Wednesday, November 27, 2013

When Searching For Right Becomes Wrong

I recently published a post over at Love Inshallah entitled "How I Met My Son's Mother" (the title was a play on my favourite sitcom How I Met Your Mother) which outlined my thoughts on the whole arranged marriage process, as well as some provocative conclusions I had of the whole situation. Of course this has resulted in some ladies getting mighty upset. There has been posts and counter posts against my original post, the editors thought it wise to add a disclaimer, and even altmuslimah got into the act. The kicker was the paragraph on the altmuslimah article that actually seemed to say being involved in relationships prior to marriage is a good thing.

The whole hullaballoo reminded me of one wise saying that I feel is a guiding principle of my life.

"Right is right, no matter how few follow it, wrong is wrong no matter how many acclaim it."

Having said all that, let me distill it all down to five main points which even those that had a go at me will have a hard time disproving. I don't mind criticism, and I ignore insults (both Prophet Musa and Muhammad, peace be upon them, far better men than lil 'ol me, faced insults and harassments over far more complex issues).

1. It is good to get married early. It is the Islamic thing to do.

Can any one really deny that Islam encourages us to get married early? The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) got married early (25 years of age), most of the Sahabah got married in their late teens or early twenties, and it was the practice of the Muslims to get married as soon as they were able to and were of age. And we are talking about guys here. Girls used to get married as early as 13 or 14.

Times and societies differ, but I think in today's day and age, a man should start looking for a wife sometime after finishing his university undergraduate degree (say around the age 24), while a woman should start looking sometime before (perhaps at the age of 21).

2. It is easier for a younger woman to get married as opposed to an older woman. Men generally prefer a wife younger than them.

Of course, whenever you say this, someone will then bring up the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him)'s marriage.

Muhammad (pubh) married Khadija who was 40 and he was 25, and she was much older than him and married 2 times prior to marrying the prophet, and had several children previously ...

While quoting this famous example of Khadijah, many people conveniently forget three main parts of her story.
  • To be academic, Khadijah was only 28 years old when she married the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), not 40. This is the most authentic opinion. She was thus only 3 years older than her husband, who was 25 [Source, go to 21:30].
  • Khadijah herself married at a very early age (her first marriage).
  • Muhammad (peace be upon him) married Aisha, Hafsa, Zainab etc. all of whom were much younger than him (and who had all, with the exception of Aisha, been married before, and at an early age). In fact, Aisha was also very young, having just stepped into puberty.
  • He encouraged young, single men to marry young, single women.
It is common sense that a woman is much more desirable as a marriage partner when she is 21 as opposed to when she is 31. And of course, no one decides to get married and poof! the next day they have found someone. It takes about 1-2 years of searching before you find someone. Starting at an age of 21 means a woman will generally get married when she is 23 or 24. If you start at 25, it's much harder.

Most guys who are in the arranged marriage process will be of the age 24-29. When you factor in that the average age difference between the husband and the wife in an arranged marriage is about 2-4 years, then you know why, as soon as a woman crosses the age of 25, she finds the pool of available men diminishing, and it gets harder and harder to find a suitable match.

A small disclaimer. I am not criticizing girls or guys who started looking but didn't meet someone. They are not single by choice. No, I am criticizing those who delay marriage for career, for education, for "I want to relax and have a good time".

3. Be chaste. You should avoid relationships before marriage and be professional in dealing with the opposite gender.

Surah Qasas verses 23-28 is a great anecdote of how Musa (peace be upon him) met his first wife. Men and women can and will interact, and this interaction should be professional, to the point and exactly what is necessary. A woman, if she likes a man, can initiate the proposal and Musa, as a young man, deals with the marriage proposal with the girl's father in a proper and honourable manner. There is no flirting, no "going out", no improper behavior at all. In fact, Allah praises his wife as "being shy".

Lo and behold.

I don’t appreciate the idea of if someone has been in a relationship then she’s automatically off the list

We’ve both had relationships before we met each other, and they made us more complete and interesting individuals, with a better idea of what we want and don’t want in life and in a partner

And of course, the altmuslimah paragraph (kind of strange for an article on a site with 'muslim' in its name to promote this sort of activity).

I’m tired of the attitude that women should be blamed for the relationships they’ve been in, and I’m frustrated that dating implies sex in the minds of so many Muslims. Spending some time with members of both sexes can be done in a halal way, can lead to a successful marriage in the best case, and (if nothing else) is a healthy way of developing comfort and a mature attitude towards relationships – a time investment that pays off when you get married ...

If you are "dating", you are going out with some member of the opposite gender just to have a good time, and you are then in a relationship (emotional, physical, doesn't matter) with someone ("he's my boyfriend"), then you are doing something that is not sanctioned by Islam. Can anyone really argue that? If you love someone, get married to that someone.

Some disclaimer, I don't think a broken engagement, or time spent with someone in 'getting to know them' (for a short while, for the purpose of marriage), or a divorce counts as a bad thing. Engagements break, you spend time getting to know someone honourably to find out that it won't work, and marriages fail - these things happen. No, what I absolutely cannot recommend is getting into an emotional (and perhaps physical) relationship with someone where all of society knows you as a couple and yet you are not married for years - why?

This applies both to guys and girls. I don't like the double standard that sometimes gives men a free pass for their behavior (boys will be boys) but holds girls to strict standards. A chaste, Muslim woman who has kept herself in check should have the full right to say no to a prospective suitor that has 'played around'.

4. Don't follow those who are not into arranged marriage.

It has to be said, if you are going to go the arranged marriage route, than don't follow as an example those who are NOT going to go through this route. Let me give an example.

There are many people who will have found their special someone through dating, or perhaps they met in the university and kept in touch, and then later started to "go out" with this person on dates and so on. These people are not the 'arranged marriage' type. They are in a long term relation with their special someone, and after some suitable time, they will get married. If the relation breaks, then they will find someone else to date, and marry.

These Muslims, while still being officially "single", are in a relationship. They live alone, work after graduation, further their careers while being in a relationship. However, they are not married, and will probably get married after a long courtship, perhaps at the age of 28 or 29.

If a Muslim man, or worse yet, a woman, looks to these people as examples, and thinks, "Wow, I too get remain single until I am 26 or 27, and then get married" they are in for a delusion. The two processes to marriage are completely different.

5. When it comes to children, women make the greater sacrifice, and Islam encourages having children.

A righteous son can act as sadqah jariah, and a daughter can be the key to paradise.

There is a reason why the mother has a very high status in Islam. In modern times, it's not sexism, or the glass ceiling, or the 'old boys club' that is the primary reason men rise higher in the corporate ladder than women. It's motherhood.

At some point, a couple will face the decision to start a family. And this will put the woman's career in jeopardy, even with great maternity benefits and laws. While she's at home, male colleagues will get that promotion, gather that extra experience and take that training. This is a sacrifice.

Moreover, most fathers will say they would prefer their wives to take care of their kids at home if money wasn't an issue.

This is another reason a woman should marry early. Then she has enough time to focus on her career or fulfill her dreams of higher education, whatever it may be, and still leave enough time for children.



These were my main points from my Love Inshallah article. As I expected, many feminists attacked me at once for my "privileged views" (whatever that may be). However, the truth has to be said. If people ignored their own opinions and their own "feelings" and dedicated more time to loving, understanding and following the sunnah, the Marriage Crisis that we in the Western Muslim community are facing (largely as a result of our own actions) will be no more.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Agree with you Mezba.
Some points that these critics make:

a) It's about ME. Family,society,religion,culture,the government yadda yadda should support me in my choices. If they do not do so they are bad.

b) When we talk about general principle, they always bring special or so called corner cases.

c) Don't be judgemental of thier choices or lifestyle. However they will judge you, your culture,Prophet (SAW), the Sahaba and the ulema according to thier views.

d) Privilege. You are privileged but they dont realize how privileged they themselves are really are.

e) You can and should have whatever you want.

Sabrina said...

Salam Mezba,

I used to follow your blog, much BEFORE you decided to get into things like this. Anyhow, I would urge you to be careful about quoting hadith to suit your (or, anyone else's) situation as you please. The hadith of Jabir was massively taken out of context. For that, it is important to read the entire hadith. I am quoting the whole conversation here:

Jabir b. 'Abdullah (Allah be pleased with them) reported: 'Abdullah died and he left (behind him) nine or seven daughters. I married a woman who had been previously married. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to me: Jabir, have you married? I said: Yes. He (again) said: A virgin or one previously married? I said: Messenger of Allah, with one who was previously married, whereupon he said: Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you could sport with her and she could sport with you, or you could amuse with her and she could amuse with you? I said to him: 'Abdullah died (he fell as martyr in Uhud) and left nine or seven daughters behind him; I, therefore, did not approve of the idea that I should bring a (girl) like them, but I preferred to bring a woman who should look after them and teach them good manners, whereupon he (Allah's Messenger) said: May Allah bless you, or he supplicated (for the) good (to be) conferred on me (by Allah).
-The Book of Marriage, (Sahih Muslim) #3460

Or, another version, which is even more detailed:

Jabir b. 'Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) reported: I went out with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) on an expedition, but my camel delayed me. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) came to me and said to me: Jabir, I said: Yes. Allah's Messenger, (here I am at your beck and call) He said: What is the matter with you? I said: My camel has delayed me and is tired, so I have lagged behind. He (the Holy Prophet) got down and goaded it with a crooked stick and then said: Mount it. So I mounted and (to my great surprise) I saw it (moving so quickly that) I had to restrain it (from going ahead of) Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). He (the Holy Prophet) (in the course of journey said to me): Have you married? I said: Yes. He (again) said: Is it with a virgin or one previously married? I said. With one previously married, whereupon he (again) said: Why not with a young girl with whom you could sport and she could have sported with you? I said: I have sisters, so I preferred to marry a woman who could keep them together (as one family). who could comb them and look after them. He said: You are about to go (to your house), and there you have the enjoyment (of the wife's company). He again said: Do you want to sell your camel? I said: Yes. So he bought it from me for one u'qiya (of silver), Then Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) arrived (at Medina) and I arrived in the evening. I went to the mosque and found him at the door of the mosque, and said: Is it now that you have arrived? I said: Yes, He said: Leave your camel, and enter (the mosque) and offer two rak'ahs. So I entered and offered two rak'ahs of prayer, and then returned. He (the Holy Prophet) then commanded Bilal to weigh out one 'uqiya (of silver) tor me. Bilal weighed that out for me (lowering the scale of) balance. So I proceeded and as I turned my back he said: Call for me, Jabir. So I was called back, and I said (to myself): He would return me the camel, and nothing was more displeasing to me than this (that after having received the price I should also get the camel). He said: Take your camel and keep its price with you, (also).

- The book of Marriage #3463.

If you analyze the text in the historic and geographic context, I fail to see that the Prophet is telling people to marry young virgins. If that was so, why on earth did he not follow his own rules. Except for Aisha, not a single wife of his was a virgin; most already had kids before him and many of them were significantly older than him.

(continued)

Sabrina said...

As sad as I am to say this, I was deeply shocked and saddened to see your comments/blog post on "Love inshaAllah" that are not only harsh and unpolished, but also set a very poor example of Bengali Muslim men. I feel like our communities, our leaders and our teachers, and most importantly our mothers and our fathers failed our brothers.

You are absolutely free to have your own opinions about single women any older than 21 being useless and their existence being pointless, but, it would be nice had you not justified your harsh words and opinions in the name of MY Prophet and MY religion. Don't go around saying hurtful things in the name of the love of the very Prophet whom we, many single older women, hold very dear to our hearts. At the end, Allah is the judge, and He knows what is in our hearts. You may make all the assumptions of us older and loose women (often times, women in my cohort, the first generation Americans, did not have the luxury to be fed and taken care of by their parents but the scene was quite the opposite and we pursued a career to take care of our elderly parents). But only Allah knows what is people's heart.

I wish you all the peace and happiness but I do ask that you do not go around acting holier than thou in the name of my Prophet or my religion. Our religion, first and foremost, should teach us humility.

Anonymous said...

It wasn't just women who had a problem with your post. Many men did too.
Personally I was glad you wrote it - it was honest, and honesty is always refreshing.
However, you are being quite defensive when people are expressing different perspectives in the comments. It seems impossible for you to understand what it is like to be a woman in this arranged marriage process as you call it. I wish you could experience "the male gaze" and all the judgements it encompasses.
I got married at 23 via arranged marriage, and my husband ended up with schizophrenia. We are now divorced, and of course according to your criteria, men would not marry me (if I wanted to get remarried).
Finally what I found most frustrating about your original post was the focus on your potential bride's beauty. Of course you need to be attracted to your wife - that is important. But to keep saying she needs to be hot, look good in a sari, even joke about her being out of your league etc - that might make her a beautiful bride, but it's no guarantee she'll make a lovely wife. Looks don't last! And they seriously are not that important. And I've been called incredibly beautiful over and over again. SO please, don't say it is because I am ugly. Beauty isn't even in a woman's control - Allah blesses who He wills with beauty. Grooming, sure. Exercise yes. these are in our control. Anyway, I found that part to be extremely offensive.

Anonymous said...

Regarding your last point, sure maybe if people follow your perspective there won't be "a marriage crisis" anymore...but what about the divorce crisis. I think if Muslim men and women rushed into marriage and chose their spouses based on your criteria (age, chastity, women must sacrifice and compromise, motherhood above all, women's appearance etc) the Divorce Crisis in the ummah would be exponentially worse. What about the people - men and women who are infertile? Are they doomed to remain single and useless?

Anonymous said...

What irked me the most is how you think it's totally cool for YOU to chill after graduation but gasp lord forbid women want to do the same.
21 yo is still immature in many ways. 25 is when you are more mature and have grown (scientific fact) and surer of who you are and what you want.
21 is considered very young in today's world. Majority of the youth these days are not mature enough at 21 and that goes for girls as well..if I married at 21, I'd be divorced by now.

You have every right to choose whoever you want with whatever standards you choose. But pls don't justify your individual judgments with Islam. This same religion is against being so damn judgmental and holier than thou.

Anonymous said...

Also, men prefer 21 y/os really?
There was a survey done and most men preferred emma stone (25) over Kate Upton (21). Maybe bc western men look at personality more.
Women are desirable for marriage at least until they are 35 although many get married after the aforementioned age.
Maybe it's just desi men who are this shallow. They'd rather have a young woman in early 20s over a mid 20 something who is more mature and has a pleasant personality. Sure *young* women can be mature and have good personalities but scientifically your brain doesn't develop until you are about 25. If I got married at 21, I'd be divorced by 25.

Anonymous said...

I'm writing this is parts bc your post was still too shocking snd I keep remembering stuff to say.
Regarding wanting a wife who stays at home- I personally don't see anything wrong with that. Many women do want to stay home with their babies and many want to work at least part time. I guess it's a lifestyle preference.
Wanting to marry a virgin or someone who has never been *emotionally* intimate is going to be a bit hard. Your prospect isn't under any obligation to reveal their past. I had someone in my life I thought I loved and wanted to marry. He showed signs of the same..but it didn't work out. I realized we were different people and ended it. I'm very well over him now and can commit myself to someone else. My *past* made me more aware of what I want. I didn't lose my *dignity* but I certainly have had a few people I thought of pursuing. If that makes me a loose woman, be it.
I personally am sick of the desi culture and would rather marry a revert non desi muslim guy.

Anonymous said...

I realise that this article was apparently written for those who have chosen to delay their marriages for no apparent reason....however how about myself and many women like us who have been looking since then early 20s find ourselves in our 30s still unmarried despite efforts to get married.

The article frankly left me very disheartened and tearful. And the use of Khadija (RA) example suggesting that even her age of marriage is incorrect is even more concerning. We must encourage our menfolk to realise that 'older' women are not misfits or lepers of society.

Furthermore, placing todays physiological understanding on women of the Prophets time is not appropriate. During the time of Prophet Adam there are many reports on how people lived much longer, were very tall etc not mirroring modern day. Similarly, to suggest a woman in her 40s was unable to provide the Prophet SAW with 6 children based on what we understand now is highly insulting. If you start to question this then the birth of Isa and many other miracles will be bought in disrepute! Furthermore, the historical accounts of the age of Aisha when she was married again are variable.

Please take care when writing such blogs. Allah has provided you with a wife at a time which was written for you and therefore do not deny others whose destiny has not been written in the manner you seek!

mezba said...

@Anon, thanks for your comment.

- when people say it's about ME, what they don't realize their choices should be for the long term. Sure it may give some positive feeling to be single when you are 26 and independent, but if that makes it tougher to find someone you like in the long term, suddenly that CHOICE is a bad CHOICE.

- absolutely. And for every special or corner case they bring, I can bring some opposite example.

- some critics also pick and choose the sunnah they like and ignore the context and other sunnah.

- I never understood this priviledge thing.

- One thing about Islam is voluntarily giving you your choices (it's called sacrifice) for the sake of Allah.

mezba said...

@Sabrina, thank you for being a long time reader. Time to clarify some of your assertions.

I NEVER used the hadith of Jabir to say the Prophet recommended marrying young virgins. However, it is generally accepted that single young men do marry single younger women.

Also, if you study the hadith of Jabir, Jabir was a special case. The Prophet pbuh is saying generally young men marry young women, so why didn'y you?

There is also a hadith of Aisha (pbuh) which I am reproducing here.

Narrated 'Aisha (ra) :

I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Suppose you landed in a valley where there is a tree of which something has been eaten and then you found trees of which nothing has been eaten, of which tree would you let your camel graze?"
He said, "(I will let my camel graze) of the one of which nothing has been eaten before."

(The sub-narrator added: 'Aisha meant that Allah's Apostle had not married a virgin besides herself.)

[sahih al-bukhari volume 7, book 62, number 14]

So in conclusion, young men typically marry young women, and the hadith of Aisha would indicate this is the general advice. Even the hadith of Jabir points that in general, young men do this.

You are absolutely free to have your own opinions about single women any older than 21 being useless and their existence being pointless

WHERE did I say anyone over 21 is useless or pointless? Please don't derive your own conclusions and attribute them to me.

mezba said...

@Anonymous, thanks for your comment.

I got married at 23 via arranged marriage, and my husband ended up with schizophrenia.

I am very sorry about your case. I have a relative where the guy was older, and married a woman (also older) who had schizophrenia. They are divorced as well.

We are now divorced, and of course according to your criteria, men would not marry me (if I wanted to get remarried).

When did I say that? My point of view is directed at young women who wait till 25-26 to get married for the first time by choice.

And about looks, I am on record saying the primary focus should be first on piety, honesty, character, compatibility etc. Only after these considerations do beauty come as a factor.

@Anonymous, the divorce issue is another factor that is not dealt with in the post.

The original post on Love Inshallah was supposed to be a personal chronicle, not a detailed sermon or thesis.

mezba said...

@Anonymous,

What irked me the most is how you think it's totally cool for YOU to chill after graduation but gasp lord forbid women want to do the same.
21 yo is still immature in many ways. 25 is when you are more mature and have grown (scientific fact) and surer of who you are and what you want.


You say 21 is immature. Really? People were getting married and starting families at 15. Juliet was 13, Romeo was 16 (or thereabouts) in Romeo and Juliet.

I have a theory that many people who marry young actually stay married because they try to make it work and are less picky. They have seen less of the world and are less set in their ways.

But pls don't justify your individual judgments with Islam.

You can ignore the fact that Islam encourages marrying while young, but that's the truth.

There was a survey done and most men preferred emma stone (25) over Kate Upton (21). Maybe bc western men look at personality more.

Sure, that's a very scientific observation. Let's ignore thousands of years of reality. The reality is that for a long time, a young man was considered an adult once you are 14 or 15, and a young woman was considered of age once they reach 12 or 13. I am saying a woman should start considering marriage when she is 21 (and probably get married by 23 or 24) and this has your panties in a knot.

@Anonymous,

I realise that this article was apparently written for those who have chosen to delay their marriages for no apparent reason....however how about myself and many women like us who have been looking since then early 20s find ourselves in our 30s still unmarried despite efforts to get married.

I wish and pray Allah will help all those who want to get married, get married.

Anonymous said...

So, are you saying people should get married at 15? Why didn't YOU get married as a teenager then?
Times have changed. Economies have changed. People aren't mature or can afford a spouse early on in their lives. If they can, more power to them but majority of people are still figuring their lives out at 21. At 21 they are still in college.

You left out the point about being a hypocrite. Guys can have fun before getting married but women should consider marriage before they are out of college even.
Just admit it. You are the typical sexist desi privileged guy.

So you married your wife when she was 21? Cool. Not all of us have marriage and babies on their mind that early in our lives. It doesn't make us any less a woman than someone who pops out babies 9 months from her wedding night.

Mohammad said...

It is naive to think that western men look at women's personalities instead of age on the basis of one survey.
And for the sister thinking non-desi Muslim men are better, is she aware that there are cultures even more chauvinistic than the desi one ?

Anonymous said...

Mohammad: yes I know Italian culture is very chauvinistic as well.
Women are held to a higher standard as far as age is concerned but to be crossed off a list bc you are 25 and not 21 or 22 is actually ridiculous. Our girls are pushed to marry as soon as they are out of college whereas guys can chill and rekax and have me time before getting hitched.
This article and the writer is desi so I can speak about my own personal observations and experiences.
I do find desis are more ageist than westerners generally. In desi culture a woman is expired at 24 or 25. In the west you are crazy to think you are old and non marriageable at 25 or even 30.

mezba said...

@Anon, try reading the post before you start commenting.

So, are you saying people should get married at 15? Why didn't YOU get married as a teenager then?

I wrote this: Times and societies differ, but I think in today's day and age, a man should start looking for a wife sometime after finishing his university undergraduate degree (say around the age 24), while a woman should start looking sometime before (perhaps at the age of 21).

As you can see, 21 is not equal to 15.

You left out the point about being a hypocrite. Guys can have fun before getting married but women should consider marriage before they are out of college even.
Just admit it. You are the typical sexist desi privileged guy.


If by fun you mean "hanky panky" than no.

And why don't you enlighten us as to how your having fun is working out for you?


@Muhammad, agreed.

@Anon, a woman will be crossed off a list if she is 25, by a guy who is also 25 (or 26). Generally guys marry younger.