How Islam Has Oppressed Men

*with tongue firmly in cheek*

That's right. Men. For over fourteen hundred years we men have let Islam (and women) take advantage of us daily, discriminate against us on each and every issue of life, and it's time we fought back and demanded what is rightfully ours, and enlighten ourselves on how Islam is oppressing us men.

For example, let's start with prayers. I have to put on ten layers of clothes, gloves, earmuffs, then go outside in the freezing cold, wipe the snow off the car, drive to the mosque which is 10 km away, pray in congregation, drive back and by the time I am home, it's almost time for the next prayer. In Islam a man's best prayer is offered in congregation in the mosque. And what does my (future) wife have to do? All she has to do is put the TV on mute, place the praying mat on the floor, quickly say her prayers and then be back to watching Saas Hi Bahu Ko Maar Dala. And Islam says that's her best prayers. WTF?

So when I time my prayers with the commercials because Smallville is on at the same time as Maghrib, I am neglecting my duties, but for her it's her "best" way of praying and Allah gives her Great Rewards?

And all those relaxed prayer sessions will no doubt cause her to become lazy. After all we men know women don't really do too much work at home. We have to go out and earn, dammit, it's our responsibility. So if she becomes lazy and gets a little fat, can we criticize her? No, Quran tells us men "it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good" [Nisa: 19].

We all know women love to shop for clothes. And what does Islam do? Give her an EXCUSE to go shop for clothes.

"Honey, really, it's for part of my hijab. Seriously. I have to be fully covered, you know. And the Louis Vuitton bag? Well, Islam does not want me to attract men's attentions with my hidden ornaments, so I have to carry them somewhere, right? Besides, didn't Allah tell you men the best dinar spent is the dinar you spend on your family?"

And we men can't even spend 200 bucks on the Nike basketball shoes because all that is required from us is to be covered from navel to the knee (as if I am some Greek slave). And meanwhile, the wife is going "honey, does this abaya make my ass look big?" Well Islam wants me to tell the truth, darling ...

What about sex? Surely we men have the upper hand there? Surely a woman who refuses her husband's sexual advances will be cursed by 70 angels for the night? You'd think so, eh?

First of all, it doesn't say anything about the wife refusing sexual advances during the day. Those Department of Cursing Angels only work the night shift. Second, just because Islam gives you the right for sex doesn't mean you can have it. It's like, A owes me money, but if A doesn't pay up, I can't mug A as he walks down the street. Have to go to court and all that. I wonder if there could be a Court of Appeals (for sex)?

Husband: "You Honor, my wife the accused has not been having sex with me for sometime now."

Judge: "How do you plead?"

Wife: "I plead Not Horny, Your Honor."

Judge: "Hmm.. well I can't do much here. All Islam says is talk things over and come to a mutual understanding."

Husband: "What?!! Surely, there must be a verse or two about beating her? All the major religions have it?"

Judge: "Well, there is, but it's also being constitutionally challenged all the time. And we Muslims are limited to what the Prophet did, and turns out he never beat his wives, the pity. Maybe you can hit her with a toothbrush?"

Wife: "Well, if he was as built as his toothbrush, we wouldn't be having this conversation ..."

And I haven't even gotten the tax imposed on Men Who Are Not Thinking Clearly, also known as Mahr. It's time we men called for reformation within Muslim circles. We all know women can't really think properly, so maybe it's time to call for more women to be admitted to scholarly circles so we can manipulate them to make laws on our behalf.