcing her to or she needs immigration. Happened to a close friend of mine where he was used by his wife to come to Canada to sponsor her former boyfriend! That forced a lot of us to treat desi marriages with utmost caution.

You are bang on that men and women are different. When my cousin sister once told me she had trouble with the concept that her husband was allowed by religion to have the final word in some matters, I told her to choose someone whose word would be the same as hers! But yes, I look at my parents or my paternal uncles for that kind of harmony. They each do not interfere in other's sphere of influence and always present a united front to kids and to the outside world.

While a few drafts were necessary to just make the rant coherent, I do believe what I say on my blog is something that must be mine, I write here what I want and its what I am, and if I tailor it to some one else than I would have lost the authenticity, right?

Anonymous said...

Ho Ho Ho! here comes marriage. I think Bangladeshi girls are very economic and practical. AHEM! AHEM! And Bangladeshi guys are too. I can give you one good reason why should you marry a Bangladeshi girl and not a canadian bangaldeshi girl. you see bangladesh is a densely populated country. now do us a favor, marry as many bangladeshi girls as possible, so we can balance our population with canadian population. LOL! I am kidding. Nah actually i think you should choose the person whom you think is the best match for you. If you think it's a canadian girl who's ur best match, then marry her. what's the point of justifying your action, it's your life, your view. If i were in canada, i would marry a 100% canadian girl to show off I m 100% compatible with the place I like to live. Best of Luck.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mezba,
you forgot another big disadvantage of marrying a girl from bangladesh. The ability she has to handle the freedom once she gets to North America. I have seen alot of cases where girls who come from bangladesh are suddenly overwhelmed by the freedom they get here and actually become more disrespectful and less religious than girls who are raised here.
Also girls from back home do alot more family politics with the inlaws than girls from here such as
Girls from back home usually look at the husbands brother and sisters as "in laws" who you hav to be careful with and fight against for property in the future etc. while girls here are more likely to accept them as their own brother and sister because we are not constantly bombarded with examples of where the in-laws screwed over the wife.

As a girl raised here, I have always found girls who come from bangladesh recently to have a much more narrowed vision of the married life than girls here, even if the girls from bangladesh are modern. You can't really blame them because I'm sure if I was sorrounded by aunties constantly complaining about the husbands and the in-laws all my life, I'd have different views of marriage life too. The line even I have been told a few times is, "Shoshur barir shathe chalaki korte hoye". Honestly, I would like my in-laws to be my 2nd family, not someone who I have to pull politics with, but most bengali girls guys marry from bangladesh have that mentality engraved in their brains.

Also,
Are girls from bangladesh still as good as people think they are? I have a lot of cousins in bangladesh in their teens, and from what I've heard, dating begins in kindergarden now in bangladesh as well. On top of that, with the richer bengali boys and girls, dating multiple boys and girls is no big deal now. Now, girls here date as well, but theres a difference. Girls here will actually tell you the truth about their past because they want to be open with these sorts of things, but a girl from bangladesh will have years of conditioning, which ha staught them not to share everything with your husband because one day he will hold it against you.



Finally, about the respect issue.
i do agree that girls here expect the guys to earn their respect, but we don't expect the guys to respect us just for our face either, we earn our respect as well. This attitude comes from the fact that over here women want to be on equal footing with their husband, they don't want to look down on their husband, nor do they want the husband to look down on them and honestly that is the only way for both to be happy.

A marriage is a lifelong friendship in my opinion, the lovey-dovey romance usually passes with time and all you are left with is someone you love, who you talk to about everything, who you are the most comfortable with. Just like a best friend. In bangladesh, husbands and wives are hardly able to become best friends because of the dominance issue, and having the husband earn your respect (while doing the same for him) rather than just giving it to him because society says so is the first step towards becoming friends.


Anyways, just my 2 cents on the issue :)

Anonymous said...

Well mez, u have definitly touched on an issue that is important to discuss about. Marriage and Settlement.

Personally I think most parents will want to see their son's marry a girl from back home. The reason for this is because of their social circle and the people they interact with. If someone in the circle says a story in which a girl from Canada fought with her mother-in-law and disrespected her father-in-law, then everyone in that circle would agree that girls from here arent "good". I think its the peer pressure that forces them to make conclusions like these and so we see their wishes of an "imported" bahu. Now from the culture we belong from, it comes naturally to us to respect our parents's wishes and to listen what they say because they are our parents and will never think anything bad for us. After all, they have seen the world more than we have.

I have on the other hand seen marriages that have worked perfectly when both the guy and the girl are from Canada and have also seen marriages succeed in the case of the guy from back home and the girl from Canada. But these success stories are just handful.

Let me shed light on some points. ( Please note: These points are in no way to influence you or any reader. )

- A girl from back home has probably lived in a joint family. So, when she comes here, she will bring that mentality along with her and will never want "you" to move independently. [And in our culture, boys care for their parents and do not leave them (like it happens here) as they recognize the fact that their parents are getting older day by day and they need care, love and support which they want from their own children and not from a old-age care centre worker. I have seen, observed that a vast majority of girls want to move in separately after marriage. While their idea of "privacy" needs to be respected, it also breaks the parents' inside. Even though they wont say a word, it will hurt them inside.]

- Now-a-days, the education from back home is sufficient to get some job here in Canada (like admin, receptionist, clerk etc etc). There has been an instant awareness of the value of education from our countries back home due to the influx of qualified candidates those countries are producing year after year. The only concern would be the accent and the vocabulary she uses in her english conversations.

- A girl from back home would never care about your bank balance and your assets. For her the most important thing is the fact that she is getting a qualified husband. That's all!!! She will never ask how much money you make, whether you plan to buy a condo or a house, will never tell you that your car sucks and that you need to get a new one etc etc. She's content as long as she has you. But girls here seem to care about all the above mentioned things equally.

- Most boys (of our culture and descent) love to have some sort of bollywood-ish style of treatment in our homes. (eg: If you come late from work, she waits for you to have dinner with, she looks in the window of the house quite frequently to see if you came back from work, she will judge your mood and act accordingly).

These are just some points. You do see the same treatment of girls from here, but its quite seldom.

-Behbood

mezba said...

Anon (10.12): You raise an important point. One of the most successful marriages I have seen involves going back to Bangladesh to marry a girl who was educated in the West but has now returned to Bangladesh. They know how to handle themselves, yet are from the 'homeland' so it all works out for the returning desi groom.

About the family politics part, while living in a joint family structure back home it does play more role, I think family politics is also prevalent here. People are educated in the West so no one is going to dump kerosene over a wife and lit her on fire because of dowry issues, but there are other subtle facts at play (for example just watch Everybody Loves Raymond's Marie). I think family politics is ingrained in desi culture and happens no matter what.

One thing I will definitely say is that Bangladesh girls are not as they once were (as you say). But sometimes its good to hide certain things I believe. But there are still more girls in Bangladesh closer to what guys here have in mind, than girls here. Moreover, girls here don't seem to understand that they are playing a different set of rules as compared to guys, so they continue to lose out.

mezba said...

Behbood: I don't know if most parents would like to see their sons marry a girl from back home, most would just like a "good" girl, but I agree that the PERCEPTION exists amongst the older folk that girls from Bangladesh are better, and much of it is due to peer pressure.

I think as far as most guys go, they would be like me and want a girl from here. Less issues, less hassle and moreover, the wedding would be here which is where most of their friends are.

In my experience the success story of local girl and desi guy is limited to one or two. But it could just be my circle.

As for moving out, it depends on every individual family situation, number of siblings and age of parents etc., but Islamically a wife does have the right to her own house. I have one example of someone's marriage destroyed by both sets of parents. I believe had the couple lived by themselves they would have been ok.

"A girl from back home would never care about your bank balance and your assets ..."

lol Behbood I disagree with this strongly! But am laughing at the part "But girls here seem to care about all the above mentioned things equally."

As for your characterization of Bollywood expectations of grooms, amen to that! Cannot agree more!!! And don't forget, not only does she wait, she will be waiting with tea in hand, ready to give you the evening paper as she warms up the food while singing a song!!!

lol... Nowal are you angry now?

Bengali Fob said...

Why does it seem to me that the girls are screwed whether they are living in Canada OR they are in BD? How many times have you scratched your head wondering how a dude like that got a a beautiful woman for a wife?! (this has happened to me too many times) And how come it's only the girls here that watch too many Bollywood movies? If I'm not mistaken, Mezba, but guys here do too.

What's wrong with us girls in Canada/ US, etc wanting a guy like SRK? Isn't that a GOOD thing? I mean, it means that we're willing to overlook one or two physical flaws for a guy's inner attractiveness. (referring to SRK's nose) And isn't that what every guy (and girl) wants? Someone who will love them for WHO they are?

Wait, that made me think of something. Not all girls look for doctors and not all guys look for docile women from BD.

I know this all sounds like I'm bashing you, but I'm not. I'm talking about all those guys you are referring to in your post since you have already stated what you want in your future wife, which are quite good. (laughing at the tea thing though! I'm sure all the girls in Canada know how to make tea if not other things!)

Okay, I'm trying to find the place where it said that guys look for girls in BD b/c they'll be 'clean' as opposed to girls here?! I can't find it now, but I KNOW I read that somewhere on teh blog and let's just say I'm not happy with WHOEVER made that comment! That's just ridiculous and if it's a guy who himself has had many relationships then I'd like to be the first one to punch that guy in the nose! *fuming*

One more thing: what about the engineers? It's doctors AND engineers that most mums are obssessed with. I can't believe you forgot that part...

Anonymous said...

Interesting post. I didn't have a chance to read all of the comments, but I wanted to comment on this sentence found in one of the comments:
"Ive heard horror stories about how girls here even prefer/force the hubby to move out of the home."
I'm assuming this refers to siutaitons in which the girl prefers/forces her husband to move out of his parent's home and get her their own place. If so (and forgive me if I got it wrong), I have one question: what is wrong with that?!
I'm not desi, but I have a lot of desi friends. I don't quite understand this part of desi culture: if the husband can afford their own place, why can't he get one? Now, don't get me wrong, there are situations that a son needs to live with his parents; for example, if the parents are very old and need daily care. But in general, when a couple first marries, this is not the case. In my opinion, it is easier for all sides to get along and it's better for the married couple to have their own place, especially at the beginning. Just my two cents.

Anonymous said...

well mez... regarding the bank balance thing, maybe its the people I have encountered with in my life that have portrayed such an image. I personally have seen 4 girls (2 from our university and I am sure you know them very well if I name them) that were in our faculty (CS) and during casual discussions have mentioned that the only reason they were studying is to survive incase their main plan didnt work. And what is their main plan? Well, their primary motive was to hunt for a rich dude and make sure he has enough financial assets in store for the bad times and that he is qualified so that these girls could just be stay-at-home moms and nurture the cricket team of kids. (...I am not exaggerating any bit of info here...) So, education was their primary back up plan incase they failed to get a guy they want. Then these girls would have to work their way through and survive just as we all are doing.

And believe it or not, (call it carm or Cruel intentions), but those two girls have found rich partners.

The tagline from the oscar winner Titanic, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets", does make sense. You will never know what the woman is thinking even if u spent 10 years with her!!!

(I am just saying things from my observations...I dont have anything personal against any woman - from any part of the world. I am sure they all are the best thing a man could get and live with...this is just a mere observation and a chance to reflect at the intentions of some women)

- About the bollywood'ish treatment, see...i told ya. I know some guys who were laughing like hell when they saw VIVAH (Shahid kapoor and Amrita Rao). They found the dialogues cheezy and too old-fashioned. The truth is, every guy likes to hear those kind of dialogues...After a hectic day at work when he comes home, dialogues like these (not all the time...just sometimes) will make things better in just a moment.

-Behbood

Anonymous said...

I'm the Anonymous who posted at 3:20 pm.
Just to clarify - I don't think it's a good idea for a girl to force her husband to move out of his parent's home, especially if she had already agreed to this in the first place. BUT I think that it is within her rights (Islamically) to ask for her own place from the get-go (as I said before, while recognizing that there may be extenuating circumstances down the road).

mezba said...

Bfob: How a dude like that got a gorgeous girl like that?

One word: Moolah!

If you see Cosmopolitan, W, and all those other cheesy women mags you will see two types of articles: One - how to look hot and two - how to snag the successful man of your dreams. Money talks, and how.

Guys also watch too much Bollywood (as you will see on my next post or so) but they don't want to admit it. It looks kind of gay if you are a guy and admit you are a Salman Khan fan (sallu bhai...)

Lol at the tea thing. Knowing how to make tea and knowing how to present tea to your husband are two different things! ;-)

Um, about the comment, don't know but yes, there is an assumption that girls in bd are "clean" as compared to girls here who are "fast". Now this is not based in reality, as a cursory reading of Bd girls in Bdesh will show! If you still think so, just go to North South University (to name the most famous one for parties - it's like MacGill in its night outs).

I think engineers are now a bit out of fashion. The latest are CAs. Chartered Accounts. Or those who have done their masters as opposed to just undergraduates ... grrrrr :-@

mezba said...

Anon (3.20 & 3.51) I don't think there's a right or wrong answer with the moving out thing - it depends on situation to situation. I mean in most cases it would make sense to move out when you are newly married but what if you are a)just a student who just finished and still has student loans b)only sibling c) parents are really old etc. Lot of things to consider.


Behbood: 2 girls from our univ?! Now you got my curiosity piqued! I think I can guess who one of them is though lol. Talk about planning and karma! Although if I were a girl studying to prepare a standby plan in case my 'main plan' didn't work out, I would choose a field much easier than CS! AS long as they knew what they want. I have always said girls cannot criticize guys for going for looks when they themselves go for riches. As for your ocean comment, I am not even going to say anything lol.

I agree with your Vivah conclusion. Maybe we should have a post of suitable dialogues for wifey to say when husband comes home after a tiring day eh?

Anonymous said...

I agree with your Vivah conclusion. Maybe we should have a post of suitable dialogues for wifey to say when husband comes home after a tiring day eh?

Yes, that would be awesome !

Although if I were a girl studying to prepare a standby plan in case my 'main plan' didn't work out, I would choose a field much easier than CS!

Well see mez...these girls are smart enough to know that money is either in CS or in Business. Business is too much memorization and plus you have to go for professional certifications if you have a chance of getting a good salary. So, they choose CS..yes, its hard, but incase their Main plan failed, they needed to be educated in a field thats rewarding money wise. :) See these girls are smart :) very very smart...
The only way to understand some of them is to start thinking on their frequency. ;)

-Behbood

S.A. said...

Mezba,

Very interesting post, and some very honest comments and observations. Let me share some observations of my own.

I know some girls who went back home and married, and brought their husbands here, and are STILL happily married. Unique cases? Maybe… keeps faith up and hope alive.

Demands made by the girl’s family that the guy should be settled, have a decent job, even have a house/condo (that’s a plus actually!), are not demands made only by those back home – it’s made by parents of ALL girls (I will not raise the passport issue, ‘cos sadly, it is true, that many want their daughters married off to a non-resident so that they can live a better life abroad – who can blame them, the grass always seems greener on the other side, but little do folks back home realize that life is not a bed of roses abroad either – jaihok, that’s another issue). I know MANY girls here who also want the same thing – that the guy should be settled, and be able to offer them the comforts of life. To those girls I’d say, “You live in the West, you’ve been given equal rights, get an education, make good use of it, be financially independent, raise your own bank balance first, and you can give YOURSELF a comfy life too.” And in the process why not slightly spoil the BF/hubby too ;) (In case you’re still wondering, I’m a girl!) Trust me, I’ve heard comments such as, “the guy should give me a ring with a 2 carat stone” and so on. Yes, true that after a few years when the couple starts a family it may become necessary for the girl to stay at home to look after the kids and it may not be possible to be an earner in the family too, so YES, I will not downplay the importance of the MAN being the primary earning member of the household. So Mezba, when you say that one of the reasons why you want to marry someone from here is so that you can be SURE that the girl will be marrying you for YOU, and not your bank balance… well, all I’d like to say as a well-wisher is I sincerely hope that you find the kind of girl that you want.

As far as respect is concerned, I disagree that girls here do not respect their husbands, and demand that their husbands “earn” their respect. Respect and love go together, and I am a true believer of this (trust is the third angle in my triangle of a happy marriage). If anything, I think girls back home do not have as much respect for their husbands – it seems more like a pressure to them to give in to the male as part of the male dominant society that is still so prevalent back home – that’s not respect, that is called being subservient. And that does not bring about love. I have seen more marriages fall apart back home than here, but everyone has their observations and experiences – you have yours, and I have mine – we’re here to share our thoughts opinions, and not stamp out conclusions :) If anything, I believe that there is more respect in marriages that take place here because the spouse is able to understand the freedoms that are bestowed upon each other, as part of society AND by each other. Where respect for parents is concerned, this is an age-old adage – friction with the in-laws is a universal truth and is not a desi phenomenon and is not necessarily a sign of disrespect to the in-laws. Whether the person marries back home, or here, this is a reality and a diplomatic mission that both the guy and girl have to handle with care and patience. Lets look around us and learn from the experiences of others, and not repeat the mistakes those around us did (heck, look back at what our parents did - I think that could provide us with the biggest lesson), and think about how the situation could be made more favourable.

Hehe… girls’ moms looking for Abhishek looking-alikes for the Aishwarya’s mom look-alike daughters – LOL… well, who can blame the girls? If guys can demand that the girl be fair, of a certain height and weight, then why shouldn’t girls have some demands too? No point beating this issue to death – this reality in the hunt for the soul-mate will always be there, whether we are vocal about it or not…and whether we go back home to find our life-partner, or carry out our search here.

Let’s hope and pray we can all find what our heart wants and also see more examples of marriages that can help break the cycle of prejudices that instill fear inside us :D

ABCDlaw said...

Salaam!

I've been a lurker on your site for a while, and this post really struck a chord so I thought i'd comment. I think I have to agree with you about Bengali husbands being henpecked. My (Pakistani) friend just married a Bengali guy and man is he whipped. Not only is he her "ghulam" but also HER MOTHER'S. Now I was a bit surprised at how he let his mil boss him around, especially when she (my friend) does not do the same for his mother. As a matter of fact, she plainly ignores all traditional Bengali customs (and by doing that is disrespecting his parents).

For example, they are newlyweds so a Bengali aunty was throwing them a party and my friend shows up to this typical Bengali party in JEANS and a plain top and yes her mother in law was at this dinner party too. Now from what I know of aunties in general this would be a very shameful thing for any family if the new "bride" was not totally decked out.

And yes she is young (20) but i'm afraid she's already set in her ways. So i completely agree that girls from back home have a certain respect which some girls here may lack. But again I think people should judge the induvidual girls but again this is hit or miss. even though a person may appear to be religious (the friend mentioned above is a hijabi) they may not have the same ideas about respect and what it means.

Anyways, I really like your blog. You have though prvoking and entertaining entries :)

Samiha Esha said...

Mezba Bhaia.....You are simply Great .....its an excellent post and I found nothing to argue here...its actually the fact :)

Neena said...

Mezba,

Be smart and advertise this response. In no time you'll be overwhelmed by proposals from suitable and attractive girls around the world.

BTW, I’m happily married and yes I do share expenses with my hubby to certain extent so we both can spend time together as much as possible. If we do Islamic way then I will hardly see him and its non negotiable.

Anonymous said...

First, I gotta agree that you started an interesting topic. I got forwarded to your blog from a link posted on facebook. I still need to go through the comments on your post.

Just to add a point that will probably justify for some guys who do go back to Marry. I don't think it's that easy to even meet desi people here in US. Personally, after my graduation, I started working in the suburb in NY. I can meet someone from other nationalities, but forget about meeting someone with some sort of "bangladeshi" background. Well, I haven't in the last 3 years. It might be different where you live, and I gotta say you are lucky in that way. My only choice I see is go back and marry someone that my parents will like. I will probably have almost no time to know her, but what other choices I can have.

Abu Sinan said...

This post explained a lot to me, although I can say that what applies to Desis, certainly could be applied to people from the Middle East as well.

Desi culture is something I have been interested.

When I decided to get married, as a Muslim convert, I needed to decide what I wanted, needed, and liked in a woman.

Of course one of the major issues, as with anyone, is looks. I find Desi women attractive and Middle Eastern women attractive, so that narrowed the group down.

I already spoke some Arabic and had traveled in the Middle East and was comfortable and familiar with Arabic culture, so that cemented it for me.

Sabir said...

Interesting. I've always had the impression that Bangladesh was not as patriarchical as other Muslim nations (which is not necessarily a good thing; the current political crisis seems to be indicative of a systematic lack of strong leadership). Do you think that's the case?

mezba said...

Behbood: haha... lol. Good one.

S.a.:
I know some girls who went back home and married, and brought their husbands here, and are STILL happily married. Unique cases? Maybe… keeps faith up and hope alive.
Good stuff, happy stories. I like that.

So Mezba, when you say that one of the reasons why you want to marry someone from here is so that you can be SURE that the girl will be marrying you for YOU, and not your bank balance… well, all I’d like to say as a well-wisher is I sincerely hope that you find the kind of girl that you want.
I hope so too :-)

hmm about respect of parents and friction. It's something to think about, for sure.

abcdlaw: welcome!

My (Pakistani) friend just married a Bengali guy and man is he whipped.

Ouch! Sorry to hear that. Grrr....

If my parents threw a party and my wife showed up in pants you can bet I would have a thing to say or two! And it won't be "cute".

Samiha: Thank you for your comments.

mezba said...

Neena: lol

Anon (8.55): You don't need to tell me how hard it is to meet people here ;-) Ya I guess it doesn't give much time to know someone in Bdesh if you go back for a short vacation.

Abu Sinan: Your comments are of course welcome. I would suspect situations would be similar for Arab men here going back.

Sabir: I dont know much about Bangladesh society - it's been a while since I was there.

Neena said...

Though I don’t see any connection to Marriage post but still, I begged this chance ;).

the current political crisis seems to be indicative of a systematic lack of strong leadership

Or it could mean lack of too eager Army generals to benefit from this golden chance. Anyway in 1977 Pakistan too had a similar crisis and Zia pocketed the excuse and gave us the most unfair Marshall Law (we still are fighting to rise above it). I hope similar thing wouldn’t happen in Bangladesh as how weak their democracy is they always able to keep army away.

P.S. I'm from Pakistan hence the comparison since I see a parallel here.

Anisa said...

i just wanted to say that i had everything about obeying, submissive, etc. taken out of my marriage vows because i think that's a bunch of bull. i was raised to think for myself and stand up for myself. and my husband agrees.


thanks for the entertaining read! :)

Anonymous said...

"What you say about wives not wanting to part with their income is also the Islamic rule. The husband's income is to be split between his and his family's upkeep, including a stipend for his wife, whereas he has no right on his wife's income. This is Islamic law."

I just want to know where did you find out about it. Is there a hadith or is it somewhere in the Qur'an?? I just want something to show to my husband in this regard who will be in total disagreement with you regarding this if he read this comment.

Thanks!

Abu Sinan said...

Anonymous,

The Qur'an states: "Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend of their wealth (for the support of women)." [4:34]

Keeping the house, having and raising children is considered work, so infact Muslim women, even if they have no job outside the home, certain have a job in the home!

There is a hadith that says:

"Listen carefully! you have some rights over your wives and your wives have rights over you. They guard your beds against being polluted by others and see that the persons disliked by you must not find entrance in your house. And listen they have their rights over that you should feed and clothe them well."

The Prophet also said that the best gift or charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife.

sonia said...

go mezba! :-)

you've won yourself a huge female following with this one - ( not that you didn't have one before anyway...)

bet all the other fellas are out there gnashing their teeth, heh heh.

Tee said...

Regardless of whether I agree with the the opinions posted here, I found it a very interesting and well written read. (Came via Aisha).

As for the age thing - I think this could be said among men all over the world, no matter what culture. That is why we women have so many products to help "regain youth" or "look younger". And why men go through a mid-life crisis, divorce their wife and get a young girlfriend.

I guess the reasons for this (Men prefering younger women over women their own age) are varied. Scientifically perhaps it could be said that it's instinct to pick the most fertile, but I think saying that makes men look a bit primitive, don't you?

So my question is, why the younger woman? The looks between a 25 year old and 21 year old are probably not obvious. If the 25 year old lied, you would never even know.

Besides, the 25 year old would be your better pick. Isn't there something to be said for maturity, knowledge and wisdom? ... Most 21 year olds don't have a lot of any of those yet.

Anyway, well written. Nice to "meet" you outside of Aisha's comments ;)

The friendly lion said...

Hey

i have linked this post here: http://rantingsofapakichick.blogspot.com/2007/03/marriage-and-desi-marriage.html

Anonymous said...

Mezba, Great blog. I just started reading your blog and find it fascinating. I agree with most of the points you are making. I married the middle class/BD graduate that just moved here. I thought I outsmarted them all, and got me best of the both worlds. One thing that is wrong with goind back to BD to hunt for a wifie is that, the social norms are much different. We (in north amrika) are stuck in a time warp a decade behind. Dhaka has progressed economically, where girls have different expectations out of life, and more liberal and free with their male counterpart. Gone are the days of your wifie making tea for you in the morning. If anything, the BD girls still have that standard stuck in their head, so if You are after that TEA in the morning, you are better off marrying BD girls in here.

sonia said...

whoever posted the last comment made some good points. girls in dhaka range from 'old fashioned' goody goody to super modern of course im not going to live in a joint family. take your pick but it would be silly to assume they're all the same ( just as it is to assume all girls in canada will be the same)

does seem to be the case that a lot of fellas brought up in the west have much more old fashioned ideas about living with in-laws than blokes in dhaka. as girls are 'becoming modern' in dhaka - so are the blokes!

has no one ever visited the dhaka hottie sites?!

or been to dhanmondi lake - ever!

Sonia said...

oh yes and it's not just the 'english school' types hanging out in dhanmondi lake - which appears to be a popular idea that only the english medium 'set' are 'fast'. ive seen all sorts during my time hanging about that lake..including women in niqabs
( a very good disguise after all when you want to be out with your boyfriend and not recognised)

*chortle*

Anonymous said...

I have to say that the "obedient, chai making" BD imported wife is something I don't agree with. I know this because of my mamis and various new aunties I see. Most modern bengali women from bangladesh are very "chalo" unlike us girls brought up in the US/Canada. My uncle is scared to death of his wife who is at least ten years junior, plus she's a doctor, to do something against her will. She's the boss and if she told him to sit, he will actually sit. While we US/Canadian born can't even decide on our major in college, they have they're life completely planned out at seventeen, including on how to manipulate their future husbands into buying them what they want. Girls in BD understand phsycology a lot better than we do and know to do all the sweet talking on how to get everyone to love em. Us western girls are more simple minded,; we are who we are and speak the truth bluntly, if I don't like your cooking I won't insist on how wonderful it was, and we don't know how to play all the bahu-shashuri mind games. And plus if you look around in Dhaka, there are very few girls without boyfriends. My point, somehow they are more mature and prepared to enter the complexity of desi marriages and win than us girls in the west.

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with the whole "obedient and chai-making" brides from bangladesh and I say this from watching a lot of women including my chachi. She is a doctor (from bangladesh anyways)and she treats my uncle like crap. If she tells him to sit under a tree for an hour, he has to do it or all hell will break lose. I see other bengali women brag about how they get their husbands to do what they want. It just seems like us western girls brought up here don't understand to whole manipulating and sweet talking phsycology. We are who we are and speak the truth. If I don't like your cooking, I'm not gonna lie about how wonderful it was. And also bengali girls are much more "chalo", and know exactly what they want and have they're whole life planned out at seventeen including on how to control their husbands and sweet-talk their way through anything, while I can't even decide on a college major. I don't mean to generalize or offend anyone, but I just can't play the whole bahu-shashuri mind games. Perhaps its the envireonment one grows up in, and infact I sometime wish I was rather brought up in Dhaka than in the US.

HalfDeen said...

My friend went back to BD and no success.

mezba said...

Neena: I have to educate myself on Pakistani politics I don't know much.

Anisa: May you and your husband have a long and happy marriage!

Anon: Abu Sinan answers you below.

Abu Sinan: Thanx. I knew the law but didn't have the reference.

Tee: Welcome to the blog (yes I know I am late in replying). I know men tend to go for younger women. I am not arguing for or against - just saying this is the way it is and women here looking for marriage partners just start out late and with two strikes against them already!

Friendly Lion: Thanx!

Anon (1:13): My friends tell me that same thing nowadays.

Sonia: You know, I visited Dhaka recently and I agree with most of your points.

Anon (3:11): I think it depends on the couple. Most men give a little in exchange for some, er, benefits. As one of my friends very crudely put it, "all for a patch of fur".

HalfDeen: Why?

raniyas said...

I think when girls turn +24, they want at least something, after having finished education, being raised in the west, etc. The girls are usually ripped out of their familiar environment and are told to serve a completely new family and consider them their own, and if they even demand their own place, they are looked down upon as if they have committed a crime, and seen as arrogant and too demanding. Yet, what does the guy has to bring in? Does he leave his family and friends behind? No. He has all the comforts as before, and expects his wife to be from the west and perfect.

mezba said...

Raniyas: I am just stating what is realistic. This is how it works, now if girls here are delaying marriage because they want something more the guys (mostly) will go back 'home'.

Nasmira said...

"..most parents of sons want a daughter-in-law at least 2-4 years younger (and truth be told, the guys would like that too)"..
Well..completely out of curiosity and ignorance, I ask...why do men want "younger" girls? (not an offensive tone really..*just curious*)

mezba said...

Nasmira, peer pressure?

I mean some people do say older women are great. I had one guy say to me (not a very female friendly joke but wth) that "older ladies don't swell, they don't tell, and they are as grateful as hell" ...

Anonymous said...

I'm a British Bengali guy and I definitely want to go back to Bangladesh to marry. There are just more options 80 million Bengali females. Extrapolate to find my age range LOL.

Also, I will get flak this, but in my experience British Bengali guys and girls are ready to throw stereotypes about living , breathing men, women and children in Bangladesh who struggle a lot compared to the spoiled, cherished lives Britons live.

However, when they try to throw stereotypes back at British Bengalis (rude, attitude, terrorist, violent, chav, obese etc.) WW3 breaks out.

Overall, I think if we are throwing stereotypes about (an just to preface: once again bengali guys are worse than Bengali girls!) if I'm talking about Western Bengali girls; the majority of them are rude, materialistic, extreme, arrogant, cheat on you, argue with your parents or are just generally not very humble and understanding. So overall, I prefer Bengali traditional girls from Bdesh rather than Western/Arab wannabe girls that can be found here.

Some cases include Bengali guys marrying Bengali here. Girl cheats on him with some Arab guy or Turkish guy at her workplace end of marriage etc. (Also, many cases of amazing girls, but the Bengali guys is drug abuser or goes to prison etc.)

mezba said...

My experience of British muslims are limited, but in Canada the girls wait too long to get married and then moan about why they can't find anyone (because, hey, the guys are the same age as you and they want someone younger).

Bibi said...

So, perhaps a few years late... But I wanted to add that many Bengali girls like myself, have given up on Bengali men in the West and Desh... We are marrying out :)

jumpdates said...

Hmm, all very interesting comments to the post and all seem to share similar thoughts.
My take on having grown up in the UK and lived many years in the US but born young in Bangladesh is that I see many of the personalities of the kids being shaped by the parents.
I am no psychologist but I can speak from some experience.

The fact that many folks come to the US especially parents of young children have a strong inclination towards the Bengali culture. Unless the parents have a very 'mixed' and open view of the society here in US they will continue to profess and preach what they know without true appreciation of the western culture. It actually stems from the need to 'blockade' western influence which they have already argued as 'too liberating or free' which can potentially divert their children somehow towards a 'bad path' that can be damaging. What a shame, since I have seen both sides of the culture with an open mind and tried to acquire what is good on all sides without being judgmental and taking either side.

What happens as a result, is that the children take on a 'mixed' confused personality where their conversation centers around 'oh, stop thinking like a white or gora'. Almost as though their ways of life are degenerate or something and the culture they follow is somehow superior to theirs. Firstly, it is very ignorant and bigoted thinking that is not going to win friends with any open minded person be it in the west or east. On the other token, they indirectly credit the white folks when it comes to discriminating black folks. Oh, this area must be good since it is primarily a white community!

Unfortunately, I have seen kids grown up in this thinking and the kids definitely are a bit messed up as a result. Their opinions are shaped by their parents and they stopped to think if they are even right or wrong. What makes it worse is that they choose to 'live' a life of two cultures, for example, I am too independent and want this 'free lifestyle' of the West but in some cases do not participate in the backward thinking of some Bengali 'culture'. How quaint and convenient. It disheartens me when this is the kind of personalities I come across from the Bengali culture. The children end up taking advantage of their situation ie. let me enjoy the benefits of what Bengali has to offer ie. stay at home forever where mother and father can provide for me and let me simply delay the marriage. I am sorry, but you simply cannot do or think like that. The respect of one's parents now come into the picture ie. to abide by them and follow the tradition of having an arranged marriage. I hope the readers understand that 'independence' comes at a price and not at the convenience of what the society has to offer.

I wanted to see how many readers would agree to some of these points.
Thanks