When Searching For Right Becomes Wrong

I recently published a post over at Love Inshallah entitled "How I Met My Son's Mother" (the title was a play on my favourite sitcom How I Met Your Mother) which outlined my thoughts on the whole arranged marriage process, as well as some provocative conclusions I had of the whole situation. Of course this has resulted in some ladies getting mighty upset. There has been posts and counter posts against my original post, the editors thought it wise to add a disclaimer, and even altmuslimah got into the act. The kicker was the paragraph on the altmuslimah article that actually seemed to say being involved in relationships prior to marriage is a good thing.

The whole hullaballoo reminded me of one wise saying that I feel is a guiding principle of my life.

"Right is right, no matter how few follow it, wrong is wrong no matter how many acclaim it."

Having said all that, let me distill it all down to five main points which even those that had a go at me will have a hard time disproving. I don't mind criticism, and I ignore insults (both Prophet Musa and Muhammad, peace be upon them, far better men than lil 'ol me, faced insults and harassments over far more complex issues).

1. It is good to get married early. It is the Islamic thing to do.

Can any one really deny that Islam encourages us to get married early? The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) got married early (25 years of age), most of the Sahabah got married in their late teens or early twenties, and it was the practice of the Muslims to get married as soon as they were able to and were of age. And we are talking about guys here. Girls used to get married as early as 13 or 14.

Times and societies differ, but I think in today's day and age, a man should start looking for a wife sometime after finishing his university undergraduate degree (say around the age 24), while a woman should start looking sometime before (perhaps at the age of 21).

2. It is easier for a younger woman to get married as opposed to an older woman. Men generally prefer a wife younger than them.

Of course, whenever you say this, someone will then bring up the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him)'s marriage.

Muhammad (pubh) married Khadija who was 40 and he was 25, and she was much older than him and married 2 times prior to marrying the prophet, and had several children previously ...

While quoting this famous example of Khadijah, many people conveniently forget three main parts of her story.

• To be academic, Khadijah was only 28 years old when she married the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), not 40. This is the most authentic opinion. She was thus only 3 years older than her husband, who was 25 [Source, go to 21:30].
• Khadijah herself married at a very early age (her first marriage).
• Muhammad (peace be upon him) married Aisha, Hafsa, Zainab etc. all of whom were much younger than him (and who had all, with the exception of Aisha, been married before, and at an early age). In fact, Aisha was also very young, having just stepped into puberty.
• He encouraged young, single men to marry young, single women.

It is common sense that a woman is much more desirable as a marriage partner when she is 21 as opposed to when she is 31. And of course, no one decides to get married and poof! the next day they have found someone. It takes about 1-2 years of searching before you find someone. Starting at an age of 21 means a woman will generally get married when she is 23 or 24. If you start at 25, it's much harder.

Most guys who are in the arranged marriage process will be of the age 24-29. When you factor in that the average age difference between the husband and the wife in an arranged marriage is about 2-4 years, then you know why, as soon as a woman crosses the age of 25, she finds the pool of available men diminishing, and it gets harder and harder to find a suitable match.

A small disclaimer. I am not criticizing girls or guys who started looking but didn't meet someone. They are not single by choice. No, I am criticizing those who delay marriage for career, for education, for "I want to relax and have a good time".

3. Be chaste. You should avoid relationships before marriage and be professional in dealing with the opposite gender.

Surah Qasas verses 23-28 is a great anecdote of how Musa (peace be upon him) met his first wife. Men and women can and will interact, and this interaction should be professional, to the point and exactly what is necessary. A woman, if she likes a man, can initiate the proposal and Musa, as a young man, deals with the marriage proposal with the girl's father in a proper and honourable manner. There is no flirting, no "going out", no improper behavior at all. In fact, Allah praises his wife as "being shy".

Lo and behold.

I don’t appreciate the idea of if someone has been in a relationship then she’s automatically off the list

We’ve both had relationships before we met each other, and they made us more complete and interesting individuals, with a better idea of what we want and don’t want in life and in a partner

And of course, the altmuslimah paragraph (kind of strange for an article on a site with 'muslim' in its name to promote this sort of activity).

I’m tired of the attitude that women should be blamed for the relationships they’ve been in, and I’m frustrated that dating implies sex in the minds of so many Muslims. Spending some time with members of both sexes can be done in a halal way, can lead to a successful marriage in the best case, and (if nothing else) is a healthy way of developing comfort and a mature attitude towards relationships – a time investment that pays off when you get married ...

If you are "dating", you are going out with some member of the opposite gender just to have a good time, and you are then in a relationship (emotional, physical, doesn't matter) with someone ("he's my boyfriend"), then you are doing something that is not sanctioned by Islam. Can anyone really argue that? If you love someone, get married to that someone.

Some disclaimer, I don't think a broken engagement, or time spent with someone in 'getting to know them' (for a short while, for the purpose of marriage), or a divorce counts as a bad thing. Engagements break, you spend time getting to know someone honourably to find out that it won't work, and marriages fail - these things happen. No, what I absolutely cannot recommend is getting into an emotional (and perhaps physical) relationship with someone where all of society knows you as a couple and yet you are not married for years - why?

This applies both to guys and girls. I don't like the double standard that sometimes gives men a free pass for their behavior (boys will be boys) but holds girls to strict standards. A chaste, Muslim woman who has kept herself in check should have the full right to say no to a prospective suitor that has 'played around'.

4. Don't follow those who are not into arranged marriage.

It has to be said, if you are going to go the arranged marriage route, than don't follow as an example those who are NOT going to go through this route. Let me give an example.

There are many people who will have found their special someone through dating, or perhaps they met in the university and kept in touch, and then later started to "go out" with this person on dates and so on. These people are not the 'arranged marriage' type. They are in a long term relation with their special someone, and after some suitable time, they will get married. If the relation breaks, then they will find someone else to date, and marry.

These Muslims, while still being officially "single", are in a relationship. They live alone, work after graduation, further their careers while being in a relationship. However, they are not married, and will probably get married after a long courtship, perhaps at the age of 28 or 29.

If a Muslim man, or worse yet, a woman, looks to these people as examples, and thinks, "Wow, I too get remain single until I am 26 or 27, and then get married" they are in for a delusion. The two processes to marriage are completely different.

5. When it comes to children, women make the greater sacrifice, and Islam encourages having children.

A righteous son can act as sadqah jariah, and a daughter can be the key to paradise.

There is a reason why the mother has a very high status in Islam. In modern times, it's not sexism, or the glass ceiling, or the 'old boys club' that is the primary reason men rise higher in the corporate ladder than women. It's motherhood.

At some point, a couple will face the decision to start a family. And this will put the woman's career in jeopardy, even with great maternity benefits and laws. While she's at home, male colleagues will get that promotion, gather that extra experience and take that training. This is a sacrifice.

Moreover, most fathers will say they would prefer their wives to take care of their kids at home if money wasn't an issue.

This is another reason a woman should marry early. Then she has enough time to focus on her career or fulfill her dreams of higher education, whatever it may be, and still leave enough time for children.



These were my main points from my Love Inshallah article. As I expected, many feminists attacked me at once for my "privileged views" (whatever that may be). However, the truth has to be said. If people ignored their own opinions and their own "feelings" and dedicated more time to loving, understanding and following the sunnah, the Marriage Crisis that we in the Western Muslim community are facing (largely as a result of our own actions) will be no more.